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Mnemophobia

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Mnemophobia

Basically the title means fear of memories. I'm not very proud of the way this turned out, if you guys could give me any pointers it would be very helpful.

All those memories keep him up at night

Can't sleep, can't ever close his eyes

He hasn't felt alive for so long

He feels so torn apart

The dirty war broke his fragile heart

He closes his eyes, sees the starry desert sky

He can see the bullet as it pierced his commander's might

He could feel the blood of the soldier flow through his open palms

All the fighting, all the patriotic feelings

Left him with nothing at all.

He returned home, a hero of war

He returned home only to fall apart

His father's trying, mother's crying

But how can he forget watching

Men die in his arms

The heat of the desert is imprinted in his mind

He remembers aiming to kill a million times

The can't shed the blood on his hands

These memories, seem so unfair

He closes his eyes, sees the starry desert sky

He can see the bullet as it pierced his commander's might

He could feel the blood of the soldier flow through his open palms

All the fighting, all the patriotic feelings

Left him with nothing at all.


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4 Comments

Posted

You need a much tighter structure. The words are there, but although that's a great talent to have it's not always enough to really make a piece of writing stand out. First of all it needs balance. The 4th verse has four lines instead of five, for example, making it seem really random in comparison to the rest of the piece. =/ Also, four lines per verse is generally accepted as the norm structure-wise. Although it's cool and unique to challenge that, you'd need to really focus on making each line conform to a syllable/rhyme pattern to make it work well.

That's probably the only reason you're doubting it tbh… The writing is generally really great and it has a lot of potential to be a really great piece with some structure changes! :)

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Posted

You need a much tighter structure. The words are there, but although that's a great talent to have it's not always enough to really make a piece of writing stand out. First of all it needs balance. The 4th verse has four lines instead of five, for example, making it seem really random in comparison to the rest of the piece. =/ Also, four lines per verse is generally accepted as the norm structure-wise. Although it's cool and unique to challenge that, you'd need to really focus on making each line conform to a syllable/rhyme pattern to make it work well.

That's probably the only reason you're doubting it tbh… The writing is generally really great and it has a lot of potential to be a really great piece with some structure changes! :)

Thank you so much! Now that you've pointed it out, the difference in the fourth verse seems to stand out a lot. I generally write with a certain pattern in my head but the way this song was originally written in my book and the way it's posted here is rather different so I understand that the pattern is rather off.

Thank you for your opinion, it's really useful :D I'll try to edit this and put the edited version up as soon as possible :D

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Posted

I really like these lyrics in general, but I agree about the structure - just add a line to the second verse or remove one from the first. The only other thing I'm not sure about is the line "All the fighting, all the patriotic feelings". It just feels a bit clumsy - maybe try to find a better way of wording the patriotic feelings part.

Otherwise, great work as usual! :D

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Posted

I really like these lyrics in general, but I agree about the structure - just add a line to the second verse or remove one from the first. The only other thing I'm not sure about is the line "All the fighting, all the patriotic feelings". It just feels a bit clumsy - maybe try to find a better way of wording the patriotic feelings part.

Otherwise, great work as usual! :D

Ok, I'll see what I can do :) I'm glad you pointed that out too, I completely didn't know what to add after, 'All the fighting' as in the original the next sentence before was a bit different and the continuation, 'all the patriotic feelings' was a rather hasty addition. But thank you :D

Thanks!!!! :D

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