Here it is, the long-awaited second chapter of Harry Pothead! And it only took me and Jaimie 6 months to finish it! Think, if we keep at this pace, it'll be done in about 36 months!
The Secret Stash
"Why the hell is Drugwhore sending us home for Halloween? GOD! I don't even have anywhere to go, my aunt and uncle are dead, Pudley's in the psych ward, where the hell am I gonna go?" Harry yelled on a train ride home for Halloween break. "Why don't ya come stay at my piece of shit house? It might as well be a port-a-potty, but it's home." Bong suggested. "Oh, it's also about 200 miles from any civilization" he added. "I don't care if it's a port-a-potty house, I lived under the fuckin' staircase on a pile of newspapers, a port-a-potty house would be like a castle to me!" Harry replied. "Well alright, but don't say I didn't warn ya!" They finally made it to Bong's house, which looked pretty much just how he described it, except instead of a port-a-potty it looked more like a ruined tiny shack. When they went inside, Harry didn't even have time to be effected by the smell of pot before Bong's dad raced across the room to ask "Hey, you lived in the buggle world, so tell me, what is the fuction of a rubber?" "Like I know, are you Bong's dad or something?" "Oh yes, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Art, Artichoke Weasel, at your service." "Nice to meet ya man" Harry replied. After saying that, Harry noticed a piss-pot full of red-headed Brady Bunch-like freaks sitting at the table, one of them being Percy. Nearly squirting his ass all over the floor, Harry asked Bong "What is Percy doing at your house, he is holding you all hostage?" "Dude, I told ya he's my bro" Bong replied, thinking Harry had caught amnesia. "What, you expect me to remember anything about Percy? He scares the hell out of me!" Suddenly, two identical dorks came up to Harry, offering him drugs and a potion to turn him into a homicidal axe-wielding maniac in voices that sounded disturbingly similar to Dr. Gottfried. "Who the fuck are you guys?" Harry asked them. "Hi, I'm Gred, and this guy standing next to me that looks exactly like me is Forge, nice to meet ya!". "Who's that bitch staring at me with binoculars?" Harry asked again. "Oh, that's Gin, we call her Ginny though. She's been staring at you through those things ever since you guys pulled up with the flying car" the identical guys replied. Bong's dad decided to stick his nose into their conversation and added in "I bought that flying car off Katie Paul at work, it was the best 10,000 pounds I've ever spent!" Art then began yelling viciously at his wife and said "Polly, you fat whore, how soon is dinner gonna be ready?!" "I really like your mom Bong, she has the same name as that Nirvana song!" Harry said. "Don't talk about that song, it's on Nevermind." Bong said as he glared. "But Nevermind was a great record man." Harry replied, unsure of why Bong was dissing on that album. Bong's mum screamed back and said "Dinner's almost ready you cunts!" in a weird British accent very aggressively. By this point, Percy had finally noticed Harry and began to reach for his bit of wood, and doing so got him punched in the face by Art. "You know you're not allowed to use your wood in the house!" Art said as he punched Percy so hard that it made Sharon Osbourne's to Ozzy punch look like nothing. "Is dinner almost done? I'm friggin' starved, I didn't get to eat anything today!" Harry yelled in at Polly. "IT'S DONE YOU FUCKING CUNTS!" was yelled in reply. Polly then brought dinner out, which was nachos. Art interrupted and said "Hold on, since we're having nachos, I need to go put on the Primus record!" so he went and put on the album Sailing the Seas of Cheese and they listened to it while they ate dinner. They talked about various topics at the table, like how Art originally looked like a red-headed Dave Grohl but got wizard plastic surgery to look like John Lydon after he got into Public Image Ltd and other stuff that was really, really stupid. After the Primus record was over and they were done eating, the famly's owl began to fly towards the window, only to smash into it and fall to the ground. "GET THE FUCKING MAIL PERCY, BEFORE I PUNCH YOU AGAIN!" Art yelled. Harry then asked Bong what was wrong with the owl (of course adding his signature "GOD!" at the end). "His name is Tom, he has a frontal-lobe injury that they tried to cure with wizard shock therapy but it just made everything worse, that's why he's so stupid." "Oooooh, thooooossse!" Harry replied. "Apparently we're supposed to go back to Hogfarts now, 'cuz Drugwhore says it's after midnight so the Halloween break is over" Percy said coming in while reading the mail. "That sucks, I haven't even been on break for 12 hours!" Harry complained. "Alright then, we need to get all you cunts to the fireplace" Polly said. "Why, are we gonna catch Santa or something?" Harry asked. "No, we need to go to Buyabong Alley, Dave Grohl's gonna be signing stuff at Porridge and Blatz!" Polly answered. "Oh my god, DAVE GROHL?! THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME!" Harry screamed like a rabid fangirl. "Okay, we're gonna use this flu-powder to get there. You have to say where you're going very clearly or you'll end up somewhere completely different, like in China or some other commie country!" Art added. They made Bong go first to show Harry how it's done, but when it came time for Harry to do it, he fucked it up anyway by saying "I masturbated an elephant!" because he's a total idiot. "What did he say?" Polly asked Art. "It sounded like 'I masturbated an elephant'"
Because of Harry's stupidity, he ended up in some place even more dusty/moldy than the Enchanted Forest haunted house. He jumped up in a panic, screaming "Where the fuck am I? GOD!" Harry noticed an animatronic Halloween candy dish (you know, the ones with the hand that grabs you). Like an idiot, he stuck his hand in there to get some candy and the animatronic then grabbed a hold of him. Harry struggled to break loose of the mosterous grip for 30 minutes, until it lost its grip and Hashpipe arrived. "What the fuck are you doing here Harry?! Ya lookin' to get fucked down here? This is Fukturn Alley!" Hashpipe said. "No, I wanted to go to Buyabong Alley and I was using flu-powder but I panicked like a freak and said 'I masturbated an elephant'." "Well let's get ya outta here Jerry, nobody wants to see you down here." On their way to Porridge and Blatz, Hashpipe said "Oh by the way, are you a race car driver Jerry? I've been listening to this Primus record Sailing the Seas of Cheese ever since my Crucifucks record went missing, just curious." "No, and it's Harry." Outside of Porridge and Blatz, they ran into Harmonica, who was also going to see Dave Grohl. Upon going inside, they found Polly fangirling even worse than Harry. Ginny, still staring at Harry with binoculars, said "Hi!" Harry did not reply like a jerk and shoved her out of the way to quickly meet Mr. Grohl himself. "Oh, it's Harry Pothead! Since you're such a good fan, I want you to have all my albums and books, and especially my autobiography Big Me. And don't use my buggle name, my wizard name is Killroy Lockjaw." Dave Grohl said to Harry. "Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Gro---I mean, Lockjaw." Harry, walking away, said "God, he's such an asshole in person" under his breath. "Gimme those books, I'm gonna have them signed you cunts!" Polly said. On his way out, he ran into Drago Fukboy again. "So, did you and your friends get off on leaving me out in the forest being eaten by a dog for two weeks, huh?" he said. "Oh yeah, that's what Hashpipe must have forgot!" Harry replied with a shit-eating grin. As Drago tried to beat up Harry, Ginny ran up and said very angrily "Get away from Harry, he's mine." "Oh look Pothead, you've got yourself a cum-dump." Drago replied. "Well at least I got one, I don't see you with one. Oh yeah, that's because you wanna do me!" "No I don't, don't know what you're talking about, I just