Someday far faraway in my past, I was a child. Not a child in terms of age, that's something I still carry with me. No; child as in innocent, in so many different ways. A child hasn't been touched or tainted, by skin or by thought. A child is free, to roam without fear and sleep without nightmares that carry something more. A child hasn't lost anything significant, hasn't worked to gain something, hasn't felt despair, love, longing, lust...
I miss it. God, I miss it. So much, too much. I miss the days when my head wasn't full and my chest wasn't empty. I didn't long for the touch of someone I can't have, not the way I want to, anyway.
It's funny. Nothing has changed and yet everything has. It's hard to admit your feelings to yourself but once you do you can't take them back. No matter how much I want to, I can't take it back.
I'll tell her everything, piece by piece, year after year. I always knew I would. Even when we weren't even friends yet, I knew she was special. There was something in the way she held herself; she knew who she was and she felt no shame in it. I fell in love with the idea of her before I fell in love with her as a person, but it was always her, it will always be her. I will tell her everything because I can't not. I don't have it in me to deny her. My sister... she doesn't understand. It's not her fault, I haven't told her how I feel about our friend, and I never will, but she assumes that it's because I favor the other. "You didn't read this book when I recommended it to you twenty times yet all she had to say was she really liked it and you bought it in 3 minutes." The bitterness hurts, but I'll take it. It's better than letting them know how much this hurts. Everything else that hurts I will share one day, because she makes me want to tell her.
But not this. I can see it now, the rejection, but that isn't what stops me. I know her; fuck I know her so well, and I know she'd feel bad. Guilty. She doesn't deserve this, she doesn't deserve me and my fucking haywire emotions, she deserved better, so much better, and even if she felt the same way I couldn't do that to her. We're in different continents for crying out loud; it would never work, not long term.
But that's what I want. Her, long term. I wish I didn't, I wish these feelings would go away, but they don't. It's been five fucking years, and I haven't even seen her for like the last half of that; I've changed, and so has she. We've grown and fallen apart as friends and back together -because we always fall back together- but my heart hasn't changed.
I tell her I love her every time we talk and it feels like a lie, because when she says it she means "you're my best friend" but when I say it I mean "you're the love of my life."
Maybe I'm wrong. I'm still... young. Not a child, but young. Inexperienced and new. Maybe she's not "the one." Maybe she'll be one of many. But something tells me that if anything was going to change it already would have.
I hope I'm wrong.
P.S. fuck how did this even happen this was supposed to be a meld of fiction and my own frustrations but it ended up being a confessional. I shouldn't be surprised. When it comes to my brain, everything always somehow leads back to her these days.