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About this blog

I don't know... Random stuff? Enjoy.

Entries in this blog

 

Jealousy Issues

I've been insecure before, nothing new. Usually my insecurity is my place in other people's lives rather than something physical/my appearance. I worry about annoying others, pushing them away, or being too clingy. Especially when it comes to my romantic relationships - I've been trying to work past it for years. So something happened recently and I need some advice about whether I'm A) being stupid/insecure and need to knock this shit off, or if B) I'm right in feeling insecure. Back story to this situation (for just the situation skip to the green) : So my fiance was the manager for a (different than me) pizza place. Because of recent general management changes and decisions, Kenny has decided to leave to manage a restaurant for the company I work for (more money, less stress, less strict). Anyways, there's this girl who worked for him and she's about 16-years-old (Kenny is 21 turning 22 this year). She has a boyfriend but she's always talking to Kenny at work, texting him (work related, but things she obviously already knows) and calling him (work related, stupid shit). Well I've told Kenny I don't trust this girl, I think she likes him, and I think he needs to be more wary of her. She has a boyfriend but to me that doesn't deter people. Here's the issue, back story over: We went to his goodbye party for the crew to say goodbye to him, and she showed up in a skimpy skirt and kept staring at him and talking to him. When I caught her looking at him, she'd look away and look upset. I confronted Kenny about it and he laughed, assuring me he's mine. But, he also said "I just don't think she likes me, I don't think she's that kind of person". To me it felt like he was standing up for her instead of for me. Then I read the note she wrote him, which was a huge card in tiny writing. She said that his management was "better than anything she could have ever asked for". And she said that she couldn't even "begin to express how thankful" she was for "everything" he's done for her from the day he met her. ((To reduce my bias and to make this more fair for her, I'm including a quote without her name in the quote area below)) Is it just me or is this a little too clingy and too mushy to be saying to your boss? Should I be jealous? Is he standing up for her? Or am I just crazy?  Someone please bring me back to earth.
 

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing with My Life

Honestly, I kind of need some advice and I figured sharing my thoughts on this might help someone else, I don't know. But, here goes nothing. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do when I "grow up," whenever that is. When we were kids, we were ingrained with this thought of needing to know from day one what our future plans are and how to achieve it through college and higher education.  Now, when you peel back that bullshit logic, you get kids like me that are in their 20s and terrified because I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing let alone what my purpose in this life is. I have no clue what I'd like to do for 50+ years so I can retire and die.  None of my interests or hobbies seem to connect to a career like it does for other people. Spending hundreds of thousands of dollars I don't have on classes I don't like to get a degree I might not use turns me off. It's far too risky.  I feel like a failure and I feel guilty for not going into college because my grandma acts like I'm the worst thing alive because of it. My mother and I have associates degrees in our respective fields and work at a pizza place together; we are not the favorites. However, my mother's sister and my brother both have bachelor's degrees in their fields and are the apples of my grandma's eyes. I seek approval, yet want to carve my own path. So I reach an impasse that leaves me feeling talentless, worthless, and lost.  Anyone else feel this way? The American education system is fucked up and expensive. 

maryjanewhatsername

maryjanewhatsername

 

The Line Between Self-care and Self-absorption

I see a ton of self-care tweets, Instagram accounts, and Pinterest tips these days and that is awesome - little things to keep a positive frame of mind are awesome! But when does it cross the line into snotty, self-obsession that lacks empathy?  Self-care: Hygeine, Beauty, and Safe-Sex Tips  I see a lot of "beauty hacks" and little words of advice for anything from clearer skin to safe sex education to extending the longevity of perfumes. These are all fantastic and often are household items that can help save money. I live for these positive ideas that help with self-esteem and overall well being.  Self-absorption: Justifying Bitchy/Selfish/Rude Behavior I get it - we can all have an attitude and say or do things we regret when we feel defensive. But normalizing cold, stand-offish behavior is not gratifying and doesn't have any value for self-care.  What I mean by this kind of behavior is encouraging others to be heartless, angry, or on attack-mode at a constant.  On one "self-care" Twitter account I saw them encouraging others to not give second chances, not to trust others, and to "remember only you got you." This just simply isn't a healthy way to live and interact with others. It creates a very "me versus everyone" outlook which can destroy relationships and damage a person's self worth. Most people choose this kind of outlook based upon past heartaches and experiences.  It's always important to remember that your past does not define you and that not everyone in this world is out to get you. With that being said, it's still a good idea to be cautious with what aspects of your life you share with others.  Self-care: Sharing Coping Mechanisms, Relaxation Techniques, and Life Advice It is amazing when someone else gives you a little tip to help ease anxiety, depression, and stress from everyday life or chronic conditions. It is a balance of promoting positive thinking with an overall healthy mental attitude.  Little social cues, breathing exercises, and biochemical remedies for anxiety are wonderful things I've learned on the internet to help with stress. Encouraging strong relationships, time for oneself, and subtle changes in habits can really go a long way for helping someone through hard times without losing empathy and compassion for others.  **DISCLAIMER: this is just my opinion. I would love open discussion on this topic to hear everyone else's thoughts!!**

