I just want to say that if you're not in the mood to read about someone ranting about their life, or if you're still super hyped about the House of Blues show from yesterday and don't want your mood brought down, I highly suggest you just don't read this if you ended up clicking it. I don't want to upset/annoy more people.
It sucks how no matter how many times I try to make this blogpost state exactly what my head is thinking, I can never do it. When I'm driving to work or taking notes at school, these thoughts consume me and I can't focus on anything else, and when I try to get them out of my head, I can't even do it. I'll just try my best to get it all out of my head right now because I've gotten to the point where I can't function properly due to this. I literally have no one else to turn to. My parents don't care. My friends don't care. My doctor doesn't care. My priest doesn't care. I've been using GDC as a means of happiness for a while now and so I just feel like this is really my last place to go.
I truly believe that unless you have anxiety or illnesses close to anxiety, you could never fully understand anxiety. I hate when I try to open up to people and I'm told to just 'calm down' or 'get over it', because that just sparks more anxiety into me. People don't understand that my mind is always racing and I'm always panicking. I always feel this horrible weight on my shoulders and chest and like I need to rush every single thing I do. I constantly panic about fucking things up and getting hurt. I think about things in the past and blame myself all the time. I always get so upset that I'm a piece of shit person and I can't do things right. So when someone tells me to just 'get over it', I get really upset with myself because I figure that I'm being selfish and my problems are all my issues. And that makes me hate myself more.
I hate how my parents can never be happy with me. Ever. They always yell and hit and scream over nothing and that really makes me adopt new and apparently obscene ways of doing things. For example, once when I was a kid, I dropped a plate and it broke, and my parents disciplined me so horribly that I make sure I never break any dishes ever again. I could literally give my mum the world and she'd say, "Why not the universe?" All my mother does from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed is act so negatively towards my brother and I. We could literally be so hyped and excited about something and whenever we're happy, she finds a way to rain on our parade. Or laugh at the things we're interested in. It's not as though I even ask her for anything anymore because she holds things over our heads or says no. I do everything for myself except pay rent. I know a lot of people probably have this but from the way we were raised and the way our families work, it shouldn't be this way. I don't believe I should get things I pay for taken away or broken in front of my face. I don't understand how my brother, who has more money than me, does not have to pay for his phone bill, clothes, food, books, etc., and I have to. I don't understand why every Sunday morning for the past three or four years, she yells at me for volunteering at the shelter, which is one of the only things that makes me happy, and of course she has to make me feel guilty about going. I barely even see my dad because when he's not working, he's sitting at Tim Horton's drinking coffee at a table by himself. I just don't understand. They expect so much of me and when I truly try nothing is enough. They want me to be this successful, well-rounded person, but discourage me from socializing with people and leaving my house. They expect me to go to work, make connections in the city (which I do through volunteer work), have productive hobbies, have friends, go to church, stay physically fit, excel in school, and clean the house every day. They want me to act like the adult I should be, but they still discipline me like I'm a kid. I've never once heard my parents tell me they're proud of me, and they never say 'I love you' to me first. It hurts so much because I try so hard to be a perfect daughter for them but they just don't care. All my mum does at work is sit at a desk and watch kids do work (she teaches at an alternative high school, so she doesn't even have to formally teach these days), come home, scream at us, and go to bed. She doesn't clean or cook and she has all of this free time, but instead she chooses to smoke cigarettes in the basement all day and get my pets sick with the smoke. All my dad does is work, eat, sleep (and take away from my sleep with his insanely loud snoring), go to the casino, and go shopping. My parents have changed so much within the last three years and it's hard to watch because I'm not sure if I even like who they are now, but it's even harder to deal with because all they do is make me hate myself. They laughed when a school psychologist said I have anxiety. They told me my life is so perfect and I'm selfish for even thinking anything could be wrong. When I try to open up to either of them, my dad just doesn't understand what I'm saying or my mum screams at me, throw shit at me, and leaves the house. Every. Time. I just hate upsetting people and I never know how to act near them anymore.
Lately, I don't even feel as though I have friends at all. I understand we're all busy with exams and such, but it hurts my feelings to see everyone talking to each other online but no one putting in an effort with me anymore ever since a little misunderstanding happened. I feel like everyone is done with me and my constant worrying. It sucks how I am always a crutch for others when I can barely even keep myself stable. That's primarily why I am taking my year break from Social Work and continuing with English and French just until I can figure some stuff about myself out. I don't expect a billion friends but I do just wish I had friends who loved me and understood me. I dwell on failed friendships so much and I miss people insanely. I miss my friend Jessee like crazy but every time I tell him this he says, "It's either all or nothing" (meaning if we don't date, he won't stay in my life) and I don't like him in that way. He was my first friend I felt such a significant bond with and he hurt me so bad and I don't even know why I care for him or miss him. I don't know why I still have feelings for old friends like Celina or Alyssa or Diandra who hurt me and completely ditched me. I don't know why even though I was treated like shit and so disrespected, I care so much for them. I wish my friends understood that them not talking to me gives me more anxiety and that I don't mean to be this way. I feel like sometimes they know I'll just apologize for things and do their way because they don't care that I care so much. I don't like myself, but one thing I do know is that if I'm friends with someone, I will always be a good friend and a loyal friend and a helpful friend. That is one of the very few things I'm good at. I just miss everyone. I honestly feel like the only person I have these days is Tom (96Strat, who never even uses his account anyways) because none of my friends seem to care, and my online friends are either busy with new relationships or don't know what to say or have their own problems. I even feel like my boyfriend is super annoyed with me or doesn't even care sometimes. I love him so much and he has his own issues and I feel like my problems strain our relationship. I've never felt this way about anyone and I'm scared of my anxiety ruining things between us.
I feel like if I say things, no one cares, but if someone else said them, people would find it funny or reply to it or want to talk to the person. I don't know what about me is so bad that repels people away. I don't know why I'm an easy target for people to find something to laugh at. I don't know why I'm so invisible to people. And I know that's stupid to say, but it's true. My brother is a drama student and when I went to the drama building a few days ago to get him so we could go home, I literally stood right in front of him and said, "Mark, let's go." RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. He just kept talking with friends. I kept following him around the room calling for him and he didn't notice me and just began dancing with people. And his stupid drama classmates didn't care or didn't notice me. It took me ten minutes before I gave up, sat at a table, and turned on my laptop. Finally, he ended up standing at the end of my table and it wasn't until I shook him that he said, "Oh, hi Mimi." I told him I was there for more than ten minutes and he said, "Bullshit." And of course, it wasn't until I said, "Everyone in drama is fucking ignorant, apparently" that then suddenly did their fucking ears work, and they felt the need to insult me. Even though I know in my head that they deserved to hear that because they didn't even go out of their way to help or anything, I still felt belittled and like something was wrong with me. No matter where I go I'm not 'Mimi'; I'm either just 'some annoying girl' or 'Mark's sister' or 'who?' I don't want to be famous or anything, if that's what you're getting out of this, but I wish I was just known as myself for once in my life. I want someone to value me for who I really am and not what they think I am so they can leave, and I wish people would take the time to know me. I try to always do that with people and I don't know why it's so hard for others to do the same.
I just am confused as to why people tell me to not be so hard on myself, but people are so hard on me. I don't get it, and I'm so tired of being sad and feeling alone and like no one likes me. What's so horrible about me, and what the fuck is wrong with me?