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Occupy Reality

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John Summarizes Things

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Trotsky

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In a tl;dr world who has time to read shit? Shit is too long! I'm here to summarize things for you (read as fast as you can!) 

 

The Bible

A novel featuring violence, infanticide, incest, and a kid killed by a bear for making fun of a bald guy. It's about this dude God who made everything and his son who he just let die, seriously - issues! God made this dude Adam and Adam said "God let me get my dick wet" so he took a rib from him and made a rib woman who got tricked by a snake into eating an apple which made everything fucking bad. Then God flooded everything and this dude Noah and his family were the only ones left but one of Noah's sons got banished for looking at his dad's dick while Noah was passed out drunk. A lot of the Bible is listing who was the son of which father as if anyone cares. It's all:

Abraham was the father of Abram
Abram was the father of Isaac
Isaac was the father of Baxter
Baxter was the father of Spargle

And so on and you go from Adam to Jesus. Jesus cursed a fig tree just to show he's not to be fucked with but the Romans and/or Jews crucified him anyway, who crucified him depends on how much you trust Mel Gibson. And yup, God just up and let Jesus die, not cool. But one day Jesus is coming back and there will be angels with trumpets and four horsemen who fuck your shit right up and then Jesus will throw you into a lake of fucking fire.

 

 

The Presidency of George W. Bush

This guy named Al Gore won an election against the idiot son of the President before Clinton, but the idiot son's brother was the governor of Florida and conspired with this hellspawn Katherine Harris to throw away and invalidated thousands of votes, mostly black peoples' votes. So the idiot son became President, ruined the public education system and then some guys came along with this memo that said "bin Laden determined to strike US" but Bush said "too many big words" and didn't read it and 9/11 happened so America invaded Afghanistan to kill bin Laden but bin Laden got away cause no one does anything right anymore. Then America invaded Iraq and nothing bad ever happened in Iraq again.

The economy totally got fucked sideways by some criminal assholes on Wall Street who were rewarded for being criminals with billions of dollars. An old guy who was a lot like Bush named McCain ran for President, the only difference was that Bush liked war but McCain just fucking lives, breathes, and cums war. But this old guy chose the dumbest person in Alaska to take over if he died and America said "we don't want to have a moron President until 2016" so this tall guy with big ears became President. Americans were sure Bush would forever be the worst President but God (remember him from the Bible summary?) sent an orange failed abortion to punish America for being too hard on Bush.
 

 

 

Breaking Bad

Walter White has a son who won't shut up about breakfast and a new baby on the way, and teaches high school chemistry. His life sucks so fucking much! Just like God gave America Trump, God gave Walt lung cancer! Walt cooked meth to pay for his treatment because he lived in the only country on Earth where healthcare isn't a right. This guy Jesse thought putting chili powder in meth was a good idea cause he didn't pay attention in chemistry class, but Walt showed him to make really good meth. A gay guy from Chile bought his meth but the fact that he was gay was only implied because America is more offended by gay guys than severed heads on turtles and a man trying to rape his wife in the kitchen. Walt blew his face off by turning a vegetable into a bomb. Then their were nazis who killed Walt's brother-in-law for the DEA, the only DEA agent in America who was hunting down a meth kingpin instead of persecuting sick people who smoke weed or trying to ban kratom despite the fact that kratom is fucking wonderful. Walt went to New Hampshire which is a shitty version of Vermont cause they don't have Bernie Sanders, and decided New Hampshire sucked and went back to kill the nazis. Then he died but his son will get money one day and that makes everytihng okay.

 

 

Harry Potter

Harry's parents are killed by Governor Rick Scott of Florida and then Harry goes to a magic school without one competent adult. The headmaster Dumbledore is gay but again that's only implied because gay is the worst thing you can be. Governor Rick Scott tries to come back using a magic rock and then taking over a little girl's body with a diary and then just fucks off to watch Dr. Oz for a year while Harry's godfather escapes from prison, but then Rick Scott rises from the dead and killed Harry's godfather which caused Harry to throw a tantrum in the Dumbledore's office, but Dumbledore tells Harry "go and break my stuff, I don't care, all I ever wanted was a hot guy in my bed." Doesn't tell Harry that Rick Scott's soul is anchored to his scar because you can't just fucking give people vital information or else it's no fun. Then they go to an island and Harry watches like a gaping moron while Dumbledore drinks torture water and zombies surround them. This teacher who was friendzoned by Harry's mom kills Dumbledore but it turns out he was on Harry's side all along because he thinks his mom will come back from the dead and love him if he helps Harry. Then Harry gets to kill Rick Scott because of a bullshit technicality about what constitutes wand ownership.

 

 

My Life

I was born in Florida and was an introverted kid who liked reading, video games, and just thinking about shit but my parents forced me to constantly interact with adults who I didn't give a shit about which sucks for me and for those people, because I was the kind of kid you want around when you're an adult being forced to meet someone's kid, because kids talk about bullshit no one cares about and you just hope the kid will go away and play quietly and that's the only thing I wanted to do anyway - I knew these adults didn't give a fuck about my Pokemon cards or my social studies grades so I don't know why the hell all  that time was wasted. I went to a Catholic elementary school and then a Lutheran middle school but then I was like "wait, there is no god" and I started doing the shit I wanted to do since there's no hell and that means you can get away with anything. My first kiss was interrupted by a weird guy repeating 12th grade who told me I should wear leather boots instead of flip flops if I was gonna be an anarchist. I joined this Green Day forum and have been on it for I swear to fucking God 11 fucking years. I did a lot of drugs as a teenager and I quit high school after just 3 semesters because fuck that noise, but then I went to college and got a degree because while a lot of teens say they're too smart for school, I produced fucking results to back that shit up. But my degree never got me a good job since it's all a lie so I worked as a janitor and then I sold shit over the phone for Macy's, which gave me money to hang out at a hookah lounge drinking kratom and chilling the fuck out. So anyway on that Green Day forum I met this awesome German woman and we kept seeing each other a few times a year and then we were all "wait, let's get married and live together" so we got married and I moved to Germany. She's like the best fucking person ever. Then I wrote this novel about a guy in a constant existential crisis who does a lot of drugs and maybe I get that published and make money but if not I'll get another job soon and I'll probably keep posting on this fucking Green Day forum until the day I die. 

 

Anyway. Post a summary request and give it a like and this might become a series. If not, I successfully wasted 15 minutes of my life and that's good enough for me.


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3 Comments


Billie Hoe

Posted

I don't want you to find a job then, because I would miss your posts :) (No, I hope you find a job and keep posting)

Also all of these summaries are hilarious and painfully true :P I'd love to hear a summary of Catholicism or the life of Mother Teresa! I know it's similar to the bible but it has potential :lol: 

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HungryHungryModels

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These were all awesome haha. Todd wants me to watch all of Lost with him but I just don't have the time or patience for it. I made it past like 8 episodes I think. Can you just summarize the whole series? :lol: 

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Trotsky

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It would be an incomplete summary as I only watched the first season, I also didn't have the time or patience for it. 

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