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Controlling My Feelings For Too Long

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What the Fuck is Wrong with Me?

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BetterThanAir

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I just want to say that if you're not in the mood to read about someone ranting about their life, or if you're still super hyped about the House of Blues show from yesterday and don't want your mood brought down, I highly suggest you just don't read this if you ended up clicking it. I don't want to upset/annoy more people.

It sucks how no matter how many times I try to make this blogpost state exactly what my head is thinking, I can never do it. When I'm driving to work or taking notes at school, these thoughts consume me and I can't focus on anything else, and when I try to get them out of my head, I can't even do it. I'll just try my best to get it all out of my head right now because I've gotten to the point where I can't function properly due to this. I literally have no one else to turn to. My parents don't care. My friends don't care. My doctor doesn't care. My priest doesn't care. I've been using GDC as a means of happiness for a while now and so I just feel like this is really my last place to go.

I truly believe that unless you have anxiety or illnesses close to anxiety, you could never fully understand anxiety. I hate when I try to open up to people and I'm told to just 'calm down' or 'get over it', because that just sparks more anxiety into me. People don't understand that my mind is always racing and I'm always panicking. I always feel this horrible weight on my shoulders and chest and like I need to rush every single thing I do. I constantly panic about fucking things up and getting hurt. I think about things in the past and blame myself all the time. I always get so upset that I'm a piece of shit person and I can't do things right. So when someone tells me to just 'get over it', I get really upset with myself because I figure that I'm being selfish and my problems are all my issues. And that makes me hate myself more.

I hate how my parents can never be happy with me. Ever. They always yell and hit and scream over nothing and that really makes me adopt new and apparently obscene ways of doing things. For example, once when I was a kid, I dropped a plate and it broke, and my parents disciplined me so horribly that I make sure I never break any dishes ever again. I could literally give my mum the world and she'd say, "Why not the universe?" All my mother does from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed is act so negatively towards my brother and I. We could literally be so hyped and excited about something and whenever we're happy, she finds a way to rain on our parade. Or laugh at the things we're interested in. It's not as though I even ask her for anything anymore because she holds things over our heads or says no. I do everything for myself except pay rent. I know a lot of people probably have this but from the way we were raised and the way our families work, it shouldn't be this way. I don't believe I should get things I pay for taken away or broken in front of my face. I don't understand how my brother, who has more money than me, does not have to pay for his phone bill, clothes, food, books, etc., and I have to. I don't understand why every Sunday morning for the past three or four years, she yells at me for volunteering at the shelter, which is one of the only things that makes me happy, and of course she has to make me feel guilty about going. I barely even see my dad because when he's not working, he's sitting at Tim Horton's drinking coffee at a table by himself. I just don't understand. They expect so much of me and when I truly try nothing is enough. They want me to be this successful, well-rounded person, but discourage me from socializing with people and leaving my house. They expect me to go to work, make connections in the city (which I do through volunteer work), have productive hobbies, have friends, go to church, stay physically fit, excel in school, and clean the house every day. They want me to act like the adult I should be, but they still discipline me like I'm a kid. I've never once heard my parents tell me they're proud of me, and they never say 'I love you' to me first. It hurts so much because I try so hard to be a perfect daughter for them but they just don't care. All my mum does at work is sit at a desk and watch kids do work (she teaches at an alternative high school, so she doesn't even have to formally teach these days), come home, scream at us, and go to bed. She doesn't clean or cook and she has all of this free time, but instead she chooses to smoke cigarettes in the basement all day and get my pets sick with the smoke. All my dad does is work, eat, sleep (and take away from my sleep with his insanely loud snoring), go to the casino, and go shopping. My parents have changed so much within the last three years and it's hard to watch because I'm not sure if I even like who they are now, but it's even harder to deal with because all they do is make me hate myself. They laughed when a school psychologist said I have anxiety. They told me my life is so perfect and I'm selfish for even thinking anything could be wrong. When I try to open up to either of them, my dad just doesn't understand what I'm saying or my mum screams at me, throw shit at me, and leaves the house. Every. Time. I just hate upsetting people and I never know how to act near them anymore.

