A few weekends ago I stumbled upon a really cool neighborhood in Hamburg that's basically the punk leftist heartland. There's cute little shops, cool restaurants and street art everywhere. I fell in love instantly. If I could choose anywhere to live, it would probably there. In the first two pictures there were a few people watching a footballame in front of a bar. The second picture honestly isn't that good but I had to take it secretly because I loved his vest. I was kicking myself for not telling him that and later after exploring the neighborhood I was sitting in the train and fantasizing about complimenting him, and just in this moment he walked past my window at the station, and yet I never saw his face.
I also randomly saw a feminist protest in the city which I immediately joined. I haven't been to any protest in so long (not because I don't want to go, but because I never know when there are protests in the city). It ended in front of the coolest building I've ever seen. It's called the Rote Flora (the red flora) and it's an old theater that's been occupied by leftists since the late 80s.
I spend a lot of my free time walking around in the city taking photos. Which is only the weekends because it's already dark when I get off work Stupid winter. Here's a portion! I will post more within the next week or so
Gosh, this title is so corny but oh well, it fits.
It's been pretty much exactly two weeks now since I quite spontaneously packed my bags and moved my ass north-bound from Frankfurt to Hamburg. For those who don't know, I've been offered a 2 month internship in the communications devision of Greenpeace Germany. I had applied for it back in April and heard nothing back until late August when they promised one of their employees would get back to me when he returned from his vacation. It was a pretty long vacation apparently, because he emailed me in mid to late October - which was only one or two weeks from November, when I was supposed to start.
On the next morning I had a Skype interview with him, his co-worker and another woman. He had told me previously that it was just a "get to know each other talk", but then it turned out to be one of the worst job interview grilling's I've ever had. The other worst one was with a small agency right here in Frankfurt, who had also insisted that it was not an interview, but behaved just like it was. That's the thing both of them had in common and I feel like sometimes (possible) employers don't quite understand the amount of stress the interviewee is under and saying things like "take it easy" doesn't make it easier if they have no intention of making it easier for you except saying that the sky is green instead of blue.
I came out of it with a pretty bad feeling and felt very low and hopeless over the weekend, thinking that they wouldn't take me because I blew the interview and made a bad impression. I was thinking I would never find a job if I couldn't even find a goddamn internship and I was questioning my entire life. Then on Monday, they told me that I got the job and then everything went very quickly. I wouldn't get paid, but they would give me a spot in the intern apartment in Hamburg that I would share with like 9 other interns. I was excited of course, but I couldn't really look forward to it because even though I said I accepted the position, so many things were still unsure. They didn't know if I would be able to get a place in the apartment at first because it was so spontaneous and then I would have to look for a room myself - which I would never be able to do within a week, and so I wasn't sure I would be able to go at all, up until a few days before my departure. Needless to say though, they had a free bed in the apartment for me, but that didn't keep my anxiety from completely blowing through the roof. Good old me who usually has a hard time befriending people and being social, who's too insecure to apply for a side job and has never lived alone would move to the big city at the other end of the country all by herself, she would immediately meet tons of new people and start a new job. I was actually close to backing out of it, but the main reason for me to come here was that I needed experience to apply for other jobs in the future and that it would probably look extremely good on my resume.
Cut to two and a half weeks later and I'm sitting in the living room, listening to Bang Bang on the stereo and my roommate with whom I just talked about activism and music just went to bed, and I'm alone here. I spent the evening at the university and finally figured out a way to use their wifi to catch up on two episodes of the Punisher on Netflix and downloaded tons of episodes of Skins and two movies, including Mean Girls for me to watch here in the apartment when I'm bored in the evening and don't feel like socializing. I've had two weeks of internet detox, since there's no wifi at all in the apartment and I've been having a hard time finding public hotspots until I just started spending too much money at Starbucks to use their internet. The second blue light flashing ambulance/police car in the past hour has passed by the window, as they do every evening in this part of the city, even though I've never had a bad experience here since I'm here. I'm guessing Hamburg is rather safe in comparison to where I'm from and I have no fear walking around at night by myself. Or maybe I'm just naive.