maryjanewhatsername

maryjanewhatsername

Sleepy Time Tips

I can't sleep for shit a lot of the time, so I thought I would share some of my tips that help me sleep and other tips I found scouring the Internet.  Honestly though, most of this shit is from my brain-u-lizer. Eat at Least an Hour Before Bed A nice warm meal and a full belly always makes it easier for me to sleep. The most annoying thing in the world is trying to sleep with a grumbly, achy stomach that really wants that beefy five layer from Taco Bell. Although, I do recommend that you don't eat super spicy, greasy, or fried food before bed (sorry, Taco Bell) because this can make your stomach sick in more ways than one and you definitely won't be asleep. I usually eat soup or a bland pasta (less sauce, I can't live without sauce) before bed so that my body has carbohydrates and calories to burn through while I sleep and so my stomach is full. Also then I dream about food, which is the best. Don't Drink Caffeine for at Least 2 Hours Before Bed Guilty of not following this one very closely. Love my caffeinated beverages a little too much. But this one is pretty simple - control yourself and drink something else before bed, like water. Being hydrated before bed is good for your skin and helps with digestion (like that pasta from earlier). You should just drink water all the time. Take a Shower or Bath Before Bed Because I'm weird, I can't sleep unless I've showered. Having that "ah hellz yeah I'm clean" feeling when you jump into bed is just the best. Especially the freshly shaven legs and clean sheets feeling. Being nice and clean just washes away the stresses of that day for me so I can go to sleep. If I don't clean up before bed, I just feel sticky and disgusting and like I'm dragging today into tomorrow.  Journal or Vent Before Bed You know that stress you have been carrying around all day? Don't bring that BS with you to bed. Keeping a journal or venting to a dearly beloved can help take the stress and unpack it from your mind. Somehow, sharing your woes with another person helps share the burden of life.  Make the Environment Suitable for Sleepy Time I don't know about you, but I have to sleep in a frozen wasteland with a white noise maker app thing in the background. So I have an app on my phone (it's called Relaxio - super good, free) and a fan. Other people need a lot of fuzzy blankets and pure silence. That is totally okay. I also have a little bit of light in my room when I sleep from my computer, so that helps me. My coworker sleeps with her TV on, so that might also help you.  Decide When You're Getting into Bed and Stick to It When it's time for bed - it's time for bed. This gets your circadian rhythm set into a "I sleep now, I wake up then" type thing. Circadian rhythm and REM sleep are importante, people.    Hopefully this little bit of nonsense helps!! ❤️

maryjanewhatsername

maryjanewhatsername

 

1/8th of My Life Crisis

I'm having such a hard time with my life right now. I'm kind of at a crossroads with what I want to do with my life. I'd like to go to medical school with a forensics emphasis so I could be a medical examiner, but I'd also really like to go to medical school and nursing school to be a nurse in the NICU, but I'd also really like to go to piercing school to be a professional piercer, but I'd also really like to go to cosmetology school... Do you see my dilemma? None of these are really my "dream job." Just casual interests. The only problem is I live in 'Merica and education here is so damned expensive and I'm nervous about going to school for so long and spending so much money, and ending up hating what I studied and paying for a degree I'll never use until I die. (Such a positive thing - debt until I die).  Any advice??

