Hi guys! I know I haven't been online in a bit, but I finally have some time to come online in between working four jobs and going through my move to the Unites States.
There is something I just wanted to vent about because it is something that is constantly on my mind, and I feel like writing about it would be therapeutic. There's no better place to do this than on my favourite website.
So, the truth: I never noticed how repulsive I am until recently.
In 2016/2017, I was on a medication to help me with a medical issue. I don't want to talk about that issue now, but some of you already know about it. This medication made me gain a significant amount of weight. Luckily, after coming off of it, I have been able to lose all of that weight, plus some in 2019! I am super proud of this (being a size eight may not be 'great' to some, but for me, I feel confident about it!)
But the truth is, things weren't resolved. I have a skin condition called vitiligo. When I first joined GDC, I only had a tiny white spot on my right hand, and one on my left leg. I had those two spots my whole life, and never thought anything of it. In 2016, the patches began to spread. Now, in 2019, my spots are getting out of control. I have vitiligo on nearly every part of my body.
I'm bringing this up because I've had a few people ask me why I don't upload photos online. I wish I could go back in time and not have these spots, and relive the days where I was confident enough to take photos. People in real life stare at my face, stare at my arms, and it hurts that they don't see ME. Every day I'm so disgusted and repulsed I am with the way I look. I used to be so obsessive about my weight, especially after the gain, but now I could give less of a fuck about my size; it's the spots that devastate me.
It's hard because I know in my wedding photos, the spots will show. I know that people will always stare at them and not me. I know people will always make comments about it. My family even does, because I'm the only one with it. I even worry Tom won't find me attractive anymore because of it.
Being online is hard for me sometimes, to see people with beautiful, flawless skin, whereas I have acne and fucking patches I can never remove. That is a huge reason why I avoid being online if I can, and why I don't take pictures anymore.
It sucked because I always used to get compliments on my appearance. Hell, even when I saw Green Day in 2017 with the weight gain, people always told me I looked beautiful. Now I just get stared at and I've even had people TOUCH ME without permission.
If anyone has any tips on how I can build my self confidence again, please let me know, because I just hate myself at the moment.