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Big Cheese

Top 50 influential albums

Hey! A long time ago when I was more of a regular on here, me and an old friend of mine (@Idlewild. in case he ever comes on again) made lists of the most influential albums to our bands' sounds! Another friend ended up doing it later too, and mine went through various edits! I haven't posted an edit of it in a long time, and this time I'd say it's the final version! As I used to say all the time back then, there's a difference between "favorite" and "influential". All of these albums would make it onto a favorites list, just in a different order. lol You'll notice a lot of them are a similar style, since it's mostly alternative and punk rock in there, but you'll see a few oddballs! At least some element of every one of these is probably in my music somewhere! lol

EDIT: You'll notice that there's some comments from 2014 on this. That's because I can't delete fucking blog posts or get rid of old comments, so I had to edit my old post! You'll also see that the soundtrack to Repo Man used to be on here. Not that I dislike it now, but most of the stuff on there is already on this list under different albums (Suicidal Tendencies, Circle Jerks, etc). :P Anyways, here's the list:

01. Nevermind - Nirvana
02. 1,039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours - Green Day
03. S/T debut - Bad Brains
04. New Day Rising - Hüsker Dü
05. Chronic Town EP - R.E.M.
06. Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables - Dead Kennedys
07. Bug - Dinosaur Jr.
08. Trompe le Monde - The Pixies
09. Wasting Light - Foo Fighters
10. Bleach - Nirvana
11. Copper Blue - Sugar
12. Staring at the Sea compilation - The Cure
13. S/T debut - The Clash
14. S/T debut - Suicidal Tendencies
15. In Utero - Nirvana
16. Insomniac - Green Day
17. Sleep, What's That? EP - Crimpshrine
18. Quit Talkin' Claude... EP - Crimpshrine
19. Turn It Around! compilation - V/A
20. The Real Thing - Faith No More
21. Angel Dust - Faith No More
22. Boogadaboogadaboogada! - Screeching Weasel
23. Apollo 18 - They Might Be Giants
24. Forbidden Places - Meat Puppets
25. Workbook - Bob Mould
26. Hate Your Friends - The Lemonheads
27. Hectic EP - Operation Ivy
28. Bivouac - Jawbreaker
29. No Control - Bad Religion
30. S/T debut - Rites of Spring
31. Split LP - Nar/The Lizards
32. IV EP - The Lookouts
33. Play Cell - Tilt
34. Static Age - The Misfits
35. Paranoid - Black Sabbath
36. Is This Real? - The Wipers
37. Red Roses for Me - The Pogues
38. Goodbye Ellston Avenue - Pinhead Gunpowder
39. Back from Samoa - Angry Samoans
40. Zenyattà Mondatta - The Police
41. Nothing to Fear - Oingo Boingo
42. Ride the Lightning - Metallica
43. (GI) - The Germs
44. Scott Pilgrim OST - V/A
45. Split LP - The Faith/Void
46. S/T EP - T.S.O.L.
47. It's Alive - The Ramones
48. Group Sex - Circle Jerks
49. New Traditionalists - Devo
50. Mr. Tambourine Man - The Byrds

Big Cheese

"No More Hope" (lyrics)

Okay, so since I can't delete blog posts, I decided to just take this old one ('cuz the song this post was originally for was basically an old version of this one) and update it with this. Anyways, I think the song is pretty self-explanatory. That girl that I've been on about forever has a new boyfriend now, and this time they actually seem really happy together (unlike with her last boyfriend where they just seemed indifferent). Obviously, that's made me wonder whether I should just let her go or what, and this song reflects that. 

I'm not gonna post chords for this one 'cuz I don't have them all worked out yet. I have some of it worked out, but not all of it.

Verse one:
I want you to be happy, but I'm still in pain
I'm sitting here alone in the pouring rain
Just trying to figure out if it was worth the wait
'Cuz now it really looks as if I was too late

I know this doesn't mean that it'll last forever
But you two really seem to be so happy together
It's gotten to a point where I don't know what to do
'Cuz if I fell in love again, well it just wouldn't be you

I still love you with all my heart
But my dreams are torn apart
I'm not sure I can let you go
You mean so much, you'll never know

Verse two:
I could've been with you if I wasn't so scared
That I couldn't say a word and all I did was stare

Now everything I believed just feels like one big lie
And I don't even know if I should bother to try

[Repeat pre-chorus/chorus]

Final chorus:
I still love you with all my heart
But now my dreams are torn apart

If this is what you want, then it's okay
But is there still hope of us some day?

Big Cheese

"Going Out" (lyrics)

Here's my first song in a while! I'm actually really proud of it, but if you've got any suggestions or whatever, feel free to leave a comment and tell me!

The song's pretty much just about how I was feeling in April. It was such a great month for me and I had a fun time, but I didn't have any motivation to go outside and do stuff. After battling some serious depression last year, it's taken a little bit to get my inspiration back. It's definitely coming back, but slowly. Part of it's also just me feeling like a loser 'cuz I see all my friends doing cool shit like starting relationships, getting married, having kids or whatever while I'm just sitting here doing virtually nothing. It's actually kind of a hybrid of a lot of songs I wrote a few years back that I've worked on and combined into one song. 

EDIT: I've changed the title to "Going Out".

Also, just for fun, I'm gonna put the chords for the song in here so you guys can actually get an idea of what it sounds like! It's in standard tuning and all of the G's (except in the intro), A's, Csus2's and D's are open. The low E's are too, obviously. :P

Fsus2, A5, B5, A5, G [repeat 3 times]/F, Esus4

   G                    D                      E (high)
I get up in the morning and I look out my window
          G                  Dsus2               Bm
It's a sunny April day and there isn't anymore snow
              G                              D             E (high)
I wanna go smell the Spring air but I have no motivation
      G                     Dsus2                    Bm
Depression got a hold me and just killed my inspiration

   G                        Dsus2                    A            F           E (low)
I look over to my friends and they seem to have it made
G                                       Dsus2          A          F               E (low)
They're all starting their lives while all I've done is delayed
          G                           Dsus2             A           F         A*
Everyone's out getting married and I'm just left behind
        G                      Dsus2    A                F          E (low)
Still waiting for the girl for whom I've always pined

Transitional riff:
G, A, Fsus2

              Em  (low)           D               Csus2         Bm          A
There's not much I can do when I stay in my room all day
Laying here wasting away
          Em  (low)          D                            Csus2     Bm         A
I just need to go outside, and then perhaps I'll see the light
And everything will be alright

Another transitional riff:
Bb, Csus2, D

Em                 Csus2           D                G (high)
I just feel so small in comparison to you
Em                    Csus2             D                              G (high)
When I take a look and see just how much you grew
Em                             Csus2           D                        G (high)
Then I look into the mirror and I see I'm still the same
Em                     Csus2                         D                     G (high)
Nothing cool or special, and there's nothing to my name

Another fucking transitional riff:
G (high), F# (high), E (high), D


[Intro riff again and that's it]

* The reason there's an A there instead of an E is 'cuz I made a mistake while recording a rough demo of it and accidentally played an A. I decided I liked the way that sounded and kept it. 

Big Cheese


Hey, guys! Just thought I'd come on here and give an update on me for the people who don't have me on Facebook or just haven't seen my posts.

I've been doing pretty good for the most part. Things got really bad for me from April to August, but luckily things are just fine now. I still have that fear that things are just gonna come back and shit on me again, but I try not to focus on that. On a more positive note, I'm working a lot more on my movies recently. I still write songs occasionally, but I'm a bit more into my movies now 'cuz I just feel like I'm better at writing movies that doing songs. I still plan to do one album though, but I decided to tie it in with my movies, so I'm gonna do a movie about my band. lol Me and Jaimie (my brother, for those who might not remember) are gonna be filming our first one here soon, like within the next month, so that's pretty exciting. For those who are interested, I have the scripts written for 3 of my movies, so just message me if you wanna read them!

I also became a vegan during the summer. I'd been a vegetarian for a while, but around June I suddenly became lactose intolerant for some reason, and since I was gonna give up dairy I just decided to go all out and give up all animal products. It's been going pretty good. I've slipped a few times for pizza ('cuz I love pizza) because no one here has vegan options, so I've eaten some pizza with no meat once on a blue moon (it's only been twice) and I just dealt with getting the shits. lol

Other than that, I'm kinda the same old guy you all know. I still listen to all the bands I used to blab on about to you guys all the time, and I'm still crazy over Nirvana and Dave Grohl and Foo Fighters and stuff lol. Other bands I've been listening to a lot recently though are They Might Be Giants, Dinosaur Jr, Husker Du, R.E.M., Violent Femmes, The Pogues, etc etc. If you guys hadn't noticed, my taste in stuff doesn't tend to change much. :P There might be stuff that I like a bit better that others nowadays, but I haven't stopped liking anything.

So yeah... Like I said, just thought I'd give an update for the people who might not be in contact with me. I really do miss all of you guys, and I hope you guys miss me too. That might sound a little conceited, but I just hope you guys have fond memories of me or enjoyed talking to me and stuff. I really do hope to talk to you guys a lot more soon.

Take care! :)

Big Cheese


I don't know, I thought maybe I should make some sort of announcement about this. I'm gonna be leaving GDC, at least for a while. Besides yesterday's shitstorm, I just generally don't have much desire to keep posting on here. Not to complain, but I just don't feel like the forum is what it used to be. I don't feel like it's much of a "community", that whole community feel is just gone. It feels more like fucking high school than anything else nowadays.

Additionally, I also kind of get the feeling that maybe I've outgrown my time on here. I don't know, it's weird. I kind of wish I could write more on the matter but I really can't think of much else to say. I've enjoyed my stay on here, I've met some of the most wonderful people ever on here but I really feel like I must go. This is the best online forum I've ever been on, so huge thanks to Andres and everybody for making it what it was. I've had some of the best times of my life on here, and I'll always keep those as special memories.

If you want to get in touch with me, you can find me on Facebook (Alan Conner) or you can send me a Skype request at minigun121696 (however, if you do that please tell me who you are so I don't write you off as spam lol).

Thanks to you all!

Big Cheese

"The Rain Always Pours on Me" (lyrics)

This song was actually kind of hard to write. It's not about the girl I always write songs for, it addresses another problem I had about a year ago and now that it's finally behind me, I felt inspired to write a song about it. I tried to write a song about it back when it was going on, but it just made me even more fucked up. But anyways, I feel like this song came out good.

You're in my every thought, but I've never loved you

Though I worry all the time that I really do

I already love another, and she's all I want

But you're in the back of my mind, just trying to taunt

Maybe I would've actually liked you before

But now I'm always getting down on the floor

With tears down my face to just pray for the day

That the black cloud I call "you" will just go away

The rain always pours on me [x3]

And I can never seem to just get you out

Then you pop in my head, and I start to doubt

What exactly's going on and what I really feel

But for now I just hope that with time I'll heal


"Launchpad McQuack" (lyrics)

I don't know, i'm stupid that's all you need to know.

Quacky McQuack I took a lot of smack

Quackity McQuack he put my head in his crack

Mr. McQuack took me out on a date

And it was really really late

He unexpectedly took a candlestick and hit me in the face

And now I'm wishing Tom Cruise was in my place

Then a huge fight ensued 'cuz Launchpad's so damn rude

He beat the hell out of me so much it made me pee

Launchpad McQuack is such a fucking twat

I wish this ugly bastard would have a heart attack

I lost so much blood I started to fade to black

After the brutal beating he left me in the Canadian cold

After 3 weeks of being dead I got a new life

I walked the path of the vegan to beat Launchpad McQuack

With the help of Lord Bowler I tracked him down in Kentucky

Me and Bowler went out seperate ways 'cuz we decided the other was too gay

When I caught up to Mr. McQuack he was in KFC and got a 42 lb box of chicken strips

I proceeded to attack him with my vegan powers but failed yet again

I lost to him 'cuz he found an elder scroll and opened a gate to oblivion

The opening of the gate caused all of Louisville to be destroyed

But he screwed up the spell and sent me back in time to 1949

Luckily for McQuack, just when I thought I was safe Dagon came and now the world is gone

Big Cheese

"Blind Rage" (lyrics)

A song I wrote a while back, about a year or so ago. I think you can guess what it's about. :P This song honestly sounds like if you combined 39/Smooth-era Green Day with MDC, it's really weird! lol

You're such a fucking waste, you're so pretentious

For some reason you seem to think you're so precious

You're just not any good, you god damn swine

I'll shut my stupid mouth when she is mine

'Cuz I'm in a Blind Rage [x3]

Just get out of my way, get out of here

You better run away and scream in fear

You may think you love her, but it's not true

Or maybe I just think that 'cuz of my beef with you

Regardless, you're still a cheese-dick

Big Cheese

"Grasping My Dreams" (lyrics)

Just a song I wrote about how I'm feeling really desperate (you should know what it's about :P ). Thanks to Todd for the title!

I'm just so desperate, I can't contain it anymore

But it won't be long 'til you realize he's such a bore

He's not good enough for you, can't you see?

That he's not the one, you belong with me

I will never move on

'Cuz it won't be long

'Til you're finally mine

And we'll be together 'til the end of time

I've dreamt of holding you in my arms for years

And whenever I wake up I drown myself in tears

I just can't imagine a life without you in it

So why don't I do something this very minute?

Big Cheese

Thanks to John for helping us out with our grindcore project! It's basically just garbage I wrote down in a minute. :P

Seth is dead and Anal Cunt sucked

Anal Cunt is dead and Seth just sucked

He sucked tons of dick, he went down on a horse

He butt-fucked his dog and he drank a man's cum

He died in 2011, shot dead to the floor

Now we've lost the lord of grindcore


"Fuck His Polish Lap Dog" (lyrics)

Just a song i wrote for the hell of it last night, not about anything as usual.

I got butt-raped one night while watching Saturday Night Live

Once he left my house I went after him with a Smith and Wesson out of anger

In actuality the man was a member of the Lizard Squad

Sent by Osama bin Laden to terrorize the USA

Kill, kill, kill kill, kill the fat fuck [x3]


"Vomit Song" (lyrics)

Another lyrical contribution i made to the band, but the two ive posted are the only ones. Again, it's about nothing. Al came up with one of the lines but the rest is me, and it's all misheard lyrics from other songs. It's supposed to be making fun of bands like As I Lay Dying or something, and i sing the song like that.

I am vomiting, I am masturbating

I am regurgitating, I am ejaculating

I am pissing and shitting

'Cuz this is a butt-plug and I'm a zebra

I even licked a bull dog's ass

Just leave me alone you zebra perverts!

I jerked off on your roast beef sandwich

And I've got a hose up my ass!

I ain't gonna be a bitch like Jennifer Lopez

I need a lizard friend and I shit my head!

I murdered two men naked and I'll pass the jizz

She shits out pencils and I molest myself!

Big Cheese

"From Behind Brown Eyes" (lyrics)

Just a song I wrote, again about a girl (the same girl I always write about). It's probably the sappiest thing I've ever written, but whatever. lol lol I also took some lyrics from another song I wrote for her called "Outta My Mind" (you should know that if you've ever read my blog) 'cuz I thought that song only needed 2 verses instead of 3.

Thanks to Savannah (HungryHungryModels) for coming up with the title!

[Verse 1]

I don't really give a damn if this sounds too sappy

But as long as you're with me, I'll always be happy

It doesn't matter what happens, I'll love you forever

I just have this gut feeling we'll always be together

[Chorus 1]

You are the reason

You're the reason that I feel so good

You are the reason

You're the reason I feel like I could

Do anything I've ever wanted to

And actually get to be with you

[Verse 2]

I don't really give a damn if this sounds too sappy

But as long as you're with me, I'll always be happy

I wonder if you understand just how much I need you

It would just make my day if you actually knew

[Chorus 2]

You are the reason

You're the reason that I feel so good

You are the reason

You're the reason I feel like I could

Chase down every last one of my dreams

Nothing's as impossible as it seemed

Big Cheese

Harry Pothead chapter 2 (part 1)

Here it is, the long-awaited second chapter of Harry Pothead! And it only took me and Jaimie 6 months to finish it! Think, if we keep at this pace, it'll be done in about 36 months! :woot:

Chapter Two

The Secret Stash

"Why the hell is Drugwhore sending us home for Halloween? GOD! I don't even have anywhere to go, my aunt and uncle are dead, Pudley's in the psych ward, where the hell am I gonna go?" Harry yelled on a train ride home for Halloween break. "Why don't ya come stay at my piece of shit house? It might as well be a port-a-potty, but it's home." Bong suggested. "Oh, it's also about 200 miles from any civilization" he added. "I don't care if it's a port-a-potty house, I lived under the fuckin' staircase on a pile of newspapers, a port-a-potty house would be like a castle to me!" Harry replied. "Well alright, but don't say I didn't warn ya!" They finally made it to Bong's house, which looked pretty much just how he described it, except instead of a port-a-potty it looked more like a ruined tiny shack. When they went inside, Harry didn't even have time to be effected by the smell of pot before Bong's dad raced across the room to ask "Hey, you lived in the buggle world, so tell me, what is the fuction of a rubber?" "Like I know, are you Bong's dad or something?" "Oh yes, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Art, Artichoke Weasel, at your service." "Nice to meet ya man" Harry replied. After saying that, Harry noticed a piss-pot full of red-headed Brady Bunch-like freaks sitting at the table, one of them being Percy. Nearly squirting his ass all over the floor, Harry asked Bong "What is Percy doing at your house, he is holding you all hostage?" "Dude, I told ya he's my bro" Bong replied, thinking Harry had caught amnesia. "What, you expect me to remember anything about Percy? He scares the hell out of me!" Suddenly, two identical dorks came up to Harry, offering him drugs and a potion to turn him into a homicidal axe-wielding maniac in voices that sounded disturbingly similar to Dr. Gottfried. "Who the fuck are you guys?" Harry asked them. "Hi, I'm Gred, and this guy standing next to me that looks exactly like me is Forge, nice to meet ya!". "Who's that bitch staring at me with binoculars?" Harry asked again. "Oh, that's Gin, we call her Ginny though. She's been staring at you through those things ever since you guys pulled up with the flying car" the identical guys replied. Bong's dad decided to stick his nose into their conversation and added in "I bought that flying car off Katie Paul at work, it was the best 10,000 pounds I've ever spent!" Art then began yelling viciously at his wife and said "Polly, you fat whore, how soon is dinner gonna be ready?!" "I really like your mom Bong, she has the same name as that Nirvana song!" Harry said. "Don't talk about that song, it's on Nevermind." Bong said as he glared. "But Nevermind was a great record man." Harry replied, unsure of why Bong was dissing on that album. Bong's mum screamed back and said "Dinner's almost ready you cunts!" in a weird British accent very aggressively. By this point, Percy had finally noticed Harry and began to reach for his bit of wood, and doing so got him punched in the face by Art. "You know you're not allowed to use your wood in the house!" Art said as he punched Percy so hard that it made Sharon Osbourne's to Ozzy punch look like nothing. "Is dinner almost done? I'm friggin' starved, I didn't get to eat anything today!" Harry yelled in at Polly. "IT'S DONE YOU FUCKING CUNTS!" was yelled in reply. Polly then brought dinner out, which was nachos. Art interrupted and said "Hold on, since we're having nachos, I need to go put on the Primus record!" so he went and put on the album Sailing the Seas of Cheese and they listened to it while they ate dinner. They talked about various topics at the table, like how Art originally looked like a red-headed Dave Grohl but got wizard plastic surgery to look like John Lydon after he got into Public Image Ltd and other stuff that was really, really stupid. After the Primus record was over and they were done eating, the famly's owl began to fly towards the window, only to smash into it and fall to the ground. "GET THE FUCKING MAIL PERCY, BEFORE I PUNCH YOU AGAIN!" Art yelled. Harry then asked Bong what was wrong with the owl (of course adding his signature "GOD!" at the end). "His name is Tom, he has a frontal-lobe injury that they tried to cure with wizard shock therapy but it just made everything worse, that's why he's so stupid." "Oooooh, thooooossse!" Harry replied. "Apparently we're supposed to go back to Hogfarts now, 'cuz Drugwhore says it's after midnight so the Halloween break is over" Percy said coming in while reading the mail. "That sucks, I haven't even been on break for 12 hours!" Harry complained. "Alright then, we need to get all you cunts to the fireplace" Polly said. "Why, are we gonna catch Santa or something?" Harry asked. "No, we need to go to Buyabong Alley, Dave Grohl's gonna be signing stuff at Porridge and Blatz!" Polly answered. "Oh my god, DAVE GROHL?! THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME!" Harry screamed like a rabid fangirl. "Okay, we're gonna use this flu-powder to get there. You have to say where you're going very clearly or you'll end up somewhere completely different, like in China or some other commie country!" Art added. They made Bong go first to show Harry how it's done, but when it came time for Harry to do it, he fucked it up anyway by saying "I masturbated an elephant!" because he's a total idiot. "What did he say?" Polly asked Art. "It sounded like 'I masturbated an elephant'"

