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Smoldering Panda


*The title of the sermon today is inspired by the song by the aptly titled Chumbawumba. 

Chapter/Verse/Hymn 3 - Head above the water.

Hello there. If you haven't read the last two entries in my randomly updated blog thing I suggest you do for context~.

As always, disclaimer that if I offer any opinions that they are my opinions and if I ramble I ramble.


I think I'm winning, y'know? 

I'm being battered a lot by my brain but I'm very rarely staying down for 10 at the minute. Sure, I have lapses of fuck the world, and fuck myself but doesn't everyone? If anything it's good old procrastination that's holding me back a little.

I'll start with the positives, most I've kept to myself to now. I've always been private really, always a help people out but never reveal my troubles if prompted.

I was 20 stone 1lb at the start of the year, and am now nearly 18 stone. Through dieting and (kinda when not procrastinating) exercising I can see the physical progress I have made, as shown by the lack of double chin and I can kinda see my hips. :lol:

I have not relapsed back into gambling at all this year, as someone who did this daily this is a massive step up for me. It does help that I blocked everything from myself to stop including through my bank and PayPal, using programs that are password locked that block the sites. I kinda realize that, whilst not working currently I'm sure I will get this when I do start a full time job again, I'm not running out of money as much, so I can afford to go to London and see fellow members. 

I have amazing support thanks to fellow members on here, and hey if you're reading this and we don't talk, drop a message. I'm always up for talking to new people. I'm always happy to offer help and advice for problems.

So yeah, let's keep fighting. Together if we can.



Smoldering Panda

See The Light

Hello there. (As ever, apologies if my rant goes left, right, up and down and I don't claim to be a expert in anything. I'm also going out first draft-no proofreading writer.)

Chapter/Verse/Hymn 2 - Pre-Consultation. 

I always imagined therapy to have a big chair to lie on. Y'know, just like the movies or TV.  Turns out not, maybe when I get to my first proper assessment.

So today was my pre-consultation aka "We booked this appointment for you months ago, remind us why you are here, has anything changed?". And because nothing has really changed mentally, some good stuff has happened recently - thanks to you six. You know who you are. But I'm at this stage in my life for a reason

So after assessing over stuff with a professional (which I wrote in my first blog) it turns out that indeed I do need therapy - so my next appointment will be the real thing. Turns out after assessing all the stuff I told them/questionnaires/doctors references, there are four points they will focus on and officially diagnose:

Anxiety - Fully expecting anxiety, it has made me physically sick and the idea of social interacting (eight times out of ten) with people has me scampering for the nearest dark place.

Depression - Not really surprised, it has always been lingering around for many years now, hopefully will find a way to combat it so it fucks off entirely.

OCD and Bipolar - These are the surprising ones - after looking them up through Google (the scariest thing you can do) I find it now somewhat related to myself and how I've been acting recently.

So, now I wait for my first appointment and hope to crack the glass ceiling, to put some wood on the fire. 

Here's to trying not to give up.



Smoldering Panda

Two Sides On Every Coin.

Hello there. (As ever, apologies if my rant goes left, right, up and down and I don't claim to be a expert in anything. I'm also going out first draft-no proofreading wither. )

I really don't know what I'm going to post here, but I want it to be good. I want it to mean something.

So, I'm going into therapy next month, and that kinda scares me. Scares me because I'm going to be properly ripping my brain out and spewing its content out for the first time. 

I'm not officially diagnosed with anything - possibly stress, but no-one official has ever told me I have anxiety or depression. That's always been me diagnosing myself.

It's been like that for a long time - and for a long time I thought I was OK. I was always distracted by school, education, being a kid, going through puberty, but now when I have to - want to bear the responsibility and become a adult, I feel paralyzed and lost.

Sometimes in the mind-field of mental health, there are doors that you can kick open and get a victory - example being when I confessed how I feel to family, I was bought forward to a doctor - hence the therapist. To anyone reading this, who thinks their family might just shun them or just rattle your problems away, someone out there will understand you and will help you. Just imagine if your child/best friend/sibling/parents came to you and said "I need help" - let them feel your pain and how you need someone to look after you.

Then you have your normal mental health cliches that I go through * - the happy days being sledgehammered by the bad days, just being completely sad for no reason, stupid things that upset you, social anxiety. I'm sure people can relate.

 And for a long time, and pretty much will always try to do, I like to help people. I'm on 7Cups a lot as a helper (If you didn't know 7Cups is a anonymous site where you can choose to listen to people's problem or the flip-side vent out to a person) and I will help people here, at home or strangers if I could.

But I can't just keep ignoring me or the voices in my head. There is one thing, one side of me that's always been there. And there is the first time I'm going to bare it out there, so I can practice saying it virtually before I open my mouth and form words.

(I want to ONCE AGAIN paraphrase that I'm not a expert in anything)

I am a addict. Or (kinda) was - but I have little to no faith that I'm gonna stay there. I have relapsed in the month.

I gamble a lot - funny that how I don't drink because I don't like the idea of being drunk or sex because y'know it's ME we're talking about here. 

It normally ran on the basis that I would get a paycheck and blow it all in a few days - if not hours. I would somehow survive each month by some miracle or refund or some small winnings - believe me the losses outweigh the winnings. And it's always the same way - like those cartoons - bad you on one arm, good you on one arm, Jekyll/Hyde. The monster would take over my brain and gamble a lot of money, it would end normally badly, the good side would surface and the anger/tears/breaking down will commence. Rinse, repeat until the point I made above, broke down a door, told family, doctor, therapist. The urge to relapse is there though. 

