This year has been a rocky one for me, hence my absence here on GDC. I still miss you all and lurk when I can. I figured I'd give you all an update if you're interested.
Ricki passed away on April 14th, and I've cried every single day since then. For those of you who don't know, Ricki was my cat who was almost twenty-two years old. He was my best friend and got me through so much in my life. To live through his legacy, I've created a non-profit to raise funds for senior pets in need of medications or medical procedures in my area. It'd mean a lot to me if you could like his Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Ricki.and.Friends/
I finally graduated University. A photo is in the Photo Thread.
I am currently working four jobs. I'm very tired.
I have recently signed up for pole fitness to build my confidence and get my old body back. I hope it goes well.
My stomach disease has really taken over my life. I was not approved for surgery, so I am taking tons of medications for that, as well as my other medical issues. My medications have made me bloat bigger than I have ever been in five years. My self confidence has been shot down, and I have resulted in self-harm as of recently. It isn't something I am proud of, but I am seeking help for this.
I applied for my Master's degree in New York to be closer to Tom.
I am also completing my licensing exam to be a social worker in New York to be closer to Tom. <3 I miss him very much every day.
Uhhh other that that I'm not sure what else to say!
Hi all. I just wanted to come on here because I haven't posted in a while!
I have been inactive online due to multiple things...here are some:
I have been incredibly ill since September 17th. I was admitted to hospital for sixteen days and am still ill. I was told everything in the book; that I'm allergic to mushrooms, that I'm pregnant, that it's more kidney issues, kidney stones (which I had before, it wasn't that pain), etc. I have a fischer on my colon which is over 2" in length and am suspected to have chronic appendicitis. I was supposed to have surgery but was sewn back up because they said the surgery would split my colon. I am still in immense pain and going to multiple appointments weekly.
I am trying to lose weight. During the past year and a half I was on a very serious steroid to help with my kidney issues. Little did we even know my appendix was causing the infections in my other organs. Now that I am off of the steroids and switched to Cipro, I have been able to lose a lot of weight Not at my old size yet but so close and I am so proud of myself! My vegan lifestyle helps a lot with that to be honest. My face feels a lot less puffy when I sleep and my pants don't feel tight anymore. <3
I have been in placement. I am in placement for a mental health agency in my city and it truly has been the best experience of my life, apart from any Green Day concert and meeting Tom. It is a lot of work but I am learning so much and really expanding on my social work skills! I hope I get hired here, it is my dream job.
Placement is 24 hours minimum a week. Classes are 10 hours a week. I work 10-20 hours at PetSmart a week, 4 hours a week with a client, and 4-8 hours a week with another client. All of my free time is used to do homework and talk to Tom and see my pets...also work out and build on my resume.
I have been applying for Master's programs.
I have been applying for graduation awards.
This week I started going out with friends again and trying to make memories.
And yeh! That's what's up with me. Mainly the two first things but I just wanted to let people know I'm not dead. I have some of you on Facebook and I love hearing from you all. I still am in love with Green Day (listening to 86 right now), and still stay updated. I am trying to improve on my mental health and physical health a lot and just want to cross that finish line to graduation! I miss you all and can't wait to be more active when I'm graduated.
Hey all! I wrote my newest article for HerCampus and it is all about Green Day! I would really appreciate it very much if you guys could check it out. If there are any errors in information, please let me know. @Todd luckily corrected a lot for me already. I got some of my info from sources that are not 100% reliable so if I could be corrected, it would be great. I also had a graduate student edit this, so I hope there are no grammatical issues.
I'm sure you all have seen my very limited posts on here. I am always reading the boards when I can, but I haven't contributed much...mainly due to busyness, but also because I've been up and down lately. I'm sure some people may not care for an update, but I am friends with many people on this site, so I just wanted to let everyone know what's up with me and what I've done while I've been less active on here.
I got into the professional years of Social Work and Disability Studies at my University! One of ninety people to be accepted, in fact.
I've been working out a ton.
I finally got my anemia stabilized to the point where I can go for my full driving test! It's tomorrow, wish me luck!
I have also been fainting a lot less. Since 2016 started, I have only passed out twice. I am very sleepy quite often, but it's great to be in control.
I have been going to therapy for my panic disorder. I don't talk about it much with anyone, but I'm happy I am getting the support I need. I will also be starting medication for it again, even though I'm hesitant to.
I got a second job! As you know, I do work at a pet store, but I got a second job two days a week working with a child with a disability.
I am a single pringle who is ready to mingle to this jingle.
I have been going to a lot of concerts lately! This weekend I am seeing the love of my life, Mac DeMarco, yet again.
I have been rekindling old friendships.
I stopped talking to my best friend about six weeks ago, and even though I'm sad, I still haven't felt happier and more in control of my life.
I am meeting my best friend off of this site, Tom (96Tomato) next month! <3
My hair has grown six inches, and is midway to my waist again.
I got my scholarship back!
I have been trying to not let people treat me like shit. It's nice to stand up for myself, but every time I do, I have a panic attack afterwards.
I have been reading more, writing more, doing some more art pieces, and brushing up on my French.
I still have many pets, and I still play with them every day.
My cat is turning twenty tomorrow and he is still very sick. I pay a lot for his medication every week, but it's okay.
Other than that, I don't know what else to say. I miss you all. I think about you all every day, I really do.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BESTEST BUNNY A GIRL COULD EVER ASK FOR!!!
Happy 2nd birthday to my loveable bunny, Jack! Although you can't read this or understand the concept of a birthday, I hope I was able to give you the greatest birthday party any rabbit has ever had! In the year and a half I've had you in my life, I have been blessed with your quirks, adorableness, and unconditional love. You made my lifelong dream of having a bunny come true the day you literally hopped into my life! I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you. I have found so much pureness and innocence in you. You have taught me to be more quiet and find love in the simple things in life. The way you play with "toys" that are the wrappers for the actual toys I buy you, and the way you stomp your foot until someone in the house stops yelling is something I've always observed and appreciated. I also love how you are so spoiled, because it has taught me to be a little bit selfish. Self love isn't always a bad thing! You mean so much to me and I promise I will never give up on you and I will always love you. I will always give you the best care I can until the day I die. You mean so much to me and I will make sure your future compensates for the horrible first six months of life you lived.
