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No one ever said that life is fair...

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Elena

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I don't know how to start...I'm listening to Adam's Song by Blink 182 because I'm in this mood again. I know I should be happy: I have holidays, I have a ticket for a festival with Green Day as headliners and I'll get the chance for the girls national hockey team, but I'm still totally depressed...and why? Well, I don't know, I guess it's cos next week school starts again and on Tuesday we'll write this Chemistry test and I need a good mark, cos if I have a bad mark, I probably won't come into the next class and with that I'd also have to leave my school and go to the next worse one, cos I already repeated the class this year.

Also my motivation in hockey is almost gone. Since I broke my collarbone twice in a row, nothing seem to work: My head and my back hurt, I'm afraid of getting another fracture and that's why I suck at playing now and also my technique is shitty, cos I didn't train while I was injured and missed almost the whole season and my stamina is also shit now. My team doesn't help there either, they just all ask why I even play hockey when I'm so bad and tease me for everything. Somehow I just wanna stop playing hockey and jack it all in, but then I realize that I also can't live without hockey and I also don't wanna miss my best chance for the national team. It's always been my biggest dream to play there and now I seriously get the chance and maybe get what I wanted...and then there's also my other team: a girls team. They're all really nice there and I like them all. Okay, now you might think "Why don't you go out of the boys team and just play in the girls team?", well, the reason for that is that when you just play in a girls team, you don't become as good, it's not as challenging and you don't have so many games. I always prefered boys hockey, though I hate my team...but I can't go to another team, cos there's simply none and the only other team in my region already have more than enough players.

Anyways...I don't know whether I should really continue playing and I said that when I break my collarbone again, I'll stop and also if I don't come into the national team I'll stop with it...

It's weird, it's always been my biggest hobby, my biggest passion, I loved it since I was 3, always knew I wanted to do that, from the first moment on. When I first saw it I told my mom that I wanna do that, too, although I never even skated on ice before. From that moment on we went from ice rink to ice rink just that I could learn how to skate on ice. After one year we went to a club and after a short time I came into the team, I tried to get better, shot my first goal. I was happy when we won, was proud of my team. I still can remember what music we used to listen to in the dressing room, it was awesome music, songs like Last Resort by Papa Roach, 10 Kleine Jägermeister by Die Toten Hosen and also American Idiot by Green Day (back then I didn't know that it was by GD, though, but I loved the song). We also had a AC/DC CD, I loved that time. Then this team split up and I went to another one, they liked me and I was proud that I could play there and proud when I shot my first goal in the new team. It's sad how everything changed...now my team hates me and I hate my team and I lost my passion for the sports. They say I suck at hockey and I start to believe them, I really got worse, really bad. I try not to listen to them and I really don't wanna stop because of them, but ya know, it's just no fun anymore. I have the feeling that the only things that keep me in that team are because I wanna bother them with my pure presense cos I know they want me to go and the other reason is that my parents want that I stay there and play hockey. Maybe my parents want that, because they know that I actually don't wanna jack it all in and I should show that team how good I actually can play and who I really am and maybe they also wanna show me that my injury shouldn't mean my end with that sport...

In the past I was bullied by my class and now I'm in a different class and everything's fine. I hope something like that happens with my team...either they change or I simply need to change anything, either go into another team or just play in the girls team and forget about the boys team, even though I hate that idea xD

I have no idea why I wrote all this...maybe I just had to let off my steam...

uhm...I once wrote a song about my depression and it's also a bit about what I wrote above...I wrote it after I broke my collarbone the second time, though it's not completely about hockey but more about depression and that everything has an end:

Sitting on a chair

with an empty mind

feeling nothing

cos you don't know

what to feel

It's so empty inside

but on the same time

your head's so full

-full of sadness

no one'd ever understand

Something's broken

but not just a bone

something's broken inside

something inside your head

something inside your heart

It was the moment you realized

that your dreams will never come true

It was the moment you realized

that you have to give up on your hobby somewhen

It was the moment you realized

that you have to let go

It was the moment you realized

that everything has an end

Yeah it was the moment you realized

that your life isn't always fair

It was the moment that changed your life

You're waiting

waiting for nothing

or maybe for a better time?