Because of Harry's stupidity, he ended up in some place even more dusty/moldy than the Enchanted Forest haunted house. He jumped up in a panic, screaming "Where the fuck am I? GOD!" Harry noticed an animatronic Halloween candy dish (you know, the ones with the hand that grabs you). Like an idiot, he stuck his hand in there to get some candy and the animatronic then grabbed a hold of him. Harry struggled to break loose of the mosterous grip for 30 minutes, until it lost its grip and Hashpipe arrived. "What the fuck are you doing here Harry?! Ya lookin' to get fucked down here? This is Fukturn Alley!" Hashpipe said. "No, I wanted to go to Buyabong Alley and I was using flu-powder but I panicked like a freak and said 'I masturbated an elephant'." "Well let's get ya outta here Jerry, nobody wants to see you down here." On their way to Porridge and Blatz, Hashpipe said "Oh by the way, are you a race car driver Jerry? I've been listening to this Primus record Sailing the Seas of Cheese ever since my Crucifucks record went missing, just curious." "No, and it's Harry." Outside of Porridge and Blatz, they ran into Harmonica, who was also going to see Dave Grohl. Upon going inside, they found Polly fangirling even worse than Harry. Ginny, still staring at Harry with binoculars, said "Hi!" Harry did not reply like a jerk and shoved her out of the way to quickly meet Mr. Grohl himself. "Oh, it's Harry Pothead! Since you're such a good fan, I want you to have all my albums and books, and especially my autobiography Big Me. And don't use my buggle name, my wizard name is Killroy Lockjaw." Dave Grohl said to Harry. "Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Gro---I mean, Lockjaw." Harry, walking away, said "God, he's such an asshole in person" under his breath. "Gimme those books, I'm gonna have them signed you cunts!" Polly said. On his way out, he ran into Drago Fukboy again. "So, did you and your friends get off on leaving me out in the forest being eaten by a dog for two weeks, huh?" he said. "Oh yeah, that's what Hashpipe must have forgot!" Harry replied with a shit-eating grin. As Drago tried to beat up Harry, Ginny ran up and said very angrily "Get away from Harry, he's mine." "Oh look Pothead, you've got yourself a cum-dump." Drago replied. "Well at least I got one, I don't see you with one. Oh yeah, that's because you wanna do me!" "No I don't, don't know what you're talking about, I just haven't found the right girl. Anyway, wait until my father hears about this!" Drago's dad then popped out of nowhere like the devil and just the mere sight of his face made Art double his fists and charge at him. "It's that Loserass guy from work, I wanna kill him, let me kill him!" Art screamed as his entire family (excluding Ginny, Polly and Percy) was restraining him. "Dad, we don't want you going to Asskabin!" Bong said. "Hello Mr. Pothead, it's so nice to meet you." Loserass said as he made a grab for Harry's junk. "Eew, don't touch my cock man, GROSS!" Harry replied in retaliation. Acting like nothing out of the ordinary had just taken place, Loserass started to play with Ginny's bag like a queer, but he gave it back after Art whipped out his .357 Magnum. In a very snooty British accent, Loserass said "Fine, I'll leave you lower-middle class wizards to your own devices. Come Drago, we don't want to catch anything deadly from these poor, pathetic wizards." "Right you are dad, let's get out of here!" Drago said as he stuck his tongue out like Gene Simmons. The two assholes left the building, and everyone's mood improved. It suddenly cuts to them at the platform thing, getting ready to go back to Hogfarts. First Percy got on the train, followed by Gred and Forge, then Ginny, but it would not let Harry and Bong get on for some reason. "It's like some kinda force field or something, woah!" Harry said as he put his hands to the "invisible wall". "Ooh, so that's what an invisible wall looks like, AWESOME!" Bong said. Before the butt-fuck brigade could think of something intelligent to do about their predicament, the train took off so fast that it made O.J. Simpson's Bronco look like it was driven by an old lady. "Holy shit, what are we gonna do now Harry?" "Where are your parents right now?" Harry asked. "Oh, he's across the street getting his PIL shit signed, and mum's buying more flu-powder at another store across the street." "I got an idea!" Harry shouted with excitement. "What is it Harry? It better not be another 'Oh, let's get past Corbin' idea." "Hell no Bong, we're gonna steal THE FLYING CAR while your damn parents aren't looking, what do ya think?" Harry said. "Uh, I don't know Harry, mom and dad might cut my balls off." "But 'cmon man, THE FLYING CAR!" Bong decided to give in and the two stole the car successfully. Unfortunately, neither of them really knew how to drive (they only had their permits), let alone a FLYING car. "Hey, let's listen to some Foo Fighters!" Harry suggested. "Well, alright, but play one without Pat, like There Is Nothing Left to Lose or something" Bong replied. Harry followed Bong's advice and played "Learn to Fly" (since they were flying and all). They flew and flew trying to find way to Hogfarts, hitting an airplane, a witch or two and many birds, and they crashed through a total of 15 buildings (including the EMI building). "Hey Bong, is there like some way to make this thing invisible or something? I think that's an army plane behind us." Harry asked. "OH FUCK YOU'RE RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA DIE, WE'RE GONNA DIE! I ALWAYS KNEW THE GOVERNMENT WOULD KILL ME ONE OF THESE DAYS, I JUST DIDN'T THINK THAT WOULD BE RIGHT NOW!" Bong yelled in fright. Just as the military plane was about to fire a missile, Bong found the invisibility button. They finally made it to Hogfarts and lost the army planes, only to crash into a giant willow tree on the school grounds. "Wow, good thing this willow broke our fall!" Bong said as the tree's limbs began to move all around them. It began to thrash the car, hitting it and breaking all the windows (not to mention fucking up the paint job). "HARRY DO SOMETHING, I DON'T WANNA DIE. I ALWAYS HAD THE FEELING I'D GET KILLED BY A HORNY, HOMICIDAL TREE IF NOT THE GOVERNMENT!" Bong screamed as he soiled his jeans. After several minutes of being molested by the tree, the car finally broke loose of its hold. Once they were on the ground, the car got angry and threw the duo out (along with all their possessions) through the wind-shield after only two minutes of driving. Bong's fat ass landed on his own bong, breaking it instantly. "No worries, I'll fix that tomorrow" Harry reassured him. McGoogoogoggles then came marching out like an elephant that had just taken shrooms and dragged both of them by the ear up to Rape's office. "YOU WERE SEEN BY 70,000 BUGGLES. WE HAD TO CONVINCE THEM THAT THEIR FOOD WAS LACED WITH LSD. YOU COULD HAVE EXPOSED OUR SECRET SOCIETY! AND OF ALL BUILDINGS, YOU JUST HAD TO CRASH INTO EMI!" Rape screamed while shoving a newspaper with them on it in Harry's face. "Eh who cares? EMI's never signed any good bands." Bong replied. Harry pulled the newspaper out of his face and added "That Sex Pistols record is awesome, but besides that yeah", to which Bong agreed. "I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE THE SEX PISTOLS OR DURAN DURAN, THAT WAS A BAD IDEA." Rape exclaimed. "Well we wouldn't have had to do that if your fuckin' trains weren't faulty!" Bong said. Harry then piped-in and said to Rape "No, ya know what's really faulty? Your stupid stairs. And ya know what else is faulty? Your face!" "WHAT WAS THAT?! FOUR BILLION, BILLION, BILLION POINTS FROM SNIFFENWHORE!" "Stick it up your ass!" Harry viciously replied. Rape began contemplating murdering the two when Drugwhore came in and threatened to fire him if he followed through with his plan. Drugwhore then told McGoog to turn into a Quacking Quackeroo and take the two to the Sniffenwhore common room.

It suddenly cuts to the next day and them at drug class where they were planting medical wizard marijuana. There, the teacher started to babble about medical wizard marijuana and Harry asked her who the fuck she was. "Oh, I'm Prof. Mary Jane" she answered before going on to explain that you must plant the medical wizard marijuana with a blind-fold on or you will die by looking at the roots. Suddenly, there was a big thump and Mary Jane said "Great, who was the moron that didn't put their blindfold on? That would be the 27th student to die in my class!" ShamWow lifted up his blindfold and said "It was Sniffle, but I think he just passed out from all the drugs we did at that party last night." Mary Jane replied with "Eh just leave him there for now but I want you to cart his ass out of here before the end of class or I will have Rape come with a .357 Magnum and shoot everyone!" Everyone agreed out of fear of the infamous gun of Rape's. Harry then whispered to Bong "Trust me it's really painful, I got shot with it not even a week ago". After drug class and carting Sniffle back to the common room, Drugwhore screamed over the wizard intercom "I have a important announcement to make so get to the great hall in 5 minutes before I put you in the dungeon so Feltcher can have his way with you!" Everyone in the castle hurried in a panicked state to the great hall, only to find that Drugwhore wasn't even there. To pass the time, Harry decided to read Lockjaw's autobiography Big Me. "This guy's a phony, it says here that Nirvana had 4 albums, everyone knows they only did 3!" Harry shouted. Bong tried to reassure him by bringing up that he may have been including Incesticide. "Maybe so, but it's still fishy." After about 20 minutes, Drugwhore finally arrived said "I'm happy to announce since Queero was bludgeoned to death mysteriously that our new defense against the dark tarts teacher is Killroy Lockjaw, better known to buggles and wizards alike as Dave Grohl!" The room roared with applause the second Dave Grohl's name was mentioned. but Harry did not as he was still believing he might be a fraud. Suddenly, a weird Japanese kid came out of nowhere, said "Hi Harry!" in a really thick accent and took 15-20 pics before Harry could even blink. "Who the fuck are you?" Harry asked with a face of surprise. "Oh so sorry I the new Japanese exchange student Toshiro Nakamura I rearry big fan!" Harry, pretending to care, said "Nice to meet you" in a very half-assed tone, and then the mail came.

Bong identified his owl right away by the bandage on his head and screamed "Oh shit, I think my parents found out we stole the car, I'm sure they're sending me a wizard letterbomb! I don't want to die yet!" "Eh your parents are too retarded to know that we stole it, it's probably a Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes thing" Harry said trying to calm down his panicked crying friend. Once Tom crash-landed into the table (and put a hole in it) and dropped the letter, Bong picked it up and after taking one glance at it, he said "Did I say letterbomb? No, this is much worse!" "Hey look, Weasel was sent a Princess Leia hologram thing!" ShamWow said, just being a prick and sticking his nose into things. Sniffle also decided to throw out his two-cents-worth and added "I'm so sorry Bong, I got one of those from my grandma once, it was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen." Everyone just made a face at Sniffle and Bong reluctantly clicked the button to get the message, shaking worse than Michael J. Fox. The "Princess Leia hologram thing" was Bong's mum brutally stabbing a dead pig in the neck saying "WE HAD TO GET A RIDE FROM JOHN LYDON THANKS TO YOU STEALING THE FLYING CAR AND IF YOU EVEN DO SOMETHING SO LITTLE AS SHIT YOUR PANTS THE NEXT THING I WILL BE STABBING IN THE NECK IS YOU!!" After stabbing the pig enough that she looked like the star of a Sam Peckinpah movie (and for its head to fall off), she suddenly sounded like a completely different person told Ginny "Me and your dad were so happy you made Sniffenwhore that we spent 2,000 pounds to throw a party when you get your next break and BONG WILL NOT GET ANY OF THE PARTY FOOD, HE'LL EAT DOG FOOD FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS!!". The hologram then exploded, putting a even larger hole in the table than Tom's crash landing, and it suddenly cuts again to Lockjaw's (or should I say Dave Grohl's) DADT class. There, he gave a stupid speech about everything he's done: "Hello ladies and gentlemen, I'm Killroy Lockjaw, or also known as Dave Grohl. Former drummer of bands like Nirvana, Scream, Queens of the Stone Age, and Killing Joke, currently the lead singer/guitarist of the Foo Fighters, avenger of Kurt Cobain's tragic death by killing Courtney Love, and dubbed 'the nicest guy in rock'!" "Courtney Love's dead?" Bong asked Harry, to which he replied by just shrugging his shoulders and saying "Who cares anyway?" Lockjaw/Mr. Grohl gave the students the assignment of exorcising demonic entities, which were (in Lockjaw's words) the "most horrid band in the world: The Pixies!", where the members were shrunk down to the size of an actual pixy and locked in a birdcage. "But Dave Grohl loves the Pixies, what the fuck? He was wearing their shirt at the Paramount Theater show." Harry said to Bong under his breath. "Oh, he was? I never noticed, 'cuz whenever I watch that show my mom's always like 'fast-forward it to the parts where he isn't wearing a shirt', even though I'm all like 'no, I wanna hear 'Jesus Doesn't Want Me for a Sunbeam'!" Bong replied. Lockjaw told them to exorcise the demons by using the spell "kids take meth it's good for you!", but the spell was bogus and only provoked them. They smashed open their cage by using Joey's guitar as a battering ram and Frank randomly picked Sniffle out of all the students in the room and hung him on the chandelier ('cuz Frank Black can fly anyway, right?). Lockjaw then decided to be a pussy, said "I wish you guys luck, bye!" and ran out of the room like a drunk frat boy. After about 30 minutes of The Pixies causing chaos, the idea came to Bong to pull out his bass and play one of the band's songs, hoping to exorcise them. He decided to play the band's best-known hit "Here Comes Your Man" and they just forgot everything that happened, reverted to normal size and began playing the song themselves (it worked). By the time this happened though, the room had already looked like Hurricane Sandy hit it and Sniffle blurted out "Why does this shit always happen to me?" Once all that was over and done with, the Sniffenwhore Spinage team (dubbed Metal Militia) had booked time on the field to practice where they were confronted by the Slideitin Spinage team (dubbed Symphony of Destruction), who argued that it was their time to use to the field. "Um no it isn't, I have written permission by Drugwhore for us to practice." Morgan Wood told them. "Well fuck what he says, we wanna practice, so we're gonna practice!" Drago replied, who had recently been added to SOD. Harry had just noticed Drago ('cuz he's an idiot and doesn't pay attention to that kinda thing) and said "Wait, you play Spinage?" "Yep, my dad bought us all this nice stuff, I bet it's better than yours!" "Tell your dad to go suck a cock!" Harry viciously said in response to Drago's comments. All the Spinage players just gasped at Harry's offensive remark when Bong and Harmonica arrived on the scene, and that's where things just went from bad to total shitstorm. Harmonica and Drago exchanged words so bad that they will not be mentioned here in fear of alienating our possible fanbase. At the end of Drago's rant, he decided to call Harmonica a "filthy little Seattleite" just to be a meany. Bong got so pissed at Drago's derogatory insult and cast the spell for him to eat "cum and diarrhea", but the spell backfired and Bong began spewing cum and diarrhea out of his mouth like a fountain. That Japanese dude showed up and, again, took like 30 pictures and said "This would make great anime!" when Harry screamed "Get outta my way Toshi, GOD!". They decided to take Bong to Hashpipe's house, figuring he'd be the one to know how to get cum and diarrhea out of your mouth.