I hope you enjoyed your 6 BIG birthday salads! <3 I love you so much.
First day I found you!
Lounging after a purple cookie treat!
Little sniffer c:
KIIIIING OF THE BED!
I love you!!!!
I didn't know what to call this, but I'm bored and have wanted to do this ever since I saw the old Picture Thread.
I wanted to do this thing where like, once a week or whatever, everyone decides on a member or something and I'll describe/draw how I actually imagined them? I hope I explained it right. We did it on an old forum before and it was super fun (we meaning my friends and I) and it was interesting to see/read what some people thought I looked like.
Plus, I have imagined you some of you guys waaaay off in the past.
So I guess it could work like, the more "votes" for someone or comment with most likes on it, I'll draw/describe how I imagined this person.
If this is a dumb idea let me know. I wanted to do something new on my blog, though. c: <3
I really wanted to write this note and publish it on the last day of 2015, but I honestly think that this is so important to sit down and type out now while I have the worlds to express what I’d like to say.
On the last day of 2014, I made a promise to myself that 2015 would be the year of self discovery, self growth, the pursuit to happiness, and, of course, #MakeTheSnip2015. I am by no means looking for sympathy, but the past few years prior were difficult for me; adjusting to University lifestyle, morphing into forced adulthood, etc. It’s so odd how in June of 2013, I had to ask a teacher’s permission to use the washroom, and in September of 2013, I was expected to read, memorize, and practically dictate the whole Little Brown Compact Handbook and pay student finances like a breeze.
Fortunately, 2015 was an extremely important year for me. The amount of things I have learned, discovered, observed, and experienced are all so meaningful. I figured that I should publicly share them to potentially reach to someone. I actually decided 2015 would be ‘my year’ after reading how someone made 2014 ‘their year’. Here it goes.
1. EVEN IF YOU DON’T THINK YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE, TELL YOURSELF OTHERWISE
This, to me, has been a very hard thing to do. As someone who has struggled with low self esteem both physically and emotionally for the majority of my lifestyle, I literally could not love anything about myself. I saw nothing good in myself, and because of that, continuously found myself unworthy or undeserving of many things. I was disgusted at how I looked. Gaining the courage to even compliment myself is huge. If I even said something as simple as, “Wow, my hair looks nice today,” my eyes would just immediately begin to tear up because in my heart I truly didn’t believe it. I found one physical trait about myself that I did like, however; my nose. I began to like my nose more and more, and began to just compliment that little part of myself. After a while, I noticed I was also blessed to have great eyebrows that I never have to pluck. That lead to me appreciating the fact that my hair and nails grow very rapidly, and that I have decent looking hands, and so on. Do I love every part of myself? Absolutely not. I dislike many things and hope to change those things, but that doesn’t mean I have to go through like not recognizing what I do like about myself. Do I actually think I look as beautiful as Beyonce? No, but me complimenting myself and gaining the courage to even make remarks like that shows that I truly do want to love who I am. I want to feel comfortable in my skin, and if that means me telling myself that I am hotter than Beyonce, so be it. It isn’t a matter of being cocky, but it is a matter of learning to love myself. (I am Sasha Fierce).
2. NOT EVERYONE LIKES HUGS
It is still an extremely weird concept to me, but not everyone likes hugs or being hugged. I used to take offence to this and assume people just didn’t want my hugs, but it turns out some people just do not like hugs. It make be an awkward situation for them to have a hug in, hugs may trigger past emotions and memories, or maybe hugs are considered intimate. Regardless, I have learned to ask before someone wants a hug. Always ask if someone wants a hug before you hug them.
3. OFFER HUGS TO PEOPLE
Even though not everyone likes hugs, it doesn’t hurt to ask someone if they do need/want a hug. I feel like many people lack common physical embrace due to the whole hands off policy thing, but with consent, there is nothing to worry about. Sometimes, hugs just make everything better. If you see someone may need that non-verbal reassurance, offer it up and make someone’s day. The body responds to both verbal and physical comfort. As long as you are both comfortable, why not, eh?
4. IF YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO EAT ALL OF THE SUSHI YOU GET AT ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI, YOU PROBABLY STILL CANNOT DO IT, SO WHY TRY?
Seriously, my eyes are bigger than my stomach, and half of the food I order always goes to waste. Go with a group of friends that are willing to eat, and order only three things at a time. That way, you can keep reordering. It will help eliminate food going to waste.
5. NOT EVERYONE SAYS SORRY DIRECTLY BY SAYING, “SORRY.”
This was a huge lesson I learned this year. Not everyone has the courage to directly apologize over something. Not everyone can get over their pride to directly apologize. If someone is going out of their comfort zone and doing an act of kindness, it may be a form of apologizing.
It’s okay to not accept that. In some cases, a formal apology is directly needed out of respect. If their apology isn’t cutting it for you, make it clear. But if someone who has a hard time apologizing about anything musters up something positive and somewhat apologetic, recognize and appreciate the efforts that were made. Not everything has to be straight forward, because not all people are straight forward.
Also, some people are too prideful to say sorry, which is something huge that I've noticed. These people do need to get over themselves, but if they seem to get out any kind of apology, it's best to take it.
