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Tay Writes Sometimes

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#26 Every Story Is Sperm: How It All Began

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It's Splash Time


Once upon a time I was a little kid. Shocking I know. Anyway, I kept some of the jotters with my stories from the age six to nine and felt the need to share with the world the obscureness of it all. I can't take a photo of them, there's no way you would be able to read it. I will, however, keep the same awful grammar and spelling. So here's a lovely selection.

The Ice Mountins (dated 06/02/02, aged seven)

One day Sally went out with her dog, Jumpy. It was very cold and icey. Sally skied across the ice and down a mountin to see what was below. She went "plop" in some water. A boy called Tom heard it and called for two rescue helecopters and Tom got his rescue boat. Tom rescued Sally and took her into a helecopter. Then they flow to Sally's house and played till teatime. In the morning Tom took Sally to his hut. Then Tom told Sally all about the peaple he had rescued. Sally wanted to know what was at the ower side of the oseen and if Tom had any ower peaple in his family. Tom said that he had a girl called Sarah and a boy called Tony and they flew all over the woreld. Then they crossed the river to go to the ice mountins. Sally skied all the ice and Tom ran to a castle where his cosiens live and took a treasue chest and a book called "I can fly with the birds". Tom told Sally to press her finger on the place you want to go and you're there and Tom went in the treasure chest and flew like the birds aswell.

The talking snowman (dated 06/03/02, aged seven)

One snowy day the can's family made a snowman. Mr cans and Miss cans made the snowman and Jesica and Joe got peables and coal. Jumpy they're dog got a scarf and Jesica got a hat and a walking stick and then Mr cans went to work and everyone else had tea and went to bed. The snowman was walking around the garden when Mr cans got back. Then he said "can I get out of here". Mr cans fanted. Miss cans fought his bike broke down. So she went to see. Then she fond Mr cans frosen dead boby and went down on her hands and knees and cryed and cryed. In the morning Jesica and Joe found a treasere chest with amillane ponds in it. Jesica and Joe bought a milaneair manchin and still had engh money to buy expenstuff. They lived happly ever after with the snowman until the snowman went to the nourth pole.

Queen for a day (dated 24/04/02, aged seven) - we were asked to write what we would do if we were the Queen for a day

I'm the Queen for a day and my name is Mary the 2nd, I live in a mansion. Evreything is gold. I'm going to Florada and Chiana. I went with my 1000 servent's. I saw a water slide in Florida and wend down it. SPLASH!!!! I got very very wet !!!! After I dryed myself I had some lunch. It was sausages, Blackcurrent Juice and a hamburger. Then I got two ponys and called them goldilocks and Isabell. Then I bouht a plane with bits for pony's and went to chiana and got some ornemnts. Then I had tea. It was pizza, cake, biscits and hot blackcurrent. Then I went to Germany, the German's were going to have a war. They had a war with us and the Romans. We won!!!!!!! It was very tough but we won!! "You're a star" said all the people. Then I went to sleep and kept on saying "I'm a star". I will change soom rules: If you steal you will be sent to Jail for two years.

Detectives (dated 19/01/04, aged nine) - better at writing, and much longer but I had a phase where I wrote everything slanted, like in bad italics

"Right class, this is Natasha Brown," Miss Nacken said. She looked around, "Linda, could you show Natasha where to put her stuff". Linda was a little girl with glasses, who sat in the back seat. She walked to the front and looked, worridly around. Then she took my hand and led me to the door. Outside, in the coridor, Linda looked at me. "Don't be shy" she said, "You'll be fine here". She took me downstaors to the cloakroon, "This is where you put your coat". As I was putting my coat on a spare peg, Linda poked my arm. She pulled me over to a pink door. "This is the girls toilets" she said. Then she pushed me into the toilets. She looked around and said hoarsely "Listen, I ain't like that, I just like to trick people"

Suddly, without warning, Linda fell about laughing. At first I didn't get it, but then I sussed it out: Linda wanted to be an actress when she grew up and was practicing. But I never got to ask her that because the bell rang. Linda raced up to the classroom, so all I could do was follow..............


All day I thought about asking Linda, but I didn't have the corage to. So, after school I met up with Linda. We were walking down. suddenley, I had an idear. "Let's phone our mums to say we'll be late home". "Good idear". We put our bags on the ground and started to look for a 20 pence peice. We found them and we had walked to the nearest phonebox. I saw something in the corner of the phonebox. I crouched down and looked at it. It was a tape. I pocketed it. Me and Linda phoned our mums. Then we went back to my house to play the tape on my tape recorder. I put the tape in to play, rewinded it, pushed "play" and sat back to relax. It started off fuzzy but then a crackle came through. I turned the tuning up all the way. So, finally I could sit back and relax an' hear what I was going to hear..................


"This is A.L. Robinston reporting to you," I heard a hoarse voice, from the tape recorder say,"I am in the rueful robber, Robert's den. He is just round the corner......... Aaaaahhhhhhh........ I'll tell you the address....... Elton John's back garden! ............. Noooooooooooo!". I looked at Linda. She looked at me. "Let's go to the Police Statoin and ask where Elton John lives," Linda said, thoughtfully. "Okay" I mumbled. I was scared about the whole thing. But I had already got the arrangment from Linda. We were going to meet at seven by the old stable tommorow night and from there we would walk to the Police Station. I said "goodbye" to Linda and sat on my bed to think about what I had got myself into. This wasn't really what I wanted - exspecielly on my first day at a new school. At first I had thought that Linda wouldn't be my friend, but now she is..............


At the Old Stable, at seven, I met Linda. We walked to the Police Station and knocked on the door. A tall man with dark hair and glasses came to the door. He was holding a briefcase. He walked straight past us to - (what looked like) - his car. But that was when we noticed that the door was open. We

the story doesn't finish, and neither do most of the other ones in that jotter. The ones that do end, tend to end with me dying. Some stories I would get very into, and make little drawings and stick them in.

Three lives (dated 21/06/04, aged nine) - My favourite of the ones in which the person telling the story dies, of which there are about four

One sunny morning, I was cleaning the rabbit. I was just opening Bugsy's hutch, to put his food in, when I saw it. It was a huge web. In the middle, there was something to big to fly. It was struggling, struggling. Suddenly I heard a tiny voice, coming from the web saying, "Save me! Save me!".


I looked around. No, nothing. It's probably my imagention. The huts were the same, the swings were the same, and Jamie's not there. He's still sleeping. I looked back at the web. No - just normal web. Except from it being huge.... Then I saw it. It was about the size of my hand. It mouldy and rotten and, and..... it was a skull! "Pull me out", the tiny vouice yelled. "I, I, I'll think about it' 5 stammered and ran off.


A few minutes later, I came back and pulled the skull out of the web with all my might. It fell on the ground beneath my feet and faded slowly away. But I had no time to gasp, my body started to spin, spin, spin. I felt myself shrink. Then i gently floated up to the web. "Alright, you get three lives, three catches and you'll be like Hannah, here, " a cruel vouce said. I sprinted down a passage way and up another. The big, hairy black widow spider scuttled after me. "Help!," I squeaked. One tig, no two! T turned a corner... and stopped. I was at the edge of the web. I tried to move, but the web was too sticky! "Ahhhhhrrrrgggg!", I cried as my head fell off.

There you go, a mildly disturbing journey through my childhood stories.

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