Depression sucks, and it's a bitch to explain. I've struggled with varying levels of depression since 2005. While I've had my low points of actually feeling sad and helpless, I've also recovered from those to feel amazing highs like last year when I was able to lose 40 pounds from March - June in 2012. I was eating healthy (very healthy), exercising daily (no exceptions), and started taking anti-depressants (Zoloft, well actually it's non-name-brand equivalent Sertraline). I felt better than I had in over a decade of my life. Then in June I started thinking "I've done so amazingly well, I deserve to have some celebratory fast-food" and so began my downward spiral of stopping exercise and daily fast-food trips.
Depression is incredibly destructive. I started eating shitty food every single day, I gained back the 40 pounds I had lost, I stopped going out with friends and just started lounging around in a pitiful show of anti-social introversion.
I've never been an out-going guy to begin with. I don't like being in social groups. Over the years I've flown across the United States for various Green Day events and had a blast. But every single time I've nearly backed out because I have a near-phobia of being around people. I'm not scared of people, I'm just more comfortable alone and have trouble forcing myself to take the leap and get out. However, once I get on the plane and actually get somewhere I'm happy to be there and have had some of the best moments of my life meeting with Green Day fans and some of the incredible friends I've made through GDC throughout the years. But getting there is never as simple as it should be.
That introversion is only amplified when i'm struggling with depression. I'm the type of person who hates to do anything if I don't feel like I deserve it, and these days I don't feel like I deserve much. Since December I've worked on GDA full-time. This is my job. I've left school, I stopped working at the university and have tried to focus only on GDA. But when depression strikes (not coincidentally with my terrible eating habits), I don't get work done. Over the last 3 months I've done not nearly as much as I should have, and it's hard to explain why.
I feel like I constantly let the team down. Almost everyone here volunteers their time for their love of Green Day, these sites, or the community, and I don't hold up my end of the deal. It's not about being too hard on myself either, I think I'm reasonably self-aware. I don't do enough. I consider myself a "busy idiot", something Gordon Ramsey used in one of his TV shows talking about a restaurant manager who was always very busy, but never doing anything useful.
Thankfully since I started talking anti-depressants, my depression doesn't show itself as sadness. I don't hate my life or wallow in self-despair. These days it's more of a stressful apathy. I feel like there's so much to do that I end up doing none because I don't have the motivation to get it done. And explaining that to anyone is near impossible. I know what I need to do to change (eat healthy, try to exercise, do some fucking work), but I don't. Why? I DON'T KNOW. I just can't get myself to do it. I don't understand what it is.
Team members send me messages saying "hey, can we do this, should we this?" and I don't reply. Why? I don't know. I just don't feel like talking to anyone. It stays on my mind for a while about what people want to do, and I feel a little overwhelmed but I never do it. I never take action. I know that if I did I wouldn't feel as stressed out. Running these sites isn't that tough with some action, but I don't do it and that apathy or lack of motiviation is really what's bothering me the most.
These days my escape is SimCity. Just like World of Warcraft back in 2007, SimCity allows me to escape for a few (dozen) hours. I don't have to think about anything happening in the real world. I just focus on my fake city, and my fake sims, and trying to fix things there. I could spend that time working, and I should. But I don't.
I don't know how to fix it. I mean, I know how to fix my depression (as mentioned above), I just don't know how to fix the apathy and lack of motivation (which is the root cause of my depression to begin with). Every day that goes by I just feel like I'm doing almost nothing, because I'm not.