Hamburg is a wonderful city, and I gotta say, I didn't know big cities could be this beautiful. Frankfurt is the standard for me and I really don't like to linger there, but this city really is something else. I love living so close to water in general, that's something I'm missing from home. You see old buildings everywhere, and you can tell that they are making an effort to make the city look nice. For every pigeon there's at least three seagulls screaming and flying over your head and fighting for abandoned breadcrumbs, there's really not a lot of cars here because the towns are really cyclist-friendly and the public transport is excellent. There's a bus leaving and arriving every couple of minutes from a bus stop 5 minutes from my apartment and you can get everywhere by train or bus + short walks. I've been making a point of going out on weekends to see the city and take pictures, even in bad weather, because it's always dark when I leave work. I've stayed at "home" only once since I'm here and I can honestly say I feel great about it.
I'm in a really good place mentally in general. I'm going to bed at a reasonable hour (always before midnight, sometimes 10 or 11), I'm waking up early and leave the house to get shit done and learn things and get experience. I'm not saying I'm cured of everything, I still have my PD/depression/anxiety moments when I don't talk to anyone and don't leave my room because I don't feel like talking. But the depression is really keeping it's distance from my mind, now that I'm actually doing something and not just rotting away at home. My flatmates are nice mostly, and so is my roommate. Sometimes they are annoying the shit out of me, sometimes we all share a laugh over tea, but I'm guessing that's to be expected when you live in a tight space with strangers. I'm pretty sure I've been annoying them too, for example when I didn't clean the kitchen fast enough for them. (I was gonna fucking do it this week, no need to passive-aggressively do it yourself while I'm at work all day.)
I've had multiple people complimenting my music taste ("Green Day is cool") and my name ("Your name is Justine?! What kind of fucking amazing name is that?!") in the apartment and at work, so I guess I came to the right place here. Most of them have their hearts in the right place and especially at work everyone has been really nice to me. I spent the first whole week of my internship doing nothing but sitting in meetings and conferences, reading up on coal and combustion engines and running around to IT because I kept having problems with my laptop and Photoshop - but they're really cool guys so I enjoyed showing up there. Some people are downright intimidating (albeit nice and greeting me with fistbumps and 'what's up Justine', but pronouncing it wrongly) but those people seem to be the geniuses of this organization. The meetings are incredibly interesting and incredibly top-secret, which makes me feel incredibly fortunate to be able to be a part of it. After a couple of weeks I can somewhat work independently, and sometimes I feel stupid asking if they have got any work for me, but I guess that's just the life of an intern. Compared to other interns I have a lot to do though.
My daily tasks mainly consist of monitoring twitter to see how people respond to Greenpeace, choosing pictures and writing posts for Instagram, cross marketing videos and podcasts and events on Instagram stories, and draft tweets, and correspond with other teammates. My supervisors have been liking my stuff this far and said that I was a huge help, which makes me feel fantastic. I'm getting less awkward around the people there too, which is a huge relief. I'm still meeting so many new people everyday and often forget their names right after they've introduced themselves to me. The highlight this week was me being allowed to tweet something snarky to the German equivalent of the Daily Show whose twitter's only purpose is throwing shade at absolutely everyone (and who I'm a big fan of for exactly that reason).
I feel like I'm doing exactly what I'm good at here and it's also good to get positive attention from my classmates and old acquaintances who message me with things like "omg you're at greenpeace!?!?!" lol.
It's already pretty late, so I guess I'll make the cut here and post this without proofreading cause I'm tired as shit so forgive me.
I thought now would be a good time to tell ya'll about the wonderful time my favorite best friend from Sweden, @I don't care, and I had exactly two months ago when she visited me in Germany.
Everything started about 10 months ago, when we met in the GDC chatroom (that small one on the bottom right corner of your window that <1% of you use) and realized that we were soulmates who just happened to roast ourselves into each other's hearts on an online forum of our favorite band. Our friendship blossomed as quickly as you can say "Billie Hoe and I don't care for Best Board Buddies" and soon enough we fantasized about how we would meet for the first time. Once we came kinda close with the Pinkpop festival both of us wanted to attend (meet my soulmate and go to a Green Day concert together at the same time? Uhh, goals?), but when that didn't work out we made due by skyping for hours on end day after day.
Then her parents (God bless them) finally made it happen and booked tickets for the second week of August (when my own parents conveniently left the country so we had my place pretty much to ourselves). After a few weeks of "okay cool" and not fully grasping the reality that we were actually going to meet, I was on the edge of freaking out when I went to pick her (and her parents) up from the airport. I spent an hour or so pacing around nervously in the arrival hall at the terminal, right at the gate where she was supposed to come out with her luggage. Thanks to @Jenn. and @Shahd (aka. Nicest!) who kept me company on WhatsApp, I didn't completely lose my mind. It was just a mess - Agnes and I kept messaging each other about their progress (she sent me picture and video updates of how her plane landed and on her way into the terminal, etc.), yelling at each other via texts about how excited we were.