Lately, I don't even feel as though I have friends at all. I understand we're all busy with exams and such, but it hurts my feelings to see everyone talking to each other online but no one putting in an effort with me anymore ever since a little misunderstanding happened. I feel like everyone is done with me and my constant worrying. It sucks how I am always a crutch for others when I can barely even keep myself stable. That's primarily why I am taking my year break from Social Work and continuing with English and French just until I can figure some stuff about myself out. I don't expect a billion friends but I do just wish I had friends who loved me and understood me. I dwell on failed friendships so much and I miss people insanely. I miss my friend Jessee like crazy but every time I tell him this he says, "It's either all or nothing" (meaning if we don't date, he won't stay in my life) and I don't like him in that way. He was my first friend I felt such a significant bond with and he hurt me so bad and I don't even know why I care for him or miss him. I don't know why I still have feelings for old friends like Celina or Alyssa or Diandra who hurt me and completely ditched me. I don't know why even though I was treated like shit and so disrespected, I care so much for them. I wish my friends understood that them not talking to me gives me more anxiety and that I don't mean to be this way. I feel like sometimes they know I'll just apologize for things and do their way because they don't care that I care so much. I don't like myself, but one thing I do know is that if I'm friends with someone, I will always be a good friend and a loyal friend and a helpful friend. That is one of the very few things I'm good at. I just miss everyone. I honestly feel like the only person I have these days is Tom (96Strat, who never even uses his account anyways) because none of my friends seem to care, and my online friends are either busy with new relationships or don't know what to say or have their own problems. I even feel like my boyfriend is super annoyed with me or doesn't even care sometimes. I love him so much and he has his own issues and I feel like my problems strain our relationship. I've never felt this way about anyone and I'm scared of my anxiety ruining things between us.

I feel like if I say things, no one cares, but if someone else said them, people would find it funny or reply to it or want to talk to the person. I don't know what about me is so bad that repels people away. I don't know why I'm an easy target for people to find something to laugh at. I don't know why I'm so invisible to people. And I know that's stupid to say, but it's true. My brother is a drama student and when I went to the drama building a few days ago to get him so we could go home, I literally stood right in front of him and said, "Mark, let's go." RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. He just kept talking with friends. I kept following him around the room calling for him and he didn't notice me and just began dancing with people. And his stupid drama classmates didn't care or didn't notice me. It took me ten minutes before I gave up, sat at a table, and turned on my laptop. Finally, he ended up standing at the end of my table and it wasn't until I shook him that he said, "Oh, hi Mimi." I told him I was there for more than ten minutes and he said, "Bullshit." And of course, it wasn't until I said, "Everyone in drama is fucking ignorant, apparently" that then suddenly did their fucking ears work, and they felt the need to insult me. Even though I know in my head that they deserved to hear that because they didn't even go out of their way to help or anything, I still felt belittled and like something was wrong with me. No matter where I go I'm not 'Mimi'; I'm either just 'some annoying girl' or 'Mark's sister' or 'who?' I don't want to be famous or anything, if that's what you're getting out of this, but I wish I was just known as myself for once in my life. I want someone to value me for who I really am and not what they think I am so they can leave, and I wish people would take the time to know me. I try to always do that with people and I don't know why it's so hard for others to do the same.

I just am confused as to why people tell me to not be so hard on myself, but people are so hard on me. I don't get it, and I'm so tired of being sad and feeling alone and like no one likes me. What's so horrible about me, and what the fuck is wrong with me?

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...we need to talk. 1 on 1. In private. I just cannot stand seeing you in so much pain anymore, and the only thing I can offer is own experiences from the same age and a similar kind of a family and doctors who didn't care. So...hit me whenever you want.

Love. :hug:

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BetterThanAir

Posted

...we need to talk. 1 on 1. In private. I just cannot stand seeing you in so much pain anymore, and the only thing I can offer is own experiences from the same age and a similar kind of a family and doctors who didn't care. So...hit me whenever you want.