maryjanewhatsername

maryjanewhatsername

 

Relationship Help

HELP MEEEEE I feel like this post is too long for the relationships thread so seems like a better place to chuck it in the blog.  My boyfriend/damn near fiance and I have been together for 3 years. BEST three years of my life. He treats me like a princess, he's kind to me, we hardly argue, and he's a sexy beast. All around, we are a perfect fit and I'm madly in love with him. I bug him about getting married all the time! We talk about the future, kids, all that stuff.  But... I still find myself occasionally seeing an attractive man (or woman, I swing both ways) and I think "damn he/she is hot" and then I feel incredibly guilty for it. I almost feel like I'm cheating for thinking these things. My boyfriend says it's normal, but I still beat myself up about it.  Please help... Is it normal to feel this way? Is it normal to notice attractive people and to not want anything to do with them, just noticing they are attractive? 

My Best Friend

So, my best friend is my 6-year-old golden retriever. She is my fur baby, and my little partner in crime. Her name is Maggie.  I got Maggie for my birthday one year and I spent the whole summer raising and training her from the time she was 8 weeks old. Maggie is one of the best things that's ever happened to me, and she's been there for me through so much. She recently got verified as my emotional support animal, since she has always been there to cushion the blow from emotional trauma.  The point I wanted to make was how amazing our pets are! We don't give them enough credit. I can't imagine my life without Maggie in it. I hope everyone gets to experience the love and compassion from animals at some point in their lives.  After you read this, please love on your animals!! ❤️ (Maggie is pictured) 

maryjanewhatsername

maryjanewhatsername

 

Working with Assholes

*ANGRY RANT WARNING, SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET FUCKING REAL* Oooooooookay. There's this hoe who works with us down at the pizza place (yes, I can call her a hoe, she tried to hit on my 16 year old cousin when she's 22 and sent him nudes but that's a different story for a different time). So this BITCH requests at least a week off each MONTH. LAST MINUTE. SO SHE CAN "SPEND TIME WITH HER BOYFRIEND" WHO SHE LIVES WITH. That already irritates the ever-loving CHRIST out of me. Not only does she do that, but she will call in sick all the fucking time.  So I'm covering her AGAIN tomorrow. Don't want to, but my mom needs someone who can roll dough and there's only 3 of us who can - hoe who called in, another guy with a second job, and me. So I'm covering. But I'm gonna talk to my mom about retraining a former roller to take hoebag's place. That way I don't have to work 60+ hours a week  PIZZA SHOULD NOT BE THIS STRESSFUL OF A BUSINESS OH MY GOD  

Being Yourself

So this is kind of a deep topic as well as kind of basic/mushy gushy. But when I was younger I really had a hard time being myself because I just worried so much about what other people thought. I let it dictate my personality, my likes/dislikes, beliefs, friendships, literally everything. It got to a really critical point when I was about 13 because I was so manic-depressive and suicidal and I just felt like everything I did and everything I said was going to get me made fun of and I would just feel more alone.  I went into therapy and my therapist told me that part of being yourself was accepting that being yourself and being 100% true to you is a lonely and terrifying thing. You are the only you that there is. And being yourself is not something friends can help you with, and it's not going with the flow. Being yourself is hard, lonely, and scary - and it hurts at times. And I told my therapist that it was so hard for me because I cared what other people thought. I asked her what I could do about that and she told me the most sage advice that I have lived by since. She said: "You will always care. It will always hurt. What matters is how you deal with it and if you're going to let it dictate your life." WHEN SHE SAID THAT I LITERALLY HAD AN EPIPHANY, A CRISIS, A MIND-FUCKING ON AN ASTRONOMICAL SCALE. I WAS SHOOK.  So, since then, everytime someone decides to be an absolute chode, I remind myself that what they say does hurt. But what I say to myself is what matters most.  I hope this helps anyone who needs it. 

maryjanewhatsername

maryjanewhatsername

 

