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more chaos


HoneyEmerald

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I don't want to write right now.

Some would say then don't.

I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do.... and yet here I am acting like a big fool.

Doing what I'm told when it is against my wishes.

Because I don't want to ruin someone else's life. 

I am working real hard to stop causing others strife.

and yet it is compounding... this strife causing I do

I want to tell this world a big F.U. and let it burn into rubble

the only problem is I'm on it.

I used to care about myself very little and then I met some people who have told me I'm not evil.

Perhaps I should start wearing a witch's hat in order to get the world off my back.

The world is one important person and no I cannot desert them.

I am cursed because I liked the Book of Revelation, because it told me no more curse!

I'm not right in the head. 

Because I  am not right in the head, I cannot trust anything I say and neither can anyone else.

I am trapped, alone, and worthless except for when I work.

I am loathing myself, not you.    My writing was about my thoughts.

I care about you, I don't want you to break down , fall apart and feel like wanting to cry without being allowed to do so because... "alligator tears."

It's too much anxiety.   Too much stress.  Too many things telling you to be like me that I don't want them happening.

That is why I said cheer up, even though it's not enough.

It's not enough to say F.U. when the globe needs fixing.

I blame myself for what the hell am I thinking?

I need to let it all go. 

it will be what it is... which makes me a part of the problem because I do nothing.

as a man once said.... "bad things happen when good people do nothing"....

well I am tired.

I'm in a catch 22.

so it boils down to what do I want?

I want to make hats and accessories.

I want to make music so happy that it lifts others.

I want to recognize what my faith is since it doesn't match anyone else.

What have I done? 

I listened to the voices in my head and outside it since I was a child.

I prayed for discernment as an adult.

What I am going to do?

Ask God for fewer voices telling me what to do and to make God's voice the main voice I hear and follow.

God is the head chef and there have been too many others in my kitchen.

Which means I have to let the other voices go.

 

 

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