haven't found the right girl. Anyway, wait until my father hears about this!" Drago's dad then popped out of nowhere like the devil and just the mere sight of his face made Art double his fists and charge at him. "It's that Loserass guy from work, I wanna kill him, let me kill him!" Art screamed as his entire family (excluding Ginny, Polly and Percy) was restraining him. "Dad, we don't want you going to Asskabin!" Bong said. "Hello Mr. Pothead, it's so nice to meet you." Loserass said as he made a grab for Harry's junk. "Eew, don't touch my cock man, GROSS!" Harry replied in retaliation. Acting like nothing out of the ordinary had just taken place, Loserass started to play with Ginny's bag like a queer, but he gave it back after Art whipped out his .357 Magnum. In a very snooty British accent, Loserass said "Fine, I'll leave you lower-middle class wizards to your own devices. Come Drago, we don't want to catch anything deadly from these poor, pathetic wizards." "Right you are dad, let's get out of here!" Drago said as he stuck his tongue out like Gene Simmons. The two assholes left the building, and everyone's mood improved. It suddenly cuts to them at the platform thing, getting ready to go back to Hogfarts. First Percy got on the train, followed by Gred and Forge, then Ginny, but it would not let Harry and Bong get on for some reason. "It's like some kinda force field or something, woah!" Harry said as he put his hands to the "invisible wall". "Ooh, so that's what an invisible wall looks like, AWESOME!" Bong said. Before the butt-fuck brigade could think of something intelligent to do about their predicament, the train took off so fast that it made O.J. Simpson's Bronco look like it was driven by an old lady. "Holy shit, what are we gonna do now Harry?" "Where are your parents right now?" Harry asked. "Oh, he's across the street getting his PIL shit signed, and mum's buying more flu-powder at another store across the street." "I got an idea!" Harry shouted with excitement. "What is it Harry? It better not be another 'Oh, let's get past Corbin' idea." "Hell no Bong, we're gonna steal THE FLYING CAR while your damn parents aren't looking, what do ya think?" Harry said. "Uh, I don't know Harry, mom and dad might cut my balls off." "But 'cmon man, THE FLYING CAR!" Bong decided to give in and the two stole the car successfully. Unfortunately, neither of them really knew how to drive (they only had their permits), let alone a FLYING car. "Hey, let's listen to some Foo Fighters!" Harry suggested. "Well, alright, but play one without Pat, like There Is Nothing Left to Lose or something" Bong replied. Harry followed Bong's advice and played "Learn to Fly" (since they were flying and all). They flew and flew trying to find way to Hogfarts, hitting an airplane, a witch or two and many birds, and they crashed through a total of 15 buildings (including the EMI building). "Hey Bong, is there like some way to make this thing invisible or something? I think that's an army plane behind us." Harry asked. "OH FUCK YOU'RE RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA DIE, WE'RE GONNA DIE! I ALWAYS KNEW THE GOVERNMENT WOULD KILL ME ONE OF THESE DAYS, I JUST DIDN'T THINK THAT WOULD BE RIGHT NOW!" Bong yelled in fright. Just as the military plane was about to fire a missile, Bong found the invisibility button. They finally made it to Hogfarts and lost the army planes, only to crash into a giant willow tree on the school grounds. "Wow, good thing this willow broke our fall!" Bong said as the tree's limbs began to move all around them. It began to thrash the car, hitting it and breaking all the windows (not to mention fucking up the paint job). "HARRY DO SOMETHING, I DON'T WANNA DIE. I ALWAYS HAD THE FEELING I'D GET KILLED BY A HORNY, HOMICIDAL TREE IF NOT THE GOVERNMENT!" Bong screamed as he soiled his jeans. After several minutes of being molested by the tree, the car finally broke loose of its hold. Once they were on the ground, the car got angry and threw the duo out (along with all their possessions) through the wind-shield after only two minutes of driving. Bong's fat ass landed on his own bong, breaking it instantly. "No worries, I'll fix that tomorrow" Harry reassured him. McGoogoogoggles then came marching out like an elephant that had just taken shrooms and dragged both of them by the ear up to Rape's office. "YOU WERE SEEN BY 70,000 BUGGLES. WE HAD TO CONVINCE THEM THAT THEIR FOOD WAS LACED WITH LSD. YOU COULD HAVE EXPOSED OUR SECRET SOCIETY! AND OF ALL BUILDINGS, YOU JUST HAD TO CRASH INTO EMI!" Rape screamed while shoving a newspaper with them on it in Harry's face. "Eh who cares? EMI's never signed any good bands." Bong replied. Harry pulled the newspaper out of his face and added "That Sex Pistols record is awesome, but besides that yeah", to which Bong agreed. "I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE THE SEX PISTOLS OR DURAN DURAN, THAT WAS A BAD IDEA." Rape exclaimed. "Well we wouldn't have had to do that if your fuckin' trains weren't faulty!" Bong said. Harry then piped-in and said to Rape "No, ya know what's really faulty? Your stupid stairs. And ya know what else is faulty? Your face!" "WHAT WAS THAT?! FOUR BILLION, BILLION, BILLION POINTS FROM SNIFFENWHORE!" "Stick it up your ass!" Harry viciously replied. Rape began contemplating murdering the two when Drugwhore came in and threatened to fire him if he followed through with his plan. Drugwhore then told McGoog to turn into a Quacking Quackeroo and take the two to the Sniffenwhore common room.
It suddenly cuts to the next day and them at drug class where they were planting medical wizard marijuana. There, the teacher started to babble about medical wizard marijuana and Harry asked her who the fuck she was. "Oh, I'm Prof. Mary Jane" she answered before going on to explain that you must plant the medical wizard marijuana with a blind-fold on or you will die by looking at the roots. Suddenly, there was a big thump and Mary Jane said "Great, who was the moron that didn't put their blindfold on? That would be the 27th student to die in my class!" ShamWow lifted up his blindfold and said "It was Sniffle, but I think he just passed out from all the drugs we did at that party last night." Mary Jane replied with "Eh just leave him there for now but I want you to cart his ass out of here before the end of class or I will have Rape come with a .357 Magnum and shoot everyone!" Everyone agreed out of fear of the infamous gun of Rape's. Harry then whispered to Bong "Trust me it's really painful, I got shot with it not even a week ago". After drug class and carting Sniffle back to the common room, Drugwhore screamed over the wizard intercom "I have a important announcement to make so get to the great hall in 5 minutes before I put you in the dungeon so Feltcher can have his way with you!" Everyone in the castle hurried in a panicked state to the great hall, only to find that Drugwhore wasn't even there. To pass the time, Harry decided to read Lockjaw's autobiography Big Me. "This guy's a phony, it says here that Nirvana had 4 albums, everyone knows they only did 3!" Harry shouted. Bong tried to reassure him by bringing up that he may have been including Incesticide. "Maybe so, but it's still fishy." After about 20 minutes, Drugwhore finally arrived said "I'm happy to announce since Queero was bludgeoned to death mysteriously that our new defense against the dark tarts teacher is Killroy Lockjaw, better known to buggles and wizards alike as Dave Grohl!" The room roared with applause the second Dave Grohl's name was mentioned. but Harry did not as he was still believing he might be a fraud. Suddenly, a weird Japanese kid came out of nowhere, said "Hi Harry!" in a really thick accent and took 15-20 pics before Harry could even blink. "Who the fuck are you?" Harry asked with a face of surprise. "Oh so sorry I the new Japanese exchange student Toshiro Nakamura I rearry big fan!" Harry, pretending to care, said "Nice to meet you" in a very half-assed tone, and then the mail came.