The Deadliest Road in Idaho

So I live in Emmett, Idaho. Small town in a redneck state. Connecting Emmett to the capital city of Boise is a narrow, bumpy 2-lane highway called Highway 16. ID16 is a very notorious road, having a higher death toll than any other road in the state. Along each side of the road every few miles is a patch of crosses honoring the fallen.  The reason why this highway is a disaster is simple - idiots who drive in excess of 20mph over the 65mph speed limit and a lack of guard rails. On each side of the road is a steep drop off into a ditch where cars roll when involved in even the slightest render bender. It also doesn't help most of the jackasses who traverse the highway aren't paying attention and fall prey to highway hypnosis, a trance-like state caused by driving long, boring stretches of road.  I take this highway almost daily. And 9 out of 10 times there's a crash. The latest crash was at the bottom of the hill that leads into Emmett, and it shut down the road into Emmett for 4 hours during 5 o'clock traffic. This crash happened to be fatal.  Here is a link to the news article about the crash: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwil6ZSB-NneAhWyGTQIHSrAATkQzPwBegQIARAC&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.idahopress.com%2Femmett%2Fnews%2Femmett-man-dies-in-crash-near-bottom-of-freezeout-hill%2Farticle_65aa8d3b-802a-5e45-8c81-dcc5340a8734.html&psig=AOvVaw2ut-DGVSgUnRp6vWJYFRWo&ust=1542492910303588 The moral of the story is this: no place, no appointment, no person is important enough to run the risk of killing yourself or someone else behind the wheel. Pay attention, stay off your phone, and go the speed limit! Do not drive impaired, and this includes being too tired or intoxicated. With the winter months coming, leave your house early and drive slowly and carefully. If you feel like you are experiencing highway hypnosis, pull over and stretch your legs! Be safe, friends ❤️

maryjanewhatsername

maryjanewhatsername

 

Feeling Trapped

Lately, I have felt like I am trapped in a rut. I have been working my ass off 24/7, and then when I'm not at work, I am cleaning the house or running errands or asleep. I hardly get a chance to just breathe and relax. When I do get a small chance, I'm so pressured by my own desire to do everything I like to do that I once again feel rushed.  So, I have decided that everyday I need to take at least 1 hour a day to just decompress and relax. I figured I would share some of my relaxation techniques.  Warm Shower or Bath I always make sure I take a nice, hot shower or bath to just have some time alone. The warmth and the steam opens up pores and cleanses the skin. Not only that, but just being in a hot shower or bath is flat out the best. It feels so good to just be resting my muscles.  Eating a Good Meal Having a full stomach after eating something delicious makes me feel happy. Being a hoe for a good meal is not the only reason - it releases endorphins and actually makes you happy!  Watching a Good Show or Doing a Relaxing Hobby I like to watch my YouTube shows, play video games, and writing. Doing a small, fun activity can really be relaxing and helps me de-stress.  Going to Bed Early Getting a good night's rest of at least 10 hours allows your body to go into full REM sleep. This helps your mind and body "reset" for the next day. This is something many people neglect. Sleep is one of the most important things to do, so it's best to just set any differences aside and get a good night's rest.    Hope this helps, and I hope you all don't feel as stuck as I do ❤️

maryjanewhatsername

maryjanewhatsername

 

Green Day: Religious Influences in Music

So, I've noticed in a lot of Green Day's music they mention/reference religion. This can be seen in American Idiot with songs like "St. Jimmy" and "Jesus of Suburbia," being some of the obvious ones.  In 21st Century Breakdown, almost every song mentions religion in the form of saints, Christians, and religious figures. In an interview with Bill Maher (I know he's not in the best standing, but the interview is still a good one) right after the release of 21CB Billie talks about religion and how his mother's religious views impacted his life and songwriting. Here's the link: Enjoy! Please let me know what you think. 

maryjanewhatsername

maryjanewhatsername

 