On his way in, Bong puked on Hashpipe's new tile floor when Harry said "Hey, that looks like oatmeal pizza!" Although Hashpipe didn't know how to stop it (unless Bong wanted to eat Balrog pubic hairs and of course he didn't), he gave him a bucket to puke in until the curse wore off. "Who the hell did Bong try to put that curse on anyway?" Hashpipe asked. "Fukboy, he called Harmonica a... what was it again?" Harry answered. "He called me a Seattleite." "Oh no he didn't!" Hashpipe exclaimed. Harry then asked what the hell it meant anyway, and Harmonica told him "it's someone who's from Seattle, someone like me." "Wait, you're from Seattle?! Oh my god, you gotta show me Kurt Cobain's house!" Harry said, which resulted in Harmonica punching him in the face and breaking his glasses. "I don't like Seattle, it rains too much" Bong added (while vomiting), and then she shoved his head into the barf bucket. "Man those Fukboys, they hate anyone who comes outta there. I heard they've even killed people for simply being from Seattle. They think they're so much better than everyone else 'cuz they're from Detroit." Hashpipe said. "That's horrible!" Harry said about them killing people (or maybe about them being from Detroit, you decide!). Bong, just having to chime in, said "It's disgusting!" while vomiting again. Meanwhile, Harmonica looked like she was about to cry like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit and Hashpipe told her "I don't care if you're from Seattle or Ulaanbataar. I mean, there isn't any wizard around today who doesn't at least have one relative in Seattle. Can you think of any spell that Hamonica can't do if ya know what I mean! Come here and sit on my lap, I always wanted to be Santa." Harmonica shouldn't have, but she went and sat on his lap anyway, and Hashpipe added "Don't you think you suck just because you're from Seattle for one minute. Don't listen to the Fukboys, they can just lick my fat hairy balls!" Later that night, Mr. Grohl/Lockjaw made Harry sign some of his fanmail for detention ('cuz of the whole flying car thing), which he did for 4 hours straight: no bathroom breaks, no food, no drinks, no nothing. "Hey, I sent this letter to ya 10 years ago, why is it just arriving on your desk now, GOD!" Harry said. Lockjaw wrote it off by telling him the post office was faulty. Just as Harry was about to argue against that (as he had gotten tons of response letters from Krist Novoselic), he heard a strange noise in the distance and a whisper that sounded like it was saying "I hope you get cancer and die you fucking retarded dicksucking pisscunt, go to hell and burn in acid napalm, I wish I could clone 6 million of you and kill every single one of you in a second Holocaust" "Holy shit did you hear that Mr. Groh- I mean, Lockjaw?" Harry said as he just about squirted his ass again. "Nope, sorry Harry, I was too busy listening to The Eagles." Lockjaw responded as he was taking his ear buds out. "I swear to Kurt Cobain that I heard this shit-fuck scary voice say 'I hope you get cancer and die you fucking retarded dicksucking pisscunt, go to hell and burn in acid napalm, I wish I could clone 6 million of you and kill every single one of you in a second Holocaust' to me." "Well Harry, many wizards under intense circumstances hear weird voices telling them to die, yeah. Oh, I almost forgot, I umm, left the toaster oven on, and if I don't go turn it off, the whole castle's gonna burn down. Thus detention's over, bye!" Lockjaw said as HE nearly squirted his ass all over Harry, fleeing for the safety of his room. "It's about damn time, GOD! Detention sucks DICK!" Harry screamed as he left his seat and proceeded to go back to the common room. On the way, he spewed more verbal vomit to himself such as "'Nicest guy of rock' my ass, GOD! I'd rather hang out with Billy Corgan, GOD! GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD!" Suddenly, there was a rumble from within the walls. At first Harry thought they were finally giving in to all the wild frat boy parties, drug parties, and topless girl sleepovers, but he discovered that was not the case when he heard "CANCER, CANCER!" whispered to him over and over again. He followed the voices down countless corridors until he ran head-first into Bong and Harmonica, knocking all 3 of them flat on their ass. "Harry what the hell do you think you're doing? Watch where your going!" Harmonica said as she stood up rubbing her ass (ya know, from the pain, but it still gave Bong wood). Bong tried to throw in his two-cents worth (if he had two cents that is), but he was too distracted by Harmonica's ass that he only managed to throw out "What she said." "Hey, were any of you assholes singing 'Heart-Shaped Box'? Ya know, the 'I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black' shit?" Harry asked them. "NO, we were definitely singing 'Good Old Mountain Dew'. That's a Womenfolk song, in case you were stupid and didn't know." Harmonica said. "Man I love Mountain Dew! Wait, that means there's some other freak singin' 'bout cancer in this damn castle? We're the only ones that can sing about cancer here, us and Sniffle. That muthafucka was singin' in Grohl's office too!" "Um Harry, I think it's Lockjaw now." Bong butted in. "Whatever! Anyway, I think it's gonna give someone cancer so we gotta follow it and kill it, or at least sue it." They decided to follow the voices which led up to where Chuck Norris's seemingly-lifeless body was hung up on the wall with a pair of underwear. The hall was flooded with toilet water chin-high and the message "Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle" was written in blood (on the ceiling). Suddenly, all the other twerps and teachers came swimming up to the scene. That Toshi guy immediately took out his camera and took like 150 pictures in like 15 seconds, until ShamWow confiscated the camera. Drago, looking at the message, said "Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle? Looks like you're gonna die, Seattleite!" to Harmonica. Harmonica just glared in retaliation. Feltcher pushed his way through the floating crowd and said "What's all this then? Nobody's gonna be dyin' without me watchin'! I love me a good bloody death. The death cries are like orgasms to my ears an-", he stopped and noticed Chucky's body. "YOU KILLED MY PUTTY TAT!" Feltcher exclaimed. "Um, asshole, I didn't touch the cat. I mean, did you NOT see the message on the ceiling? GOD!" "How do I know you're NOT that tall? You could've done a spell!" Feltcher added as he grabbed Harry's throat and dunked his head into the water, intending on killing him. Everybody in the crowd just laughed as they watched (including his "best friends") and that's when Drugwhore came in with his SPAS-12 and shoved it up Feltcher's nose to get him to stop (ya know, like Evil Dead and shit). He then shot the floor instead to lower the water level and bring things back to normal. "Everybody, get back to the FUCKING common rooms, and all the teachers get back to the FUCKING teacher's lounge NOW! The king has spoken!" Drugwhore said as he waved around that SPAS-12 like a drunken cowboy. "Did I say everybody? I meant everybody but the 3 main FUCKING characters, we need to interrogate them." The teacher's interrogated them, and very harshly I might add, although Drugwhore didn't allow Feltcher to get involved (thank God). "Don't worry Feltcher, Chuck ain't FUCKING dead yet, but she does have Spiral Meningitis. Therefore, she will be rushed to Dr. Gottfried's." Drugwhore said as he patted Feltcher on the back for comfort. "Spiral Meningitis? That isn't even a REAL disease! She's OBVIOUSLY just petrified!" Harmonica added in, folding her arms and rolling her eyes like the know-it all smarty-pants that she is. Trying to be as pretentious as possible, Mr.Grohl/Lockjaw stated "Petrified! Oh, damn! If only I had been there, I could have saved this poor feline, with my trusty bass that I used in Nirvana." This comment raised Harry's suspision, "Dave FUCKING Grohl? with a BASS?! This can't be THE Dave Grohl!" he thought to himself. He did remember that Dave Grohl DID play Krist Novoselic's bass at Nirvana's Unplugged performance, making him feel a little better but, regardless, he just couldn't help feeling uneasy about Lockjaw. While the trio went up the not-so-faulty elevator, they discussed Harry's schizophrenic demon that was whispering about "cancer". He said to them "I'm not schizo, every wizard hears demons sometimes, right?". "No Harry, wizards don't regularly hear voices like that, with the exception of Hashpipe, but I think he's actually schizophrenic. Anyways, Harry, this is not a good sign." Harmonica replied. "Yeah, don't tell anyone about it Harry, except for us 'cuz we're your pals, but if you tell anyone else they'll lock you up in the Institute for the Wizardly Insane. All the famous bad wizards were there for at least one point in their lives. Let's see, Voltagefart was there, Saruman the White, Lanfear, the Wicked Witch of the West, the White Witch, Oprah Winfrey, the list goes on!" Bong added. Harry then told them that he definitely would not want to be in a cell with the Wicked Witch of the West and the gang moved on their way and went to bed.

The next day, they went to McGoogoogoggles' class to learn how to turn animals into hookahs. McGoog turned her pet chimpanzee into a hookah as a demonstration and then asked who wanted to go first. Not wanting to wait a mere 3 seconds, she chose Bong to go. He had this really ugly rat that had like 11 fingers and he tried so hard to turn it into a hookah, but since his bong was faulty (like the stairs), it just turned into the SHAPE of a hookah and he got an 'F'. Harmonica then raised her hand and wanted to know what the significance of the phrase "Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle" was. "It's a Nirvana song. Ya know, 'I miss the comfort in being sa-'!" Harry said. He was interrupted by McGoogoogoggles, who told him that he would get an 'F' as well if he didn't shut his pile-hole and then she explained. "You all know that Hogfarts was founded 45 million years ago right? By the 4 greatest witches and wizards of the time: Sammich Sniffenwhore, Hoser Huffnpuff, Redherring Ravinbong, and Sleazebag Slideitin. 3 of them didn't care who the hell got admitted to the school as long as they could use magic, but one did." "I bet ya it was Sleazebag, you know those Slideitin guys!" Bong whispered to Harry. "Pipe down Weasel or you'll get another 'F'!" McGoog said, and then she continued: "Sleazebag Slideitin wanted to only admit people from Detroit and wanted to kill anyone from Seattle. Everyone else told him to fuck off, so he decided to just quit. And according to legend, Sleazebag built a secret meth lab somewhere in the school, dubbed 'The Secret Stash'. And shortly before leaving, he sealed off the meth lab until the time when one of his descendants would come and open it. Only his stupid descendants can open it and let loose the ugly-ass monster he put there to kill anyone from Seattle. Naturally, the school has been searched many times, but all of us teachers are always too high or drunk to find it." "What does legend tell us is in the stash?" Harmonica asked. "I just told you, you stupid bitch: an ugly-ass monster and a meth lab" McGoog replied, and then it cuts to them randomly in the hallway where Bong starts up a conversation with "Do you think there really is a 'Secret Stash'? I mean, with all that meth we could make millions!" "Couldn't you tell you stupid moron? McGoogoogoggles looked like she was about to crap a castle, and so did every other teacher when they saw the message." Harmonica said. Harry replied with "If there really is a Secret Stash and it's been opened then-" "That means one of Sleazebag's stupid moronic descendants opened it and we're all gonna die. The question is, who is it?" Harmonica interrupted. "Isn't obvious? A guy who loves everyone from Detroit and hates everyone from Seattle? It's Drago Fukboy." Bong said. "No way, he's too intellectially-devoid." Harmonica replied. "Maybe Bong's right, I mean, the whole Fukboy family's been in the Slideitin house for like a million years!" Harry said. Bong then added "Crap and Gargle must know, maybe we can threaten them with Rape's Magnum to tell us." "Jesus Bong, they're too stupid to know their own names. But there is another way, but we'd be breaking practically every rule and possibly be thrown in Asskabin, and it will be disgusting. Very disgusting." Harmonica said. They then went to the library where, after countless hours of searching though books, Harmonica found Most Disgusting Potions. "Here it is, the Peckerjuice Potion. If not made with your head up your ass, it will allow you to temporarily turn into someone else." she told the other two. "You mean if me and Harry drink that disgusting crap we'll turn to Crap and Gargle? AWESOME! Fukboy will tell us anything!" "Exactly, but it's horrible. I've never seen a more disgusting potion." "Well how long will it take to make?" Harry asked. "Just under a week, but we have to get their pubic hairs, hence the name." "Are you shittin' me? I mean, in less than a week the whole school could get hit by a second Holocaust. Plus, how the hell are we gonna get their pubic hairs, GOD!" (you don't need to know who said that) "Well, I do have this red lingerie I could use." "Wait, you're gonna let them bone you? I expected more of you!" Harry exclaimed. Bong then raised his hand and said "Those of us in favor of Harmonica having sex with them and us watching, raise your hand." Harry raised his hand as well and said to Harmonica "I guess you're having sex with them." "Will this be your first time?" Bong asked, which resulted in her hitting him in the face with the book. "Does that mean yes? Ya know, once for yes, twice for no?" She then quit hitting him, just made a mad face and walked off. Bong walked after her screaming "Is that a maybe then?" "How can it be a maybe man? Either you have or you haven't, GOD!" It then cuts to the next day as Harry was preparing himself for his first Spinage match. It was the Metal Milita against the Symphony of Destruction, and the band that was going to perform was Ravinbong's. The Ravinbong band featured Luna on bass (you don't know her, but she'll appear sometime in the near future), Sumting Wong on vocals (same goes for her), a drum machine, and some unknown sleazebag on guitar (don't know his name, so we'll just call him Pat) and they were gonna play some Anthrax covers. Back to the Militia, just before they were about to enter the field, Harry asked Morgan "So what am I doing? All you told me was that I was the sneaker or something and that I was a weiner." "Well yeah you're a weiner, but you're the SEEKER! Your job is to catch the Golden Bitch before the Symphony does. There's two other types of balls: one called the Burger that looks like a burger, and we don't have a name for the other ball so we just call it 'the other ball'." "Oh okay thanks. So how dangerous is this game?" Harry said, asking more questions than a 4-year-old. Before Morgan could even open his mouth, Harry heard two familiar voices explain it to him. "Somebody at least goes into a 5-year coma once a game" they said in unison. Then, out of the blue and no explanation, those identical dudes from Bong's family, Gred and Forge, walked up to Harry suited up as if they were gonna play Spinage as well. "Are you guys playing Spinage too?" Harry asked them. They both replied in unison with "Of course, we're the meat-beaters! Our job is to fend off the demonic burgers so less people die!" The doors opened to the field, and Harry was so scared that he was about to hide behind Morgan Wood and pee his pants. Both of the idiotic teams flew to their sides of the field, and the game began!

We're gonna take the part of the announcer here:

Sniffenwhore scored 10 points right off! Slideitin were cheating like bastards! Somebody hit the Burger towards Morgan Wood and it knocked his head off and he died! Sniffenwhore scored another 20 points! Slideitin made a come back and scored 40 points by cheating, oh wait, they scored another 30 points by cheating! Harry was flying around like a chicken without a head! Drago called Harry a "chicken wuss" and flew off! The burger got mad and it caught on fire and it chased after Harry!

We're going to the crowd for a second...

"That burger must be faulty, those Slideitin bastards musta paid somebody off to do that!" Hashpipe yelled. Bong picked up his obviously-broken bong (that was held together with duct-tape) and said "I'll save you Harry!" "No you stupid moron, you'll probably just kill Harry" Harmonica said as she slapped the bong out of his hand.

Back to the announcer shit:

The burger was still after Harry! Drago screamed at Harry again with these exact words: "Training to be a figure-skater Pothead?" What a stupid fuck, the Golden Bitch was right next to him and he didn't even notice! Harry noticed it and then Drago chased Harry down and started punching Harry in the face! We lost them, they were underneath the crowdstands! We heard breaking! Some weird Asian kid took pictures of it and showed us later! They resurfaced and Drago fell to the ground and broke his ballsack (thank God, we didn't want any of his babies hangin' around). Harry's arm got broken by the Burger! It looked like we had a second casualty, Harry fell to the ground and blood was gushing from his eye-socket!

Back to the regular book stuff (for real this time):

Harry ripped the Golden Bitch out of his eye socket and won the game for Sniffenwhore. In a panic, all of his friends (what friends you say? well go with it!) rushed to his aid and, before they could get there, the Burger made a comeback and tired to kill him. Harmonica made it there in the nick of time, just before the Burger smashed into his face, and destroyed it with a magic spell. The parts just went flying everywhere and hit Harry in the stomach, and then Grohl/Lockjaw arrived. "Don't worry Harry, I'll fix your arm up right away! Then I'll get to that eye" he told Harry. Harry responded with a seriously scared look on his face and said "No, not you, I'd rather take Hashpipe's help over yours." "He doesn't know what he's saying, he's got amnesia" Lockjaw told the rest of the crowd that had gathered around by that point. He was about to use the "Abbazabba" curse on him (the one that kills people), but did not say the last syllable as he was interrupted by Hashpipe screaming "No, not that one you fucking moron!" Hashpipe then shoved Lockjaw out of the way and proceeded to take him to Dr. Gottfried's. While in the doctor's office, Drago was whining like a bitch with Crap and Gargle at his side like it was their wife in that bed. "Shut up you fuckhole, it's just a ballsack injury!" Dr. Gottfried said as he was racing to Harry (who had more visitors than Drago). Initially, Gottfried mistook Bong for Harry (for some reason) and exclaimed "Jesus, this kid looks like he's already dead! Why didn't you just take him to the morge?" "Um, I'm not Harry, he's the one in the bed bleeding from his eye socket." "Oh right, I was just testing you!" After getting a brief glimpse of Harry, Gottfried yelled "Jesus, the kid who's really dying looks like he just came outta Iraq! I mean, his EYE is missing and he has third-degree burns on his left arm and it's also broken!" "Are you gonna be able to fix his eye Dr. Gottfried?" Harmonica asked. "I'll be able to do it, but I'll have to call up Dr. Hong at our Wizarding Doctor Training Center in Los Angeles. I can fix the arm right now though, just drink this!" Harry drank the cup full of a glowing green substance and spit it out right away. "Eew, this tastes worse than the hunks of fat the Scurveys fried up for me using piss as the sauce, GOD!" "What, you expect something that's good for you to TASTE good? I mean, everyone knows the stuff that's good for you tastes like crap. My unborn children even know it, so quit your whining and drink the whole bottle!" Gottfried told him. Later that night, Harry was laying in his hospital bed feeling sorry for himself (looking like a grunge-rocker) when he heard the creepy voice again saying the same old stuff. He looked down and suddenly there was this humanish-looking monkey in his face that said "Hello, I'm Doobie, the house monkey!" "Who?!" Harry asked him. "Harry Pothead should have listened to me when I told him not to come to school." "You never told me shit, I've never seen you before in my life!" "Oh, well I guess I forgot to tell you that. I lived under your bed at the Scurveys'!" "You lived under a pile of newspapers? So that's where all my stuff went, you were playing with it weren't you!" Doobie just replied "Yep!" with a shit-eating grin and then added "And you shouldn't have come to school when you couldn't get on the train!" "So you're the ugly bastard that put the force-field around the train. Me and Bong had to use his parents' flying car and we almost got thrown in Asskabin thanks to you!" "You should go home! I thought my burger would make you wanna go!" Doobie told him. "You basically almost got me killed by LOCKJAW?!" "It's okay Harry, I punished myself by dropping a safe on my head." "You better make like a tree and get outta here right now before Gottfried comes back with my new eye and I kill you!" Harry threatened. Doobie jumped off his bed in fear and just said "WWWWWOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHHH!" as he fell to the floor. He got up and just said so casually "It's okay Harry, Doobie gets threatened with death over 50 times a day at my master's house." "Wait, you're a slave? Why do you hate my guts and want me dead?" "I don't hate Harry Pothead, Doobie was only trying to protect him 'cuz Harry Pothead is a teen idol to all the house monkeys everywhere! We were treated like complete crap before you killed that guy that we can't say the name of, but of course Doobie's still treated like crap." Doobie then started crying like a little girl and started blowing his nose on his ragetty-ass shirt that he bought at a ghetto clothes shop over in Compton. "Why do you wear that ghetto garb?" Harry asked him. "It means that us house monkeys are getting put down by the man. Doobie could only be freed if his master brings him clean underwear. Anyways, this school is going to shit, Harry Pothead must not stay here before that thing that happened a long time ago happens again!" "You mean this crap's happened before?!" "Woah, I shouldn't have said that!" Doobie said as he disappeared like Skeeter. Hearing people coming, Harry jumped into his bed so they would think he was asleep. He heard Drugwhore say "There's been another attack!" "Who is it now?" Dr. Gottfried asked in a very annoyed tone. "It's Toshiro, I think he's gotten Spiral Meningitis. Maybe he managed to get a picture of his attacker" Harry heard McGoogoogoggles say. Drugwhore then picked up Toshi's camera, which exploded right in his hand and made him look like a burn-victim and said "This is just great, I mean all these kids that are paying for me to fly here from Los Angeles everyday. It's just as we've feared, the Secret Stash has been opened again." Harry just laid still in his bed looking shocked and pathetic.

