First off, hello GDC blog! Wow! It has been a long time, and I don't know where I've been. Even if I'm not really active posting or anything, I usually come on GDC like five times a day to browse and lurk. I don't feel very involved in this community but I think that's just because I don't really know how to go about going from posting to friendship - it's weird, but I like it here. It's a cool place.
I'm writing this blog post to sort of get all my thoughts out of my head. As you've probably sussed out from the title, my dog passed away today. This is always a sad event, and a lot of my sadness is coming from the fact about how generic this whole event feels. You're a kid. You get a dog, you love him. You grow up. He dies. You start a family. You have kids. You buy your kids a dog, they love him. They grow up. He dies. It's a vicious cycle and one that we're not really committing to when we first buy a pet - because we're blinded by how cute they are. But it really isn't a generic experience for us all, it's human and individual. Dogs aren't clones. They all have personalities that mix and match, and suit different people. Moe was a little dog, he was goofy and lazy, and he liked to spend most of his time going from one extreme to the other - lazing around or chasing his tail until he bonked his head on the table and had to take a break. He also loved other dogs, way more than most dogs loved him. He would bark at strangers, but not for very long or for any malicious reasons. He loved attention.
I don't know how well I'm handling this. I've stopped crying for a bit, so maybe that's good, but I know when I wake up it will feel even worse. It probably won't ever go away, the pain of losing someone you love, animal or human. And I'm ready to accept that. I just want things to be normal. I don't want to let this break me down and defeat me, I want this to propel me to do something about it. I wanna use my time constructively, I want to write songs and poems for Moe, create art that I'm sure he'd enjoy if he gave the slightest fuck about art. I want to work on my writing, and I want to be something that little dude wouldn't feel embarrassed about. He didn't die in vain, he lived a great life and we made sure it was as comfortable as possible. Moe always had a struggle, immediately he was diagnosed with a severe form of epilepsy and was on two, sometimes three, medications a day. His insides had effectively rotted away, and he lost control of his bowels. Speaking objectively, it is no way to go about being propped up by pills and laying in your own piss, too weak to get out of it. Putting a suffering animal down is very hard on the family, but easily the most humane solution to the problem. I'm glad he's free, of all those pills, of all the suffering he had to go through. No more seizures, no more embarrassing accidents. But it's hard not to be selfish. No more pets, no more floppy ears running to greet me after home, and no more excited yelps when he wants to jump up on my bed to take a nap. I'll have to take the bad with the good, and I guess he's in a better place. I don't really believe in heaven, for dogs or humans, but one of my best friend's simply messaged me that he was sorry and that all dogs go to heaven. That was very nice, so I felt it an appropriate title.
I'm not exactly sure what the purpose of this is, I just felt like talking about him. To anybody who has lost a family member, I mean a human being, I am truly sorry for your loss and I cannot begin to imagine the pain you feel. I would never wish the pain of losing my dog on anybody, so I hope I don't offend anybody. Experience with death is not something I have a lot of, especially with things super close to me. It just hasn't really happened until now, so I have to speak from my personal point of view. He wasn't just a dog, and I'm sure anybody with a dog can tell you this. To anybody who has lost a pet recently or ten years ago, I am so sorry for your loss, and I am sure they loved you just as much as Moe loved me. They are wonderful things, aren't they? They bring people closer together, help teach them lessons when they're growing up. Lessons that can't be replicated into any specific language, lessons that are little and sometimes stick in the back of your mind. How to be patient and wait. How to help those who need it. How to handle your time effectively. I am truly blessed to have had known my dog. He brought my father and mother and I closer together, and he was always so nice. I'm gonna miss him, and it'll be sad, but I know soon I will be happy. I'll be happy just to be able to say that he was my dog, and even when I'm crying my eyes out these next few months it won't be all negative. I've struggled with depression my entire life, and I've learned a lot of things about how I act and react. The outlook needs to be positive for any results to be positive. I won't sulk out, Moe. I'll remember you fondly and even though now I'm crying and I wish you were here, I'm jealous of you. Your time on this Earth was so fantastic! You helped me out more than I can ever thank you for. And I hope someday I can start my own family, and show my own kids the love and beautiful thing that having a dog really is. But they'll never be you, buddy. I just hope I can show any future pets, my family, any future friends, everyone, as much love as you showed me. I love you.
Rest in Peace
Maurice "Mojo" Joseph MacNeil
2005 - 2015
"Make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life"