6. ONLY APOLOGIZE WHEN YOU GENUINELY FEEL SORRY
This was a huge thing for me, as even when I find myself to be correct, I used to always apologize for the sake of keeping a friendship, relationship, and/or connection. It began to be very unhealthy for me to do. I began to blame myself for absolutely anything negative that mat have happened, and doubted my heart many times. “Is there something more I could have done?” “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.” “I should have known better.” Regretting every single thing you’ve ever done because it has upset people can make your whole life seem very pointless. It’s counterproductive. One cannot progress if they are too afraid of stepping on toes. My intentions are always positive and true. I would never intentionally harm anyone, and just because I may disagree with people and upset some people at times does not make me incorrect. Remember to stand your ground. If you truly feel in your heart that what you did isn’t something harmful to another person, then why should you apologize? Of course things can always be misinterpreted. Talk to the person who is offended. If they offer up a decent reason as to what you have said/done/behaved was offensive, give an apology and make sure you let them know that your intention wasn’t in that way. That is just common courtesy. However, if you did something that you truly feel isn’t wrong and it is for something you support and are passionate for, do not ever make yourself feel like what you are doing is wrong.
Since I’m not too sure if my point is clear, I will give a short example: I work with animals. A customer had come in and said they have had many goldfish in a bowl before, and each goldfish has lived for up to a year. Technically speaking, that isn’t really a good life for a goldfish, and I did take the time to explain to her why it wasn’t a good idea. I offered up alternatives, and showed her appropriate tanks for goldfish. She immediately became aggressive and demanded a goldfish. My job is to make sure every animal goes into a loving, caring, safe home. I told her she could not have her fish. She immediately told me, “My God, I am so offended.” I truly did not feel like I had to apologize, so I just said, “My intention isn’t to offend you, but it is my job to make sure these fish get the proper care they need.”
7. DON’T EVER BE AFRAID TO APOLOGIZE
No matter how minor the incident or how large the issue, if you genuinely feel sorry for any of your actions, words, and/or behaviour, let someone know. It does not make you weak. It does not make you look like some asshat who is constantly wrong. It makes you look like someone who is comfortable with being wrong at times, and accept that it is just a stepping stone in helping you learn. Apologize in a way that makes you feel comfortable, and in a way that makes the other person feel reassured.
8. SPEAK THE TRUTH, EVEN IF YOUR VOICE SHAKES
Always be honest with others and to yourself. I found myself unhappy for many years for giving the standard answers to things, but those answers were not true or clear representations of who I was, what my intentions were, or how I may have been feeling. Replying with little things like, “I’m fine” if you aren’t ‘fine’ and “Okay” when you actually do not find something okay become so automatic, that it keeps a barrier between your own persona and reality. My feelings, thoughts, and attitudes are all valid, so why should I not make them apart of my reality? If I am not fine, I will not tell you that I’m fine, and if I don’t like something, you are as sure as heck I will let you know! Even if something is hard for you to tell someone, let them know. Let people know things because you love them, respect them, and want to fix things. Even if what you have to say is hard for you to get out, rip it off like a bandage. Keeping things bottled up inside is torture and causes more problems down the line. Be respectful, calm, kind, and collective when telling people things; do not ever break boundaries and insult someone. If what you have to say is something you find ‘truthful’ but hurtful, don’t bother saying that. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. Know the difference between being truthful and being incredibly indecent and rude. This helps you stay true to yourself, and when you are true to yourself, you are keeping a promise to yourself that the little things that make you, you are valid.
9. RACISM IS STILL ALIVE
It is continuous, and at the rate people are handling it, the issue will be persistent for many years. For many, many years, I figured that racism was dead, because I truly believed that all people thought the way I did. After going to University, my eyes opened up to the harsh reality. Just because I do not have prejudices and discriminate against people, doesn’t mean other people don’t. Innocent people are being seen as inferior, and being treated with the most passive-aggressive forms of racism that can be so subtle and unnoticed, and if they keep getting away with it, they will continue to become colder and more callous. Educate yourselves on different ethnic backgrounds, and stand with the people who are fighting for equal rights. Embrace the beauty and differences that other cultures have to offer. It is so lovely to have so many backgrounds and types of people in the world; all have something unique and special to offer. If you don’t open your eyes now, you will never see how beautiful people are.
9.5. DISCRIMINATION IS A HUGE ISSUE
Take a stand. Fight for the rights of minorities. All minorities. Advocate and empower the people who are marginalized for who they are due to discrimination and do the right thing. For example, if you see someone making fun of someone for their weight, tell them to quit it, and you find something about that victim you find beautiful, and you tell them that they are beautiful. If you see someone mocking an elderly individual, you tell them to be more patient and considerate. If you see someone being made fun of for their sexual orientation/identity, validate the victim of the harassment that the issue is not them, and defend them against the other person who is causing harm. Things cannot change if you are not willing to change your habits in protecting others.
10. IF SOMEONE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, THEY ARE NOT A PERSON YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE
It’s difficult to accept, but some people will not always care about your mental health. Many people are egotistical and manipulate everything and anything to be about themselves. If someone ever says you are being sad for ‘attention’ instead of asking exactly what has got you down, avoid them. If someone tells you that you have no reason to be upset, avoid them. If someone ever tells you that your feelings or wrong or stupid, they are a dangerous person. If someone cannot recognize when they are harming you and instead tells you that you are wrong, that is not right. If someone tells you that your problems are not worth speaking about due to incredibly stupid reasons, they do not care about you. A few of the things I have been told by some people this year are, “Your problems aren’t as bad as _____’s, so why are you so down?”, “Your feelings aren’t really worth talking about, because I can’t do or say anything to make you feel better”, and, “There is no point in talking about your problems.” That is disgusting. If someone is not in a good state to talk about their problems, that is different (and if this is case, always let someone know if you are not feeling up to it), but do not ever reject someone in need. They are reaching out, and 99% of people don’t choose to be sad, or even want attention. If a “friend” ever says these things to you, they are not a friend.