I kept peeking through the gate to the hall where they picked up their luggage, but I didn't see her despite her very colorful hair. Then she sent me a picture of a gate that looked a lot like the one I was waiting at, where she was supposed to come out, saying "IS THIS WHERE YOU ARE?" and I went "YES!" and she said "OKAY, I'M RUNNING ONCE I GET MY SUITCASE". I waited peeking through the gate to catch this girl running, but I never did. Instead I saw her mother whom I recognized from her Facebook picture (yes, I befriended her mother on Facebook because of reasons) and her dad calmly strolling through the gate. But where the fuck was Agnes? Turns out she ran out of the wrong fucking gate. Her mother told me where she would be and pointed her out like 30 meters away from us (??? I'm terrible at estimating), carrying her guitar case on her back and looking down on her phone. I started jogging towards her but tried to be as quiet and inconspicuous about it as possible, praying that she wouldn't look up from her phone and see me, and then I tackled her and THUS OUR FIRST EVER HUG CAME TO BE. We hugged so tightly like I haven't hugged anyone ever, and she petted my "red head" (which I had re-dyed JUST FOR HER) because she promised to do so on WhatsApp weeks before.
1) our first ever selfie together with awesome band shirts, made a few moments after our first hug / my tackle
It's still a bit weird (good weird) when I think about it, because I remembered adding her on Instagram and seeing how she looked like, her Snapchat videos and pictures she sent me (like, definitely not a Catfish, I learned from Nev and Max), but then all of a sudden she was standing right before me and I was holding her and we were taking pictures together. I have never met any online friend I've made since I'm on the internet in real life, with some of whom I've been friends for years. I guess it's never really been real-real because the internet is a different, more anonymous place, but now it's definitely real. On the internet you can portray yourself how you want people to see you, you only send them the pictures where you like yourself, but you have no control over that when you actually meet someone for real. They see you from all the bad angles, they see how you look when you eat or sleep. I guess I was a bit anxious to meet her because, fuck, what if she doesn't like who I *actually* am? What if we have to spend a week together and then not click, despite having had conversations that lasted several hours on the phone? What if it's gonna be awkward and we won't have anything to talk about? Is she gonna be sick of me when she's around me for 24 hours straight? I have also told her more about me than I have ever told anyone I know (not even my other best friend whom I've known since kindergarten), and I trust her, and suddenly she's ... there, right in front of me and I can hug her for real, as I've wanted to do so many times.
Well, I'm happy to say that my anxieties were unjustified. At least I think so, she definitely seemed like she liked me and we're still talking, so that's that. And I can confirm that she is indeed fucking awesome. It's impossible to feel awkward around her because she's such an outgoing and open and talkative and simply un-awkward person, she even managed to engage my brother who never talks to my friends in a conversation.
After I met with her and her parents at the airport, they took us into the center of Frankfurt in their rental (while blasting Rammstein, hell yah, now I know where she gets her greatness from) and we spent the day sightseeing in the city, shopping (more like entering way too expensive stores, trying on things, and leaving), Starbucks, sitting by the river in the sun and just openly talking about everything.
2) by the Main river
3) happy times at Starbucks (not sponsored)
After overlooking Frankfurt (or Mainhattan as some locals are calling it) from the top of a skyscraper (it's called Main Tower if you're ever interested in visiting Frankfurt) we met up again with her parents at a restaurant, and on the way there a kind of funny thing happened that is really telling about cultural differences. We were about to cross a four lane street (which are usually busy since we were in the middle of the banking area where lots of people work, but when we were there not so much), and she just crossed it without waiting for the little man to turn green, leaving me and about ten other people on both sides waiting at the red traffic light and laughing at me from the other side. I'm told that apparently waiting at a red traffic light when there's no traffic is a "typically German" thing to do, but she, a Swede who just doesn't give a fuck, just crosses it.
Another funny thing I noticed is that people you meet in the streets or shops are much nicer to you and more open when you're a "tourist" who speaks English. I accidentally talked to people in English instead of German all the time since I was so used to talking to Agnes in English, and suddenly the clerks were so helpful. So I guess my advice would be, if you can speak English, don't bother trying broken German you might have learned before your trip if you want something. I've lived here for so many years and after spending one day with her I learn so many new things about my own country.