Bong identified his owl right away by the bandage on his head and screamed "Oh shit, I think my parents found out we stole the car, I'm sure they're sending me a wizard letterbomb! I don't want to die yet!" "Eh your parents are too retarded to know that we stole it, it's probably a Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes thing" Harry said trying to calm down his panicked crying friend. Once Tom crash-landed into the table (and put a hole in it) and dropped the letter, Bong picked it up and after taking one glance at it, he said "Did I say letterbomb? No, this is much worse!" "Hey look, Weasel was sent a Princess Leia hologram thing!" ShamWow said, just being a prick and sticking his nose into things. Sniffle also decided to throw out his two-cents-worth and added "I'm so sorry Bong, I got one of those from my grandma once, it was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen." Everyone just made a face at Sniffle and Bong reluctantly clicked the button to get the message, shaking worse than Michael J. Fox. The "Princess Leia hologram thing" was Bong's mum brutally stabbing a dead pig in the neck saying "WE HAD TO GET A RIDE FROM JOHN LYDON THANKS TO YOU STEALING THE FLYING CAR AND IF YOU EVEN DO SOMETHING SO LITTLE AS SHIT YOUR PANTS THE NEXT THING I WILL BE STABBING IN THE NECK IS YOU!!" After stabbing the pig enough that she looked like the star of a Sam Peckinpah movie (and for its head to fall off), she suddenly sounded like a completely different person told Ginny "Me and your dad were so happy you made Sniffenwhore that we spent 2,000 pounds to throw a party when you get your next break and BONG WILL NOT GET ANY OF THE PARTY FOOD, HE'LL EAT DOG FOOD FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS!!". The hologram then exploded, putting a even larger hole in the table than Tom's crash landing, and it suddenly cuts again to Lockjaw's (or should I say Dave Grohl's) DADT class. There, he gave a stupid speech about everything he's done: "Hello ladies and gentlemen, I'm Killroy Lockjaw, or also known as Dave Grohl. Former drummer of bands like Nirvana, Scream, Queens of the Stone Age, and Killing Joke, currently the lead singer/guitarist of the Foo Fighters, avenger of Kurt Cobain's tragic death by killing Courtney Love, and dubbed 'the nicest guy in rock'!" "Courtney Love's dead?" Bong asked Harry, to which he replied by just shrugging his shoulders and saying "Who cares anyway?" Lockjaw/Mr. Grohl gave the students the assignment of exorcising demonic entities, which were (in Lockjaw's words) the "most horrid band in the world: The Pixies!", where the members were shrunk down to the size of an actual pixy and locked in a birdcage. "But Dave Grohl loves the Pixies, what the fuck? He was wearing their shirt at the Paramount Theater show." Harry said to Bong under his breath. "Oh, he was? I never noticed, 'cuz whenever I watch that show my mom's always like 'fast-forward it to the parts where he isn't wearing a shirt', even though I'm all like 'no, I wanna hear 'Jesus Doesn't Want Me for a Sunbeam'!" Bong replied. Lockjaw told them to exorcise the demons by using the spell "kids take meth it's good for you!", but the spell was bogus and only provoked them. They smashed open their cage by using Joey's guitar as a battering ram and Frank randomly picked Sniffle out of all the students in the room and hung him on the chandelier ('cuz Frank Black can fly anyway, right?). Lockjaw then decided to be a pussy, said "I wish you guys luck, bye!" and ran out of the room like a drunk frat boy. After about 30 minutes of The Pixies causing chaos, the idea came to Bong to pull out his bass and play one of the band's songs, hoping to exorcise them. He decided to play the band's best-known hit "Here Comes Your Man" and they just forgot everything that happened, reverted to normal size and began playing the song themselves (it worked). By the time this happened though, the room had already looked like Hurricane Sandy hit it and Sniffle blurted out "Why does this shit always happen to me?" Once all that was over and done with, the Sniffenwhore Spinage team (dubbed Metal Militia) had booked time on the field to practice where they were confronted by the Slideitin Spinage team (dubbed Symphony of Destruction), who argued that it was their time to use to the field. "Um no it isn't, I have written permission by Drugwhore for us to practice." Morgan Wood told them. "Well fuck what he says, we wanna practice, so we're gonna practice!" Drago replied, who had recently been added to SOD. Harry had just noticed Drago ('cuz he's an idiot and doesn't pay attention to that kinda thing) and said "Wait, you play Spinage?" "Yep, my dad bought us all this nice stuff, I bet it's better than yours!" "Tell your dad to go suck a cock!" Harry viciously said in response to Drago's comments. All the Spinage players just gasped at Harry's offensive remark when Bong and Harmonica arrived on the scene, and that's where things just went from bad to total shitstorm. Harmonica and Drago exchanged words so bad that they will not be mentioned here in fear of alienating our possible fanbase. At the end of Drago's rant, he decided to call Harmonica a "filthy little Seattleite" just to be a meany. Bong got so pissed at Drago's derogatory insult and cast the spell for him to eat "cum and diarrhea", but the spell backfired and Bong began spewing cum and diarrhea out of his mouth like a fountain. That Japanese dude showed up and, again, took like 30 pictures and said "This would make great anime!" when Harry screamed "Get outta my way Toshi, GOD!". They decided to take Bong to Hashpipe's house, figuring he'd be the one to know how to get cum and diarrhea out of your mouth.