11. NEVER BE ASHAMED OF STIGMATIZED ASPECTS OF YOURSELF
This one is a bit more personal, but I did want to share it with you all. I was formally diagnosed this year with not only severe anxiety disorder, but panic disorder, which no one had ever considered me to have. It was a relief to find out that the way I think isn’t my fault; I just can’t help but worry and over think. I have had many people not understand this and get angry at me, think I’m “faking”, and blame me for many things due to this. I have also met many people who accommodate me, understand what it is like, and have been there for me through thick and thin. I would especially like to thank all of my friends who have been there for me, even when times were very hard for me. Thank you for dealing with my mood swings and comforting me. You know who you are, and you have absolutely no idea how grateful I am to have you. Because of the good that has happened, I am finding it easier to love myself, even though I always panic. I know it isn’t ‘normal’ to vomit during exams from stress, get nosebleeds from stress, or cry and shake in panic. This year I have managed to get academic accommodations to better myself, and because of that, my grades have sky-rocketed.
12. LOVE HAS NO BOUNDARIES
You can love whoever your heart desires, no matter how far away they are. If someone makes your heart feel whole and happy just by being them, something must be special about them. Love someone who makes you feel like you’re special, who does cute little things for you, and expresses how important you are. Don’t give up on people you love just because of rough patches. Times can be tough, and it is difficult to have distance between two people, but remember why you loved that person in the first place, and try to think of all the happy times the future has to hold. People get busy, and that is okay; business doesn’t change love.
13. PEOPLE WILL JUDGE ANYTHING AND ANYONE
Just because someone does something you may not do yourself, does not make what they are doing ‘weird’ or ‘wrong’. If you dislike smoking, don’t do it. If you dislike drinking, don’t do it. If you dislike sleeping around, don’t do it. If you couldn’t do certain things in a relationship that someone else does, don’t do those things. If you can’t imagine yourself wearing clothes someone else is wearing, don’t wear them. Just because someone else is doing that stuff, does not make them wrong or bad. It means that they have a different lifestyle than you. As long as everything is legal and no one is getting harmed, it is absolutely none of your business to judge someone’s happiness based on your own values. The only exception to this rule is disliking people who eat sushi with a fork (kidding, of course).
14. ACCUTANE: CLEARS YOUR SKIN, MAKES YOU SUICIDAL
As many of you may know, I was on Accutane for one year, three months, two weeks, and three days. My acne was so horrible and painful, and I really needed this cure to work. Unfortunately, one of the main side effects of the pill is causing depression and suicidal thoughts. For that duration of my life, everything was a blur. I do not remember that time of my life vividly because I was just so constantly sad for absolutely no reason. A week or so after getting off of the pill, I felt like my old self again, and like I woke up from a horrible curse. I am sorry for being so emotional during that year, but again, thank you to everyone who was there for me. Just know that if you consider using Accutane, prepare for living in a daze, being constantly fatigued, and crying for no reason all the time. I mean, my skin does look better now, but I am not sure I would have gone through the treatments if I would have know it would take that big of a toll on me.
15. GOODBYE DOESN’T MEAN FOREVER
Rekindle old friendships. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you miss someone, let them know. What do you really have to lose? Throughout the year, I have rekindled many old friendships and I have never regretted it once. Sometimes, we are not meant to be in every chapter of a person’s life, but that doesn’t mean we can’t come back in the future. Sometimes people just need some time apart, and that seemed to be the case with me and the certain people I had lost for a bit. We just were going through two different paths in our journey into adulthood and needed time. If someone is meant to be in your life, they will always come back into it.
16. MAKE MEMORIES; GET INVOLVED
I have been getting more engaged in my classes and speaking up, and getting involved with the community for a while now. I have gained a lot of knowledge, experience, and insight through my volunteer work and these classroom experienced that have helped shaped me as a person. I have been able to figure out what I like and dislike, and who I am as a person due to these things. Help your community, and by doing so, you will help yourself. Help out with at least one organization, and I promise you that the benefits you will get in return for your time outweigh any doubts you have about volunteering.
17. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY PETS...
...unless it is a hoarding issue, in which case, that is too many pets. But I truly believe that pets make all humans better people, and there is so much we can learn from animals. Surrounding myself with my pets is something that truly makes me happy. I will continue to fight for animal rights, freedom, and justice until the day I die, and will continue to protect and care for any animal I can. Even if times get tough with my pets, they will still be able to get out of their cages, eat as much as they’d like for whatever they care for, and get snuggles from me. Even though sometimes they can be expensive (medically, mostly), I will never give up on them because I am all they have. When I am blue, all I need to do is hug Fletcher and the fact that is so happy to be with me makes me happy. Having compassion and empathy for vulnerable living creatures makes you more human than people who do not, in my opinion. It teaches you to not care for yourself, and to care for others who may depend on you. If you want a pet, adopt one, but please be sure you have the means and capacity to care for them.
18. GREEN DAY STILL IS, AND, ALWAYS WILL BE, THE BEST BAND EVER
This one is a no brainer. Agree with me. Their lyrics are so relevant to my life and they have impacted me tremendously. Here is a video to prove why they are amazing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFP...
18.5. MAC DEMARCO IS LOVE, MAC DEMARCO IS LIFE
In the summer, I had the amazing time seeing Mac DeMarco live with two of my best friends. I absolutely love his music and his attitude and lyrics have really helped me think about my own life a lot. I’m so happy I got into his music.
19. FLOSS YOUR TEETH,
TRUST ME. FLOSS. FLOSS. FLOSS. YOUR TEETH WILL FEEL AMAZING EVERY TIME, AND YOUR GUMS WILL EVENTUALLY STOP BLEEDING, I PROMISE YOU.
20. DO NOT TAKE PEOPLE FOR GRANTED, ESPECIALLY YOURSELF
Tell people how much they mean to you. I have realized this late in the year, and my plans for 2016 are to always let people know how much I appreciate them and love them. Life is so short and so precious, so let people know how precious they are to you. There are so many people that I value, need, and love with all of my heart. Thank you all so much for making my life so wonderful. I value each and every one of my friends, and please never think for a second that I don’t. If I ever seem like I am not doing enough, let me know, and I promise I never want to make you feel any less than how I actually feel for you. Also, recognize your strengths. Embrace your weaknesses. Set goals. Love yourself no matter what. You are capable of more than you think, remember that.