Once Harry got his new eye, he was discharged from the hospital so him and his pals went to the obsolete little girls' room to make the Peckerjuice Potion. Harmonica started a dumb conversation with "So apparently the stash has been opened before?" "Don't ya see? Loserass had to have done it when he went to school, so it is the Fukboy family!" Bong replied. "Maybe so, but we have to make the Peckerjuice Potion." Bong, about as confused as Harry was in the first chapter at Olivelicker's, said "Speaking of that, why the fuck are we making it in broad daylight in the girls' WC?" "Nobody uses this bathroom anymore." Harmonica replied. "Why? I mean, GOD!" "Because of Macking Megan." "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT, GOD!" Suddenly, some weird ghostly thingy appeared out of nowhere and screamed "I'M MACKING MEGAN!" right in Harry's ugly face. "I know none of you cunts know about me because I'm a long-dead glasses chick." the ghost said while sobbing like a baby. She then freaked out and flew in the toilet, and Harmonica said "She's a little fucked up." It suddenly cuts away to Lockjaw hosting some weird duel thing in the great hall. "Everybody get around the stage thing I put here and watch me kick Rape's ass! I'm doing this to teach you guys how to defend yourself so you don't end up like my dear friend Kurt Copenhagen, who died 'cuz his wife strangled him to death with a sock." Lockjaw said. He threw a drum stick into the audience, which started a small riot over who got it. Trying to be dark and pretentious, Rape walked onto the stage not saying a single word. The beginning of the duel was largely taken up by a 30 minute staring match (ya know, like in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly) but things picked up when Rape cast some spell on Lockjaw that sent him crashing through the window. "Do you think he's still alive?" Harmonica asked, to which Bong replied by screaming "Who gives a fuck?!" Even our buddy Harry was smirking at the obvious phony by this point cutting his ass on broken glass. "I'm alright!" Lockjaw said as he climbed through the window to get even with Rape. "Why don't we teach the students something other than how to throw people through the window, like blocking spells or something." Rape suggested. Lockjaw agreed to this, but pussied out again 'cuz his ass was bleeding profusely and that he needed to check himself into the hospital. But before leaving, he suggested that Harry and Bong get into a bloody fight, to which Rape replied "Don't do Bong, his bong is so damaged that it would cause World War III just by trying to levitate a feather, and it would send Pothead back to Gottfried's in a hand basket. How about I suggest someone from my own house, Drago Fukboy." Drago stepped up onto the stage acting all cool like he was the new teen sensation, blowing kisses to the ladies and throwing his underwear into the audience. This scared Lockjaw severely, causing him to puke up blood, vomit, beer and Slayer albums all at the same time and he said "Good luck Harry!" as he was running out of the room. "EAT A COCK YOU FREAK!" Harry screamed to the phony, to which Drago (even though that's not who Harry was talking to) replied "Oh, so you're still on that kick where you think I'm gay and wanna do you?" "No, I was talking to Lockjaw you stupid bastard!" Harry and Drago then got into similar positions as Rape and Lockjaw and began their duel. They were constantly casting random spells back and forth at each other, and Drago cast a spell called "bacon sauce eater" and summoned a demonic pig. The demonic pig walked towards Harry, and some idiot in the crowd said "I'll stop it!" and cast some spell that just provoked it. It went even more evil and tried to eat Harry's face, but he calmed it down by talking to it in some weird, unidentifyable language (like Chinese and shit, ya know?). Harry had a long in-depth conversation with it, even though no one could understand him everyone could only assume that they were telling each other how their day was going and what bands to check out. Rape, greatly freaked out by this, cast some spell that exploded the pig into several pieces, which resulted in bacon flying everywhere and that ended up being dinner for the night. Stunned at Harry, some random freak in the audience said to him "Hey, what the fuck are you playing at? FREAK!" "Eat a corroded piece of crap FAGGOT!" Harry replied while storming off to the Sniffenwhore common room. Bong and Harmonica followed him and, once they caught up with him, Bong said "Woah, you never told me you could speak Farmanese!" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "You can talk to farm animals, Harry." Harmonica said. "I know, I purposefully sent a huge stampede of cows after my cousin Pudley once, but it was just once, so what?! I'm sure everyone and their brother here can do it!" "No, they can't Harry. Not many people can do it. This is very disturbing." Harmonica told him. "What's disturbing about it? If I didn't tell that pig not to eat my leg, it would have eaten everyone there!" "So that's what you said to it" Bong said, "I thought you were telling it your favorite records or something." "You heard me, you were there, GOD!" "All I heard was you speaking Farmanese, ya know, the farm animal language." Bong said. "I spoke a different language? But I didn't even know. How do I speak a language when I don't consciously do it?" "I don't know Harry, but to me it sounded like you were telling the pig to go kill Drago or something. Listen to me, there's a reason the Slideitin house symbol thing is a barn. Sleazebag Slideitin could speak to farm animals as well." (this sounds so smart and shit that you can pretty much bet it's Harmonica) "Exactly, now everyone's gonna think you're his great, great, great, great, great, great, great grand something or other." Bong said. "But I'm not. It's impossible, GOD!" "He lived 45 million years ago, for all we know, you're one of his ugly descendants." Its cuts away to some fucking class or something that we can't indentify (deal with it), Harry was just sitting there and everyone was staring at him like he was a fucking freak ('cuz he is) and he got up and yelled "What, do I look like the male Lady Gaga or something?! GOD!" He then turned to his "friends" and said "I'm gonna go kill myself, bye guys" and kicked over his chair. "Alright, tell me how it goes!" Bong replied. "But Bong, your best friend just said that he's going to commit suicide. Don't you care?" "No not really, he says that like every day." On his way back to the Sniffenwhore common room, he heard that "cancer" guy again and he began to follow the voice down the hall where he found some weird ghost that strikingly resembled Graham Chapman petrified. Next to him, he found another petrified guy (except he was alive) and said "They never invite me to these drug parties! I'll see if he has any left-over dope on him." Feltcher just happened to walk by as he was doing this and exclaimed "Now I'll get you for what you did to Chuck!" and left. "No, Feltch, I didn't do it, I found him like this, I'm just searching him for drugs!" While Harry was feeling even more suicidal, Feltcher came back with McGoogoogoggles and yelled "See, he killed another, throw him in Asskabin immediately!" "He's lying McGoog, I didn't fucking kill him, I found him like this, GOD!" "I can't handle this!" McGoog said as she grabbed Harry by the ear and dragged him to Drugwhore's office. Once they got there, McGoog set him in front of a weird golden turd statue and said "Drugwhore will be waiting for you now." She then said the magic password "Tit Wrench" and a spiral staircase started to form around the turd. Shaking like Michael J. Fox again, Harry walked up the stairs and into Drugwhore's office where he saw The Snorting Hat. "Did you put me in the right house you shoe-polish-smelling mothafucka?!" Harry asked it. "Yes, I always put you twerps in the right houses. But I still go by the same thing I told you a month ago, you would have done good in Slideitin." "You're wrong, I wouldn't do good in Slideitin, GOD!" Harry then went on his way and walked up to Drugwhore's weird bird pet that exploded as soon as he got within 10 feet of it. Panicked, Harry quickly conjured up a Hefty and started to use Drugwhore's Pedophile of the Year trophy as a shovel. After filling the Hefty with the birds ashes, he began to dig a hole under a nearby desk as Drugwhore walked in. "This isn't what it looks like, I didn't do anything to the bird, I found him like this, I was just trying to do my part for the community by burying it!" "It was about time Bawx blew up, he used to only do it on Mondays and Super Bowl Sundays, but for the past 6 months he's been blowing up every Friday. Except on Friday the 13th, when he blew up on Saturday instead" Drugwhore replied with about as much emotional range as a paperclip. A few seconds later, a thing that looked like a baby chicken popped out of the Hefty. "Phoenixs are nifty, like River and Joaquin, they can act and even take on human shape. But this one's better, this breed can lift billions of pounds at once and their piss has healing powers, not to mention they EXPLODE, WHAT'S NIFTIER THAN THAT?!" Drugwhore said. "Woah, to be that strong he must've been like fuckin' Superman or something" Harry replied. "No, I'm talking about British pounds you moron! How do you think I was able to afford building this school? "I heard a rumor that you cheated at Wizard Gambling and then joined the Wizard Mafia." Before Drugwhore could reply, Hashpipe burst into the room and said "Prof. Drugwhore, it wasn't Harry, it was this dead duck I just shot with my 12-gage, I saw him geting a chihuahua stoned!" "SHUT UP HASHPIPE!" Drugwhore yelled as loud as he could (being as old as he is). "I don't belive that Harry got anyone stoned Hashpipe." "Oh okay, well I'll just go give this dead duck to Drago then, I'm on my way!" Hashpipe said as he flew out of them room like The Roaming Gnome. "So you don't think I got all those people stoned Drugwhore?" Harry asked. "No Harry, I don't think it was you, but I must tell you, there are plenty of decaffinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing." "What?!" Harry asked, so confused and wondering what this had to do with him getting people stoned. "Oh sorry, I was thinking of something else, off you go now Harry." "Okay, thanks Drugwhore" Harry replied as he walked out of the room.

Later, Harmonica meets the other two dudes in the Great Hall to tell them that the Peckerjuice Potion is ready and asks who they are turning into. "Crap and Gargle" Bong said. "Aw, why can't I turn into someone cooler like Kurt Cobain? GOD!" "Because, even Drago is smart enough to know that he's dead. Anyways, we need to get their pubic hair, so I'm going to offer them sex" Harmonica replied. Disgusted at the mere thought, Bong exclaimed "Eew, I can't believe you're still going through with this plan Harmonia!" "No worries, I've got it all worked out. See, I'm not really going to have sex with them, I'm just going to offer them sex and then give them some Roofies. Once they're asleep, you guys come to the storage closet and rip out their pubic hairs, and put on their uniforms." Even more grossed out that Bong was a minute ago, Harry said "Eew, we're gonna have to get close to their penises?" "Is a penis the same thing as a dick?" Bong asked stupidly. "Um, yeah Bong" Harmonica replied. "Okay, I was just wondering. So who's pubes are you gonna rip out Harmonica?!" "I've already got mine, it's some chick's cunt hair I found in the Slideitin laundry room on a pair of panties." Harry, for reasons we don't want to know, asked Harmonica "Do you still have those panties?", which ended up getting him slapped. Like an hour later or something, Harmonica wandered the school halls in her red lingerie like a prostitute on Burnside waiting for Crap and Gargle. Once they arrived, she took them by the collars of their robes and dragged them into the storage closet, where Crap and Gargle just stood there aimlessly unsure of what to do. Harmonica offered them drinks (of course with Roofies in them) and as soon as they took one sip they fell to the floor unconscious. After they heard the big thump from outside, Harry and Bong ran into the storage closet where they proceeded with the disgusting deed. "I can't do this, I can't do this!" Bong exclaimed, about to vomit in his mouth as if he has just heard Tim Timebomb and Friends' version of "Brown-Eyed Girl". To help his best friend out in this painful time, Harry summoned some sort of tape roller for him to use. They ripped the pubes out in like 5 seconds and immediately, they ran to the haunted girls' bathroom where Harry and Bong washed their hands about 20 times while Macking Megan was hitting on them. "Do my hands still smell like penis?!" Harry said as he shoved his hands to Bong's nose. "Yeah, there's still a hint of cock on them." In the midst of all this, Harmonica began dishing up the Peckerjuice Potion into 3 individual cups. After Harry and Bong got the cock-smell off of their hands, Harmonica put the pubic hairs in and, while handing it to them, said "You will only be transformed for one hour, and you'll be able to tell it's wearing off by feeling like you're about to have a massive diarrhea attack. And when that happens get out of there." They all made a toast and once they began drinking, all three of them ran into the stalls to puke their guts out. In the stall, Harry looked into the toilet water at himself turning into Gargle. "Hey look Bong, I'm ugly! Oh wait, you're ugly too" Harry said. "No shit, and I also have a bad back, look how short I am!" When they got face to face, Bong yelled out "Oh my god, you're actually taller than me!" "Oh shit we still sound the same, we need to sound more like the moron brothers. Try to do your Crap impression Bong!" In a voice sounding similar to Mr. Gumby, Bong said "How's this?" "That's great, sounds just like him!" Harry said. "By the way, has Harmonica come out of the bathroom stall Harry?" "I'm not coming, go on without me!" Harmonica yelled from the stall. "What do you think is wrong with her Harry?" "Oh, she probably started her period or something, let's just go." They walked the halls for 20 minutes looking for the Slideitin common room, where they were spotted by Percy. "You're not supposed to be out at this time of night!" Percy said, charging at them with a bit of wood. Percy calmed down once he got up to them, and then he said "Wait, who are you anyway?" As soon as Harry tried to introduce themselves, Drago came along. "Crap, Gargle, have the both of you been selling weed in the Great Hall again?!" Drago exclaimed. When he looked up at "Gargle", he asked "Why the hell are you wearing glasses you ugly fatass?!" "Oh, I was reading." "Reading? I didn't know you could read." "And what are you doing down here you dick-licking son of a bitch?!" Drago said to Percy. "I am walking the halls looking for someone to beat senseless, and if you don't move along I'll make Chris Brown beating up Rihanna look like a kiddy-ride." "C'mon guys, let's get the fuck out of this fuckin' jip-joint, with this fuckin' faggot Percy. You cock smoker!" Drago said. At the Slideitin common room, Drago flopped his ass on a really ugly green leather couch and told the other two "Sit down, you're ooging me out." Drago began to give a really long-ass speech, he said "It's amazing to think that the Weasels are pure-blood wizards, they're an embrrassment to the wizarding world, every single last one of them all the way down to their sperm." Bong began loading up his mother's Smith & Wesson, to which Drago asked "What's wrong with you Crap?" "Stomach ache" Bong said. "Kind of a weird way to counter a stomach ache Crap, but as I was saying: It's very interesting that The Daily Poophead hasn't reported any of the random attacks on random people. I bet Drugwhore is sucking their cocks or bribing them to shut the hell up. My dad always did say that Drugwhore is the worst thing that's ever happened to this place." "YOU'RE WRONG QUEER!" Harry yelled. Angered by this, Drago got up and got right in his face and said "What?! You think there's someone worse than Drugwhore?! C'mon, spit it out!" "Harry Pothead?" "You do have a point, even though you're almost entirely stupid. And people actually think that Pothead is the great great great something or other of Slideitin, it's disgusting." "Well you must have some idea who's behind it all?" "No I don't Gargle, I told you about 38 times during lunch today. How many fucking times to I hafta tell ya you stupid prick?!" Drago then picks up a 50 dollar wizard bill and asks Gargle "Is this yours?", to which Harry shook his head no and Drago put it in his pocket. "My dad said that like 50 years ago, The Secret Stash was opened. He wouldn't tell me who opened it, only that they got their ass sacked. The last time it was opened, a Seattleite died, so it's only a matter of time before one of them is killed this time. As for me, I hope it's Stranger." Bong jumped up out of his seat pointing the gun at Drago while Harry had to restrain him. "What the hell has gotten into you two?! You're acting too smart for the Crap and Gargle I know." "He didn't take his crazy pills this morning, and he's going into cardiac arrest, he'll pull through don't worry." Harry said. "Is it just me Harry or do I feel like I'm about to shit my pants?" "I feel it too, let's get the hell out of here!" "Hey come back, I'm not finished talking to you!" Drago yelled. They got back to the haunted bathroom and yelled for Harmonica to come out. "We have a fuck load to tell you Harmonica!" said Bong. "Go away!" Harmonica yelled. Macking Megan came out of the stall and said to the two "You should see her, it's really awesome and weird!" "Harmonica, are you okay?" Harry asked. "Do you remember me telling you that I got the hair from human panties? It was gorilla hair I got off those panties, don't ask me how, but look at my face!" "Can I feel your face?" Bong asked. Later that day, Harry and Bong returned to the common room after dropping Harmonica off at Dr. Gottfried's and Bong said "I hope Harmonica gets out of the hospital soon." "She will, as long as she stops throwing barrels at the Italian students" Harry replied. A few flights up, they noticed gallons of water rushing down the stairs from the haunted bathroom. "It's Hurricane Sandy all over again, we're done for Harry!" Bong cried as he grabbed Harry's shirt. "Nah, Macking Megan's just being a cunt again, let's go see what's up her ass" Harry said. They got to the bathroom and there they found a really girly-looking diary with an exploded stick of dynamite strapped to it. "What the fuck is this?" Harry said as he picked up the diary.

Big Cheese

Harry Pothead chapter 2 (part 2)

Sobbing like a bitch, Megan said "Come to shove something else up my ass?" "Why would we shove something up your ass?" Harry replied. "I don't know, I was just sitting there on the toilet, minding my own business thinking about how Green Day just got inducted and how I'd like to go, when someone shoved a book and a stick of dynamite up my ass!" "What, did they like put their arm through the toilet or something, like Darnel? Ya remember that My Name Is Earl episode Harry?" "Of course, I love that show man!" As Harry and Bong were fanboying, Megan got right in their faces and screamed "I DON'T KNOW, IT JUST HAPPENED!" "Wait, how can someone go up your ass anyway? You're like a ghost or a, photo plasma or---shit, what's that fancy word for ghost again?" Bong said. "Phantasm, GOD!" "Oh yeah that's right, let's all just shove stuff up Megan's ass! Let's see if we can shove something all the way up through her head!" "Woah bitch, just chill" Harry said sticking his hands up in defense. "I'm never talking to you again, either of you!" Megan said as she floated away.