Then we drove back to her hotel which coincidentally was in a small town next to mine and only one bus stop from mine away, and spent an hour in their ridiculously luxurious hotel room before I had to take the bus home. She whipped out her guitar and started playing it on the bed not very quietly, and while that was VERY NICE!!!, I kept thinking "oh my god, this is too loud, it's in the middle of the night, what if the other guests wake up, but oh my god, I don't want to be rude and tell her to quiet it down, and also it sounds so beautiful and I don't want her to stop." Another difference between us: in Sweden she lives in this huge house where she can be as loud as she wants, but I grew in an apartment with five old neighbors who would complain about any loud noise. It was refreshing actually, and she showed me (who has no musical talent whatsoever) a chord, which is pretty sick. She then took me to the bus stop, which was 5 minutes away from the hotel and almost got hit by a car on her way back. THIS IS WHY WE WAIT AT TRAFFIC LIGHTS IN GERMANY! OUR DRIVERS ARE CRAZY!
On the second day her parents dropped her off at my place and I showed her my humble housing before we left for another city in the area which wasn't originally the plan, but that day was the only day I could have picked up my "If There Was Ever A Time" flexi disc from the stupid customs office before it would be shipped back to the US or I would be fined, so essentially we wasted a couple of hours picking that stupid piece of shit up. It's a good song but I've wasted way too much time and money on this thing. However, she made it worthwhile and time spent with her is never time wasted, also this really cool picture happened when we were chilling at the train station waiting for our belated train back home (welcome to Germany my friends. Welcome to Germany.).
4) Let me introduce to you, Punk Rock Chewbacca!!!
We stopped by a grocery store to get supplies for the jello shots we were looking forward to so much, because I am a very responsible adult who wanted to help her 17 year old friend get drunk, who can't get alcohol in her own country. I don't think her parents would approve of me that much if they knew I also offered to buy cigarettes in case she wanted to try it out. Hell, I know how it is as a minor who wants to try something and has to use other people to help her. Other than that though I can assure you that I am a very caring (if not overbearing) mom-friend who looks out for her friends and usually stops them from doing stupid shit. Don't be fooled by her sweet face, she's not that innocent. She has smoked before and even offered to smuggle weed for us to try out in her bra (because nobody would check there anyway, and because she's a cute, white Swedish girl they wouldn't suspect her) but we realized that probably wasn't a very good idea. I didn't want her to end up in a detention cell at the airport for the duration of her trip or anything.
Then we ordered some pizza and sat down on the balcony. You all know that there are two types of people: people who love pineapple on pizza and people who want to kill people who bring a pineapple near their pizza. I am the first and she is the second. Both of us got Margarita pizzas, but I added pineapple for MY pizza. When they delivered them, it turned out that both of them had pineapple on it. So she kept peeling the pineapple pieces off of hers with the most painful expression that I've ever seen and threw them on mine. She ate as slowly as she could and suddenly just stopped in movement with wide eyes staring into nothing and went completely silent. I asked her "are you okay?" and when she started tearing up I started freaking out, and on top of everything she still wasn't talking to me. I thought she was dying for fuck's sake, but no, that goddamn drama queen just swallowed a piece of pineapple.
Then we did the jello shots (recipe: jello powder with 1/2 water and 1/2 pure vodka) but realized, damn, all we have is shot glasses, not cups, and it would be pretty hard for us to get that jelly out of a tiny glass. So Agnes suggested "Hey, let's just put them in ice trays!" and because I'm equally stupid I said "Good idea!", and because we wanted them done extra fast, we put them in the freezer instead of the refrigerator, and then had to scoop out that icy and bitter crap out of the ice trays like barbarians. I painted Princess Victoria of Sweden on her back with water colors for the Gishwhes scavenger hunt while we were waiting and then watched some Netflix and chilled, she played Life is Strange on my computer while I played Sims on hers. It was really nice to just ... chill out at home for one evening and being lazy after all that running around and despite the fact that we didn't have much time together. You'd think we would have to make "the most of it" by constantly doing shit, but not doing that made it so much better because we were doing exactly what we would be doing if we could see each other every day.
On the next day she woke me up with her acoustic guitar and we had breakfast on the balcony. This was the day when I showed her my town, and as soon as we left the house, she stopped EVERY. SINGLE. person we saw to ask them if she could pet their dogs. It was really adorable, and most of them let her do it which was a bit surprising because not all of them understood English and some of them declined because their dogs were really shy or aggressive, but that didn't stop her to try again next time. Agnes loves dogs more than you. She did the same thing in Frankfurt on our first day too, and one time when she asked a woman who obviously didn't understand her well if she could pet her dog, she said "No, thank you" and continued on, possibly thinking we wanted to scam her or something.