You don't know

and you don't care

You hear the clock ticking

it feels like

there's a time bomb

inside your head

and you can't stop it

You sit there

alone on a chair

while the world doesn't care

but you don't care

about the world

It was the moment you realized

that your dreams will never come true

It was the moment you realized

that you have to give up on your hobby somewhen

It was the moment you realized

that you have to let go

It was the moment you realized

that everything has an end

Yeah it was the moment you realized

that your life isn't always fair

It was the moment that changed your life

You're sitting there

with thousand questions

none will ever be answered

but you don't mind

cos you know that

Looking back

into the past

it makes you cry

and you start asking

those thousand questions again

Why is this world

so unfair?

Why does it always happen to me?

I'll never know...

It was the moment you realized

that your dreams will never come true

It was the moment you realized

that you have to give up on your hobby somewhen

It was the moment you realized

that you have to let go

It was the moment you realized

that everything has an end

Yeah it was the moment you realized

that your life isn't always fair

It was the moment that changed your life

and I once wrote another song about my stupid depression...it btw has a guitar-line now:

Depression's taken over me

and I don't even know why it's still here

it's taken away my motivation

or am I just too lazy?

There once was a reason

for all my misery

but that's all gone now

but my depression's still here

I'd like to know the reasons

but I guess I'll never know

It just seems like

my depression's never gonna disappear

I already posted both songs in my thread in Words I Might Have Ate, I just thought they fit to my feelings now, so I posted them here again...

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Disapperingirl

Posted

I'm really sorry about all that staff Elena, it sounds like a very heavy period for you :(

However remeber that we're always here, whatever you need, whenever you wanna talk! :hug:

I loved your lyrics :wub:

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I'm really sorry about all that staff Elena, it sounds like a very heavy period for you :(

However remeber that we're always here, whatever you need, whenever you wanna talk! :hug:

I loved your lyrics :wub:

well, i just feel like everything sucks lately :/

aww thank you :hug: you're just so nice :hug:

thank you, I'm glad you like them :hug:

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I'm sorry to hear that, Elena. But I'm sure this is just a phase and things will get on better faster than you expected!

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I'm sorry to hear that, Elena. But I'm sure this is just a phase and things will get on better faster than you expected!

thank you :hug: ...well, i hope that, too :P ...but i somehow doubt it...i feel like that now since about 2 years or even longer :/

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TheJesusOfSuburbiaIsALie

Posted

I am so sorry about eveerything tht's happened! :hug: I really hope that you feel better and everything becomes alright soon :)

I loved the lyrics! :wub:

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I am so sorry about eveerything tht's happened! :hug: I really hope that you feel better and everything becomes alright soon :)

I loved the lyrics! :wub:

thank you :hug:

aww thanks, i'm glad you like them :hug:

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ConfirmPassword

Posted

Wow I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry about all this. But remember about your broken bone, you'll get good again and you'll be able to show those stupid boys that you can kick some ass!! 2 years is a long time to feel bad, but I''m sure you'll feel good again.

Never give up Elena :hug:

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Wow I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry about all this. But remember about your broken bone, you'll get good again and you'll be able to show those stupid boys that you can kick some ass!! 2 years is a long time to feel bad, but I''m sure you'll feel good again.

Never give up Elena :hug:

thank you so much :hug: ...i hope i can, the only problem is that they also get better and not just me :P ...but i'll try my best :D thanks :hug:

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I feel so sorry for you. I hope you can start to fell better :hug: Your lyrics are great btw. Good job :)

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I feel so sorry for you. I hope you can start to fell better :hug: Your lyrics are great btw. Good job :)

thaank you :hug: and well, at the moment i feel a bit better, but really desperate, i think i'll see in the summer holidays whether it gets better or not :) (i mean better for longer than just one day xD)

thank you!! :hug:

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