On his way in, Bong puked on Hashpipe's new tile floor when Harry said "Hey, that looks like oatmeal pizza!" Although Hashpipe didn't know how to stop it (unless Bong wanted to eat Balrog pubic hairs and of course he didn't), he gave him a bucket to puke in until the curse wore off. "Who the hell did Bong try to put that curse on anyway?" Hashpipe asked. "Fukboy, he called Harmonica a... what was it again?" Harry answered. "He called me a Seattleite." "Oh no he didn't!" Hashpipe exclaimed. Harry then asked what the hell it meant anyway, and Harmonica told him "it's someone who's from Seattle, someone like me." "Wait, you're from Seattle?! Oh my god, you gotta show me Kurt Cobain's house!" Harry said, which resulted in Harmonica punching him in the face and breaking his glasses. "I don't like Seattle, it rains too much" Bong added (while vomiting), and then she shoved his head into the barf bucket. "Man those Fukboys, they hate anyone who comes outta there. I heard they've even killed people for simply being from Seattle. They think they're so much better than everyone else 'cuz they're from Detroit." Hashpipe said. "That's horrible!" Harry said about them killing people (or maybe about them being from Detroit, you decide!). Bong, just having to chime in, said "It's disgusting!" while vomiting again. Meanwhile, Harmonica looked like she was about to cry like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit and Hashpipe told her "I don't care if you're from Seattle or Ulaanbataar. I mean, there isn't any wizard around today who doesn't at least have one relative in Seattle. Can you think of any spell that Hamonica can't do if ya know what I mean! Come here and sit on my lap, I always wanted to be Santa." Harmonica shouldn't have, but she went and sat on his lap anyway, and Hashpipe added "Don't you think you suck just because you're from Seattle for one minute. Don't listen to the Fukboys, they can just lick my fat hairy balls!" Later that night, Mr. Grohl/Lockjaw made Harry sign some of his fanmail for detention ('cuz of the whole flying car thing), which he did for 4 hours straight: no bathroom breaks, no food, no drinks, no nothing. "Hey, I sent this letter to ya 10 years ago, why is it just arriving on your desk now, GOD!" Harry said. Lockjaw wrote it off by telling him the post office was faulty. Just as Harry was about to argue against that (as he had gotten tons of response letters from Krist Novoselic), he heard a strange noise in the distance and a whisper that sounded like it was saying "I hope you get cancer and die you fucking retarded dicksucking pisscunt, go to hell and burn in acid napalm, I wish I could clone 6 million of you and kill every single one of you in a second Holocaust" "Holy shit did you hear that Mr. Groh- I mean, Lockjaw?" Harry said as he just about squirted his ass again. "Nope, sorry Harry, I was too busy listening to The Eagles." Lockjaw responded as he was taking his ear buds out. "I swear to Kurt Cobain that I heard this shit-fuck scary voice say 'I hope you get cancer and die you fucking retarded dicksucking pisscunt, go to hell and burn in acid napalm, I wish I could clone 6 million of you and kill every single one of you in a second Holocaust' to me." "Well Harry, many wizards under intense circumstances hear weird voices telling them to die, yeah. Oh, I almost forgot, I umm, left the toaster oven on, and if I don't go turn it off, the whole castle's gonna burn down. Thus detention's over, bye!" Lockjaw said as HE nearly squirted his ass all over Harry, fleeing for the safety of his room. "It's about damn time, GOD! Detention sucks DICK!" Harry screamed as he left his seat and proceeded to go back to the common room. On the way, he spewed more verbal vomit to himself such as "'Nicest guy of rock' my ass, GOD! I'd rather hang out with Billy Corgan, GOD! GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD!" Suddenly, there was a rumble from within the walls. At first Harry thought they were finally giving in to all the wild frat boy parties, drug parties, and topless girl sleepovers, but he discovered that was not the case when he heard "CANCER, CANCER!" whispered to him over and over again. He followed the voices down countless corridors until he ran head-first into Bong and Harmonica, knocking all 3 of them flat on their ass. "Harry what the hell do you think you're doing? Watch where your going!" Harmonica said as she stood up rubbing her ass (ya know, from the pain, but it still gave Bong wood). Bong tried to throw in his two-cents worth (if he had two cents that is), but he was too distracted by Harmonica's ass that he only managed to throw out "What she said." "Hey, were any of you assholes singing 'Heart-Shaped Box'? Ya know, the 'I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black' shit?" Harry asked them. "NO, we were definitely singing 'Good Old Mountain Dew'. That's a Womenfolk song, in case you were stupid and didn't know." Harmonica said. "Man I love Mountain Dew! Wait, that means there's some other freak singin' 'bout cancer in this damn castle? We're the only ones that can sing about cancer here, us and Sniffle. That muthafucka was singin' in Grohl's office too!" "Um Harry, I think it's Lockjaw now." Bong butted in. "Whatever! Anyway, I think it's gonna give someone cancer so we gotta follow it and kill it, or at least sue it." They decided to follow the voices which led up to where Chuck Norris's seemingly-lifeless body was hung up on the wall with a pair of underwear. The hall was flooded with toilet water chin-high and the message "Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle" was written in blood (on the ceiling). Suddenly, all the other twerps and teachers came swimming up to the scene. That Toshi guy immediately took out his camera and took like 150 pictures in like 15 seconds, until ShamWow confiscated the camera. Drago, looking at the message, said "Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle? Looks like you're gonna die, Seattleite!" to Harmonica. Harmonica just glared in retaliation. Feltcher pushed his way through the floating crowd and said "What's all this then? Nobody's gonna be dyin' without me watchin'! I love me a good bloody death. The death cries are like orgasms to my ears an-", he stopped and noticed Chucky's body. "YOU KILLED MY PUTTY TAT!" Feltcher exclaimed. "Um, asshole, I didn't touch the cat. I mean, did you NOT see the message on the ceiling? GOD!" "How do I know you're NOT that tall? You could've done a spell!" Feltcher added as he grabbed Harry's throat and dunked his head into the water, intending on killing him. Everybody in the crowd just laughed as they watched (including his "best friends") and that's when Drugwhore came in with his SPAS-12 and shoved it up Feltcher's nose to get him to stop (ya know, like Evil Dead and shit). He then shot the floor instead to lower the water level and bring things back to normal. "Everybody, get back to the FUCKING common rooms, and all the teachers get back to the FUCKING teacher's lounge NOW! The king has spoken!" Drugwhore said as he waved around that SPAS-12 like a drunken cowboy. "Did I say everybody? I meant everybody but the 3 main FUCKING characters, we need to interrogate them." The teacher's interrogated them, and very harshly I might add, although Drugwhore didn't allow Feltcher to get involved (thank God). "Don't worry Feltcher, Chuck ain't FUCKING dead yet, but she does have Spiral Meningitis. Therefore, she will be rushed to Dr. Gottfried's." Drugwhore said as he patted Feltcher on the back for comfort. "Spiral Meningitis? That isn't even a REAL disease! She's OBVIOUSLY just petrified!" Harmonica added in, folding her arms and rolling her eyes like the know-it all smarty-pants that she is. Trying to be as pretentious as possible, Mr.Grohl/Lockjaw stated "Petrified! Oh, damn! If only I had been there, I could have saved this poor feline, with my trusty bass that I used in Nirvana." This comment raised Harry's suspision, "Dave FUCKING Grohl? with a BASS?! This can't be THE Dave Grohl!" he thought to himself. He did remember that Dave Grohl DID play Krist Novoselic's bass at Nirvana's Unplugged performance, making him feel a little better but, regardless, he just couldn't help feeling uneasy about Lockjaw. While the trio went up the not-so-faulty elevator, they discussed Harry's schizophrenic demon that was whispering about "cancer". He said to them "I'm not schizo, every wizard hears demons sometimes, right?". "No Harry, wizards don't regularly hear voices like that, with the exception of Hashpipe, but I think he's actually schizophrenic. Anyways, Harry, this is not a good sign." Harmonica replied. "Yeah, don't tell anyone about it Harry, except for us 'cuz we're your pals, but if you tell anyone else they'll lock you up in the Institute for the Wizardly Insane. All the famous bad wizards were there for at least one point in their lives. Let's see, Voltagefart was there, Saruman the White, Lanfear, the Wicked Witch of the West, the White Witch, Oprah Winfrey, the list goes on!" Bong added. Harry then told them that he definitely would not want to be in a cell with the Wicked Witch of the West and the gang moved on their way and went to bed.
