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To Break Out or Break Down

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Z J

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To Break Out or Break Down

 

 

I’m tired, and I’ve had it.

 

I’m tired, and I’ve had it.

 

I’m wired, and I’m manic.

 

I’m wired, and I’m manic.

 

I’m also the best liar on the planet,

Would my lifetime be mired in this dissonance if I had planned it?

When it comes to contradiction,

it feels as if my mind demands it.

 

I’ve had it.

 

I’ve had it.

 

Why can’t I discern what matters most?

Between having a peaceful mind and being chaotically inclined,

it seems I always prefer the latter and it’s not even close.

 

Is that what I’m supposed to be?

Is this chaos a disaster or a ladder to brand-new possibilities?

Would this poem be different if I had her?

 

I don’t know.

 

I don’t know. 

 

I don’t know where I go from here.

Do the answers become clear if I can let go of all my fears?

If I let go of that uncertainty then what do I really have?

If this path isn’t really worth taking,

If this life that I’m creating isn’t one worth making,

If this reality that I always seem to be escaping 

has a definition for my life that I end up hating,

 

 

 

…then what do I do?

 

I cling to the uncertainty because it’s the last thing 

I know that I’ve certainly got. 

If I can’t stop my mind from spinning itself in to the ground,

then what makes anything about me all that profound?

 

I’m one step closer to a break out 

and two steps closer to a break down

 

It wasn’t a relationship.

It was a shakedown. 

My thoughts stolen and abused,

Shame on me, my heart knows better than to tell the truth.

I sound like any other confused kid with a pen in his hand.

 

By night, I’m an idealist, ready to make a stand.

But the night’s optimism is halted by the morning,

when I’ve forgotten all that I’ve planned.

Now that my heart’s been banned from the decision-making process,

I figured I’d be able to sit own and make my mind my new project,

but I still find myself trying to protect my heart 

from those traps that tore it apart.

 

Perhaps I need time. 

Perhaps I need to find a new mind. 

Perhaps I need to design my own little world,

One where my heart can walk along just fine 

without being jumped by a ruthless thief.

Perhaps I keep blaming my heart 

when it was my head who was the culprit. 

Instead of shaming my heart maybe I should start thinking of ways to keep 

my mind and my emotions somewhere far apart.

 

Is it really this hard?

 

It can’t possibly be this hard.

 

 

This guy over here looks like he knows what he’s about,

And that girl over there has a smile so wide it hurts my mouth.

 

Do they have this all figured out?

 

Am I the only one fighting this hard to control what I become?

Should I just let it go and let it ride?

Or I could run?

Run so far that I can forget that I’m alive,

and can forget where I’m from. 

Then I’d never have to face what I become. 

 

I’m tired. I’ve had it. 

 

It can’t possibly be this hard. 

 

 

 

 

Author note: Trying on a slightly different style

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3 Comments


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this is good....u had a style man...

i like it...

newwave,dark and brutal....

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On 2/15/2016 at 8:31 AM, howi said:

this is good....u had a style man...

i like it...

newwave,dark and brutal....

I appreciate it!

  • Like 1

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1 minute ago, Z J said:

I appreciate it!

Pfft...I comment on like 99% of your poems and you never tell me you appreciate my comments :cry:

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