5) Agnes on her quest to pet every single doggo she sees, even the artificial ones
6) she's a tree-hugging hippie
Later we took the bus to the town where I grew up and went to school in before we moved away a couple of years ago, to meet with my other best friend Rebecca, who just like Agnes is really into metal music, who can play the piano and the guitar, and also understands Swedish. If I didn't know better, I'd say I have a type. Agnes was so nervous to meet her and really wanted to make a good impression on her, so she ate an entire bowl of alcoholic jelly that was left from the previous day before we left and got herself tipsy. While she was shoveling the jelly in, we were talking to the lovely @Jenn. on the phone who enchanted us with her lovely Irish accent (Accept yer faet, Jenn)
After fleeing from a roughly 200 year old US army veteran who uses his extremely bad eyesight as an excuse to come uncomfortably close to you to, as he would say in his thick American accent, "see the ladies better", we met with Rebecca, and not-surprisingly they got along really really well - we spent the evening sitting on a bench in the dark and Agnes played Rebecca's guitar and sang a beautiful Swedish song with her beautiful voice. I recorded it and I desperately wanna show you all, but it got lost somewhere on my phone, but I assure you, it's magical
Sadly that was also the last evening we spent together, because they already departed on the next day We got to spend a few final hours in Frankfurt together and had lunch but then we drove to the airport together and hugged for the last time. It was pretty sad because we wouldn't see each other again for a while, but I am hell bent on visiting her in New York when she moves there and see and hug her again💖 I'm so incredibly happy and grateful that we got this chance, not only to the universe and her parents, but to Green Day and this forum without whom this never would have happened. 💖
Okay, since @I don't care posted her beautiful lyrics in her blog, I have to hold up my end of the deal and tell you about the Twilight fanfiction me and my best friend wrote a few years ago.
A girl called Mel Ann Choly lives with her father Brock Choly in a small town called Knifes. Her mother Phyll A. Delfia remarried and lives together with the gunslinger René Gade. Mel is deep and very sad and her eyes are tragically beautiful. Whenever she's especially sad she visits the zoo to feed the penguins with Kinder Pingui. Little does she know that these penguins aren't just regular penguins - they'e werepenguins. Every day they turn into humanoids. One of them is Roman Tic, her love interest with oily, shining astral body. He lives in his compound with his parents Ben Evolent and Emme Pathy who adopted him as a wee baby penguin, his brothers Hugh Jabs, who is very strong, and Al Loan, who is a loner, and his sisters Elle Gance, who's a pretty penguin with eyelashes, and Fortuna Teller who knows exactly when the feeding times are. Mel and Roman are star crossed lovers, they simply cannot be. Because beastiality is illegal. Mel's classmate, Fred Zone, is in love with her and very jealous of her destined penguin so he and his friend Barbara "Barbie" Gal make it their mission to make Roman's life hell. Roman becomes fed up with his life and decides to end his life by stealing the infamous Emperor Penguins' (Agatha Power, Mel Efficient and Arro Gance) snacks.
That's not the complete fanfiction but a rough draft of the plot. We did this years ago and it's actually funnier than I make it sound. It got lost on someone's drive years ago and the only thing I had was the names and the .. well, rough plot. I regret telling @I don't care about it in a moment of weakness, I should have known better. Of course she would use it against me.
Fuck you Agnes.
You killed Mufasa and my street cred. RIP in peace.
This semester in our Photography class we had to photograph our Campus and how we personally see it. I chose the topic Illegal Arts and photographed all the small messages I could find around the campus I'm still not exactly sure how to operate a camera because my professor sucked at teaching us, but I like them.
#1 - "Don't validate me."
#2 - "No Human is Illegal"
#3 - "Color in a Dark Place"
#4 - "Morons of the Underground"
#5 - "#Onkomm Goes Trashcan"
#6 - "That Only Just Made Sense in My Head"
#7 - "You can be a nazi, but then you're simply shit."
#8 - "Helpful Advice"
#9 - "Done For Today"
#10 - "The World Owes Me"
#11 - "Fuck"
#12 - "Irresistible Curiosity"
I just stumbled upon this short video on Facebook and was completely floored by it and just... holy shit man. I don't know if this has been posted here before, since the video is four days old. I wasn't sure whether this warranted its own thread or not, but I wanted it to be here. So I made a blog post about it.
Please watch the video. Watch it twice.