The next day, they went to McGoogoogoggles' class to learn how to turn animals into hookahs. McGoog turned her pet chimpanzee into a hookah as a demonstration and then asked who wanted to go first. Not wanting to wait a mere 3 seconds, she chose Bong to go. He had this really ugly rat that had like 11 fingers and he tried so hard to turn it into a hookah, but since his bong was faulty (like the stairs), it just turned into the SHAPE of a hookah and he got an 'F'. Harmonica then raised her hand and wanted to know what the significance of the phrase "Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle" was. "It's a Nirvana song. Ya know, 'I miss the comfort in being sa-'!" Harry said. He was interrupted by McGoogoogoggles, who told him that he would get an 'F' as well if he didn't shut his pile-hole and then she explained. "You all know that Hogfarts was founded 45 million years ago right? By the 4 greatest witches and wizards of the time: Sammich Sniffenwhore, Hoser Huffnpuff, Redherring Ravinbong, and Sleazebag Slideitin. 3 of them didn't care who the hell got admitted to the school as long as they could use magic, but one did." "I bet ya it was Sleazebag, you know those Slideitin guys!" Bong whispered to Harry. "Pipe down Weasel or you'll get another 'F'!" McGoog said, and then she continued: "Sleazebag Slideitin wanted to only admit people from Detroit and wanted to kill anyone from Seattle. Everyone else told him to fuck off, so he decided to just quit. And according to legend, Sleazebag built a secret meth lab somewhere in the school, dubbed 'The Secret Stash'. And shortly before leaving, he sealed off the meth lab until the time when one of his descendants would come and open it. Only his stupid descendants can open it and let loose the ugly-ass monster he put there to kill anyone from Seattle. Naturally, the school has been searched many times, but all of us teachers are always too high or drunk to find it." "What does legend tell us is in the stash?" Harmonica asked. "I just told you, you stupid bitch: an ugly-ass monster and a meth lab" McGoog replied, and then it cuts to them randomly in the hallway where Bong starts up a conversation with "Do you think there really is a 'Secret Stash'? I mean, with all that meth we could make millions!" "Couldn't you tell you stupid moron? McGoogoogoggles looked like she was about to crap a castle, and so did every other teacher when they saw the message." Harmonica said. Harry replied with "If there really is a Secret Stash and it's been opened then-" "That means one of Sleazebag's stupid moronic descendants opened it and we're all gonna die. The question is, who is it?" Harmonica interrupted. "Isn't obvious? A guy who loves everyone from Detroit and hates everyone from Seattle? It's Drago Fukboy." Bong said. "No way, he's too intellectially-devoid." Harmonica replied. "Maybe Bong's right, I mean, the whole Fukboy family's been in the Slideitin house for like a million years!" Harry said. Bong then added "Crap and Gargle must know, maybe we can threaten them with Rape's Magnum to tell us." "Jesus Bong, they're too stupid to know their own names. But there is another way, but we'd be breaking practically every rule and possibly be thrown in Asskabin, and it will be disgusting. Very disgusting." Harmonica said. They then went to the library where, after countless hours of searching though books, Harmonica found Most Disgusting Potions. "Here it is, the Peckerjuice Potion. If not made with your head up your ass, it will allow you to temporarily turn into someone else." she told the other two. "You mean if me and Harry drink that disgusting crap we'll turn to Crap and Gargle? AWESOME! Fukboy will tell us anything!" "Exactly, but it's horrible. I've never seen a more disgusting potion." "Well how long will it take to make?" Harry asked. "Just under a week, but we have to get their pubic hairs, hence the name." "Are you shittin' me? I mean, in less than a week the whole school could get hit by a second Holocaust. Plus, how the hell are we gonna get their pubic hairs, GOD!" (you don't need to know who said that) "Well, I do have this red lingerie I could use." "Wait, you're gonna let them bone you? I expected more of you!" Harry exclaimed. Bong then raised his hand and said "Those of us in favor of Harmonica having sex with them and us watching, raise your hand." Harry raised his hand as well and said to Harmonica "I guess you're having sex with them." "Will this be your first time?" Bong asked, which resulted in her hitting him in the face with the book. "Does that mean yes? Ya know, once for yes, twice for no?" She then quit hitting him, just made a mad face and walked off. Bong walked after her screaming "Is that a maybe then?" "How can it be a maybe man? Either you have or you haven't, GOD!" It then cuts to the next day as Harry was preparing himself for his first Spinage match. It was the Metal Milita against the Symphony of Destruction, and the band that was going to perform was Ravinbong's. The Ravinbong band featured Luna on bass (you don't know her, but she'll appear sometime in the near future), Sumting Wong on vocals (same goes for her), a drum machine, and some unknown sleazebag on guitar (don't know his name, so we'll just call him Pat) and they were gonna play some Anthrax covers. Back to the Militia, just before they were about to enter the field, Harry asked Morgan "So what am I doing? All you told me was that I was the sneaker or something and that I was a weiner." "Well yeah you're a weiner, but you're the SEEKER! Your job is to catch the Golden Bitch before the Symphony does. There's two other types of balls: one called the Burger that looks like a burger, and we don't have a name for the other ball so we just call it 'the other ball'." "Oh okay thanks. So how dangerous is this game?" Harry said, asking more questions than a 4-year-old. Before Morgan could even open his mouth, Harry heard two familiar voices explain it to him. "Somebody at least goes into a 5-year coma once a game" they said in unison. Then, out of the blue and no explanation, those identical dudes from Bong's family, Gred and Forge, walked up to Harry suited up as if they were gonna play Spinage as well. "Are you guys playing Spinage too?" Harry asked them. They both replied in unison with "Of course, we're the meat-beaters! Our job is to fend off the demonic burgers so less people die!" The doors opened to the field, and Harry was so scared that he was about to hide behind Morgan Wood and pee his pants. Both of the idiotic teams flew to their sides of the field, and the game began!
We're gonna take the part of the announcer here:
Sniffenwhore scored 10 points right off! Slideitin were cheating like bastards! Somebody hit the Burger towards Morgan Wood and it knocked his head off and he died! Sniffenwhore scored another 20 points! Slideitin made a come back and scored 40 points by cheating, oh wait, they scored another 30 points by cheating! Harry was flying around like a chicken without a head! Drago called Harry a "chicken wuss" and flew off! The burger got mad and it caught on fire and it chased after Harry!
We're going to the crowd for a second...
"That burger must be faulty, those Slideitin bastards musta paid somebody off to do that!" Hashpipe yelled. Bong picked up his obviously-broken bong (that was held together with duct-tape) and said "I'll save you Harry!" "No you stupid moron, you'll probably just kill Harry" Harmonica said as she slapped the bong out of his hand.
Back to the announcer shit:
The burger was still after Harry! Drago screamed at Harry again with these exact words: "Training to be a figure-skater Pothead?" What a stupid fuck, the Golden Bitch was right next to him and he didn't even notice! Harry noticed it and then Drago chased Harry down and started punching Harry in the face! We lost them, they were underneath the crowdstands! We heard breaking! Some weird Asian kid took pictures of it and showed us later! They resurfaced and Drago fell to the ground and broke his ballsack (thank God, we didn't want any of his babies hangin' around). Harry's arm got broken by the Burger! It looked like we had a second casualty, Harry fell to the ground and blood was gushing from his eye-socket!