Love. :hug:

Thank you, Iva. :hug:

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Trotsky

Posted

Anxiety sucks; it's worse than depression because at least when you're depressed you are apathetic about the fact that you are. I've been through what you're feeling, it's a kind of hyperawareness that's just so grating it can make you insane, like all the sounds around you are a constant humming or screeching. It really fucking sucks.

I spent almost a year taking huge doses of Xanax to cope with it all and I'm off those pills now and I could never have imagined I'd be able to live without them. Coping without drugs means you really have to make some changes in yourself. I write a lot of metaphors so forgive that, I just find they help me make more sense to others so anyway think of it like this: If you have a migraine you might put on sunglasses or lie down in a dark quiet room. And that's what your anxiety is like, a constant awful pain in your head so you have to find a way to dim the lights in your conscious mind.

People are raised with this idea that to give up on anything is bad. But you have to give up investing yourself in all of the wrong things so you can dedicate yourself to the right things. The people around you aren't going to change. You need to change. You need to call yourself out when you start emotionally reacting. Get to the point where if your mom calls you every fucked up thing she can say to you, not so much say "whatever" but feel whatever.

If you practice, and you can practice changing your thought process just like you can practice anything, try to make yourself not feel anything when people are irrationally disappointed in you. It's a waste of your time and mental health to care. If people in your life are never going to be happy with you, redirect all that effort trying to make them happy into not giving a fuck what they think of you. And then focus on what you want.

You're an adult now. You may be financially dependent on your family but you're still a grown up and you can choose to act like one. Every time you stand up for yourself, you'll find it easier to do so again. And in the mean time, welcome to the fucked up kids club. We have cookies.

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Trotsky

Posted

Also let me give you a literal answer to your question: What's wrong with you is you ask too much what's wrong with you and not enough what's wrong with everyone else.

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Sofouska

Posted

Look, I think you're bright and nice, and you don't get to see those qualities often. And I mean it. You may think "why should I care if you like me?" and well that's true but just so you know.

I honestly don't know what to tell you, so I'm going to be as frank as possible: from my point of view people are truly horrible and the right friends or people who'll care for you may not come along soon. During that time you have to shut everyone out of your life; if some friends don't seem to care much then stop emotionally investing in them and if your mother makes your life hard you can stop having any sort of conversations with her other than a casual "how are you, how was your day". Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you have to listen to her and put up with all the things she says or does to you.

This isn't easy but I believe in you! I do. You need to do what John said: realize that you're not to blame for all those things that happen to you and love yourself, then it will be easier. You're not to blame for the ugly behavior people are exhibiting.

And no matter how wrong that may sound, you need to become a bad person. Not a completely bad person; well I'll explain: I see the way you interact with people and I can tell that you're always nice and polite and making sure the other person is not offended etc. When you're nice like that, people who are not as nice see it as a chance to 'step' on you. I'm not saying you should become mean and start offending people all of a sudden. Just try to detach yourself emotionally from them, pretend you're listening but don't, and stop caring as much because you hurt yourself and they give you no credit. And at that point you may think "wow you're a horrible person" and maybe I am? I don't know. I'm only sharing this with you because that's my defense mechanism, I turned into a bit of a cynic so that people don't get to me. Because I really really think that most people suck and don't deserve your kindness.

Anyway. Please feel better it's a shame when good people have to feel bad and someone is always going to be here for you.

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Sofouska

Posted

And remember, your brain tends to bring back the good stuff: when you start missing people who once hurt you or left you, try recalling the bad times. Or don't recall anything at all tbh. Delete everything and everyone, you can't carry your memories like chains.

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BetterThanAir

Posted

I love you both. This means a lot. Thank you for actually analyzing what I had to say and giving me some answers and some advice other than "well get over it" or "that's life". LOL I feel kind of stupid because my eyes are all watery because I didn't think anyone would care.