Frustration with My Boss

This could be in the work thread or something, but hell - the post would be annoyingly long so here it goes in the blog. *just to preface and so we get a lil back story going on here, I work at a pizza place in town with my momma, she's our manager and I'm the assistant manager* Okay, so Sunday the owner of our franchise comes out to our tiny town and our tiny store and pulls my mom into the back party room to sit and chat. They're back there for about 20 minutes before they come out and ask me to join them.  First thought? "oh, fuck, I'm getting fired"  Soo my boss looks at my mom and is like "you tell her" and they do the "no you tell her" thing a couple times before they approach me about moving my mom to a busier store to co-manage, and promoting me in my current store. I was shocked and a little petrified but accepted the offer.  Moved my days off, and so I had the next day off (yesterday). I panicked all night, worrying and wrapping my head around it. Busted out a new schedule to bring with me, and I was mentally prepared for a new challenge.  This morning I get a phone call - everything is back to normal, I am no longer promoted. And I need to get my ass out of bed and get to work. And I also get my other two days off this week.  So not only am I royally fucked out of a promotion for no apparent reason, but I also lost 10 hours on this next paycheck, on the last day of the pay period. <<fuck my life>> So it's been a frustrating, heartbreaking last 48 hours. I ended up working a 16 hour open to close shift today because our closer called in, and I feel as though I'm just not good enough to be manager (although I was assured it was because of the other store involved and had nothing to do with me).  So that's my world right now. Back to normal, just an assistant manager. 
 

Advice About Exes and Past Relationships

**PERSONAL AND GUSHY ADVICEY POST** Okay, so in my short 20 years of life I have had my fair share of relationships. Most of them short-lived and uneventful, as most high school relationships go. But, that doesn't mean that relationships (high school or not) don't hurt when they end.  I've kind of taught myself little things that help me when relationships go sour (even platonic or familial relationships!) so I don't completely break down or lose myself.  This Person Doesn't Owe Me Anything  A real problem with ending relationships is feeling the desperate need to have that person in your life still and feeling dictated by it. I always tell myself, if this person doesn't owe me money or something of that sort, they don't owe me anything and therefore have no purpose in being in my life. Helps me move on real quick. (got this little tip from @stephaniebrite on Instagram.) Just Because This Person Is No Longer in My Life, It Doesn't Mean I am Unlovable  One of my biggest failings as an individual is placing my self worth and my personal definition of myself in the hands of others. When someone rejects me or pushes me aside, it can have a huge impact on my self esteem. That's when I remind myself that one person's opinion of me is not the true definition of who I am. Their disinterest in me does not make me less valuable, less special, or less loved. I think this is something crucial to remind yourself when going through a rough breakup.  All Things Happen For a Reason Yes, this is cliche as all get out. But it is true! Whether you believe in fate or not, logic dictates all actions and decisions are made with some sort of reasoning. If a relationship ends, it simply means that you and that person are just not meant to mingle. Sometimes letting go is a good thing!  I Can Be Me Without Them In life there will always be at least ONE relationship - romantic or otherwise - that's end will bring you to your knees and question even life itself. That is when it is crucial to surround yourself with a supportive network of people in your life - family, friends, therapists, doctors, coworkers, etc. It's also a great time to reflect on your life, before and after this person was in it. You were you at one point before them, right? Well, you're still you! This really helped me when my dad abandoned me. It helped me remind myself that being fatherless didn't mean I was helpless.  I Can Still Love Them and Not Live With Them  My mom's best friend married and divorced the same man 3 different times. I asked my mom why she kept marrying him and my mom told me this amazing tidbit of advice that has stuck with me: "Sometimes you can love someone with all your heart, but you just can't live with them." That has stuck with me. Moving on doesn't necessarily mean the love or feelings disappear, it just means you understand them and yourself better.  I hope some of this helps someone, it also helps get these things off my chest! 
 

My Medical Life (It's Super Fucked)

So I ended up going to the doctor's office to make sure all of my prescriptions are in order and basically an annual check-up, and I told him about my severe migraines I've been getting for the last 6 months or so. About 3 to 4 times a week, I get debilitating migraines that sometimes make it so I can't see, sometimes I throw up, and other times I get so dizzy I can hardly walk. So he prescribed me a brand new medication (and I mean this thing is brand spanking new out of the factory type thing, not many trials or anything on it). It is called Ajovy (fremanezumab-vrfm) and it is a preventative measurement for people with severe migraines. The good news is it has far fewer side affects than many migraine medications. The bad part? It's a once a month injectable - I have to inject myself. So I injected it for the first time today (it goes into fatty areas of the body and since I'm a bone rack I had to squish my tummy and inject it there). Now we hope that it helps - and if I do get a migraine, I have Imitrex to get rid of it. So that is one fraction of what's wrong with me medically (yay!)
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