Back to the regular book stuff (for real this time):
Harry ripped the Golden Bitch out of his eye socket and won the game for Sniffenwhore. In a panic, all of his friends (what friends you say? well go with it!) rushed to his aid and, before they could get there, the Burger made a comeback and tired to kill him. Harmonica made it there in the nick of time, just before the Burger smashed into his face, and destroyed it with a magic spell. The parts just went flying everywhere and hit Harry in the stomach, and then Grohl/Lockjaw arrived. "Don't worry Harry, I'll fix your arm up right away! Then I'll get to that eye" he told Harry. Harry responded with a seriously scared look on his face and said "No, not you, I'd rather take Hashpipe's help over yours." "He doesn't know what he's saying, he's got amnesia" Lockjaw told the rest of the crowd that had gathered around by that point. He was about to use the "Abbazabba" curse on him (the one that kills people), but did not say the last syllable as he was interrupted by Hashpipe screaming "No, not that one you fucking moron!" Hashpipe then shoved Lockjaw out of the way and proceeded to take him to Dr. Gottfried's. While in the doctor's office, Drago was whining like a bitch with Crap and Gargle at his side like it was their wife in that bed. "Shut up you fuckhole, it's just a ballsack injury!" Dr. Gottfried said as he was racing to Harry (who had more visitors than Drago). Initially, Gottfried mistook Bong for Harry (for some reason) and exclaimed "Jesus, this kid looks like he's already dead! Why didn't you just take him to the morge?" "Um, I'm not Harry, he's the one in the bed bleeding from his eye socket." "Oh right, I was just testing you!" After getting a brief glimpse of Harry, Gottfried yelled "Jesus, the kid who's really dying looks like he just came outta Iraq! I mean, his EYE is missing and he has third-degree burns on his left arm and it's also broken!" "Are you gonna be able to fix his eye Dr. Gottfried?" Harmonica asked. "I'll be able to do it, but I'll have to call up Dr. Hong at our Wizarding Doctor Training Center in Los Angeles. I can fix the arm right now though, just drink this!" Harry drank the cup full of a glowing green substance and spit it out right away. "Eew, this tastes worse than the hunks of fat the Scurveys fried up for me using piss as the sauce, GOD!" "What, you expect something that's good for you to TASTE good? I mean, everyone knows the stuff that's good for you tastes like crap. My unborn children even know it, so quit your whining and drink the whole bottle!" Gottfried told him. Later that night, Harry was laying in his hospital bed feeling sorry for himself (looking like a grunge-rocker) when he heard the creepy voice again saying the same old stuff. He looked down and suddenly there was this humanish-looking monkey in his face that said "Hello, I'm Doobie, the house monkey!" "Who?!" Harry asked him. "Harry Pothead should have listened to me when I told him not to come to school." "You never told me shit, I've never seen you before in my life!" "Oh, well I guess I forgot to tell you that. I lived under your bed at the Scurveys'!" "You lived under a pile of newspapers? So that's where all my stuff went, you were playing with it weren't you!" Doobie just replied "Yep!" with a shit-eating grin and then added "And you shouldn't have come to school when you couldn't get on the train!" "So you're the ugly bastard that put the force-field around the train. Me and Bong had to use his parents' flying car and we almost got thrown in Asskabin thanks to you!" "You should go home! I thought my burger would make you wanna go!" Doobie told him. "You basically almost got me killed by LOCKJAW?!" "It's okay Harry, I punished myself by dropping a safe on my head." "You better make like a tree and get outta here right now before Gottfried comes back with my new eye and I kill you!" Harry threatened. Doobie jumped off his bed in fear and just said "WWWWWOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHHH!" as he fell to the floor. He got up and just said so casually "It's okay Harry, Doobie gets threatened with death over 50 times a day at my master's house." "Wait, you're a slave? Why do you hate my guts and want me dead?" "I don't hate Harry Pothead, Doobie was only trying to protect him 'cuz Harry Pothead is a teen idol to all the house monkeys everywhere! We were treated like complete crap before you killed that guy that we can't say the name of, but of course Doobie's still treated like crap." Doobie then started crying like a little girl and started blowing his nose on his ragetty-ass shirt that he bought at a ghetto clothes shop over in Compton. "Why do you wear that ghetto garb?" Harry asked him. "It means that us house monkeys are getting put down by the man. Doobie could only be freed if his master brings him clean underwear. Anyways, this school is going to shit, Harry Pothead must not stay here before that thing that happened a long time ago happens again!" "You mean this crap's happened before?!" "Woah, I shouldn't have said that!" Doobie said as he disappeared like Skeeter. Hearing people coming, Harry jumped into his bed so they would think he was asleep. He heard Drugwhore say "There's been another attack!" "Who is it now?" Dr. Gottfried asked in a very annoyed tone. "It's Toshiro, I think he's gotten Spiral Meningitis. Maybe he managed to get a picture of his attacker" Harry heard McGoogoogoggles say. Drugwhore then picked up Toshi's camera, which exploded right in his hand and made him look like a burn-victim and said "This is just great, I mean all these kids that are paying for me to fly here from Los Angeles everyday. It's just as we've feared, the Secret Stash has been opened again." Harry just laid still in his bed looking shocked and pathetic.
Once Harry got his new eye, he was discharged from the hospital so him and his pals went to the obsolete little girls' room to make the Peckerjuice Potion. Harmonica started a dumb conversation with "So apparently the stash has been opened before?" "Don't ya see? Loserass had to have done it when he went to school, so it is the Fukboy family!" Bong replied. "Maybe so, but we have to make the Peckerjuice Potion." Bong, about as confused as Harry was in the first chapter at Olivelicker's, said "Speaking of that, why the fuck are we making it in broad daylight in the girls' WC?" "Nobody uses this bathroom anymore." Harmonica replied. "Why? I mean, GOD!" "Because of Macking Megan." "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT, GOD!" Suddenly, some weird ghostly thingy appeared out of nowhere and screamed "I'M MACKING MEGAN!" right in Harry's ugly face. "I know none of you cunts know about me because I'm a long-dead glasses chick." the ghost said while sobbing like a baby. She then freaked out and flew in the toilet, and Harmonica said "She's a little fucked up." It suddenly cuts away to Lockjaw hosting some weird duel thing in the great hall. "Everybody get around the stage thing I put here and watch me kick Rape's ass! I'm doing this to teach you guys how to defend yourself so you don't end up like my dear friend Kurt Copenhagen, who died 'cuz his wife strangled him to death with a sock." Lockjaw said. He threw a drum stick into the audience, which started a small riot over who got it. Trying to be dark and pretentious, Rape walked onto the stage not saying a single word. The beginning of the duel was largely taken up by a 30 minute staring match (ya know, like in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly) but things picked up when Rape cast some spell on Lockjaw that sent him crashing through the window. "Do you think he's still alive?" Harmonica asked, to which Bong replied by screaming "Who gives a fuck?!" Even our buddy Harry was smirking at the obvious phony by this point cutting his ass on broken glass. "I'm alright!" Lockjaw said as he climbed through the window to get even with Rape. "Why don't we teach the students something other than how to throw people through the window, like blocking spells or something." Rape suggested. Lockjaw agreed to this, but pussied out again 