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Trotsky

Posted

Of course I care. I may not know you all too well but it's a struggle I've dealt with for years. Just the fact another person has to face it is enough cause for me to want to reach out.

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Trillie1

Posted

I truly value you for the person you are and your are my best friend online it hurts me deeply to see you in so much pain. I wish there was something more I can do than just leave a comment on this blog. If it's worth anything I will be here for you and you can always come to me when you need a "crutch". :hug::)

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21guns&novacaine

Posted

Hey Mimi :)

I'm sorry to hear this, I have similar issues and a relationship with my sister that's on rocks right now. It sucks to hear someone so amazing is brought down by the people who don't care. There's so many people like that these days, and it's hard to find someone who will be nice and offer a smile and not just talk to you because they want something.

Ever since we met in chat last year, I've liked you a lot and have been honored to be friends with you. You're amazing at everything you do, rather it's helping animals or taking care of them, giving out advice or simply being someone to talk to, I see you as you, and no one else. :)

Being ignored really sucks. Especially when you are excited about something, and just want to show someone, but they all push you aside because they think their lives are more important. There was this one time, I was first learning guitar, and I'd finally learned a real song, I tried to show it to my family, friends, but basically, I was tuned out, and I just about threw the towel in and gave up on guitar. But then one night, I stayed up late listening to music, and I realized it wasn't about what everyone else thought of my skills. It didn't matter if they thought I should quit because it wasn't their decision. I play guitar because I enjoy it, and it's something I look forward to, not because everyone wanted me to.

So if you have something you enjoy and no one understands, just keep it for you. If it makes you happy, do it.

I'm not sure if this really helped or not, but I hope so. Just find a goal and keep working towards it, tune everything else out. :) If volunteering is something you enjoy, keep working towards it and maybe someday you could run a shelter.

GDC will always be here for you and so will I. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me. :)

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Jirachi

Posted

I dont ignore you and I love tlaking to you, your phone is just a butt and makes it so you dont get my messages until days later :c

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Cameron.

Posted

Hey, this kind of thing absolutely breaks my heart to hear honestly cause I've been there before and if you need some serious advice, don't be afraid to PM me. You don't really know me but I promise I'm good for more than just quality shit posts. :+)

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I know there isn't any consolation when I say that its okay to reach out and talk to me Mimi. I have reiterated that many times over. The chat box/pm box/chance to converse is there when you want it, anytime and anywhere.

If anything, I actually understand what you are going through right now since I am in a similar position and it breaks my heart to hear you struggling. Life isn't fair in a sense, but it never was meant to be.

But I have to agree with John, what makes you think that your not perfect and the world isn't? What skews your perception of reality?

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BetterThanAir

Posted

Of course I care. I may not know you all too well but it's a struggle I've dealt with for years. Just the fact another person has to face it is enough cause for me to want to reach out.

You're a lovely person. I'm always here for you too if you need me. Thank you. <3

I truly value you for the person you are and your are my best friend online it hurts me deeply to see you in so much pain. I wish there was something more I can do than just leave a comment on this blog. If it's worth anything I will be here for you and you can always come to me when you need a "crutch". :hug::)

Thank you, Dom. :hug:

You're so sweet. Love you, thanks for that. :hug:

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SORRY I LOVE YOU you're literally the only person who even ever wants to talk to me.

ilu always here 4 u fam stay based xoxo

I just think there is something wrong with me and not other people because I'm always the one who is told that they're wrong and I never do anything to make others happy.

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greendepent

Posted

Things like this used to happen to me a lot of times. Some panics I had recently, but isn't too often as before. In some ways the solution that impose myself was don't give a shit about they expect to me, don't give a shit for people. Maybe it has a prize, as don't have almost any friends (my girlfriend and maybe 2 people more) but I don't socialize too much.

Maybe is painful to live in that way, but a big ammount of problems disappear after change my mind. Now I only matter about problems with myself not doing what I want to do. Still hurts, but I cannot waste my time with people that doesn't care about me.

Keep you strong :)

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