So yeah, I'm posting this here first before I do anything - because since 2010 through different members, different venues, different sleep-overs, houses, parties, meet-ups, seeing the band, meeting the band, meeting the people behind the band. From the chat-room in the old days to Green Day around the world to my CAH buddies that I have now (You guys don't know how much you all cheer me up sometimes) I feel some sort of family connection to this place. Even if 55% (even that's a bit high I feel) have never talked or won't interact.

(This bit I'm imagining like the end of the movie with some generic music and narration.)

So I'm not okay, I'm not o-fucki... sorry. 

I'm not okay, I probably won't be for a while. I hope to keep this as my progress. I hope I can get back on dating websites soon, or the gym again. It's not gonna be easy, I'm gonna have shit days and might even regret this but I'm going to try and hopefully keep the few of you who read this informed.

Rage and love.

* - When I typed that, The Climb by Miley Cyrus came on shuffle - deal with it, it's a good song. 


Smoldering Panda

Emirates Weekend

A quick footnote to start: This is probably going to be brief and if you want a better recap of the concert, I recommend the blog Bryony wrote: http://www.greendaycommunity.org/blog/89/entry-2321-green-day-london-england-01062013/

So my journey began at Coventry bus station at 6:30 am on Friday morning, to take a 2 hour bus to London (which I slept/passed out through). I arrived at Victoria bus station, in which I met my two friends, Jamie (some_guy) and Katie (cocopops(?)) and we headed to Emirates, 28 hours early.

After checking in with our friends (who had been camping since Thursday night!!) we did a quick walk around the stadium and seen about 4 people camping at various entrances. We sat around after that to shake off the travel down, and received a few various stares off people who must have thought we were mad. Our entrance happened to populate the most people until at least show time the next day. After a quick kick-around with a banana (only at a GD show folks!) we met and went for cocktails with Lindsay and Paul (Black Dynamite) in a local Weatherspoons, sampling 4 different cocktails between us. After a while we were joined by Val (BeachBum) and Lone albeit briefly as we headed off after that to check on our stuff before we headed to Green Date and dinner.

After a lovely cider with fish and chips, we briefly ran into Ceri and a few others (apologies that I forget your name) and headed off too Green Date, while most of the others checked in at the hostel. We got into Green Date and pretty much got the stage, a hour early.

Green Date supported by Notboro Hot Tubs(?) was a nice bit of fun. "The Rev" thursted the mic in my face a few times while he was stripping down to his boxers. After a quick chance, Green Date came and played a nice long set-list,with the highlight being an acoustic medley of When It's Time, WMUWSE, Poprocks and Coke, Macy's Day Parade, Brutal Love and Good Riddance.

Meeting up with our Irish friends after the show, we slowly headed back to the stadium (via another Weatherspoons and a Italian Pizza place) and got back where I ran into a few arrivals such as Maria Gloria. During the time we were gone, we had missed sound-check which made me sad, but I heard most of the songs the next day.

The only compliment I have with the weekend is that our entrance at the stadium was the entrance which decided not to sleep and sing Like A Rat Does Cheese and play other songs at 3am in the morning, with a speaker blaring. After shutting my eyes for a hour, I went for a walk with Lindsay and Paul to find a McDonalds (it was closed) while morning approached (at 4:30 in the morning, it was dawn. That mind-fucked my tired brain). By pretty much 5am, mostly everyone (apart from a very hungover Svan) was up waiting for the golden circle/pit wristbands.

After receiving my wristband, I went on a long walk running into people (Bryony, Iolanda, NMD, Emily, Hege, Anja, Kelly) (I do apologize if I forgot anyone) and getting food, I pretty much sat at the front of the line, guarding my spot.

Then we were let in. I got about roughly 2 lines from the barrier, so can't complain.

(Once again, a recommendation to view http://www.greendaycommunity.org/blog/89/entry-2321-green-day-london-england-01062013/ if you want a detailed view on the actual show)

Midway through BOBD, I decided "fuck this I'm gonna puke" and got pulled out of the pit/golden circle.Luckily, I felt better and sat in the stands, as Green Day pulled out rarities like Waiting (<3) and Sassafras Roots, while I freaked out when Knowledge was played. Overall, it was the better concert than the Shepard's Bush gig I went to before.

After the show, I did one last walk around the stadium, saying goodbye to various people and giving them long hugs. :(

I headed back to my hostel with Maria Gloria and Joy, after a few minutes of panicking and a free trip on the underground, we got to our hostel which was crap (water on the floor in our room, door cards wouldn't work, couldn't physically get into the top bunk) so being a gentleman, I decided to sleep on the floor, while the ladies occupied the two bottom bunks.

After a nice sleep, and one final goodbye, I arrived at the coach station, turned around to look at London one last time and decided this was the best weekend of my life.

Thank you for reading,


Smoldering Panda

About Me (Brief)

Name: Liam

Age: 18

From: Midlands, UK.

Time on GDC: 2 years

Been a Green Day fan: 7 years

Bands I've seen live: Prima Donna x 2

Mystic Knights of the Cobra

Adam Bones x 2

The Phonemuents x 2

Kepi Ghoulie

Bryan McPherason

Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children McNuggets

Smoldering Panda

It begins...

St Pancreas station

Just a normal station to most of you, it's in London. It's a station, wow.

Not to me. This station is the start of my tale of meeting the fans of Green Day, the best fanbase in the world. These people who I would evantully go to festivals with, spend new year and valentines with.

And it all starts with GDATW...

To be continued.

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