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The Truth (I'm Hideous)

BetterThanAir

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Hi guys! I know I haven't been online in a bit, but I finally have some time to come online in between working four jobs and going through my move to the Unites States. 

There is something I just wanted to vent about because it is something that is constantly on my mind, and I feel like writing about it would be therapeutic. There's no better place to do this than on my favourite website. :) 

 

So, the truth: I never noticed how repulsive I am until recently.

In 2016/2017, I was on a medication to help me with a medical issue. I don't want to talk about that issue now, but some of you already know about it. This medication made me gain a significant amount of weight. Luckily, after coming off of it, I have been able to lose all of that weight, plus some in 2019! I am super proud of this (being a size eight may not be 'great' to some, but for me, I feel confident about it!)

 

But the truth is, things weren't resolved. I have a skin condition called vitiligo. When I first joined GDC, I only had a tiny white spot on my right hand, and one on my left leg. I had those two spots my whole life, and never thought anything of it. In 2016, the patches began to spread. Now, in 2019, my spots are getting out of control. I have vitiligo on nearly every part of my body.

I'm bringing this up because I've had a few people ask me why I don't upload photos online. I wish I could go back in time and not have these spots, and relive the days where I was confident enough to take photos. People in real life stare at my face, stare at my arms, and it hurts that they don't see ME. Every day I'm so disgusted and repulsed I am with the way I look. I used to be so obsessive about my weight, especially after the gain, but now I could give less of a fuck about my size; it's the spots that devastate me. 

It's hard because I know in my wedding photos, the spots will show. I know that people will always stare at them and not me. I know people will always make comments about it. My family even does, because I'm the only one with it. I even worry Tom won't find me attractive anymore because of it. 

 

Being online is hard for me sometimes, to see people with beautiful, flawless skin, whereas I have acne and fucking patches I can never remove. That is a huge reason why I avoid being online if I can, and why I don't take pictures anymore. 

It sucked because I always used to get compliments on my appearance. Hell, even when I saw Green Day in 2017 with the weight gain, people always told me I looked beautiful. Now I just get stared at and I've even had people TOUCH ME without permission.

If anyone has any tips on how I can build my self confidence again, please let me know, because I just hate myself at the moment. :(

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Trotsky

Posted

I hope you know that shitty things like your family making unwanted comments and people touching you without permission are not necessarily because your skin condition is very noticeable, that's just typical people having no respect for boundaries. Many people think they can just touch someone whenever they want and that there's nothing wrong with that, which is why most people who have tattoos have experienced someone poking at their tattoo as if it will have some kind of special texture (it feels the same as untattooed skin, dumbass!), and people who think they can just touch the belly of someone who is pregnant. I am averse to physical contact from people I'm not close with, especially when it's unexpected because I have a subconscious reaction that I need to defend myself, and that issue goes back to my childhood. And it's so common for people to assume that everyone has the same concept of personal space that when there was all that news about Joe Biden touching people in ways that made them uncomfortable, so many reacted like: It wasn't sexual, so there's nothing wrong with it, not realizing that it doesn't fucking matter because a person has a right to set their own boundaries. If they touch you without permission and make you feel uncomfortable that's not your fault, it's theirs for not being conscious of how you might feel. And family, they think they can say or do anything they want to you because they don't think boundaries and courtesy apply within the family. There have been so many times when my relatives have said something shitty to me and they're totally oblivious to the fact that I don't want to hear that shit. It's not your fault, it's not acceptable for people to make unwanted comments and unwanted physical contact. Remember that you're never at fault for others crossing your boundaries.

 

I bet you can find vitiligo support groups online, there has to be some kind of community for people with this condition. Maybe communicating with others that are going through the same thing can help. And you can message me (probably better on Facebook than GDC cause I haven't been going on GDC every day lately) if you want to talk. I don't know much about vitiligo but if you just want to vent about life in general, or have someone listen to you, I'm around.

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Göta

Posted

Nice to see you back on here! Sorry to hear that you're feeling so low. I haven't gone through exactly the same as you, but I've also had parts of my apperance change due to medical conditions and I know it really sucks. I second what was suggested above about trying to find online groups, because it can be really helpful to see that there are others out there who go through the same and to see what they have done to feel better about themselves. In my case, I've found it very relieving just to be open about my insecurities and worries to the people around me. When I opened up, I soon found out that almost everyone has something they struggle with, even though it's not necessarily visible at first sight. It's super important not to hide away, because it'll make you feel worse. And - maybe a wee bit cliche - but it's so, so important that you try to stop talking yourself down. You're not ugly because you have vitiligo! You don't owe anyone to look a certain way anyway. At the same time, it's okay to feel down at times and be mad and sad as well, just try not to let it take over because it will restrict your life in a way it doesn't have to. I don't know if it will make you feel any better, but there is this (very beautiful) model called Winnie Harlow who has vitiligo and I know there are some articles out there where she has been talking about it. Maybe there is some nice reads! I don't really know what else to suggest but anyhow, I do really hope you'll feel better soon :hug: 

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lizziebix

Posted

I recently heard about a man that crochet’s dolls with vitiligo. And he’s made tons of them and gives them away. Seems there are lots and lots of people with vitiligo. 

As has been said, find a support group and then tell the rest to go fuck themselves because your skin doesn’t define your beauty. 

You are beautiful inside and out. Just ask Tom. He’ll concur. 😊

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She-Loves-Him

Posted

You are absolutely not ugly or repulsive! You are a very kind, compassionate person, and to the people who matter most, these qualities are more important than looks -- with or without vitiligo, whether you're a supermodel or the opposite (whatever that is, a toad?). 

I agree with the support group idea. I am a member of a few different achalasia ones, but I didn't even think to look for them until after I had surgery etc. Definitely wish I had found them while I was still struggling. Nothing beats bitching about a condition with people who know the condition as well as you do and understand what its like to live with something 'abnormal'. You will not be the only member who feels self conscious, but there will be just as many examples of people who feel great about themselves despite or because of the condition.

The best thing you can do for yourself is focus on how you feel about yourself, not how others make you feel or what they think about you. Learn to embrace the things that make you different, and use them to teach other people how to treat people who are different and that it is totally okay to be different. Easier said than done, I know, but it is something to work toward achieving whether it takes 1 year or 10. No one's opinion of you matters more than your own.

While my condition is mostly invisible these days, it wasn't always. I've had my share of people who don't get it, and people who think they know better. Message me any time :hug:

 

 

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