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Rollin in on a Brutal Love

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I have very few ideas where that title came from...

Actually no, yes I do. "Brutal Love" because I like that song and it's been stuck in my head for like four days now. "Rollin in on" because I'm really just passing through right now...for a number of reasons. First, because I can't look at white text on a black background for too long without my eyes crying. Not me crying, my eyes crying. And at this point the light skin is probably an option again and I'm bitching about nothing.

That's actually my second reason. I haven't been writing as many blogs lately, which is good and bad. If you've been missing me, thank you. If not, eh. Part of the reason I haven't been writing, and stop me if you've heard this from me before, but I hate just kind of wanking over current events. Some have profound meanings to them, and with others I MAKE those profound meanings through excessive thought. Excessive thought is something I like to avoid nowadays, so hence fewer blogs where I force points. Heck, I didn't even really want to do this entry, but I've still got a little time and a little steam left so what the hey. See, I discovered last weekend that I really, really hate being dramatic outside of settings that require it. I tried writing what I call "midnight poems" on Friday night and I quit three poems in because I couldn't think of a topic to write about that wasn't me bitching or moaning. I guess I hate it because I don't think I'm important enough to be complaining like that, however eloquently. No one wants to hear or read another stupid thing about love that you don't have, so what makes me think my take on it is actually fresh or effective?

Brutal Love actually connects with this a bit. See, I think the reason I like it so much is because of its balance between snark and drama. It's an undeniably dramatic song, yet there are some lines that seem to contradict that tone. SOMETHING about this song gives me two seconds of "god this feeling sucks" and one second of "ha I'm so stupid for saying that." I don't know what it is exactly. I think it has to do with the line "drop out, drop dead idiot" just because he says "idiot." That line feels like it slaps me over the head. Or maybe it's just that Green Day is doing a 50s/60s style ballad in 2012, and that makes me think "Oh this is kinda silly." Even if I'm wrong about that second tone, it's an example of that kind of dramaticism that works.

I guess there's another reason I've been so quiet lately and that's the fact that finals are here this week. I can't use that as too much of an excuse because I'm not spending a whole lot of time studying. I've got a few annoying things here and there to do, but not too much. I'd like to tell you where my head REALLY is...but I guess...I'd only do it if someone out there wanted to hear it.

See that's the thing. I always feel like I'm living my life in front of an audience. I'm stopping myself from doing things because of what I think others would think of it, even though there's no one around even when I want someone listening. I mean yeah, preventing myself from doing rants and thinking about things too much is good, but only to a certain degree I think. I feel like now I'm regressing into a stage where I'm afraid to do things, and I can't go back there because I only recently started to crawl out of it. I need to turn that shit around real quick, and dear god do I want to.

It goes in hand with a few other things I want at the moment too...




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