If you don't like rants, I suggest you don't read this.
It's the first day back to school, and my hands have already broken out into hives, and I've had three nosebleeds.
This semester seems like it's going to be stressful. I have only had one class today and I'm currently taking a break form working on a paper which is due on March 26th...if I have to start a paper this early, that should tell you how time consuming this paper is.
On top of that, none of my books (besides one) is available at the campus bookstore. I have readings to do for next week and I'm paranoid and I'm scared of being behind.
I feel like I've failed so much last semester. I feel horrible because I don't even know what will happen to me next year. I don't know if I'll get into social work. I don't know if I should drop everything and just write. I don't know what to do. I have so many things I'm trying to do and and so many things I want to achieve and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know how to handle this. I just want a huge board and a best friend to come and help me plan step-by-step what I need to do.
I don't know if I truly have anyone here for me. I only feel like I have one person who cares about me and now I'm worried if I fucked up everything and if they're busy or just ignoring me or if I'm burdening them or if I'm being selfish.
Literally none of what I'm saying makes any exact sense unless you were in my head. I wish I knew how to word this stuff better, and I wish I knew how to seek help for things.
I don't know what the hell my heart wants. With anything. School wise, career wise, friendship wise, more-than-friend wise...
A huge part of me wants to be alone because no one understands anyways, no matter how much I try to explain things. I want to be alone because all I do is get jealous of other people and realize how much of a shitty person I am.
If I push people away, why am I not okay with being alone?
I don't know how some people handle things so well. I don't know where I'm going wrong.
I'm so stressed and tired of everything. I just wish I wasn't so confused all the time.
I don't know what to do.
I don't really know where I'm going with all of this but I'll end it here. Just needed a place for my brain to projectile vomit some bullshit that goes on in my head.