To end off, I would just like to once again thank everyone who has been apart of my life. I have had hardships and so many gains this year. I never thought so much self growth could be possible in one year, but it was. Thank you so much. I hope 2016 is blessed for all of us (I will probably edit in a better ending to this note in the future, but for now, I’m too tired to think)!
I want to be the person who never leaves your mind. I want to be the dream that helps you unwind. I want to be that lingering thought that keeps you up at 4AM on a school night. I want to be the person who makes your smile so bright.
I want to be the person your heart aches to hold. I want to be someone you'll even love when we're old. I want to be the person you hope to run into in public. I want to be the someone who gives you butterflies in your stomach.
I want you to love every flaw on my face. I want to speak to you and have your heart race. I want you to miss me when I'm gone for the day. I want you to always want me to stay.
I hope that this feeling won't ever go away. I want to make you happy in every single way. I want you to be happy, please don't close all your doors. But, I want to know if you want me, I'm yours.
where did the fire go?
i don't feel it in my heart
and can't seem to find it in my soul.
the passion is extinguished
but foggy memories play in spurts throughout my nights.
i reach for them, try to take them back
but as my finger tips brush them, they fade away
and i know i can never have them again.
i hope for the fire to come back
and to grow like it once did
but it isn't
and instead I'm stranded in the ashes and memories from better days
praying for the spark to come
i told you that i felt really sad
so you let me braid your hair and line your eyes with black ink
just to make me smile and laugh
i told you that i felt really bad
so you bought me vegetable soup from the shop
for $4.25, which was all you had
i told you that i hate myself
you took me to the park and played me songs on your guitar
just so i could love myself
i told you that i felt alone
you drove two hours in a storm
just to watch tv at my home
i told you that i miss you
and you called me for an hour or so
just to explain that you miss me too
(I don't know how to end this, so I'll end off here for now)
So this weekend I went on a super exciting trip and saw my future husband (loooool). I also got to do shit for myself for once so that felt awesome!
So on Friday, my mum drove me to the train station and I'm happy I did tell her an hour earlier because we were really cutting it close. When I got on the train I was delighted to see someone from my high school that I used to talk to a lot on the train too, so we talked for a bit until she had to get off of the train. I was happy I had someone for the first bit though because I was getting super anxious. After that, I always had someone new beside me...at every stop the person beside me would get off and a new person would get on. The only consistent people I had sitting beside me were these two guys that talked to me about Toronto for a bit and about how shitty our University is. It felt super awesome to be social because I would have never spoke to someone just like that.
When I got to the station in Toronto, I was super overwhelmed by the crowd and the size. I had no idea where my friend was telling me she was (she kept saying 'by the clock') and no matter how much I walked I couldn't find her. Eventually the woman who was sitting beside me on the train found me and asked if I needed help. Normally I would have just said no because I've seen too many episodes of Forensic Files and I have been trying to listen to my gut instincts lately, but I was in such a public place that I knew nothing could have happened...so I said yes and she brought me to the clock and I found my friend LOL. If not for her I would have been walking around for an hour longer.
Afterwards my friend and I walked around the city for a bit and she taught me how to use the subway system and bus system for when I went to do my own things, and it's actually ten times easier than my own city's means of transportation. Surprisingly, the subway and buses were never too full (except for my last day on my way to the train station), so I wasn't too overwhelmed. We had a great time just walking around and grocery shopping and stuff. We stayed in one of the college dorms and it wasn't the greatest, but it sufficed.
THEN THE MOST IMPORTANT THING KERUKRWEGUFKEGRUW THE CONCERT!!!! We spent like four hours walking to the venue and it was the hottest day ever. I dressed in such a cute outfit and very much his style and the excitement was unreal. When my other friend met up with us I literally ran into the festival. We all bought VIP tickets, so I was expecting to get the best standing area. It turns out, we didn't. Our standing area was to the side all awkward and only in view of the cords and stuff on stage. I was so discouraged and we decided to just go to the general standing are and push our way up. I navigated a path and eventually, there were only six people between me and the barrier. I couldn't have been more pleased.
When Mac DeMarco and his band came on stage to set up, my heart was literally racing so hard I thought I was going to have a heart attack LOL I was so excited. During his show people in the crowd started fights, which was scary. This one guy hit a girl WAY shorter and smaller than me and took her bag and threw it in the middle of the crowd. Some other guy punched him in the face and the girl was crying. LUCKILY for some odd reason I had a flashlight in my purse and I gave it to her to use to find her bag, and she found it and even returned my flashlight.
The amazing thing about Mac DeMarco is his stage presence and his energy. He's my third favourite artist and something I've noticed is Green Day has it all; special effects and stage energy/presence. Muse just has special effects but at both of their shows I have been to, their energy isn't up to par with their lighting and such. Mac DeMarco doesn't have anything fancy at all, but it is totally made up for with his quirky personality. He's even more beautiful in person and ten times funnier too. I eventually made it to the front of the barrier and I had the absolute time of my life.
At the end of the show something stupid happened and I only told my close group of friends on GDC, but ugh YEH something devastating happened and I'm over it now, but it was horrible at the time.
After that I went back to the dorm with my friend and slept. I woke up and made it to the train station safe and sound. I contacted my parents quite frequently and I hope they see how responsible and safe I can be on my own...I hope this opens doors for me.
EDITL During this trip I was also shocked to find out that it's not just American guys who for whatever reason seem to find me attractive LOL. One day I looked like absolute trash and was told I look 'beautiful' so it was a confidence boost! I was also shocked by the kindness I found in such a busy city. I would never want to live in Toronto, but the people were so nice. Everyone held doors open, said sorry and thank you, smiled on the streets, etc. Even at the concert, these guys were in front of me and I couldn't see because they were so tall, and I got kind of sad, and then one turned around and was like, "Are we too tall for you?" And I was like, "It's okay, I'll just listen." They were all like NOOO it's okay and they ended up pushing me in front of them LOL. They totally didn't even have to do that!
