This isn't a song or anything to do with music like all my other blog posts but this is a very important personal post and it would mean a lot to me if you all would stick with me for a minute.
Earlier today, I was rummaging through my old journals, cleaning stuff out and looking for a blank one I could use as a sketchbook. While flipping through a few, I ended up reading some of my older entries, which, it turns out, are incredibly disturbing and unsettling.
These journals were ones I wrote in while I was in middle school and a freshman in high school. When I was 13, my mother left my now ex step-dad and I went with her. My step-dad had been abusive. He favored my sister and my mother was never home, and as a result, I hated him, I hated my sister, I hated my mom for being absent, and I even hated my grandparents because I associated them with the rest of my already despised family. My dad was dead and I hated him for being dead. I was coming to terms with my sexuality and it was terrifying. I was outed by people constantly and I was completely incapable of standing up for myself. I used humor as a defensive mechanism but instead of helping me out, it turned me into the class clown and I felt restricted, like I was unable of being taken seriously or even having legitimate feelings because I was supposed to be the funny one, the one that made other people feel better when they needed a laugh. I hated myself and I secretly hated everyone and everything around me. At the time when I used these journals, I was so depressed, so unstable, so suicidal, and so so so so so so angry that thinking about it now makes me feel like throwing up.
While things might have been bad then, though, it is absolutely incredible thinking about who I am now. I'm sitting in my room crying on a Tuesday night because a few years ago, I never thought I'd make it to adulthood but here I am, eight months away from 18, a year away from high school graduation, with dreams and plans and goals for the future and a solid, healthy relationship with my family that I never thought I could have, and more supportive, kick ass, amazing friends than I could ever deserve.
The reason I wanted to post this though is because I, honest to God, want to thank everyone on GDC who has ever shown me kindness, given me advice, sent me a PM, or even read my posts at all. That rough period was also the period of time when I most active on this website. You were all such a huge part of my life and many of you became my role models, whether you know it or not, and inspired me to keep pushing on and to not give up. You guys were here when I needed help or a friend or a distraction from what was happening in my life and I don't think I can express how much it means to me that you all made time for me and supported me just because you wanted to.
I truly believe that many of you were a big part in helping me get to where I am today. I have absolutely no idea what happened but I am so glad and so, so incredibly blessed that I am still here today. Thank you so much.