Hello there. (As ever, apologies if my rant goes left, right, up and down and I don't claim to be a expert in anything. I'm also going out first draft-no proofreading wither. )
I really don't know what I'm going to post here, but I want it to be good. I want it to mean something.
So, I'm going into therapy next month, and that kinda scares me. Scares me because I'm going to be properly ripping my brain out and spewing its content out for the first time.
I'm not officially diagnosed with anything - possibly stress, but no-one official has ever told me I have anxiety or depression. That's always been me diagnosing myself.
It's been like that for a long time - and for a long time I thought I was OK. I was always distracted by school, education, being a kid, going through puberty, but now when I have to - want to bear the responsibility and become a adult, I feel paralyzed and lost.
Sometimes in the mind-field of mental health, there are doors that you can kick open and get a victory - example being when I confessed how I feel to family, I was bought forward to a doctor - hence the therapist. To anyone reading this, who thinks their family might just shun them or just rattle your problems away, someone out there will understand you and will help you. Just imagine if your child/best friend/sibling/parents came to you and said "I need help" - let them feel your pain and how you need someone to look after you.
Then you have your normal mental health cliches that I go through * - the happy days being sledgehammered by the bad days, just being completely sad for no reason, stupid things that upset you, social anxiety. I'm sure people can relate.
And for a long time, and pretty much will always try to do, I like to help people. I'm on 7Cups a lot as a helper (If you didn't know 7Cups is a anonymous site where you can choose to listen to people's problem or the flip-side vent out to a person) and I will help people here, at home or strangers if I could.
But I can't just keep ignoring me or the voices in my head. There is one thing, one side of me that's always been there. And there is the first time I'm going to bare it out there, so I can practice saying it virtually before I open my mouth and form words.
(I want to ONCE AGAIN paraphrase that I'm not a expert in anything)
I am a addict. Or (kinda) was - but I have little to no faith that I'm gonna stay there. I have relapsed in the month.
I gamble a lot - funny that how I don't drink because I don't like the idea of being drunk or sex because y'know it's ME we're talking about here.
It normally ran on the basis that I would get a paycheck and blow it all in a few days - if not hours. I would somehow survive each month by some miracle or refund or some small winnings - believe me the losses outweigh the winnings. And it's always the same way - like those cartoons - bad you on one arm, good you on one arm, Jekyll/Hyde. The monster would take over my brain and gamble a lot of money, it would end normally badly, the good side would surface and the anger/tears/breaking down will commence. Rinse, repeat until the point I made above, broke down a door, told family, doctor, therapist. The urge to relapse is there though.
So yeah, I'm posting this here first before I do anything - because since 2010 through different members, different venues, different sleep-overs, houses, parties, meet-ups, seeing the band, meeting the band, meeting the people behind the band. From the chat-room in the old days to Green Day around the world to my CAH buddies that I have now (You guys don't know how much you all cheer me up sometimes) I feel some sort of family connection to this place. Even if 55% (even that's a bit high I feel) have never talked or won't interact.
(This bit I'm imagining like the end of the movie with some generic music and narration.)
So I'm not okay, I'm not o-fucki... sorry.
I'm not okay, I probably won't be for a while. I hope to keep this as my progress. I hope I can get back on dating websites soon, or the gym again. It's not gonna be easy, I'm gonna have shit days and might even regret this but I'm going to try and hopefully keep the few of you who read this informed.
Rage and love.
* - When I typed that, The Climb by Miley Cyrus came on shuffle - deal with it, it's a good song.