I'm going to close off with this song that Mac plays amazing live. I wish I could see him again and I suggest everyone go do the same. He sounds better in person than on CD. It's not from my show (can't find any footage) but ahhh he's so cute.
i miss who you used to be
i miss who you were
the kind heart who was once so selfless is now so calloused and cold
and the helping hands which were always reaching out are now crossed at your chest
always a pessimist, but always providing light in the darkest of times
your innocent and pure heart ignited a hope for good in humanity
but now you are bitter and hurtful
i miss how talented and down to earth you once were
why were you so afraid to be yourself when you were so lovely?
you were so appreciative
you were so thoughtful
you were so giving
what happened to you?
i wish you hadn't grown up and become so dull
you are so bland, so selfish, and colder than ice
and i pray that one day you can find the old you within
and be happy
Okay. I know this is going to sound extremely stupid, but I honestly have never used anything to download music besides iTunes in my life. I guess I've seen how Limewire worked when I was in grade six, but that was so long ago and I don't think that's even a thing anymore.
Anyways, on iTunes I bought this album in 2007 called Grand Animals by Robbers on High Street. It's one of my all time favourite albums, and I have no idea why, but the album suddenly disappeared off of my own library and the iTunes store.
So I was wondering where I could find it, or if anyone had the files to forward to me? I also love their song called Spanish Teeth and it has just randomly disappeared.
My iTunes has also done this with my Weezer albums (I had them on CD, so I just resynced them), one of my Muse albums, all of my songs by Makeout Videotape, and 21st Century Breakdown. AND no matter how many times I edit it, all of my Linkin Park songs are changed to 'Linkin Park', and the albums are all called 'Linkin Park'. How annoying...but that's my luck, I guess.
Thanks in advanced to anyone who could help me!
oh night sky
the moon sparkles in my eye
blanket me to sleep
though my pillow stars may weep
paint drips from my head
as i am dreaming in my bed
it leaks a portrait of you and i
longing to project in the night sky
hoping you could look up and see
that i always dream of you and me
from heaven to me
he said, "child, do not flee"
i stood cold
my heart raced
at an alarming pace
he told me, "don't be afraid"
god loved me
and smiled with glee
i stuttered, "what about my family?"
he laughed and
took my hand
and lifted me off of the land
he said, "your family will understand"
we flew up
the spirit and me
i caught a clear view of the sea
i asked the spirit
if he knew that sea
"you floated off there"
and i cried
i told him, "don't lie"
he said, "you will have to say goodbye"
i asked god
to save my mind from this fog
he said, "child, it won't be too long
you'll see them
soon once again
guide them and watch them, my friend"
as my heart felt deflated
until i saw my family again
in the forest
you built a well
will you throw me inside?
you yell and you throw things
a fire burns in your eyes
i try to find a safe place to hide.
my heart beats
i can’t sleep
i can’t seem to eat
would you harm me?
please, don’t harm me
through the window
i saw your eyes
i knew you were hurting inside
in the sunlight
i saw your face
i knew you were burning inside
in the backyard
i saw you lay
i knew this wasn't your day
in the office
i saw you try
i knew you were breaking inside
holding your hand
i felt your grasp
i knew you were draining inside
in the darkness
i hear you cry
i know you're dying inside
EDIT: A major error on my part. I am not sure if it was Emilie, but I believe Emilie preferred being addressed with them/their/they pronouns...I believe I forgot about this while filming and I am terribly sorry. I honestly mean no disrespect. I think you had removed it form your signature so I forgot.
I just want to say that if you're not in the mood to read about someone ranting about their life, or if you're still super hyped about the House of Blues show from yesterday and don't want your mood brought down, I highly suggest you just don't read this if you ended up clicking it. I don't want to upset/annoy more people.
It sucks how no matter how many times I try to make this blogpost state exactly what my head is thinking, I can never do it. When I'm driving to work or taking notes at school, these thoughts consume me and I can't focus on anything else, and when I try to get them out of my head, I can't even do it. I'll just try my best to get it all out of my head right now because I've gotten to the point where I can't function properly due to this. I literally have no one else to turn to. My parents don't care. My friends don't care. My doctor doesn't care. My priest doesn't care. I've been using GDC as a means of happiness for a while now and so I just feel like this is really my last place to go.
I truly believe that unless you have anxiety or illnesses close to anxiety, you could never fully understand anxiety. I hate when I try to open up to people and I'm told to just 'calm down' or 'get over it', because that just sparks more anxiety into me. People don't understand that my mind is always racing and I'm always panicking. I always feel this horrible weight on my shoulders and chest and like I need to rush every single thing I do. I constantly panic about fucking things up and getting hurt. I think about things in the past and blame myself all the time. I always get so upset that I'm a piece of shit person and I can't do things right. So when someone tells me to just 'get over it', I get really upset with myself because I figure that I'm being selfish and my problems are all my issues. And that makes me hate myself more.