Harry and Bong took the book back to Percy's study, laughing as they were gonna check it out. "I wonder whose diary this is, let's see if there's some juicy stuff in here!" Harry said. As he flipped through the diary, he saw nothing but blank pages except for "YTP" on the first page. "This is boring, let's burn it!" "No Bong, let's write in it! Try to have as much fun with it as we can before we burn it!" "Okay Harry, well get writing!" "Okay, here it goes" Harry said as he simply wrote "I am Harry Pothead." Suddenly, the two heard a mysterious voice reply "Hello Harry Pothead." "Who said that?!" Bong said as he backed up against the wall, about ready to shit himself. "Oh man this is fun, I'll write something else!" "No Harry don't, my grandparents had a computer that did this, except all it did was laugh but whatever. And let's not burn it, what if it releases evil spirits like this Blue Oyster Cult record I had." "Bong, quit being such a sissy!" Harry replied as he wrote "Did you kill Kurt Cobain?" into the diary. "No", responded the voice. "Did ya fuck Kurt Cobain?" "No!" "Did ya fuck Courtney Love?" "Definitely not." "Do you like Nirvana?" "Not particularly." Angered by the answer, Harry wrote "Who the fuck do you think you are anyway?!" "I am Tom Macaroon Piddle." "Oh, I wanna ask you, are you a guy or a girl? Like, is Tom short for Thomasina or what?" Harry wrote. "Do I sound like a girl?" "I don't know, you could be using some sort of voice changer or something." "Hey Bong, what should I ask now?" "Ask about The Secret Stash, that's what Harmonica would want you to do." "Alright fine," Harry replied as he wrote "Do you know anything about The Secret Stash here at Hogfarts?" "Yes" the voice responded. "Can you tell me?" "No, but I can tell you---oh shit, I mean show you. Let me take you back 50 years ago to 1965." "Wait, 1965?! NO!" Harry said as got sucked into the book. "I knew this book was bad news, it's just like the car in Repo Man, it left Harry's shoes!" Shortly after Bong said this, Percy came into the study and as soon as he saw the diary, he yelled "What's this rubbish doing in my study?!" as he ran and threw it out the window. In 1965, everything at Hogfarts including the ceiling, the walls, the students, the staff, The Snorting Hat was all tie dye. When Harry first arrived to the flashback, he was standing next to some stoner-looking guy with dreadlocks on the stairs. "Are you Tom Piddle?" Harry asked the stoner. With no response, Harry realized that nobody could hear him in this memory sequence. He gazed up the stairs to see a bunch of sad-sap hippies in black tie-dye carrying a dead body on a stretcher downward. "Holy shit, that dead bitch is Macking Megan! Too bad I left my camera back at Percy's study. Oh fuck, I also forgot my copy of Ride the Lightning there!" Back in the real world, Percy found the camera and the record and said "What's this fucking rubbish?!" as he threw the camera out the window. "And what's this?! Metallica Ride the Lightning?! Fucking rock music, I can't believe they're the house band. If it ain't Lionel Richie I ain't listening to it, fucking rubbish!" Percy said as he broke the record over his knees and threw the pieces out the window yet again. "Now, to calm my nerves, I'll put Can't Slow Down on the turntable." Back in tie dye land, Harry hears a disturbingly-young Drugwhore voice call out "Piddle". Harry looked back and there he saw Drugwhore with an afro, rose-tint subglasses, and a braided beard that went all the way down to the floor. "That's fuckin' Drugwhore?!" Harry said to himself, in shock from what he had just seen. As soon as McGoogoogoggles came out, Harry was even more shocked as she was a hot, young hippie chick with long blonde hair, a bandana, face paint, bell-bottom jeans and a blue tie-dye sweater. McGoog started hanging all over Drugwhore and said to Piddle "Yo Piddle, whatcha doin' up this late at night yo?!" "I have to agree with McGoog here Piddle, we're doing an early morning showing of Hair and you wouldn't wanna miss that, would you?" Drugwhore said. "Well, normally I wouldn't want to miss Hair as it's the best movie of all time, but headmaster, I just had to see if the rumors were true." Piddle said as he walked towards the teachers "What rumors man? Only rumors I've been hearing is Fleetwood Mac's new album man." "Right on Drugwhore, yo yo yo." McGoog replied. Annoyed, Piddle replied "The rumors of The Secret Stash." "Man, there ain't no secret stash, there's stashes everywhere, it's a free for all. I have a stash in my pillow for shit's sake! That girl just died of an overdose, it happens all the time these days." Drugwhore said as he turned around to leave. "What if I can prove The Secret Stash was opened?!" Piddle said. "Whatever little man, you've got some anger issues, your aura is really dark man, you should just go to bed man, so you can see Hair man, okay? Hair, Hair, Hair! Maybe you'll be chill after you watch that movie, okay? Now Elvis is leaving the building, okay?!" As Drugwhore started to walk off with McGoog in his arms, he stopped and said "Oh by the way man, we might be closing the school, okay dude? Have an awesome night I guess." "But I'm homeless!" Piddle distrautly said. Angered, Piddle marched down the halls like a nazi looking for a Jew and Harry followed him. He stopped at a room with a large door and when he opened it, it revealed a room not much bigger than Harry's old room at the Scurvey's. Within was Hashpipe talking to some critter in a giant miso barrel. "I'm sorry Hashpipe, but I'm gonna have to turn you in! I don't think you met for your precious pet to kill anybody." "You can't, they'll put her down for being too weird!" Hashpipe replied. "The dead girls' parents will be here tomorrow, the least Hogfarts can do is make sure the thing that killed their daughter gets sold to a Vietnamese restaurant." "It wasn't her, she didn't kill no one, ever!" "Giant green mountain lions don't make good pets Hashpipe." After a five minute screaming match, Piddle conjured up a rocket launcher and exploded the barrel. The hideous creature then leaped from the charred remains of the barrel and began to run for its life. Piddle tried to hit it with various spells and, after a few minutes of pursuit, he ran back to Hashpipe and said to him "They'll have your bong for this, they'll kick your ass out of school." Harry screamed for Hashpipe as he got sucked back into the real world through a vortex that resembled the one in Evil Dead. In the real world, Harry was holding onto a broken shingle to keep from falling the 28 stories downward. After a long brutal struggle with the slippery shingle (it was raining), he made it to a window. He picked up the diary and tried to salvage his camera and record, but they were beyond repair. Once he crawled through the window, he realized he was in McGoogoogoggles' office where he was scarred for life as he saw her getting ready for bed in her purple negligee. McGoog noticed Harry, for which he got a long lecture, lost Sniffenwhore 500,000 house points and also got him an automatic F- in drug transfiguration class. He got dupped out in the hall, and Harry went all the way back to his common room. Sometime later, Harry was talking to his other two compadres outside the school and said "I can't belive that lying fat-ass schizo was the one that opened the stash 50 years ago!" "I don't think it was Hashpipe, he doesn't have the intelligence to put his three-headed poodle in the proper spot to protect a secret stone, I doubt he even open the secret stash if you gave him directions." Harmonica replied. "We don't even know who the fuck Tom Macaroon Piddle is anyway, I still think it's an evil fucking book Harry, we should get rid of it. I think he got Hashpipe in trouble just to get extra privileges at school." Bong added. Harmonica also added some more and said "You know, Hashpipe's our friend, maybe we should just ask him." "Oh, that would be a really happy visit. 'Hey Hashpipe, 50 years ago were you a stupid stoned hippie who had a pet mountain lion named Mountain Girl who went around the school killing everybody?'" Bong replied sarcastically. "Mountain Girl, you wouldn't be talking about The Grateful Dead now would ya?" Hashpipe said as he stood behind them. "Oh, what's that big canister you've got Hashpipe?" Harry asked, quickly trying to change the subject. "Oh, it's scrotum-eating mongoose repelent. They're giving the men who are growing the medical wizard marijuana some trouble. According to Prof. Jane, they're almost done growing, then we'll cure everybody at the hospital with Spiral Meningitis. And meanwhile, you three best be looking out for yourselves." Hashpipe then walked away as if he noticed a lazer aimscope pointed at his head and Sniffle ran up out of nowhere and said "Harry, you better come quick, somebody raided the liquor cabinet!" In the Sniffenwhore booze vault/library, they found the whole place trashed. "Wow, it looks like Metallica was here, and we missed it Harry, they invited Metallica!" Bong said. "Yeah, that's a bummer, we should've been there, GOD!" "Well, why don't we see if anything's missing guys. Like, didn't Harry hide the diary in here?" Harmonica said. After about 15 minutes of searching, they found that Harmonica was right and that Tom Piddle's diary was gone. As he kicked more shit around in anger, Harry said "Damn, I betcha James Hetfield took it to write his new lyrics in! Harmonica, ya have his number?!" "Do I look like I have James Hetfield's number?" "Actually, ya kinda do!" Bong said. "Well, as a matter of fact, I do have his number, and I'll go give him a call right now." With that, Harmonica rushed off and Harry and Bong stayed behind and tried to find something fun to do in the meantime. They decided to play Wizard Clue with Sniffle, and they smoked hookahs while listening to "The Caterpillar" by The Cure. Unfortunately, all three of them passed out as soon as the song was over and didn't finish their game. They woke up four hours later to ShamWow demanding some whiskey, asking where it all went and accusing them of drinking it all. After assuring him they didn't know what happened to it, they walked out and Bong asked Sniffle "What the fuck is wrong with ShamWow today?!" "I know you guys are usually out doing illegal stuff, but he always acts like this when we don't have whiskey." Then, it finally hit them that Harmonica had been gone way too long. "What do you think's keeping Harmonica, Harry?" Bong asked. "Oh, she's probably just having phone sex with James Hetfield, she's fine." "In that case, let's go listen in!" Bong suggested. Heading towards the nearest phone, they found a crowd surrounding a scene secured by crime tape. Percy rushed past the gang, flailing his bit of wood around and knocking students to the ground screaming "Excuse me, I'm head boy, out of the way!" Once he reached the scene, Percy simply said "Wow, that's a pickle" and just walked away. Luckily, his flailing cleared a path for Harry, Bong and Sniffle to get to the crime scene. "Oh golly, there's a body line, eew!" said Neville as he shivered. "Well, why is there no body here?" Bong asked. "This must've been where Harmonica was calling James Hetfield" replied Harry. "Woah, that must've been some rough phone sex!" Bong said with a hint of jealousy in his voice. Sniffle suggested "Let's go check the infirmary guys, she could be there ya know." At the infirmary, the trio found Harmonica in one of the beds petrified. In complete shock and devastation, Bong yelled out "Jesus Harmonica, you said that you were going to get stoned right before midnight, I didn't know you meant literally!" "She has Spiral Meningitis, you stupid twit! And we found her with this!" Dr. Gottfried said as he shoved a CD copy of Staring at the Sea: The Singles by The Cure in Harry's face. "Holy crap buckets, that's mine! What the hell was Harmonica doing with this, did someone hate The Cure so much they got her stoned? GOD!" "I don't know, but maybe you guys should go interrogate Hashpipe, he's been acting really weird lately" Sniffle exclaimed as the other two were panicking as if there was a hidden CD player playing Hole tunes. "Hey that sounds fun, all those in favor of interrogating Hashpipe raise there hand!" Bong replied. The other two just blew him off, and Harry asked "Are you coming with us Sniffle?" "Oh no, I've always been too scared to go to Hashpipe's house quite frankly." "Okay, then me and Bong will just go, catch ya later Sniff!"

An hour or two later, Harry and Bong went to Hashpipe's house and when they knocked on the door, Hashpipe opened the door and fired several shotgun shells outside. They got behind a well-placed pickup truck to hide, from which Harry shouted "It's just us, you friggin' idiot!" Hashpipe calmed down almost instantly and said "Oh it's just you, by the way have you seen my copy of The Thing That Ate Floyd? It went mysteriously missing and I can't just let it go, it had the Laytonville address on the back!" "No we haven't, and why the hell did you automatically start shooting at us when we knocked on the door? Who were you expecting, Peter Jackson?" Harry asked. Quickly trying to change the subject, Hashpipe replied "Yes actually, oh man I hate his movies, but that's not important" and then asked if the two wanted some beer. They went inside, and while drinking their beer Harry asked "Hashpipe, are you alright? You're acting like the feds are after you or something. Oh by the way, did you hear about Harmonica?" "Yeah I heard about that, it's such a loss" Hashpipe said as we wept like a little bitch. Trying to talk with a mouth full of beer, Bong garbled "Hashpipe, did you open The Secret Stash, or know someone who did?" As Hashpipe tried to explain, there was a knock at the door again. Panicked, Hashpipe shoved a lampshade on Bong's head and told Harry to act like a fan and said "You two stay like the good old appliances you're supposed to be." Hashpipe then went to open the door reluctantly with his shotgun in hand. He opened the door to Drugwhore, who said "Hashpipe, I need some larks vomit for Rape, do you happen to have some? Oh, and this guy wants to talk to you about throwing you in the slammer or something." Bong gasped as he quietly said to Harry "Oh my god, that's dad's boss Pack Fudge! He's the minister of Things on Top of Other Things! "Hashpipe, I need to look good in front of my lackeys so I'm going to book you for the attacks on the kids, but what I'm really booking you for is what you've done in the past" Fudge said as if he was gagging on a crunchy frog. "What do you mean, you're taking me to prison for that thing you think I did?! Trust me Drugwhore, the rumors are not true!" Hashpipe wailed like a banshee. Drugwhore replied "Whatever Hashpipe, it never happened even know I have no clue what anyone is talking about." "You see, Hashpipe's record is against him, he was seen streaking through the Ministry of Things on Top of Other Things eight times this last month and he has 87 counts of illegal possession of weird creatures. I've got to take him" Fudge said. The door opened yet again, and this time it was Loserass coming to ruin everyone's life as usual. "What are you doing here? Get outta my house before I smash your face in with my new frying pan!" Like the rich snob he is, Loserass said "Believe me, I take no pleasure in being in your--- Wait, what smells like red hair and glasses kid? And what is that?!" Loserass looked straight at Harry and Bong and, in a panic, Bong said "Don't mind us we're just a fan and a lamp!" which got him punched in the balls by Harry. Because he's a moron, Loserass did not notice them at all and just took a photo off of the mantle of the fireplace and quickly dropped it on the floor. "I thought I'd seen it all but I guess that's not true. Anyways, me and the other governors have decided to have you impeached, Drugwhore. Here's the legal documents, you will find all 42 signatures" Loserass said with a face of disgust that slowly evolved into a shit-eating grin. "I have no clue what you just said, but it sounded like something about peaches and I will gladly do whatever this is if I get peaches!" Drugwhore exclaimed. As Drugwhore took the paper and went to go find his "peaches", Hashpipe yelled "If you take Drugwhore away, this whole school will do to hell in a hand-basket! The Seattleites won't stand a chance!" "C'mon Fudge, let's go!" Loserass said as if he was talking to his wife. "I'll be right there Loserass. Now come on Hashpipe, we've got to go." "Before I go to prison I have some last words: I would like to say to myself that if anyone wanted to find out where to get some good shit just follow the pussies. Yep, that sounds about right. Oh, and someone will need to feed Shithead while I'm in the slammer" Hashpipe said as Fudge put handcuffs on him and escorted him outside. "Pussie?! Oh my god Harry, we might get laid!" Bong whispered. As they got outside, they noticed a trail of kittens going into the Fucked-Up Forest and Harry said "Um Bong, I don't think that's the pussy Hashpipe was talking about." "Ah damn it, why couldn't it have been 'Follow the vaginas'?!" "Quit your fucking bitching Bong. You have nothing to bitch about, like, you're life is actually pretty good, so let's go and fuckin' do this for Harmonica, GOD!" Bong tried to pull himself together as he thought of his beloved Harmonica and said "Yeah, maybe if I save her she'll go out with me. You think I've got a chance with her, Harry?!" "I don't know man, you're kind of a pleb, but we're equally plebs, so you have as good of a chance of getting a chick as me." "That's not really making me feel any better, Harry." Bong replied. "Well just shut up and let's do this, GOD!" The duo proceeded to follow the kittens, most of them being green-tint with six legs, tusks, spikes on their backs and 80% of them had 10 eyes. As Bong was tripping over himself trying not to step on the kittens, he said "Harry, don't these kittens kinda creep you out? I mean, they're a glowing fluorescent green color." "Just up Bong, just focus on the goal. FOCUS ON THE GOAL!" They noticed an old run-down farm house out in the forest, and Harry shouted "What the fuck is that?!" "Well the little kittens are going into the tilting barn, and we gotta follow them, so in we go. You go first Harry." Bong shoved Harry into the barn, and he fell into hay that suspiciously smelled like cat shit. "Eew, GROSS!" Harry yelled as he pulled himself up. He noticed a giant version of the kittens that he had seen so many of that was the size of about 2.5 elephants. "What the holy Kurt, are you Mountain Girl?!" The cat crawled towards him out from the shadows, growling and foaming at the mouth. "Um, you don't know anything about The Secret Stash, do ya?!" Harry asked it when it occurred to him that Mountain Girl might not really talk and that Hashpipe, who was a diagnosed schizophrenic, could have imagined it. "Nice meeting ya!" Harry said as he quickly turned to exit the barn, only to be stopped by a million ugly-ass kittens jumping at him from the rafters above. "RUN BONG, RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE DUDE!" Unfortunately, Bong was sitting outside with headphones on, chilling out and listening to "Dive". Harry came out of the barn covered in ugly kittens (who were gnawing him by the way), running faster than Roadrunner running away from Wile E. Coyote, when he ran head-on into Bong. "Eew eew, you're covered in ugly kittens, what the fuck is this about?!" Bong shouted as if he believed Harry to be in a universe opposite ours. "I'll write you a letter, just run man!" Bong felt a gnawing pain on his left butt-cheek, and as he turned to look he noticed five ugly kittens gnawing his butt. "Eew eew, get 'em off me Harry!" "Bong just run, fuck 'em!" "But they're touching me in places, Harry!" It was then when Mountain Girl finally waddled her ass out of the barn (give her a break, she's had like 500,000 litters, ya know?) Suddenly, Bong and Harry forgot all about the pain from the gnawing and decided to just get the fuck out of there. After countless hours of running away from Mountain Girl and pals, they finally got surrounded by 83 million adolescent even uglier cats. When all hope was lost and our heroic friends were seconds away from having their flesh torn from their bones, the flying car suddenly came on the scene and started shooting machine guns from the headlights, killing all the cats (except Mountain Girl, I mean she's really fat so it didn't penetrate her lard). "Alright, the flying car!" Harry screamed as he was filled with a new hope. The two jumped into the car as they threw any stray baby kittens that were still latched onto their bodies out the window (Bong even took a couple and kicked them! He set a new record for cat-kicking (popular sport at Hogfarts)). The car flew them back safely to the roof of castle Hogfarts, and it simply ejected them and drove off into the sunset. "Seeing that sunset stuff always brings a tear to my eye." Bong said as he wiped a tear from his eye. "Shut up, we need to figure out how to get the fuck down from here and get back to the common room and figure out what we're doing about The Stash, GOD!" "Yeah, you just gotta be anti-climactic Harry. Don't you know that the sunset part is always the best part of the movie?! GOD!" Bong said, stealing Harry's signature. "No, I'm the one who's supposed to say GOD, you fucking pleb!" Some how (we're not sure how), the two morons managed to find their way to the common room where there were met by Sniffle, who was shouting like a banshee who was having her hair ripped out by Gary Coleman. "Guys guys, I found a clue!!!" he shouted. "Oh yeah like you can find a clue Sniffle. Wait what is the clue? Harry asked. "Look at this, it's Staring at the Sea, I was going to borrow it from you to snort coke to when I found this writing in it!' Sniffle said (not screaming this time). in Harmonica's fancy-pants handwriting, the word "cocktrice" was written in the on the back of the booklet. As he looked at Sniffle blankly, Harry said "What the hell is a cocktrice?" "Gred and Forge dared me to do that once when we had Chinese, I couldn't pee for a whole week without it hurting!" Bong replied. "Um, we're not talking about cockrice Bong" Sniffle said to him gently without making Bong feel like a total idiot. "Yeah you friggin' idiot, GOD! We're talking about cocktrice which is a--- what the hell is it again?" "Maybe we should check the liner notes for more clues" Sniffle replied. On the back of the booklet, there was a bad doodle of what looked like a cross between a chick, an iguana and a bat and said "This is what a cocktrice is you plebs!" under the doodle. "I've never seen anything like this before in my life, GOD! This is bogus!" "I don't think Harmonica would write anything bogus. She's really smart and all" Sniffle said. "Just be quiet for a sec Sniffle, my head is killing me, fucking migraine man! I need to puff on my bong, and The Cure makes me wanna do it even more!" Harry reached into his pocket for his bong, but then he realized he left it in drug transfiguration class after McGoogoogoggles took it away from him during class for stabbing Bong out of boredom with it. He told Bong and Sniffle the situation, and the three went to the class to recover it. Along the way, they noticed a huge crowd of teachers (most of which they hated, but that's beside the point) standing around gawking at a wall. The trio got closer to investigate what was going on and what was so damn exciting. Bong was secretly hoping that another student had gotten stoned wanting it to be David Donald Doo, though Harry was hoping it was Drago. Unfortunately, it was neither of them, just a stupid message on the wall that said "Killing is my business, and business is good!" "Oh great, one of the little brats got themselves kidnapped and probably murdered, for real this time" McGoog said. Rape just stood there with a vacant expression and said "So devastating" sarcastically. "So, who the fuck got kidnapped?!" Drugwhore asked McGoog. "Gin Weasel." As soon as those words came out of McGoog's mouth, Bong and Sniffle were shocked, unsure of what to say. They were silent for a few seconds when Bong said "I think I gotta go change my pants!" "Me too!" Sniffle replied. "What are you guys pissing your pants over?! GOD! Bong, you have 50 million siblings, what the fuck do you care if one of them's dead?" "But Harry, it's not the same, Ginny's different than all my other siblings." "She doesn't look any different to me, she's got red hair and an ugly fucking face just like every asshole in your family." Bong grabbed Harry by the shoulders and said as he shook him violently "She's my half-sister! Part of her genes come from a certain someone you know and love!" "Who?! I don't love anybody, GOD!" "Um, don't you love Dave Grohl, Harry?" Sniffle added. Harry paused while he thought about for a minute, then he turned to Bong and yelled "DAVE GROHL, DAVE FUCKING GROHL IS HER DAD?!" "It's a rumor, mum said that's her dad" Bong replied. "Wait, Lockjaw is her dad?!" "That's the rumor, Harry." "Golly, we should probably go tell him that his daughter was taken" Sniffle said. "Yeah, we gotta save her, or die trying!" Harry yelled.