'cuz his ass was bleeding profusely and that he needed to check himself into the hospital. But before leaving, he suggested that Harry and Bong get into a bloody fight, to which Rape replied "Don't do Bong, his bong is so damaged that it would cause World War III just by trying to levitate a feather, and it would send Pothead back to Gottfried's in a hand basket. How about I suggest someone from my own house, Drago Fukboy." Drago stepped up onto the stage acting all cool like he was the new teen sensation, blowing kisses to the ladies and throwing his underwear into the audience. This scared Lockjaw severely, causing him to puke up blood, vomit, beer and Slayer albums all at the same time and he said "Good luck Harry!" as he was running out of the room. "EAT A COCK YOU FREAK!" Harry screamed to the phony, to which Drago (even though that's not who Harry was talking to) replied "Oh, so you're still on that kick where you think I'm gay and wanna do you?" "No, I was talking to Lockjaw you stupid bastard!" Harry and Drago then got into similar positions as Rape and Lockjaw and began their duel. They were constantly casting random spells back and forth at each other, and Drago cast a spell called "bacon sauce eater" and summoned a demonic pig. The demonic pig walked towards Harry, and some idiot in the crowd said "I'll stop it!" and cast some spell that just provoked it. It went even more evil and tried to eat Harry's face, but he calmed it down by talking to it in some weird, unidentifyable language (like Chinese and shit, ya know?). Harry had a long in-depth conversation with it, even though no one could understand him everyone could only assume that they were telling each other how their day was going and what bands to check out. Rape, greatly freaked out by this, cast some spell that exploded the pig into several pieces, which resulted in bacon flying everywhere and that ended up being dinner for the night. Stunned at Harry, some random freak in the audience said to him "Hey, what the fuck are you playing at? FREAK!" "Eat a corroded piece of crap FAGGOT!" Harry replied while storming off to the Sniffenwhore common room. Bong and Harmonica followed him and, once they caught up with him, Bong said "Woah, you never told me you could speak Farmanese!" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "You can talk to farm animals, Harry." Harmonica said. "I know, I purposefully sent a huge stampede of cows after my cousin Pudley once, but it was just once, so what?! I'm sure everyone and their brother here can do it!" "No, they can't Harry. Not many people can do it. This is very disturbing." Harmonica told him. "What's disturbing about it? If I didn't tell that pig not to eat my leg, it would have eaten everyone there!" "So that's what you said to it" Bong said, "I thought you were telling it your favorite records or something." "You heard me, you were there, GOD!" "All I heard was you speaking Farmanese, ya know, the farm animal language." Bong said. "I spoke a different language? But I didn't even know. How do I speak a language when I don't consciously do it?" "I don't know Harry, but to me it sounded like you were telling the pig to go kill Drago or something. Listen to me, there's a reason the Slideitin house symbol thing is a barn. Sleazebag Slideitin could speak to farm animals as well." (this sounds so smart and shit that you can pretty much bet it's Harmonica) "Exactly, now everyone's gonna think you're his great, great, great, great, great, great, great grand something or other." Bong said. "But I'm not. It's impossible, GOD!" "He lived 45 million years ago, for all we know, you're one of his ugly descendants." Its cuts away to some fucking class or something that we can't indentify (deal with it), Harry was just sitting there and everyone was staring at him like he was a fucking freak ('cuz he is) and he got up and yelled "What, do I look like the male Lady Gaga or something?! GOD!" He then turned to his "friends" and said "I'm gonna go kill myself, bye guys" and kicked over his chair. "Alright, tell me how it goes!" Bong replied. "But Bong, your best friend just said that he's going to commit suicide. Don't you care?" "No not really, he says that like every day." On his way back to the Sniffenwhore common room, he heard that "cancer" guy again and he began to follow the voice down the hall where he found some weird ghost that strikingly resembled Graham Chapman petrified. Next to him, he found another petrified guy (except he was alive) and said "They never invite me to these drug parties! I'll see if he has any left-over dope on him." Feltcher just happened to walk by as he was doing this and exclaimed "Now I'll get you for what you did to Chuck!" and left. "No, Feltch, I didn't do it, I found him like this, I'm just searching him for drugs!" While Harry was feeling even more suicidal, Feltcher came back with McGoogoogoggles and yelled "See, he killed another, throw him in Asskabin immediately!" "He's lying McGoog, I didn't fucking kill him, I found him like this, GOD!" "I can't handle this!" McGoog said as she grabbed Harry by the ear and dragged him to Drugwhore's office. Once they got there, McGoog set him in front of a weird golden turd statue and said "Drugwhore will be waiting for you now." She then said the magic password "Tit Wrench" and a spiral staircase started to form around the turd. Shaking like Michael J. Fox again, Harry walked up the stairs and into Drugwhore's office where he saw The Snorting Hat. "Did you put me in the right house you shoe-polish-smelling mothafucka?!" Harry asked it. "Yes, I always put you twerps in the right houses. But I still go by the same thing I told you a month ago, you would have done good in Slideitin." "You're wrong, I wouldn't do good in Slideitin, GOD!" Harry then went on his way and walked up to Drugwhore's weird bird pet that exploded as soon as he got within 10 feet of it. Panicked, Harry quickly conjured up a Hefty and started to use Drugwhore's Pedophile of the Year trophy as a shovel. After filling the Hefty with the birds ashes, he began to dig a hole under a nearby desk as Drugwhore walked in. "This isn't what it looks like, I didn't do anything to the bird, I found him like this, I was just trying to do my part for the community by burying it!" "It was about time Bawx blew up, he used to only do it on Mondays and Super Bowl Sundays, but for the past 6 months he's been blowing up every Friday. Except on Friday the 13th, when he blew up on Saturday instead" Drugwhore replied with about as much emotional range as a paperclip. A few seconds later, a thing that looked like a baby chicken popped out of the Hefty. "Phoenixs are nifty, like River and Joaquin, they can act and even take on human shape. But this one's better, this breed can lift billions of pounds at once and their piss has healing powers, not to mention they EXPLODE, WHAT'S NIFTIER THAN THAT?!" Drugwhore said. "Woah, to be that strong he must've been like fuckin' Superman or something" Harry replied. "No, I'm talking about British pounds you moron! How do you think I was able to afford building this school? "I heard a rumor that you cheated at Wizard Gambling and then joined the Wizard Mafia." Before Drugwhore could reply, Hashpipe burst into the room and said "Prof. Drugwhore, it wasn't Harry, it was this dead duck I just shot with my 12-gage, I saw him geting a chihuahua stoned!" "SHUT UP HASHPIPE!" Drugwhore yelled as loud as he could (being as old as he is). "I don't belive that Harry got anyone stoned Hashpipe." "Oh okay, well I'll just go give this dead duck to Drago then, I'm on my way!" Hashpipe said as he flew out of them room like The Roaming Gnome. "So you don't think I got all those people stoned Drugwhore?" Harry asked. "No Harry, I don't think it was you, but I must tell you, there are plenty of decaffinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing." "What?!" Harry asked, so confused and wondering what this had to do with him getting people stoned. "Oh sorry, I was thinking of something else, off you go now Harry." "Okay, thanks Drugwhore" Harry replied as he walked out of the room.