I hate how my parents can never be happy with me. Ever. They always yell and hit and scream over nothing and that really makes me adopt new and apparently obscene ways of doing things. For example, once when I was a kid, I dropped a plate and it broke, and my parents disciplined me so horribly that I make sure I never break any dishes ever again. I could literally give my mum the world and she'd say, "Why not the universe?" All my mother does from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed is act so negatively towards my brother and I. We could literally be so hyped and excited about something and whenever we're happy, she finds a way to rain on our parade. Or laugh at the things we're interested in. It's not as though I even ask her for anything anymore because she holds things over our heads or says no. I do everything for myself except pay rent. I know a lot of people probably have this but from the way we were raised and the way our families work, it shouldn't be this way. I don't believe I should get things I pay for taken away or broken in front of my face. I don't understand how my brother, who has more money than me, does not have to pay for his phone bill, clothes, food, books, etc., and I have to. I don't understand why every Sunday morning for the past three or four years, she yells at me for volunteering at the shelter, which is one of the only things that makes me happy, and of course she has to make me feel guilty about going. I barely even see my dad because when he's not working, he's sitting at Tim Horton's drinking coffee at a table by himself. I just don't understand. They expect so much of me and when I truly try nothing is enough. They want me to be this successful, well-rounded person, but discourage me from socializing with people and leaving my house. They expect me to go to work, make connections in the city (which I do through volunteer work), have productive hobbies, have friends, go to church, stay physically fit, excel in school, and clean the house every day. They want me to act like the adult I should be, but they still discipline me like I'm a kid. I've never once heard my parents tell me they're proud of me, and they never say 'I love you' to me first. It hurts so much because I try so hard to be a perfect daughter for them but they just don't care. All my mum does at work is sit at a desk and watch kids do work (she teaches at an alternative high school, so she doesn't even have to formally teach these days), come home, scream at us, and go to bed. She doesn't clean or cook and she has all of this free time, but instead she chooses to smoke cigarettes in the basement all day and get my pets sick with the smoke. All my dad does is work, eat, sleep (and take away from my sleep with his insanely loud snoring), go to the casino, and go shopping. My parents have changed so much within the last three years and it's hard to watch because I'm not sure if I even like who they are now, but it's even harder to deal with because all they do is make me hate myself. They laughed when a school psychologist said I have anxiety. They told me my life is so perfect and I'm selfish for even thinking anything could be wrong. When I try to open up to either of them, my dad just doesn't understand what I'm saying or my mum screams at me, throw shit at me, and leaves the house. Every. Time. I just hate upsetting people and I never know how to act near them anymore.
Lately, I don't even feel as though I have friends at all. I understand we're all busy with exams and such, but it hurts my feelings to see everyone talking to each other online but no one putting in an effort with me anymore ever since a little misunderstanding happened. I feel like everyone is done with me and my constant worrying. It sucks how I am always a crutch for others when I can barely even keep myself stable. That's primarily why I am taking my year break from Social Work and continuing with English and French just until I can figure some stuff about myself out. I don't expect a billion friends but I do just wish I had friends who loved me and understood me. I dwell on failed friendships so much and I miss people insanely. I miss my friend Jessee like crazy but every time I tell him this he says, "It's either all or nothing" (meaning if we don't date, he won't stay in my life) and I don't like him in that way. He was my first friend I felt such a significant bond with and he hurt me so bad and I don't even know why I care for him or miss him. I don't know why I still have feelings for old friends like Celina or Alyssa or Diandra who hurt me and completely ditched me. I don't know why even though I was treated like shit and so disrespected, I care so much for them. I wish my friends understood that them not talking to me gives me more anxiety and that I don't mean to be this way. I feel like sometimes they know I'll just apologize for things and do their way because they don't care that I care so much. I don't like myself, but one thing I do know is that if I'm friends with someone, I will always be a good friend and a loyal friend and a helpful friend. That is one of the very few things I'm good at. I just miss everyone. I honestly feel like the only person I have these days is Tom (96Strat, who never even uses his account anyways) because none of my friends seem to care, and my online friends are either busy with new relationships or don't know what to say or have their own problems. I even feel like my boyfriend is super annoyed with me or doesn't even care sometimes. I love him so much and he has his own issues and I feel like my problems strain our relationship. I've never felt this way about anyone and I'm scared of my anxiety ruining things between us.
I feel like if I say things, no one cares, but if someone else said them, people would find it funny or reply to it or want to talk to the person. I don't know what about me is so bad that repels people away. I don't know why I'm an easy target for people to find something to laugh at. I don't know why I'm so invisible to people. And I know that's stupid to say, but it's true. My brother is a drama student and when I went to the drama building a few days ago to get him so we could go home, I literally stood right in front of him and said, "Mark, let's go." RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. He just kept talking with friends. I kept following him around the room calling for him and he didn't notice me and just began dancing with people. And his stupid drama classmates didn't care or didn't notice me. It took me ten minutes before I gave up, sat at a table, and turned on my laptop. Finally, he ended up standing at the end of my table and it wasn't until I shook him that he said, "Oh, hi Mimi." I told him I was there for more than ten minutes and he said, "Bullshit." And of course, it wasn't until I said, "Everyone in drama is fucking ignorant, apparently" that then suddenly did their fucking ears work, and they felt the need to insult me. Even though I know in my head that they deserved to hear that because they didn't even go out of their way to help or anything, I still felt belittled and like something was wrong with me. No matter where I go I'm not 'Mimi'; I'm either just 'some annoying girl' or 'Mark's sister' or 'who?' I don't want to be famous or anything, if that's what you're getting out of this, but I wish I was just known as myself for once in my life. I want someone to value me for who I really am and not what they think I am so they can leave, and I wish people would take the time to know me. I try to always do that with people and I don't know why it's so hard for others to do the same.
I just am confused as to why people tell me to not be so hard on myself, but people are so hard on me. I don't get it, and I'm so tired of being sad and feeling alone and like no one likes me. What's so horrible about me, and what the fuck is wrong with me?
Hi guys! I couldn't seem to find a philosophy thread anywhere and I love anything philosophical. If there is one, could someone please link me it? And if there isn't one, would anyone be up for/like to start a thread called something like 'Philosophical Stuff' or even have a club for it? I've already made two threads since I started posting again (one which wasn't serious though) so I would feel weird making another, especially if it isn't allowed.
Anyhow, I am almost done my philosophy paper, and it's discussing whether alcoholics should be eligible or not eligible for liver transplantation.
Here is what I am essentially working with: "First, alcoholics are morally blameworthy, their condition is the result of their own misconduct; such blameworthiness disqualifies alcoholics in unavoidable competition for organs with others who are equally sick but blameless. Second, because of their habits alcoholics will not exhibit satisfactory rates of survival after transplantation; god stewardship of a scarce lifesaving resources therefor requires that alcoholics not be considered for liver transplantation."