Description: As the school year winds down, one student finds himself starting an unexpected relationship.
It's now 3 in the morning and instead of sleeping, like I promised myself I would do, I'm listening to the 21st Century Breakdown album and having emotions (ew right?). I literally got out of bed to grab my phone and spent way too much time trying to figure out how to create a damn blog post on mobile. A decision I will probably regret in the morning, because tired-out-me behaves scarily very similar to drunk-me.
I was trying to stop myself from googling the leak, even thought about how useful a straight jacket would be now. So I was listening to Stop Drop and Roll for the first time ever, to distract myself, and when that album was over I thought "why not listen to Peacemaker... 10 times in a row" because why the fuck not. When that was done, I started over and listened to the album from the beginning and was hit by nostalgia like a fucking cargo train at full speed.
I started liking Green Day in 2007 or 2008, so before 21st CB was released, when I occasionally heard Boulevard of Broken Dreams or Wake Me Up When September Ends (I can't believe I didn't just abbreviate it) on the radio or when we sang those songs in our music lessons at school. I still remember how a classmate brought the album to school and I thought "what a stupid teacher's pet ass kisser nerd", but secretly fancied the idea of Green Day sitting in my classroom while we sang their songs.
That's when the infamous 7th grade emo phase began. Since I was an insufferable copycat back then (not much has changed though... I'm still insufferable but I'm original and insufferable!), I did everything my cousin did, who did everything her cousin did. So all three of us started wearing black, dyeing our hair, wearing converse, using eyeliner, black nail polish and cutting our bangs ourselves because no decent hairdresser wanted to tarnish our hair like that. And obsessing over Green Day. Because they were emo, obviously. Duh, they wear all black and guyliner. Thus we became the three little emo brats of the family (with her cousin being the emo leader, our supreme). We talked about Green Day the entire time, even though we knew absolutely nothing about them. I mean it. I only figured out years later that pre-American-Idiot-Green Day existed, when I accidentaly stumbled upon Warning on YouTube and thought "oh neat, a new song!"
I couldn't buy the album back then, so I downloaded each song from AI from some sketchy website to gift it as a CD to my cousin for New Year's. I think Extraordinary Girl was on there twice because I was stupid and couldn't tell the difference between two songs.
Then came the time 21st Century Breakdown was released, and my slow descend from "casual wannabe fan" to "hardcore fanatic" began... my cousin had stopped listening to them, and so had I. But then in the middle of their tour an acquaintance from school told me about how she saw them in Cologne and I was like... damn, remember when you liked Green Day? And I was back on the Green Day track and got 21st CB and Kerplunk for Christmas. I listened to that album every day on my way to school and begged my mother to let me go to their concert, but she wouldn't let me because I was only 14 or 15. My brother also kinda liked Green Day, but not as obsessively as I did and wouldn't go with me.
Green Day had started to become a really big part of my life. When I was 16 I had started to discover myself (ugh that sounds dirty) and began to question things, my religious upbringing for example. Back then my parents dragged me to church every Sunday, which I was never a fan of. But mostly because I'm the biggest slugabed there is and hated getting up early on Sunday mornings just to sit through an hour of a boring mass. But when I thought about everything the church stood for, I realised that I didn't want to be part of it. I thought that if I just broke to my parents that I didn't want to go to church anymore or go to confirmation, it would be fine. But I was wrong and my parents, two very conservative catholics, wouldn't have that. They still dragged me to church every Sunday and fought a real war with me every week. The tension in our family was so incredibly high and my siblings blamed it on me and my stubbornness. I should just suck it up and do it for my parents.
After some time they forbid me to see my best friend because she was a bad influence on me (they overheard us discussing religion once), became aggressive and threatened to kick me out if I kept refusing to go to my confirmation. I even looked up shelters who picked up teenagers and made a plan to run away from home, after a panic attack when I got the letter from our church. I thought I would be homeless soon.
I was listening to East Jesus Nowhere very day on our way to church and back, it was like a mantra. It kept me sane and gave me so much strength, that there was somebody out there who understood how I felt about religion and I was not in fact crazy for my beliefs. Hanging the lyrics on my wall was my own little way of rebellion and I felt so incredibly pleased with myself when I showed the song to my mum and she told me she liked it. I didn't answer her when she asked me what it was about, because she doesn't speak English, just felt really accomplished that I made her like a song about religious criticism.