Later, Harmonica meets the other two dudes in the Great Hall to tell them that the Peckerjuice Potion is ready and asks who they are turning into. "Crap and Gargle" Bong said. "Aw, why can't I turn into someone cooler like Kurt Cobain? GOD!" "Because, even Drago is smart enough to know that he's dead. Anyways, we need to get their pubic hair, so I'm going to offer them sex" Harmonica replied. Disgusted at the mere thought, Bong exclaimed "Eew, I can't believe you're still going through with this plan Harmonia!" "No worries, I've got it all worked out. See, I'm not really going to have sex with them, I'm just going to offer them sex and then give them some Roofies. Once they're asleep, you guys come to the storage closet and rip out their pubic hairs, and put on their uniforms." Even more grossed out that Bong was a minute ago, Harry said "Eew, we're gonna have to get close to their penises?" "Is a penis the same thing as a dick?" Bong asked stupidly. "Um, yeah Bong" Harmonica replied. "Okay, I was just wondering. So who's pubes are you gonna rip out Harmonica?!" "I've already got mine, it's some chick's cunt hair I found in the Slideitin laundry room on a pair of panties." Harry, for reasons we don't want to know, asked Harmonica "Do you still have those panties?", which ended up getting him slapped. Like an hour later or something, Harmonica wandered the school halls in her red lingerie like a prostitute on Burnside waiting for Crap and Gargle. Once they arrived, she took them by the collars of their robes and dragged them into the storage closet, where Crap and Gargle just stood there aimlessly unsure of what to do. Harmonica offered them drinks (of course with Roofies in them) and as soon as they took one sip they fell to the floor unconscious. After they heard the big thump from outside, Harry and Bong ran into the storage closet where they proceeded with the disgusting deed. "I can't do this, I can't do this!" Bong exclaimed, about to vomit in his mouth as if he has just heard Tim Timebomb and Friends' version of "Brown-Eyed Girl". To help his best friend out in this painful time, Harry summoned some sort of tape roller for him to use. They ripped the pubes out in like 5 seconds and immediately, they ran to the haunted girls' bathroom where Harry and Bong washed their hands about 20 times while Macking Megan was hitting on them. "Do my hands still smell like penis?!" Harry said as he shoved his hands to Bong's nose. "Yeah, there's still a hint of cock on them." In the midst of all this, Harmonica began dishing up the Peckerjuice Potion into 3 individual cups. After Harry and Bong got the cock-smell off of their hands, Harmonica put the pubic hairs in and, while handing it to them, said "You will only be transformed for one hour, and you'll be able to tell it's wearing off by feeling like you're about to have a massive diarrhea attack. And when that happens get out of there." They all made a toast and once they began drinking, all three of them ran into the stalls to puke their guts out. In the stall, Harry looked into the toilet water at himself turning into Gargle. "Hey look Bong, I'm ugly! Oh wait, you're ugly too" Harry said. "No shit, and I also have a bad back, look how short I am!" When they got face to face, Bong yelled out "Oh my god, you're actually taller than me!" "Oh shit we still sound the same, we need to sound more like the moron brothers. Try to do your Crap impression Bong!" In a voice sounding similar to Mr. Gumby, Bong said "How's this?" "That's great, sounds just like him!" Harry said. "By the way, has Harmonica come out of the bathroom stall Harry?" "I'm not coming, go on without me!" Harmonica yelled from the stall. "What do you think is wrong with her Harry?" "Oh, she probably started her period or something, let's just go." They walked the halls for 20 minutes looking for the Slideitin common room, where they were spotted by Percy. "You're not supposed to be out at this time of night!" Percy said, charging at them with a bit of wood. Percy calmed down once he got up to them, and then he said "Wait, who are you anyway?" As soon as Harry tried to introduce themselves, Drago came along. "Crap, Gargle, have the both of you been selling weed in the Great Hall again?!" Drago exclaimed. When he looked up at "Gargle", he asked "Why the hell are you wearing glasses you ugly fatass?!" "Oh, I was reading." "Reading? I didn't know you could read." "And what are you doing down here you dick-licking son of a bitch?!" Drago said to Percy. "I am walking the halls looking for someone to beat senseless, and if you don't move along I'll make Chris Brown beating up Rihanna look like a kiddy-ride." "C'mon guys, let's get the fuck out of this fuckin' jip-joint, with this fuckin' faggot Percy. You cock smoker!" Drago said. At the Slideitin common room, Drago flopped his ass on a really ugly green leather couch and told the other two "Sit down, you're ooging me out." Drago began to give a really long-ass speech, he said "It's amazing to think that the Weasels are pure-blood wizards, they're an embrrassment to the wizarding world, every single last one of them all the way down to their sperm." Bong began loading up his mother's Smith & Wesson, to which Drago asked "What's wrong with you Crap?" "Stomach ache" Bong said. "Kind of a weird way to counter a stomach ache Crap, but as I was saying: It's very interesting that The Daily Poophead hasn't reported any of the random attacks on random people. I bet Drugwhore is sucking their cocks or bribing them to shut the hell up. My dad always did say that Drugwhore is the worst thing that's ever happened to this place." "YOU'RE WRONG QUEER!" Harry yelled. Angered by this, Drago got up and got right in his face and said "What?! You think there's someone worse than Drugwhore?! C'mon, spit it out!" "Harry Pothead?" "You do have a point, even though you're almost entirely stupid. And people actually think that Pothead is the great great great something or other of Slideitin, it's disgusting." "Well you must have some idea who's behind it all?" "No I don't Gargle, I told you about 38 times during lunch today. How many fucking times to I hafta tell ya you stupid prick?!" Drago then picks up a 50 dollar wizard bill and asks Gargle "Is this yours?", to which Harry shook his head no and Drago put it in his pocket. "My dad said that like 50 years ago, The Secret Stash was opened. He wouldn't tell me who opened it, only that they got their ass sacked. The last time it was opened, a Seattleite died, so it's only a matter of time before one of them is killed this time. As for me, I hope it's Stranger." Bong jumped up out of his seat pointing the gun at Drago while Harry had to restrain him. "What the hell has gotten into you two?! You're acting too smart for the Crap and Gargle I know." "He didn't take his crazy pills this morning, and he's going into cardiac arrest, he'll pull through don't worry." Harry said. "Is it just me Harry or do I feel like I'm about to shit my pants?" "I feel it too, let's get the hell out of here!" "Hey come back, I'm not finished talking to you!" Drago yelled. They got back to the haunted bathroom and yelled for Harmonica to come out. "We have a fuck load to tell you Harmonica!" said Bong. "Go away!" Harmonica yelled. Macking Megan came out of the stall and said to the two "You should see her, it's really awesome and weird!" "Harmonica, are you okay?" Harry asked. "Do you remember me telling you that I got the hair from human panties? It was gorilla hair I got off those panties, don't ask me how, but look at my face!" "Can I feel your face?" Bong asked. Later that day, Harry and Bong returned to the common room after dropping Harmonica off at Dr. Gottfried's and Bong said "I hope Harmonica gets out of the hospital soon." "She will, as long as she stops throwing barrels at the Italian students" Harry replied. A few flights up, they noticed gallons of water rushing down the stairs from the haunted bathroom. "It's Hurricane Sandy all over again, we're done for Harry!" Bong cried as he grabbed Harry's shirt. "Nah, Macking Megan's just being a cunt again, let's go see what's up her ass" Harry said. They got to the bathroom and there they found a really girly-looking diary with an exploded stick of dynamite strapped to it. "What the fuck is this?" Harry said as he picked up the diary.