The columnist Carl Choen from Ann Arbor, MI, USA wrote an article going against those two arguments in a moral and medical standpoint, and I agree with him completely. The article is about three pages in length, so if anyone is up for a read, here it is in PDF form:
My opinion morally: We don't deny smoker's the right to certain transplantations, so why should alcoholics be denied? The lifestyle isn't healthy but if someone is on a wait list for an organ for years, they shouldn't be denied. They could suffer from this addiction due to multiple reasons, and since it is so socially unacceptable to be an alcoholic, the individual could have felt ashamed to seek help.
Medically: It is still being debated whether alcoholism is a self inflicted addiction or if it could qualify under the DSM5 mental illness handbook, or even a type of disease. The issue is so common and affects every one in ten American families drastically. Someone who has a high form of cancer could just as easily reject the liver as much as an alcoholic could.
My overall opinion: I believe that alcoholics shouldn't be denied the right to their life and should be given a chance to have a liver transplantation, but I believe immediate rehabilitation should be granted as well, so the individual could make a physical and mental recovery smoothly.
If anyone actually took the time to read this, please let me know what you think down below. If people actually enjoyed talking about this, maybe I could do a number two!
If you don't like rants, I suggest you don't read this.
It's the first day back to school, and my hands have already broken out into hives, and I've had three nosebleeds.
This semester seems like it's going to be stressful. I have only had one class today and I'm currently taking a break form working on a paper which is due on March 26th...if I have to start a paper this early, that should tell you how time consuming this paper is.
On top of that, none of my books (besides one) is available at the campus bookstore. I have readings to do for next week and I'm paranoid and I'm scared of being behind.
I feel like I've failed so much last semester. I feel horrible because I don't even know what will happen to me next year. I don't know if I'll get into social work. I don't know if I should drop everything and just write. I don't know what to do. I have so many things I'm trying to do and and so many things I want to achieve and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know how to handle this. I just want a huge board and a best friend to come and help me plan step-by-step what I need to do.
I don't know if I truly have anyone here for me. I only feel like I have one person who cares about me and now I'm worried if I fucked up everything and if they're busy or just ignoring me or if I'm burdening them or if I'm being selfish.
Literally none of what I'm saying makes any exact sense unless you were in my head. I wish I knew how to word this stuff better, and I wish I knew how to seek help for things.
I don't know what the hell my heart wants. With anything. School wise, career wise, friendship wise, more-than-friend wise...
A huge part of me wants to be alone because no one understands anyways, no matter how much I try to explain things. I want to be alone because all I do is get jealous of other people and realize how much of a shitty person I am.
If I push people away, why am I not okay with being alone?
I don't know how some people handle things so well. I don't know where I'm going wrong.
I'm so stressed and tired of everything. I just wish I wasn't so confused all the time.
I don't know what to do.
I don't really know where I'm going with all of this but I'll end it here. Just needed a place for my brain to projectile vomit some bullshit that goes on in my head.
Okay, so this is my first blog post, I guess. I would do some form of formal introduction, but in my opinion, there is no way for me to introduce myself without seeming incredibly pretentious...so, we'll just start off with this.
The programme in which I am enrolled in at University requires me to learn about a lot of things like marginalization, oppression, political policies, counselling, etc. Although we have to learn about a lot of topics, there are still females in my classes who have to relate everything back to the same topic...
We do discuss feminism a lot in my programme, as it is one of the main things we focus on. I've had to learn about things from every form of feminism, to vagina highlighters. If you knew me, you'd know that every time we get to this unit of feminism, I want to rip my hair out.
As if I couldn't be any more irritated, I was going over my notes on this topic for the final exam, and caught the term "The Political Lesbian" within my notes. Forgetting this term completely, I reread the whole chapter and was absolutely disgusted by what I read.
This term is a term used by Lesbian Feminism/Feminists. Lesbian Feminism focusses on dismantling heteronormativity (which I actually do support), combating patriarchy, and destroying gender roles. Their main claim is that cis-men who are in heterosexual relationships are primarily only interested in a woman for sex, a "trophy", or for any other sexual purposes. They also claim that cis-women in heterosexual relationships rely on men solely for safety, security, comfort, and economic stability.
Lesbian Feminism believes a main way we can prevent these 'needs' and 'interests' from happening is targeting heteronormativity and cisnormativity in the media and such. I don't necessarily have an issue with this, but it's the next part that literally sickens me...
Since feminists of this category are known to be somewhat radical (although, there is a separate form of feminism called 'Radical Feminism'), many women have joined the movement of 'The Political Lesbian'.
Cis-women who are heterosexual (attracted to men 100%) refuse to be with a man sexually and relationship wise because they do not want to 'feed into their sexual cravings' and 'fuel their ego, which fuels patriarchy'. Since these women need their sexual needs fulfilled as well, they will force themselves to become lesbian. This doesn't mean solely hooking up with women who are also Political Lesbian's, or finding bisexual women or one-night-flings or whatever. These women are forcing homosexual relationships with other women who don't know that these women are just doing this as some sort of point against men.
This angers me to no end and this is exactly why some people don't take gay rights seriously; a lot of people say that homosexuals fake it, or choose to be gay/lesbian. In my opinion, these feminists aren't making any positive changes at all, but are instead insulting people of the LGBTQ community, a community which they claim to be supporting 150%. The whole movement is being contradicted by the radical women who think violating their own sexual beliefs and desires will do anything to change society. They are eventually going to break it off with these women they are leading on, and those women will have broken hearts and feel completely used. I don't see why damaging people who are already oppressed isn't being taken into consideration into these women's very narrow, irrational, and unrealistic minds. If they want to be taken seriously, perhaps they should use some logic and think of ways to make the changes they want in ways which don't harm anyone.
Anyways, sorry about that rant. I honestly could go on and on about this, but I'm going to stop here. Thanks to anyone who read this. I'll probably post something else when I come home from work.
Let me know what you think.