They ran to Lockjaw's office, where they found him digging a tunnel out of the castle and noticed all of his stuff packed. "What the hell are doing, Lockjaw?!" Harry asked. "Urgent band practice, Pat called and said he needs me over in LA, so I'm going, bye!" "Your daughter has been kidnapped by the cock!" Sniffle shouted in disbelief and anger. "Daughter? I don't have any daughter!" "You have fucking 3 daughters, you just had one in August, GOD!" "3 excluding Ginny" Sniffle added. "You're not Dave Grohl, you're a phony! I've suspected you since you fucking got here! You're too much of a wiener to be the real Dave Grohl! You're a completely useless pleb!" Harry shouted. "Okay, well maybe I'm not Dave Grohl, but I'm not completely useless! I can do a spell called Ebola that can melt your bones in 7 seconds!" "If I wanted that I'd go to Texas, GOD! Are you stupid?!" "No, that's Motaba, they're completely different. See, now Motaba is--- no wait, this is beside the point. The point is: I'm gonna melt your bones so you can't tell everyone in the world that I'm not Dave Grohl!" The fake Dave pointed his bong at Harry, but he and his two friends pulled out their bongs in retaliation. As phony Grohl pussied out and lowered his wand, Sniffle casted the spell "Allacanootch" and revealed Lockjaw's true form. Lockjaw, formerly known as "Phony" Dave Grohl, looked like George C. Scott on crack cocaine of all people. "Eew, look at this fucking crack addict!" Harry said as be tried not to vomit all over the place. In a voice that sounded strangely similar to Lance Henriksen (better known as Frank Black of Millennium), Lockjaw said "Why do you think I got wizard plastic surgery?!" Bong trembled as he said "Uuh, every time I see this fucking ugly ass dildo's face I need a insulin shot and I feel the need to kill babies!" "Oh god, every time that guy moves it's like seeing a spider running around" Sniffle said with disgust. "Alright alright, I get the picture I'm a ugly fat ass old guy and you think I'm creepy so why don't you just get on with it?" Lockjaw said. "Then get moving, we're going to The Secret Stash and you're coming along. If anyone dies it's you and not us!" Harry said as he shoved his bong into Lockjaw's face threatening him. Lockjaw sat there a minute thinking about all the death curses and other weird spells Harry could perform on him, so he decided to just obey him and go quietly instead of being turned into a nine-headed purple polka-dotted orange striped Mackrel. It didn't take them long to find The Stash because of the map that Harmonica also doodled in Staring at the Sea, which had tips on how to beat the cock as well. "You can't look at it in the fucking eyes or you turn into a hunk of limestone?" Bong said in disbelief. "What that's bullshit, how am I supposed to beat it if I cant look at it? GOD!" "Well maybe you should pretend you're Stevie Wonder, I mean he drove a car once so if you pretend you're him you should be able to beat the cock no problem! Did you see Ray Charles in The Blues Brothers? He shot at some guy and he's blind!" Sniffle said trying to encourage Harry, but it wasn't helping the situation, Harry just became more and more nervous. The four ascended the faulty stairs (so no one would see them and stop them from going into The Stash, ya know?) and they climbed, and climbed until finally reached the haunted little girl's room on the 6th, 7th, 8th floor (I don't remember which one okay?). In the WC, Macking Megan was floating around all creepy-like when Harry said to her "Megan, you know where The Secret Stash is, don't you?" "No I don't Harry Pothead! AND I THOUGHT I SAID I WAS NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN!!" Megan screamed as she flew towards Harry. "I HATE YOU HARRY! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOUR GUTS! OH IF ONLY I HAD A BODY I'D FLAY THE FLESH FROM YOU'RE BONES AND-" "Megan, would you tell us how you died? Harry here says you got killed by The Cock in some 60's flashback thing, is that true?" Sniffle politely interrupted. "Well" Megan said, dazzled by the gentleman she for some reason believed Sniffle to be (she's on ghost drugs maybe?). "All I remember about kicking the bucket is, that; I was touching myself in my favorite fapping stall, thinking about Oliver Something-hoosey, I can't remember what his name was but GOD HE WAS A HUNK! His thighs were soooo-" "GET ON WITH IT" everyone said in unison. "Oh, I'm sorry, anyway, just as I was about to, well 'finish', I heard some loser come into the bathroom. He began speaking in some stupid ass language like Chinese or some thing like that, but I could tell it was a guy. I decided to hold my orgasm, and ask this mystery man to come have sex with me instead." Megan paused for a moment, and pointed to a large cauldron in the corner of the bathroom under the sinks. "It was there I saw and piss-pot full of ugly-colored-feathers blow out and, I died. Thus ends my sad, sad tale!" Megan floated away again into her "fapping stall", whining as she went. Lockjaw began sobbing like a bitch with a skinned knee "No wonder she's weeps! That poor thing didn't even get to cum! That's a shame, a damn shame" he cried. "Yeeeeah...." Bong said as he just stared at the butt-ugly old man. "That decides it" said Harry "You're going in the cauldron first Lockjaw!" "Why me?! I'm an old man, I can't defend myself! I have a bad hip and all. Why doesn't Sniffle go in first?" "NO WAY YOU FUCKING PLEB! Sniffle is my best drug buddy!" "I thought I was your best drug buddy Harry?" Bong said, more confused than offended. "Uh, well, he's my second bestest drug buddy! Anyway, your life means next to shit biscuits to me Lockjaw, if anyone's gonna die, it's gonna be you. Who the hell do you think you are offering up Sniffle as a sacrifice, GOD!" Harry then forcably shoved Lockjaw over to the cauldron. When they got to the thing, they found that it was full of petrified shit that had been festering there since Abe was in office. "There must be some sort of spell to get through this shit" Bong said. "Harry, don't you remember what Megan said about the mystery man?" said Sniffle. "That she wanted sex from him? Man if you're coming on to me, I'm un-friending you on Facebook! GOD!" "No, no, no! Speak some Farmenese, open the shit!" Harry thought about it for a moment, what to say, if it would really open, if he had put his blunt out before he left the common room, but finally he spoke Farmenese. "I thought you said bacon " he shouted, and the shit began to shift, revealing a tunnel down into an unknown darkness.

"Cool beans Harry!" Bong said as he shoved Lockjaw down the tunnel nonchalantly. "Golly, Harry! Say, if you don't mind me asking, what was it you said to it?" "I thought you said bacon, you know like the Stikky song?" Harry replied. "Oh boys!" Megan said giggling, calling to them from the ceiling. "If you die down there, you all can live in my fapping stall, rent free"

"Fuck that!" Harry yelled as he turned to look down to call to Lockjaw (to see if he was still alive).

When the scaly bastard replied, they all jumped down into the tunnel. There where so many twists and turns down the dreaded tunnel that Bong's stomach became upset and he promptly vomited all over Sniffle. When they finally stopped sliding and got into The Secret Stash, Sniffle remarked "Yuck, I'm definitely taking a shower when we get back to the common room!", to which Lockjaw replied "You're not going back to the common room!" as he pointed a loaded flint-lock he found down there among the corpses. "I never thought I'd be killed by a C. Thomas Howell lookalike with a flint-lock!" Bong said. "George C. Scott you idiot, GOD!" "Don't worry, I'll make sure that everybody knows what happened to you: that you guys decided to have a threesome in the hallway when the cock came along and killed you all and that I couldn't find The Stash so the bitch died too! So, I'm going to have to kill you so everybody believes my story." Lockjaw said as he shoved the wadding down the barrel of the gun. Unfortunately for Lockjaw, once he shot at them the gun back-fired and blinded him. "Oh god, I'm blind, I'm blind!" Lockjaw whined. In excitement, Harry shouted "Wow, Lockjaw's blind, now he can't argue when we take him to Asskabin for impersonating Dave Grohl, after we kill the cock of course!" "Guys, if it's alright I think I'm going to sit this one out, I'm not in the mood for beating up The Cock while I'm covered in vomit" Sniffle said. "Well in that case, just keep a eye on Phony Grohl!" Bong said as he and Harry continued deeper into The Stash. There, they found this gigantic weird-ass looking room and Ginny lying on the floor, looking as dead as Oliver from Upper Class Twit of the Year. Harry quickly ran to her side and yelled "Ginny, Ginny are you okay?" "You bitch don't die on me, you still owe me that 30 I gave you for Yip/Jump Music!" Bong said as he violently shook her. Harry then noticed the faggy-looking diary lying on the ground beside and Tom Piddle just standing there staring and laughing at their agony. "Tom help us, don't you have a cell phone we can use so we can call the paramedics?" Harry said pleadingly. "Oh you mean a cell phone like this?" Piddle then started to hand it to Harry and took it away as soon as Harry's fingers touched it. "Oops, I forgot that I didn't pay my cell phone bill this month!" he said while crushing it in his palm and laughing manically. Looking up at him from the floor, Harry yelled "You're a fucking prick, I should have listened to Bong when he said I shouldn't trust you!" "Let me guess, you're wondering why I'm killing the stupid red-haired bitch on the floor and why I tricked ya huh?" Piddle said with a mocking tone. Finally noticing the events taking place with Harry and Piddle, Bong exclaimed "See, I told you that book was possessed by a evil spirit, this is all your fault Harry!" "Thanks a lot Bong, you're really helping with my confidence!" Harry said sounding like a grunge vocalist. "I don't think that either of you are understanding what I'm trying to get at here" Piddle said like a prick. "C'mon just fucking spit it out asshole, I'm not understanding this fancy medical lingo. GOD!" Piddle then wrote his full name in the air and made the letters move about to somehow spell out "I AM LORD VOLTAGEFART!" Harry gasped as he realized who Mr. Piddle really was. "Bong do you see that! Wait, how does Tom Macaroon Piddle spell out I Am Lord Voltagefart?" Harry said shocked and confused. "That doesn't matter!" Piddle said. While he was busy laughing maniacally for the third time, Bong said to Harry "Hey, watch this!" and he cast a spell of his own and made the letters say "I Am a Fag!" Once he noticed, Piddle said in a angry voice "Well, let's see what you think of this fag once I send my cock to kill you!" He then began to speak Farmenese and opened a giant statue that resembled a egg. Expecting the cock to come charging out, our friends closed their eyes and began to sing "Higher Ground" (they were pretending to be blind) as they were running around wildly. They heard something coming from the entrance area and when they looked to see what it was, to their surprise it was Baux coming to drop off The Snorting Hat. It landed on Bong's head, which knocked him out for a while and Baux swooped down to viciously maul The Cock in the eyes. "No, my beautiful cock! Well, your ugly-looking parrot may have blinded my cock, but it still can smell you and hear you!" Piddle said looking angrier than John Malkovich. "I told you that you should have showered before coming, I mean, you smell like--- shit, he's unconscious!" Harry said with disappointment. Harry then realized he still was at a great disadvantage and began running about avoiding The Cock's attacks. By the time 10 minutes had gone by, The Cock had caused just as much destruction and as many fires as the Ferguson Riot. He decided it would be best if he got up on the egg statue, attempting to get out of The Cock's reach. Bong finally regained consciousness and, seeing that his friend was moments away from being brutally murdered, he threw The Snorting Hat to Harry out of desperation. "Jesus Bong, how the flip am I supposed to kill The Cock with a hat? GOD!" "I'm sorry Harry, I got desperate, I couldn't think of anything else to do!" Harry noticed a glimmer in the hat, so he reached his hand in and pulled out a black scimitar. He decided to swing it wildly, trying desperately to fatally wound the fearsome Cock. Just when his energy was starting to fade, he struck it in the neck and severed its head. The now-headless body of The Cock then sliced Harry in the stomach with its large talons just before dropping to the ground in a rotting heap. Not only did it leave a gaping wound, it also caused many diseases which ravaged Harry's body quickly. He climbed down off of the statue and began to walk towards Ginny and Bong when he collapsed near the diary. "It's amazing isn't it? How fast one become immobile from the many diseases of The Cock, a few of them I gave it myself" Piddle said (with his signature maniacal laughter following soon after). Harry then sat up and picked up one of the feathers from the cock, opened the diary and began scribbling in it. "Wait, what the hell are you doing? NOOO!!!!" Piddle yelled in shock. As Harry began scribbling, the feather tore through the pages and the diary to shot out blood rivaling Evil Dead with the amount of gore that spewed forth. Mr. Piddle began to fall to the ground and exploded into a cloud of darkness. Now that the danger was gone, Bong went running to Harry and Ginny after cowaring in the corner during the final bits of the battle. Ginny regained consciousness, realizing what she had done, and she began to apologize to Harry. "Harry, I swear I didn't mean to! I found the diary in my bag, and, and it began telling me to do bad things and steal stuff" she cried. "I thought I might've become schizophrenic like Hashpipe, but the diary scared me regardless. I tried to blow it up in the haunted bathroom, but a week later I woke up to find it back in my underwear drawer." "Why the hell did you keep that fucking book with your panties? It's not like it's a good hiding place" Bong asked his sister. Harry became so aroused by the thought of Ginny's panties that he began coughing violently and spewed blood all over the place. "OH MY GOD! You're dying?!" Bong screamed, just now noticing the wounds all over his friends torso. "Yeah, I'm gonna drop dead here any second. You guys just leave me here to die, okay?" "No Harry, we can't leave you!" Ginny said. Harry laid down on his back and looked to the ceiling. "Harry, you can't die on us man, I mean, what if we need someone who can speak Farmanese to get out? I-I don't want to die HERE." "Just let me die in peace you plebs! GET OUT OF HERE AND LET ME DIE! GOD!" Ginny and Bong, for some reason, decided to leave Harry and began to go for the exit. Finally, with some quiet, Harry closed his eyes and prepared himself for his inevitable death. "Here I come Kurt...here...I...come" he whispered with what little energy he had left. Just then, Baux landed upon Harry's chest. "You fucking ugly bird, go drop dead and leave me alone! GOD!" Baux began pissing all over Harry's chest and stomach, causing some intense burning on Harry's part. "I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP BIG TIME!" Harry screamed. He jolted to his feet in anger, and just as he was about to beat Baux to death with his own shoe, he realized he had regained his energy. "Oh yeah, Drugwhore did say that phoenix piss can heal people! Thanks Baux, sorry I was going to kill you" "Non taken" Baux replied, and then he flew off. Harry went to the front room of The Stash where he found Sniffle freaking out, Ginny trying to calm him down and Bong trying to think of what to do with Lockjaw. Confused, Harry simply asked "What the hell is up Sniffle?" "I accidentally killed Lockjaw, I wanted him to shut up so I hit him on the head with a rock to knock him out but I hit him to hard and he died!" Sniffle replied while rocking back and forth. "All I was able to come up with is just leave him here, I dont think we're going to be able to bury him even though you want to, Sniffle" Bong said. Sniffle just cried and cried, ashamed at what he had done. "Ya know what we should really be fuckin' doing right about now? Trying to find a flippin' way out of here, the slide thing we came down is covered in blue jelly shit!" Harry said in dismay. "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that jelly for lunch!" replied Bong. The four losers began to search for anyway to find to get out of The Secret Stash, and all Harry found was a pair of old sneakers, Bong found some very very old Chinese take out (which he ate and obviously started vomiting all over the place again), Sniffle found a pack of cigarettes and a soda, and Ginny on the other hand found a elevator that appeared to be the only way out. Ginny grabbed the doors of the elevator and tried to force it open but found it to be rusted shut. In desperation, the gang decided to use Lockjaw's corpse as a battering-ram and luckily, that's all it took to get it open. Our heroes rode the elevator all the way up to the ground floor of the school. The elevator ride was quite, except for the sound of Ginny giggling as she posted the pictures of the incident on Wizard Instagram. As Harry was going to lean over Ginny's shoulder to get a peak at what was so funny, he felt a poke at his right side. "OW!" Harry yelled in pain. "What the hell just poked me!? Wait, it's one of the feathers from the cock!" Oh you mean that thing you destroyed the diary with? We can destroy our text books with it!" Bong replied. Ginny stopped typing suddenly and looked to the guys and said "No wait, I've got a better idea!" with a evil little smirk. "No, no more bodies, I don't want to see anymore please no!" Sniffle cried, already knowing somehow what Ginny was plotting, but his cries fell of deaf ears and Harry, Bong and Ginny attempted the vile act regardless. After letting Sniffle off on the first floor the other three rode up to the seventh floor where they knew Rape would be around this time of night. They then attempted to brutally assault Rape with the remaining cock feather which led to them being pistol-whipped into unconsciousness.

Big Cheese

"I Wanna Be Alright" (lyrics)

Just a song I wrote today. It's about all of my struggles with OCD and trying to deal with it. Co-written by Todd.

Everyday my worries remain the same

Dealing with all the problems in my brain

Overwhelmed by this shtick in my mind

Looking for a way to leave it behind

I love her oh so much but I find myself afraid

That she won't love me back and my joy in life will fade

The fear and voices in my head call me on the phone

As I search my soul pacing down the hallways in my home

I just wanna be alright, be alright again

It's been so long and stretched, I can't remember when

I wasn't so fucked-up and stressed, gnawed down to the bone

Hear my plea and save me so I don't end up alone

I just wanna know what's wrong and what's right

Heaven save me, and bring me to the light

She's an angel, but the devil's inside of me

My past mistakes keep my heart from running free


"Shitpile" (lyrics)

Here is a song i wrote for Minigun (my only lyrical contribution to the band, and i get to sing this one too), and it is really about nothing. Al didn't have any contribution to the lyrics (he wrote the music though), he only chose what song off Bleach is mentioned. :lol: There are some references you might not get, like 7-Mile is a place right by where we live, in Utah it is against the law to throw knifes at guys wearing striped shirts, and the getting high off cheese and tripe thing is a reference to the book Bored of the Rings. Anyways...

You look like a shitpile

You live up on 7-Mile

I was pissing on the beach

I was listening to Bleach

It was on Floyd the Barber

Then we went and bombed Pearl Harbor

We were having a great time

And now I don't know what to rhyme

I threw knifes at guys in stripes

I'm getting high off cheese and tripe

I did it all in Utah

I did it just to break the law

Big Cheese

"Murder the Media" (lyrics)

This song's about paparazzi, the media, and all that shit and how much they suck. It's another totally hardcore song, except this time I was listening to The Breeders when I was writing it so there's like no correlation with how it sounds and what I was listening to. lol Austin (Sappy) originally helped me out with the second verse, but my blog fucked up on here and deleted all the drafts for some reason, so I had to re-write it.

You're following them everywhere they go

Stalking people that you don't even know

Taking pictures of every little thing they do

How would you feel if someone did this to you?

Murder the paparazzi, kill the reporters

Murder the press and all their supporters

You change all their fucking words around

To whatever you want 'cuz you like how it sounds

You're following them everywhere they go

Stalking people that you don't even know

Just because they're fucking celebrities

Doesn't mean they can't have privacy

Big Cheese

"Corrupted" (lyrics)

Well, this is a song calling out against police brutality. This song is very hardcore, I was listening to the first M.D.C. album (Millions of Dead Cops) when I was writing it. I didn't write this song to start any debate or anything, I just wrote it to just get how I feel about it out there. Here's a link to a topic on GDC about the incident that inspired this song: http://www.greendaycommunity.org/topic/97513-man-calls-a-suicide-prevention-hotline-swat-team-shows-up-and-kills-him/

He was only a danger to himself

And this is what you do when he asks for help?