Things got better eventually, but now I lie here and think "well, what if Green Day didn't exist? Or what if that girl from school never told me about the concert, resulting in me never finding back my interest in Green Day?" What if there is a parallel universe, some hellish dystopia, where I had to go through all of that shit without Green Day keeping me sane?
Not only do I believe I would be a completely different person without Green Day than I am now, I think I would have also clocked out long ago. Green Day made my life better in so many ways - only because of them did I start talking to one of my best friends, who lives in England, 4 years ago. I've met so many great people because of our common feature being our love for this stupid band who thought it was a good idea to call themselves Green Day. My life would be so boring without them.
I've been writing this for two straight hours now and the time to the new single release inches closer and closer... I am way too anxious to sleep. My brain just can't seem to fully realize what is going to happen in a few hours. This is honestly so surreal. At this point it's hard to imagine what else they could do and what else is going to come with the new era. I can't wait...
So, a classmate of mine has become a bit problematic recently... (and I say classmate because I'm not sure I can call her a friend anymore.)
I'm no fan of hers anyway since she showed some homophobic tendencies ever since I started to talk to her this semester, which has really bothered me and another friend who is bi, but it was really mild and I thought "meh, she's Russian. what do I expect? she was probably raised this way". But she didn't do shit to help us during our group project and will probably still get a good grade. I often contemplated talking to our professor about her lazy behavior but I never never had the heart to go behind her back, so I didn't. After our group presentation (which went marvelous by the way) we planned to take her to the side and talk to her that we didn't want to do group projects with her anymore. I left before I got the chance (I carpool with another classmate to uni), so I don't know if my other two friends talked to her. Later I got the message: "Oh, you left so soon, I didn't even get the chance to give you your goodbye present! The other girls already got theirs, I will give it to you next week!" And suddenly I really felt bad and thought "she's so nice. i just can't bring myself to tell her she's a terrible group member." So things have remained friendly and I had no plans to change it.
Well, yesterday Germany played against Italy in the Euro Cup and everyone, including me, absolutely went nuts (there were cars honking and fireworks in the sky until three hours later), but then I receive a message from her, a white girl, saying: "A n**** just stole my flag on our way to the car "
I was completely shell shocked by that comment because I never expected anyone I know to be so blatantly racist and to never once think "this might not be a wise thing to say".
When I called her out on it, calmly (but disappointed) saying that that's incredibly racist and that you should never say that no matter how angry you are, she actually defended herself by saying that stealing a flag is stupid too! :/ Which obviously set me off because I couldn't believe she was justifying a racist slur because someone stole a flag she can buy for 2 euros in the next corner store. And then she has the audacity to tell me "fuck racism, that guy just ruined my good mood", when I angrily call her out on it. On top of that, she made a Facebook post saying: "a black man just stole my flag" and actually felt the need to emphasize that it was indeed a BLACK MAN who stole her flag which just proves that she felt her prejudices were confirmed.
She wasn't even acting like she was sorry for her comment. She actually believed that she was being wronged here.
When I started telling her how incredibly disappointed I was, that I expected more of her and that her lack of insight on top of the racism says a lot about her character, she started making excuses like "I wasn't thinking" and "I was drunk, alcohol does bad things to people", which is just plain bullshit. Alcohol loosens your tongue and makes you lose your inhibitions, but it doesn't turn your value system upside down. I've been more than drunk several times before and I never acted like this. She added that it's "forbidden in Germany", which it isn't, it's just common sense, "and not the whole world" and that she didn't know it was such a taboo in this country, because there is no racism in Russia, it's an USA thing. She then started making apologies because she suddenly realised I was being serious about cutting her off. Her apologies were so hollow and I didn't believe it for one second and she got really desperate, saying she was ashamed and anything.
I didn't feel bad about it at all, because I don't need friends in my life who are racist and refuse to take responsibility. But I'm also angry at my two other friends who didn't say anything the entire time the fight was going on, even though I know they were just as annoyed with her as I was. Now they're acting like nothing happened (literally my friend just asked something completely unrelated), and I'm the bad guy. I approached the problem and dealt with it, so they didn't have to and now they're safe and can continue being friends with her, while I'm the evil wrangler.
Now I'm a bit conflicted, maybe I was acting too harsh by trying to cut her out of my life and think maybe I should give her a second chance, even though her attempts at remorse were pathetic and she should know better, since ignorance is really no excuse anymore in 2016. Maybe she's learning now though.
[all text messages in spoiler]
I'm sorry, I don't have the energy or the nerves to translate my thoughts into English. But I need this out of my system.
