I guess I'm feeling some type of way. I think it should be happy; but, well, shit. Nothing's ever that simple is it?
Apocalyptica (AKA awesome Cello dudes from Finland) are on a tour for the 20th anniversary of their Plays Metallica by Four Cellos album, and I saw them at one of their shows last night with my sister. The album was their debut, a collection of Metallica covers, if the name isn't a dead giveaway for that part. The show was fucking awesome. Maybe that's why I feel so guilty about being too messed up right now to feel that concert afterglow in full effect. Or maybe it's because I'm lying to my sister about how I feel, but can you blame me? I took her to the concert as her birthday gift, who the fuck am I to ruin her night with whatever the fuck this is?
I know what this is, it's me putting too much stock into my dreams, and not in a premonition type of way. I can't really explain it, but the last time I had a dream about someone I love dying, it was my sister, and immediately after I woke up I went over to her and I held her for like two hours until I calmed the fuck down. Can't really do that this time, seeing as the person is nowhere near me.
I'm scared. The dream was different this time. When it was my sister, her death was an accident. She was going to school and she got hit by a car or some shit. But in my dream this time, Sunshine's death wasn't an accident. She killed herself, and it fucking terrifies me because I know she's really fucking depressed and therapy and her pills haven't been helping much lately. I know because I'm the one that talks to her every other day when she can't sleep and feels like she can't breathe, and all I fucking want is to be next to her so I can fucking hold her and know she's still breathing and not doing anything stupid but I can't. I can't because we're literally fucking oceans apart, and what the fuck kind of friend am I when I can't do shit? I'm not saying I expect myself to cure her depression, no. That's some movie bullshit, I know firsthand it doesn't work like that. But I would very much like to be able to hug her when she says she wants to, to have her see me or hear me in person, because for some goddamn reason Sunshine loves me and I'm one of her best friends.
It kills me that I'm making her sad. I know it's not my fault, that I can't really help the fact that my family had to move to America and that I'm not back home anymore, but there's no getting rid of this guilt. I don't know how I would forgive myself if she does something to herself. I don't know how I would forgive her.
Oh right. This entry had a song to go with it. One by Metallica, as covered by Apocalyptica twenty years ago. No lyrics because Apocalyptica are usually just instrumental, but I've found that the way they play it manages to convey the message anyway. I did almost break out into sobs when they played it last night, so there's that. Enjoy if you decide to listen (it's linked to the name, in case you didn't notice it).