How the hell do you get to sleep at night?

Knowing that you just can't do anything right

All this police brutality just needs to stop

We need to do something about the trigger-happy cops

Clean out all the police forces, government and all that's wrong

And put all the pigs in jail where they belong

If I was his family, I'd own your fucking badge

I'd take your house, your car, and anything else you had

We should be able to believe in the ones in authority

But the ones we can trust are in a very small minority

Big Cheese

"They're After Me" (lyrics)

This is another one I posted in my old thread and am re-posting. It's just a song about being a fugitive I guess. It was inspired by a line in the movie The Freshmen, but it's not about that film (not that you care, just throwing that out there). lol I like this one though, the music kinda has a Wipers feel to it, so that's cool.

I'm on the run from the FBI

Because I killed some random guy

I've gambled away all my cash

And the feds have found my drug stash

There are people after me [x1]

People are pointing guns to my head

Everybody wants me dead

I'm in debt to the IRS

There are warrants out for my arrest

The FBI is outside my door

If I open up, they'll shoot me dead to the floor

Big Cheese

Harry Pothead chapter one (part two)

He got to what Hashpipe called "his house", which actually looked like an over-grown outhouse that's outside was only 6 square-feet and its inside was somehow about 50 square-feet. Inside, Hashpipe was sitting on a gigantic orange egg knitting baby booties and exclaimed "Oh my god Cliff, I'm so happy to see ya! How's your day at Hogfarts Gary?" "IT'S THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Harry replied, screaming at the top of his lungs. "Oh, I understand, school does suck dick, that's why I never went! Yep, I'm a certified kindergarten drop-out!" Harry, totally ignoring Hashpipe's last statement, said "They laughed at me, they took pictures and posted them on Twitter!" "No they didn't, it was Wizard Facebook, see, I already downloaded it!" Harry looked down at Hashpipe's wizard cellphone and, much to his dismay, saw himself in the invisibility dress. His eyes began to swell up with tears once again. "Hey, don't be sad, look at my desktop on my wizard PC!" Harry gazed at the PC, unsure of what he would see, and saw his dear friend Harmonica posed very awkwardly in a leather, spiked bikini with a whip. Harry, having flashbacks of the Scurveys, promptly vomited on Hashpipe. "Don't worry Harry, the same thing happens to me. This gets me so worked up, I vomit. I always vomit." Harry dropped the bonnet he had in his hand since he entered the "house". "Here, ya wanna see my previous desktop? It's actually of Bong's mom with Da-" "No no no, that's enough" Harry interupted, "But there is something I would like to talk to you about Hashpipe." "Ooh ooh, what is it? Is it something I can put on my desktop" Hashpipe said licking his lips very creepily. "Um, no, actually it's a-" Before the words could fall off of Harry's lips, his two dear friends burst through the door looking for him. "Hey, there's the Twitter star right there!" Harmonica screamed, pointing and laughing. Harry scowled at them as Bong joined in and said "Hey, ya wanna see Hashpipe's desktop Bong, Harmonica?" "Oh yeah, sure sure sure!" Bong said as he ran across the "house" as if he was a bum on Burnside running for the last bit of brandy. "OH MY GOD!" Bong said as drool poured forth from his mouth. "What is it?" Harmonica said as she was pushing through the crowd of idiots. As Harmonica saw herself on the fat man's desktop, rage consumed her. She waved around her magic bong, conjured up a baby grand piano and promptly dropped it on Hashpipe's head. "Hey look Harmonica, you gave him wood, get it?" Bong said stupidly. Harmonica made some undescribable noise of anger as she flew across the room to strangle Bong and Hashpipe screamed "Hell yeah riot!" He then picked up a stone chair and broke it over Harry's face. "N-no Hashpipe wait! Don't hit me yet, 'cuz if we're gonna riot, then we need proper music!" Harry pulled Harmonica's wizard iPhone from the pocket of her school robes as she was furiously pounding Bong's stomach and searched on wizard YouTube for an appropriate tune. Suddenly the shitty "house" was filled with the sounds of "Stay Away" by, of course, Nirvana. The music empowered Harry and he began beating Hashpipe with another of his own stone chairs to the opening drum-line of the song. "Hehehe! This is just like Bible Camp!" Hashpipe commented as blood was running out of his ears. By the time the lyrics had actually began, Bong had thrown up every ounce of his brunch and received 137 bruises on his stomach and 485 on his face and head, Harmonica's knuckles were bleeding as if she was the star of a Sam Peckinpah movie (or maybe an Evil Dead movie) and Hashpipe and Harry had broken every piece of stone furniture that Hashpipe owned over one-another's face and/or head. Out of nowhere the orange egg Hash had been sitting on not 10 minutes ago exploded, thus ending the riot for now. From the remnants of what was once a full egg merged forth a baby blue and yellow striped dragon. "Holy shit Hashpipe!" "Where the hell did you get it?" "What the fuck is that?" the students all cried, still shook-up from the riot and the explosion. "IT'S A NO GOOD PIECE OF SHIT DRAGON!!! ARGH!!!" Hashpipe screamed as he picked up his stone frying pan that was about as large as a snow-shovel and began smashing the poor thing. "HASH! HASH STOP IT!" Harmonica cried as she attempted to take the pan from him, but only ended up getting hit with the handle. "Hehehe! Smash it more!" "It's still moving" the two boys cheered. Hashpipe continued beating the hatchling until it moved no longer and its brains had been deeply embedded into his Oriental rug. "Wooooow!" said Harry as he examined the body, "Hey Hash, can I keep the rug?" Bong asked. "Y-yeah, Sure... just... just don't ask 'bout the stains on the... other side." "What are the stains on the other side?" Harry asked out of pure curiousity. Hash yelled at Harry "I TOLD YOU NOT TO ASK!!" as he turned to him and raised the bloodied pan to him. "Alright! Alright! I-I thought you meant that just BONG couldn't ask you! Sorry!" As if he was a completely different man, Hashpipe said "Awwa! Don't you worry your cute little head Jerry!" as he smiled and pinched Jerry's--- I mean, Harry's face. Pothead then proceeded to ask Hashpipe about the three-headed dog referenced earlier, to which Hashpipe replied "Oh, you mean Corbin, my baby Corbin, my own flesh and blood?" Harmonica responded with "That fuckin' thing has a name?" "Yep, I named my precious baby after the singer from my favorite band." "What's your favourite band?" Bong asked. "Oh, The Crucifucks. Man, they're the greatest." Quickly trying to get off the topic of The Crucifucks and back to the original point, Harry asked Hashpipe where he found it. "Oh, I bought it off an Icebelafuckistanish fella down at the pub. Same with that rip-off of an egg I bought, it was supposed to be a chicken cow!" Harmonica asked what kinda pub he goes to, and Harry added "Oh, and how do we get past it to get into the restricted section of the castle?" "SING THE SONG BOYS, SING THE SONG BOYS!" Harmonica asked "What fuckin' song?" "Oh shit, I shouldn't have said that, Nicholas Cage and Drugwhore will kill me for saying that. God damn it you fuck!" Hashpipe said to himself (he's schizophrenic). "Alright ya gotta get outta here, gotta get out, bye, bye bye" he said as he violently shoved them out the door.

The three looked at each other blankly, wondering if the events that they had just witnessed took place. Harmonica said "Where have I heard that name Nicholas Cage before?", thinking out loud. "It sounds like the name of a cheese-dick that you'd read about in TV Guide", Bong replied. They continued toward the castle and, the following day, met in the library where Harmonica showed the other two her findings on Nicholas Cage. "He's a fucking actor, I think Hashpipe just pulled that name outta his ass!" "I have to agree with Harmonica" said Harry as he looked at the various TV Guide magazines and other film-related memorabilia she had stolen from Feltcher's apartment. "Yeah, why would this buttface have anything to do with that dog?!" Bong said mockingly. Harmonica said in her usual snooty tone "Okay Harry, we're gonna need a bit more info on Nicholas Cage before we try to get past Corbin, so go get that horrid invisibility dress of yours and look in the restricted section of the library tonight." "Sure whatever, GOD!" Later that night, Harry did exactly what Harmonica asked and had Bong make sure he put on the invisibility dress the right way this time. He made his way down all the aisles of very disturbing restricted books, mostly consisting of vampire romance novels and works by Michael Moorcock. Harry grabbed a book called Buggle Celebrities and just so happened to flip it to a page with a naked picture of Madonna and vomited. After he cleaned himself up, he nearly pissed his pants when he heard Feltcher saying in a singing-type way "We're coming after you". He ran like a bastard at the mere sound of those words and, in the distance, heard Feltch finish the lines with "We're getting back at you, Twinkie warfare!" Harry, relieved, proceeded down the hall where he found Rape viciously mugging Queero with a .357 Magnum and saying "I know you're trying to get past that dog you stupid Arab fuck! If I catch you doing it again, I will bust a cap, I will kill you!" Queero ran like a fag (you know, with that whole ass-swinging thing) and knocked Harry flat on his ass, obviously not seeing him because he's invisible and all. Harry wondered back to the Sniffenwhore common room as a failure, as he did not find any more info on Nicholas Cage. He saw Percy on his way, and the mere sight of that ugly mug made him run so fast that he made Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales (even though he was invisible). Harry ran down the various halls and corridors until he happened upon a huge-ass mirror where he saw Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic standing next to him. The fear of Percy faded away and he ran back to the Sniffenwhore common room to wake up Bong so he could show him this magical mirror. After he woke Bong up, they ran to the mirror with Bong strapped to his back inside the dress (so he would be invisible too). "I saw myself with Krist and Dave in this mirror!" Harry said once they got to this stupid mirror. "I don't see Dave Grohl at all, I see myself on tour with Nirvana in place of Chad Channing. I've got like fifty groupies doing all sorts of shit to me like-" Harry interrupts him with "No need to go into detail, friggin' idiot!" "But I look great Harry, I'm a total chick-magnent!" After about two hours of arguing over who got to look into the stupid mirror, they noticed Drago starring at Harry intently. Once the two began to charge at him for spying on them, Drago grabbed them by the ears and dragged them to Drugwhore's office where they all (including Drago) received detention. Harmonica got detention too simply for being Harry's and Bong's friend even though she wasn't even there. Harry and Bong, nearly dead of sleep deprivation and Drago acting even more like a fuck then usual, were held at gunpoint with a .357 Magnum to go get Harmonica for detention. About two minutes after going into the Sniffenwhore common room, Feltcher came out with Harmonica by the hair, dragging her as if she was a rag doll. The four were led (again, at gunpoint with a .357 Magnum) to Hashpipe's house, just outside the school grounds. Feltcher began to bitch about them not using the dungeons for punishment anymore by saying "I miss the good old days when kids used to hang themselves or give me handies to get out early. I also miss the cries of agony!" Hashpipe, coming out of his house with his dog Shithead (and loading his infamous 18-foot shotgun), said "We're gonna go hunt for Charlie!" "Who the fuck is Charlie?!" all four of the dudes yelled. "Charlie is the name of some random unicorn I saw bleeding to death. And also this gives me an excuse to vent my frustrations at Drugwhore!" "Why the flip are you mad at Drugwhore?! GOD!" Harry yelled. "Because I finally got a chicken cow egg at the crane machine down at the pub and Drugwhore sent the egg to Chicken Cow Colony in Mesopotamia!" "Oh god Hashpipe, I'm so sorry. I mean, that was the pet you wanted most of all in your life" Harry replied. "Okay now, back to getting your detention out of the way. You're supposed to follow this trail to the middle of the forest where I last saw Charlie." After about five miles on the trail of Harry accusing Drago of having the hots for him and Drago denying it, they got to the end of the trail where they found a puddle of mysterious white stuff. Hashpipe stuck his hand in the puddle and said "It's not unicorn mayonnaise, at least I don't think it is." He then started barking orders like a drill sergeant and said "Okay, Drago, Harry, you follow the obvious trail where Charlie is and Bong, Harmonica, you come with me." "Since you're going in a group of three, we get Shithead!" Drago replied. "Alright then, but as you know he's a complete moron." After a bit of walking, Harry, Drago and Shithead found the mostly-dead unicorn having his kidney eaten by some weird freak in a black cloak. Drago, acting like a scared freak and shit, exlaimed "Attack Shithead, attack!" In a scream of agony, Drago yelled "Not me Shithead!" as his leg was being practically torn off. He ran for his life (with the dog still ripping his leg off), leaving Harry to deal with the cloaked freak. As the cloak guy lunged at him, Harry shit his pants. The stench of his shit was so bad that it made the cloaked freak run away gagging. Hashpipe came to the scene and, upon seeing Charlie, screamed "What the fuck did you do to Charlie you little prick?! All he wanted to do was go to Candy Mountain, and this is how it must end?!" He then aimed his 18-footer at Harry's scar when Harry went on to say "It wasn't me, it was some freak in a black cloak!" "Nice story Harry, but the ring was destroyed a long time ago, so don't lie to me!" Hashpipe replied as he cocked his gun. Bong and Harmonica, showing up in the nick of time, levitated Hashpipe's shotgun out of his hands and dropped it on his head, thus regaining his senses. "Harry, you're my best friend, I'm sorry for treating you so badly." "It's okay Hashpipe, after all, you're only half-giant." Hashpipe and Harry then gave each other a really gay hug and Bong screamed "Get a room, you two!" After the gay hug, Hashpipe said "Well, everyone is here and we found Charlie. Unfortunately, we're gonna have to bury him. I'll pick up the body and let's head back to Hogfarts, detention's over!" On their way back, Hashpipe said "I feel like I'm forgetting something", but he just nodded it off and they proceeded to the castle. The next day, Harmonica burst in to wake up Harry and Bong and said "I figured out why we could not find anything on Nicholas Cage, he was mentioned in one of the 45 books I checked out yesterday and nothing else!" "Oh yeah that one guy!" Bong said like a idiot. Harmonica proceeded to beat him half to death, using all of Percy's methods. After the brutal beating, Harmonica began to read off the 4th of a page on Nicholas Cage. "Niklearse Asswipe, known to buggles as Nicholas Cage, is a wizard that invented a way to get one so stoned that they actually get turned to stone. The stoned person can then be crushed down to make the Elixir of Life, which has valuable healing properties. Niklearse Asswipe, by drinking this healthy shit, just celebrated his 666th birthday." "Gross, that's older than Drugwhore! Oh, speaking of him, we need to go talk to him!" Harry screamed. The three idiots ran like wild to the nearest office, which happened to be McGoogoogoggles'. "McGoogoogoggles, McGoogoogoggles, somebody's gonna steal the thing, somebody's gonna steal the thing!" all three screamed like wounded water buffalos. "What thing, what ever are you talking about?" "The thing Corbin's guarding, the thing Corbin's guarding!" they all replied. "I have no idea how you found out about Corbin, but be rest assured that we're taking care of it." "No, all you teachers are friggin' idiots!" Harry yelled. McGoogoogoggles then cast a spell (I don't remember which one) that sent all three of them flying out of her office.

"Looks like we're gonna have to take care of it on our own now" Harry said. Harmonica replied "No shit, now that you've offended the teacher!" As the trio tried to sneak to the 12th floor where Corbin was by climbing a rope, Harry said "We're almost there" and Bong asked "Why are we walking like this?" "'Cuz the friggin' magic stairs are faulty, GOD!" "Why don't we just teleport up there? GOD!" Harmonica said in a mocking tone. "'Cuz this is funner, GOD!" "More fun, GOD!" Harmonica said in a mocking tone again. "Fuck you, I'll say it how I want, GOD!" After about an hour of Harry and Harmonica arguing over whether it was "more fun" or "funner", they finally got to the top. "Okay, so did you get the Sam Cooke records?" Harmonica asked. "What, who said it was Sam Cooke? Me and Bong brought all these other records!" Harmonica then rolled her eyes and replied "Did you NOT see all those fucking Sam Cooke records in his house?!" "Who's house?" "Hashpipe, ya know, the fat ass giant?!" "Oh okay, well if it is Sam Cooke, which fuckin' song is it?!" Harry asked. "I suspect it's one off Twistin' the Night Away, as that record appeared to be used more than the others." "Fine, while you're wasting your time getting the Sam Cooke record, me and Bong will try out all these other records we brought!" They tried many songs, including "Go Bankrupt and Die" and "Hinckley Had a Vision" by The Crucifucks and various tracks by Nirvana, Foo Fighters, and Metallica, but none of these tunes worked. Several dog bites and missing toes/fingers later, Harmonica finally came back with the record. "Took ya long enough babe!" Bong said. "Okay, here's the record" Harmonica said as she handed it to Harry. "Play the title track, I suspect that's the one." Harry then put the record on their Crosley turntable they brought with them and made Bong sing along to the song. Corbin began to do the dance known to buggles as "the twist" (known to wizards as the housecup wrangle) and was so distracted that the three were able to get to the elevator behind him. Before going to the elevator, they placed a magically-enhanced, animatronic zebra in front of Corbin to keep him on rhythm. On the elevator ride, Harry made reference to Nirvana's "Aneurysm" and sang "Come on over and do the twist!" Harmonica then took the Crucifucks record they had and broke it over his head, then Harry started to talk about Animal House, saying it was a great movie. Harmonica made her opinion very clear, saying "It was just a bunch of buffoons getting fucked and getting drunk. Just stay a day at Hogfarts." "Okay, first of all: his name was Belushi, second: that was a great movie, you're just stupid." Before Harmonica could tell Harry his opinion was shit, the elevator suddenly stopped on the seventh floor. "Weren't we supposed to go down to the basement, why are we stopped on the seventh floor?" Harmonica asked. The other two just shrugged at her and the elevator doors opened. "Hi Harry, fancy seeing you here!" some weird guy said as he dragged his black friend with him. "Eew, who the fuck are you guys?" "We've been going to class with you Harry, we're Sniffenwhores just like you." the creepy dude replied. "Yeah but, who the fuck are you?" "Uhg, fine, I'm ShamWow Flanagan, and this is my friend David Donald Doo. David, say 'what up, yo?'" "Hello" David said. Harry and Harmonica were stunned, and Bong would be too if he wasn't trying to keep his distance from David since he was a black guy. Bong began hyperventilating and passed out, which Harry and Harmonica said was because he was scared of the basement (so then David couldn't accuse them of racism). "Oh, you're going to the basement? We're going up to the common room, Sniffle's throwing a pajama party ya know. We're gonna watch The Rock on wizard Netflix!" ShamWow said. Harmonica, astonished, said "You're telling me that you can get to anywhere in the castle from this elevator?!" "Yeah, it's an elevator" David replied. "Why do you think we're never late for our classes unlike you? You guys use the stairs" ShamWow said mockingly. David, throwing his two-cents worth in, added "The stairs are faulty anyway". Harmonica about pissed herself when she realized all the effort they put in trying to get past Corbin was all for not. She was about to vomit on Bong's passed-out body when the elevator ride ended and they finally reached the basement. "Have a good one" ShamWow said waving to them as the elevator doors shut. "God, that ShamWow guy's such a fucking loser, I just wanna explode him, GOD!" Harry screamed. Harmonica began trying to wake up Bong, reassuring him that David was gone. He began to regain consciousness, but passed out again at the sight of the plant-like creature that looked like something out of the Jak and Daxter series was lurking behind Harmonica and Harry. "Damn it, he fainted again" Harmonica complained. Harry then added "It's like Keith Moon and shit!" While Harry's back was turned and was talking about how cool Keith Moon was and air-drumming, Harmonica got eaten by the plant creature. "Damn it, I got my classmate killed!" Harry said in frustration. Mere seconds after he said that, Bong got eaten as well, and Harry yelled "Damn, another classmate! Well you're not gonna get me you icky icky plant thingy!" Harry pulled his bong out, preparing himself for a battle, but then the plant guy ate his bong. "Okay, I guess it's down to fists now" Harry said as he doubled his fists. He climbed the various leaves and vines that were sprouting from the monster's body until he reached its ugly face where he began punching it to death. It didn't take long for the creature to fall dead, as Harry had built up muscle from carting the Scurveys around. "Teach you to mess with Pothead, asshole!" he said as he stomped its decaying face further into the ground, causing Bong and Harmonica to come flying out of the creature's ass. Harry kept trying to stomp to get his bong back, but all that came flying out were pink metallic egg-shaped objects. Bong offered to stay behind and continue to find Harry's bong while the other two went to try to find the stoned sorcerer. As they reached for the doorknob to open the door to the next room, Harmonica stopped and said "Do you hear that?" "Yeah, it sounds like Wings." They opened the door to find 350,000 Paul McCartneys pacing around the room singing "Band on the Run". Harmonica noticed that the next door they needed to go through had a big lock on it and that they needed a key from one of the McCartneys. "Kill one of them Harry. Look for one that's different from the others." Harry searched and searched through the McCartneys, only to find that one of them did not have shoes. He decided that he would mug that one and began to viciously beat the McCartney to a bloody pulp, which caused the other ones' eyes to turn read and start spewing fire at him. Harry quickly took the key from the odd-McCartney-out and ran for the door, trying to dodge the thousands of fire bolts heading his way. Luckily, Harmonica and Harry were able to get out of the room with their lives, but only barely. In the next room, Harmonica and Harry were forced to play Wizard Trivia. After correctly answering 6,933 questions, Harmonica won the game and passed out, leaving Harry to be the only one to continue to the final room. In the final room, he saw that familiar mirror that he once saw Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic in, but this time Queero was the one looking into it. "Move, Dave Grohl's mine!" Harry said as he violently shoved Queero out of the way to look in the mirror. "Yes Pothead, it was me, I was the one who let the troll out, I was the one who devised the distraction, I was the one who didn't know about the elevator either, I am the one who killed Charlie the unicorn, I EVEN PISSED IN THE PUNCHBOWL! Lord Voltagefart is inside me." Queero said to an oblivious Harry. "Where is it, the stone to get the sorcerer stoned?" "What'd ya say, I didn't catch that?" Harry said, looking at the mirror and oblivious to everything Queero had just said. "I'M GONNA USE THE ELIXIR OF LIFE TO BRING BACK LORD VOLTAGEFART AND HAVE HIM KILL YOU!" "Quit your yappin' Queero, Dave Grohl's trying to talk to me." In the mirror, Harry saw Dave Grohl once again, saying "Here Harry, since you're such a great fan, I want you to have this. Cool stone huh? Why don't you try hitting that weird guy over the head with it?" Dave Grohl winked at Harry, who then promptly pissed his pants and screamed as if he was a teenage girl at a Beatles concert. After he pulled himself together, Harry did as he was instructed and struck Queero multiple times in the head with the magically-obtained stone. Queero fell to the floor and exploded into dust. "Woah, that's totally awesome, I gotta try that on Prof. Rape sometime!" Harry said to himself. He did just that and ended up in the hospital after Rape shot him with his .357 Magnum.