Ich will nicht mehr, ich will nicht mehr, ich will nicht mehr, ich will nicht mehr, ich kann einfach nicht mehr.
Ich hab es satt, erwachsen zu werden. Ich habe es satt, weiterhin Teil dieser Welt zu sein. Ich habe es satt, mich diesem System zu beugen, in das ich hineingeboren wurde, ohne darum gebeten zu haben. Mit jedem Tag und mit jeder Minute, die vergeht, wird dieses Loch in meiner Brust zusammen mit der Frage nach dem “Wofür lebe ich eigentlich?” immer größer - und gleichzeitig unbedeutender.
Die Taubheit, Gleichgültigkeit und Motivationslosigkeit nimmt langsam aber sicher Überhand, obwohl ich es zu unterdrücken und zu überspielen versuche, dann ich darf. nicht. aufhören. Ich muss weitermachen, weil die Leistungsgesellschaft, in der ich lebe, mir ein Ultimatum stellt. Wenn du nicht in der Lage bist, ein beitragendes Mitglied der Gesellschaft zu sein, bist du nichts wert. Weil meine Eltern mich nicht gern genug haben, dass ich bei ihnen wohnen bleiben darf, wenn ich nicht zur Uni gehe.
Mir wird alles zu viel, ich hab das Gefühl, dass ich keine einzige Prüfung bestehen werde, die Präsentationen kommen in viel zu kurzen Abständen, ich bin von Sonnenaufgang bis Sonnenuntergang in der Uni und komme abends todmüde nach Hause und fühle mich schuldig, wenn ich schlafen gehe, weil ich ja eigentlich noch etwas für die Uni erledigen müsste. Ich habe langsam den gefährlichen Punkt erreicht, an dem mir alles egal wird und dass ich mich nicht mehr genug um mich und meine Verpflichtungen kümmere. Nur um dann von allem überrannt zu werden. Ich habe ständig den Eindruck, weder schlau noch kreativ genug für das Fach zu sein, von dem ich anfangs noch so begeistert gewesen war.
Ich war der festen Überzeugung gewesen, dass das Fach das richtige für mich war, da es das einzige ist, das mich halbwegs interessiert und dessen Inhalte meinen Hobbys entsprechen. Dachte ich. Es gab einiges mehr, dass mich interessiert hat, doch dafür habe ich mich gar nicht erst beworben, denn - seien wir mal einen Moment ehrlich - ich hätte es sowieso nicht geschafft, in einem Fach wie Design oder Motion Pictures angenommen zu werden. Ich bin einfach nicht gut darin, nicht talentiert genug, um mitzuhalten oder um dem Mindestanspruch gerecht zu werden.
Ich versuche, mich dazu zu zwingen, es zu mögen, weil mir keine andere Wahl bleibt. Doch wenn ich ehrlich bin, finde ich es schrecklich. Es ist überhaupt nicht das, was ich mir vorgestellt habe und ich bin enttäuschter als je zuvor. Ich habe Angst, dass ich es nicht schaffe. Was heißt Angst, es ist mehr eine bittere Gewissheit.
Aber wenn nicht Studium, was dann? Es gibt absolut nichts, dass ich wirklich so gut kann oder das mich so sehr interessiert, dass ich es wert bin, dafür bezahlt zu werden.
Das einzige, was mir bleibt, ist wohl klar. Aber ich möchte es nicht aussprechen. Ich bin nicht der Typ Mensch, der sowas tut. Damals war ich strikt dagegen, hielt die Menschen, die diesen Ausweg wählen für selbstsüchtige Schwächlinge. Doch dieses schwarze Loch in mir, das mich nach und nach auffrisst, pflanzte diese Saat des Zweifels in meinem Hirn. “Vielleicht bist du tatsächlich nicht für dieses Leben gemacht.” Aber ich habe weitergemacht. Einfach so, weil es auch gute Tage gab. Doch diese schwinden immer mehr. Das Glück in mir wird durch Pflicht stranguliert. Die Pflicht ruft, Leben ist zweitrangig. Sei Kapitalist, leiste, sei eine der Personen, die du schon immer verabscheut hast. Schlucke deinen Stolz und ersticke an deiner Hoffnung. Gebe dein Herz und deine Seele ab.
Dieses schwarze Loch wird immer größer, genau wie der Wunsch, der Welt endlich endgültig adieu zu sagen und mich loszusagen von der Realtiät, von allem, was mich hier festhält und unglücklich macht.
Ich mag einfach nicht mehr und dennoch tu ich, weil ich muss.