Sounds like a good name for a song. It isn't now...but maybe later.
I had a really, really good run of writing blogs that weren't whiny and self-loathing, but unfortunately I think that comes to an end today because at the moment I feel completely and utterly powerless. It's been one of those days that's been decent enough, but something's been eating away at the back of my head. The end of break is getting closer and I don't feel like I've made good use of my time, yet again. Right now, though, I just don't feel marketable. I see friends that are good with computers and technology, from hacking to pirating to networking, I see friends who are great at drawing people's attention, I see friends that are good at pinpoint what their other friends like, I see friends that can draw, paint, design, AND write...everyone's good at something...yet I can't seem to find what it is I'm good at. I want to say that maybe I'm a jack of all trades but I master of none, but I could not say it in confidence. I have no outlandish yet oddly practical skills to impress at parties with. I mean, I'm pretty damn good at solitaire.
It seems like no matter what I think I do well, there's always someone who's effortlessly better. Heck, for all my gaming talk, I'm not very good at them. You may argue that getting straight As in college is quite the acheivement, but they don't mean anything. I don't feel like an expert at psychology, and I don't feel any closer to being comfortable in such a profession. In the same vein, I doubt I could hold a conversation in Japanese, despite having been in and passed three Japanese classes now. Rolling on down the line, my writing never gets done nor is what I do present apparently good enough to attract attention and encourage me to get other things done, and don't even get me started on drawing because there's a whole deviantart I can show you.
I hate seeing this one guy comment on every single one of my [female] friend's statuses on facebook. It HAS to be annoying because I mean, isn't that kind of annoying? It's the kind of thing that most people look at and see something fishy, and I do. He was fishy in goddamn middle school. Yet something about him makes me feel powerless. In the six or so years since those days, he's become a personal trainer of some kind, and the idea that what used to be fat on his body is now muscle is slightly more than intimidating. When someone annoys me or looks like they're annoying someone else, my vivid imagination kicks in and I like to imagine myself being in the role of a hero (or otherwise). Yet with him, it's inconceivable. Not that I'd ever say anything because that is massively unlike me, but fuck I'd be afraid to. I couldn't defend myself, certainly not physically.
I've never been an expert at defending myself with wit either. This was a huge thing in my last relationship. I rarely ever won arguments. I could never, ever change her mind about something. Everywhere I went, every point I made was shot down with me not knowing how to retort. It's still the same in lesser cases today, where I think of things I think are great only to find they're not quite there. I can't maneuver around and crush a person's logic like Holmes or L can. I can't manipulate or rally people to even the slightest degree. I can barely successfully stick up for myself. I've always been frustrated by this since I am, on a few accounts a smart person, or at least I've always believed this.
Usually I deflect all these thoughts with the idea that I have moments where I pat myself on the back and say "I love me," but tonight I could scarcely think of any examples. I know that this is just a phase and I won't feel like this maybe as soon as tomorrow, but right now it's bothering me. Rants like these always come from a long string of things, a culmination of ominous feelings. I never act on them, despite that they're always right. I should be trying to change these things and devoting more time to a craft or even several, and yet I more or less just wait until it passes over every time, and nothiner ever changes.
I like to think there's something on the horizon. There's something that I'm determined to do soon that I hope will inspire me to be a better person. I don't know how that's even going to work out, but it's one of those things like MagFest that I just kind of have to try just to do it. It's finally to the point where I feel like I'm getting stuck...but I have the option of getting unstuck. I know I can't let it pass me by, and it feels like it will if I don't act soon. Better to clear my head I guess. It's just tough because in order to do that and make it work, I feel like I CAN'T be this weak like I am now. ...Women like CONFIDENCE, right? That's why I hate these moments, because she's the first person I'd go to, and yet, in this case, the last person I'd want to tell.
But anyway, I'm in one of those moods where I want to tear a room apart in slow motion. Luckily, I've run across the perfect song:
There's also a new episode of Zelda out. I defeat a boss in ONE FUCKING MINUTE, and then it's off to the...races?