Big Cheese

Harry Pothead chapter one (part one)

Okay, so here's part one of the first chapter of the Harry Potter parody me and my brother are working on. We came up with this idea way back when, like 3 and a half years ago, but we didn't start writing it until my 17th birthday and then there was a bit of a break from February to last month. It's quite stupid really, but it's pretty funny if given a chance. Nirvana fans will like it though, it's filled with all sorts of references to them. There's also, of course, numerous drug references (like Dr. Suess books), pop culture references, ect ect. You might say it could use a bit of editing, but we don't exactly want this to be like your traditional book, plus we're satisfied with it so whatever. Anyways...

Chapter One

The Sorcerer's Stoned

"I'm a dunce, I sleep under the stairs in my fat ass uncle's house!" cried a miserably pathetic four-eyed boy from beneath the stairs that his fat uncle bent by walking down them like an intoxicated water-buffalo. "I can't live like this anymore, I'm done with this!" His dunce-like brain went back over every lame ass memory that had tortured his shrimpy body since he could remember; walking into the kitchen late one night to get a drink of water, and finding his aunt in her "Brunhilda the dominatrix" outfit whipping his uncle as he floundered his lard around the kitchen with enough force to rattle the windows. Thankfully his semi-truck-load of fat saved Harry from the life scaring view of his uncle's wrinkled vienna sausage.

Or the time his cousin Pudley, another fat ass, buried Harry up to his neck in the front yard with the help of his friends and left him there for 2 days and 2 nights.

Harry was then, on the third day, forced to endure his uncle running him over with the lawn mower. He also remembered when his aunt and uncle took him deep sea fishing and used him as shark bait and THE Jaws came and bit him in the ass. The wound was so extensive that Harry SHOULD have spent a year in the hospital; although, luckily for Harry, there was a surgeon on site that strangely resembled his uncle who mended him with some fishing line and spare hooks.

The only good memory he had was when his uncle's sister, who was so fat it made his fatso uncle look like Ric Ocasek in comparison, wanted him to shove his toe up her ass and fondle her dog; and he happened to be down with the flu. Harry's faith in God was strengthened that day. While Harry was thinking about these dark, disturbing memories, his uncle came knocking on the door wanting him to wipe Pudley's ass. "Harry, you morose motherfucker, Pudley's done pooping!" "In a minute uncle Vermin", he replied. "Well you dickless sonofabitch, Pudley doesn't have all day, get moving!" Harry quickly jumped up out of his bed, which was a pile of newspapers lying on the floor as if he was a dog, knowing that if he didn't hurry, aunt PewDiePie would make him watch the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards and have him lick the screen during Miley Cyrus' part. When Harry entered the bathroom, the sight of his lardo cousin greeted him with much anguish. "There you are Pothead, I've been waiting here for 43 seconds. Start wiping bitch!" Harry sorrowfully proceeded to wipe his cousin's ass, trying hard not to vomit. Harry went on with his day doing slave-labor as per usual. Although the amount of chores and abuse significantly increased due to the fact that it was Pudley's 38th birthday. He did a number of unusual tasks that include washing the tree, making everyone shit soup for breakfast, sweeping the ceiling, vacuuming the roof, but the oddest task was dirtying up the car and then licking it clean. Harry came inside after rubbing his tongue raw on the all-season tires, wanting a drink. Unfortunately he happened to walk in as Pudley was throwing the biggest fit that he had in years. "What do you mean?! I counted 493 presents this year, last year I got 494 and a half!" "But your aunt sent you 4 million dollars in cash this year, my sweet Pudley", said PewDiePie. "I DON'T GIVE A GOOD GOD DAMN!" Pudley shouted so loud that everything glass in the house broke (including Harry's glasses). As Harry was bleeding from his eyeballs, he tried to flee the house as Vermin came flying out of nowhere and punched Harry in the god-damn face. "Look at me Mr. Pothead, you're not going anywhere. We're taking Pudley to OMSI to make up for the missing present. And you're driving!" Harry was harnessed up to the horse carriage the Scurveys had saved for Harry to use. Harry trudged on for hours just trying to make it one step further, pulling what was estimated to be 5,000 pounds in the carriage. After 7 hours, they finally made it to OMSI (Obscene Museum of Sexual Intercourse). Pudley was so excited that he only managed to break 5 bones in Harry's back as he jumped out of the carriage. Harry, being a big Nirvana fan, noticed a striking resemblance between the OMSI sign and the band's In Utero album and made mention of it. Pudley responded by kicking Harry in the balls with a steel-toed boot. "Note to self: forget about fathering children" Harry whispered under his breath in a newly-feminine voice. Pudley looked to Harry and said "What are you waiting for? Carry me!" Vermin piped in and commanded Harry to do so or else. Visions of the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards tormented Harry once more. Forcibly, Harry carried his 493-pound cousin to the front door, hearing the song "Serve the Servants" in his head was the only thing that enabled him to do it. The very second they made it to the front door, Pudley jumped down (breaking more of Harry's bones) and ran inside to look at OMSI's fetus display. Harry began thinking of various ways to murder the Scurveys when the fetus display suddenly came to life and became very violent. They attacked Pudley in all of his vital organs and he began bleeding profusely. Vermin and PewDiePie grew immensely angry; they began wishing Harry to the deepest, darkest pits of hell and demanded that he drive them home. After a repeat of the drive that was mentioned earlier, they returned home where Harry suffered many abuses too awful to name here. Harry went to bed, badly bruised with blood dripping from his face, began having nightmares of the abuse with a very weird-looking man he did not know joining in. He woke up the next day remembering that it was his birthday, which has not been celebrated for a very long time. Pudley strangely said "Good morning" to him, which disturbed Harry as if he had just seen a picture of Courtney Love. The Scurveys oddly did not command him to do any chores and didn't threaten him for the whole day, and Harry was having the first good day of his life, or so he thought. It was now time for them to bring out Harry's cake; PewDiePie presented it to him very kindly, and Vermin and Pudley sang the happy birthday song for him. When Harry's eyes met the cake, it looked so good that he dove right into it without a pause for thought. It looked like a chocolate-covered sponge cake, which it was, just not in the context Harry believed. The cake was made of sponge, but it was bath-sponges that Vermin had used earlier that day to wash his immense body, and the chocolate frosting was, in reality, "chocolate" that PewDiePie had made in the toilet 3 days earlier. And finally, the cream-filling was a touch Pudley added that is too disgusting to mention right here. As he started vomiting violently, the Scurveys pointed and laughed at him with hate and disregard for the situation that Harry was now enduring. He fled to his room crying (while still vomiting violently), slammed the door behind him and got down on his knees to say a prayer that today remains unrivaled:

"God, I don't care how I get out of here. Be it death or a 12-foot tall hairy, demented mad man riding a trike with a side car. Just please get me out of here."

Suddenly, there was a knock at the front door. Vermin, still laughing at Harry's dismay, went to answer it. Just as his fingers barely touched the door knob, it exploded as if Vermin had just eaten 15 chimi changas and 9 burritos. PewDiePie and Dudley peaked around the corner to see what the commotion was about, as did Harry. Everyone's eyes grew so large at the man standing before who, as Harry said, was a 12-foot tall hairy, demented mad man riding a tricycle with a side car. The mad man spoke with a booming and annoying voice: "Harry, god damn you got ugly. You let yourself go, what the fuck?" He had unfortunately mistaken Pudley for Harry. "I'm not Harry you fat bastard, that's Harry over there!" Pudley said as he pointed to a boy as thin as a twig, as white as a ghost and as bruised as a banana. "Oh, sorry. You're still ugly Harry", the mad man said. He walked over to Harry, grinning like Jack Nicholson and using Vermin as a stepping stone and uttered "I haven't seen ya in 18 years now! Jeez, how the time flies!" Harry, backing up in freight, said "But I'm 11." "WHAAAAAAATT??!! You, 11? What kinda retard are ya?", said the mad man astonished and slightly angered. "But that's what they told me" "Oh, let me guess, they also told you that your parents died in a trike wreck, right?" "No", replied Harry, "They've told me that uncle Vermin sat on them and farted, killing them instantly. They've also told me that my dad died trying to suck his own and mom died from her vibrator frizzing out. And then just a week ago they told me mom and dad died trying to have their way with a grizzly bear." "This is an outrage! I almost died trying to have my way with a grizzly bear! Riry and Yaymz would not have died like that! Well, maybe the vibrator thing but the rest, NO!" The mad man went on "They were killed by Lord V-...v...v...v...v... that guy." Harry, absurdly confused, asked "What guy?" "The meanest, ugliest wizard to ever come out of Hogfarts." "HOGFARTS!?" Harry screamed, even more confused than ever. "That's enough, you leave this house this instant!" PewDiePie said stepping in. The mad man responded to her by whipping out an 18-foot shotgun out of nowhere and shooting it into her stomach, sending her flying out the door and across the street. "That's what you get for insulting Hogfarts. Nobody tells Hashpipe what to do!" "You killed my wife!" Vermin said running up to try to beat Hashpipe up. As Hashpipe punched him in the gut and knocked him to the ground, he promptly stepped on his head until it burst like a zit.

Pudley, seeing his parents die in front of him, went into a fetal position and urinated all over himself. "So you ready to get on my trike?" said Hashpipe to Harry, over-looking the two murders he had just committed and the fat guy lying in his own piss. "Hell yeah, I'd love to!"

The mad man placed the shrimp into the side car of his over-sized trike, put on the Judas Priest song "Turbo Lover" and off they flew into the night.

After awhile of Hashpipe babbling on about Hogfarts, they got to Buyabong Alley where Harry was to purchase his school supplies for the mysterious school known to him as Hogfarts. The bazaar was covered in clouds of smoke so thick that Harry could barely see Hashpipe a few feet in front of him. After only 2 minutes of being in the alley, Harry began to feel drowsy and giddy as he was laughing about everything in sight. He ran straight into Hashpipe's butt-crack, where he had stopped abruptly in front of a shop that's sign read Olivelicker's. "Here's your first stop Harry" Hashpipe said while shoving the shrimp's body through the door violently. The store seemed big and empty and like no one had been in there for years, and every item seemed to be encased in dust and cobwebs as if no one had touched it for many centuries. "Is somebody here?" said a withered and slightly creepy voice from the back room. A lump developed in Harry's throat, and he was overcome with the desire to run as fast as his frail legs could take him and cry for his deceased mother. "I said is somebody there!" the voice repeated seeming to be closer this time. Harry mustered up the strength to say "hello" but out of fright said "I'm a jelly-filled donut." The second those simple words came out of his mouth, the sounds of foot steps came emanating out of the back room. The door to the back open to reveal a hideous man so grotesque and deformed he was barely identifiable as a man. He had humps on his back that gave the illusion of 5 midgets under his shirt, his forehead was pasty white and lumpy like oatmeal with one dragon egg-sized lump in the middle. The creepy old hunchbacked freak limped towards Harry as if he was The Creeper saying "I've been waiting for you Harry Pothead! I knew you'd come to see me some day, let me introduce myself. I am Olivelicker, the storyteller and bong-seller at your service." Harry said "WHAT!" more confused than when Hashpipe appeared on the scene. "Nevermind that," said the creepy old Mr. Olivelicker "I assume your here to buy a bong? Or are you here to hear a story? My story telling takes exactly 43 minutes per story and---". "I'm here to buy a bong." "Okay wait here and I'll get a bong for you to try". A few minutes later, the creep came out with a bong and started babbling on about Harry's parents buying his bongs for way too expensive to say. He handed the bong to Harry and he began to smoke it when the creep screamed "NO, that's not how you use that bong! You wave it around and point it at things you want to blow up and such." He waved the bong and it exploded the dragon egg-sized lump like it was one of the pimples on Hashpipe's ass. The creep, as blood was shooting out of the lump like a fountain, said "Definitely not the right one, this bong thinks you're a loser" and Harry just sat there silently. The creep then came out with a black bong and gave it to Harry, and he waved it around and it worked right this time. "That is quite strange, I only ever made 1 bong like that before and I gave it to the one who gave you that scar." "I have a scar? I thought that was just the number 6 doodled on my head by my cousin." Olivelicker reassured Harry that it was indeed a scar and then told him to cough up 5,000 pounds, to which Harry replied by telling him to piss up a flag pole. Olivelicker, angered, confiscated the bong and refused to let him take it without payment, and Harry ran out of the store crying. He went to go look for Hashpipe to cry on his shoulder, but his large idiotic and odiferous friend was nowhere in sight. While looking for his giant friend, he found 57 drug dealers, 993 prostitutes and a guy talking to himself in the corner. Harry began to panic and think his idiotic trike-driving friend deserted him again and cried even more. After 4 hours of searching, he found Hashpipe in Fukturn Alley, which was the raunchiest, sleaziest part of Buyabong Alley. Harry asked Hashpipe what he was doing down there. Hashpipe, carrying a giant bag of something that to Harry's nose smelled like marijuana, said "Oh nothing, I got lost you see, nothing to worry about. Now where's your bong? I wanna see it!" "Olivelicker wouldn't sell it to me" said Harry. "WHAT!!!!??" "You failed to give me money Hashpipe." "Well, you don't need money. I'll convince Ovie Butler to give it to you" said Hashpipe. "Umm, do you mean Olivelicker?" "Yeah that." They went on to Olivelicker's where Hashpipe marched into the store with his infamous 18-foot shotgun while Harry waited outside. Shortly after Hashpipe entered the store, sounds of gunshots, screams, the breaking of glass and bones and other disturbing war sounds were heard. Harry was imagining a repeat of what happened to his aunt and uncle when Hashpipe came out losing 5 pints of blood a second and with more holes in him than St. Sebastian. "What the hell happened to you?" Harry asked. "Oh, we're going to the bank." Hashpipe replied. "What's the bank called?" "It's called Greensnots Jerry!" "My name's Harry, Hashpipe." "Oh yeah okay Mary let's go." As they entered Greensnots, Harry asked Hashpipe about the hideous workers. Hashpipe promptly told him "We don't have a name for them, they're too disturbing and midget like to come up with a name for them." "Oh" was the only word Harry could say about the disturbing little men working at the desks. As they went to the counter, one of the things said in a voice that is undescribable "YoU WaNt To WiTHdraW FroM your account?" "Um sure" Harry replied to the thing. Hashpipe told him they talk weirdly because they're lower class than the lower class. They got to Harry's vault with much excitement, but as the vault door opened, their excitement quickly faded away. There was nothing left but a dead rat and a gold coin inside. "Oh yeah, I collected it when your parents died. I might still have a few pounds left from it. Haha, guess we didn't have to come all the way to your vault!" replied the giant weirdo. "How much did they have?" asked Harry. "Oh about 100 billion pounds" said the fat bastard so casually that he might as well have been saying the sky was blue. "I think I just ate a grape on that one, how did my parents get that much money anyway" "You didn't know? They were and still are well-known wizard porn stars." Harry's face dropped and replied "I didn't need to know that". "Well, it's your fault, you asked." As they walked towards Hashpipe's vault, he promptly gave the sack he had gotten in Fukturn Alley to a man that he then told to go smoke it in a discreet location where he would come to meet him later. They opened Hashpipe's vault which had enough money in it for it to flood half the building but it some how stayed in the vault. After getting the money, they went on their way to Olivelicker's to get the bong. Harry, more scared than ever, forced his wimpy body into Olivelicker's where he tried to buy the bong again. Olivelicker decided to double the price, so Harry ran outside crying again and told Hashpipe what happened. Hashpipe then marched into Olivelicker's with the 5,000 pounds and, after some time, he came out with the 5,000 pounds and the bong. Harry asked him how he got it for free, to which Hashpipe replied "You don't wanna know" as he gave him the bong and was spitting like a llama. "Now we need to get you to the train station" said Hashpipe, grabbing Harry in a hurry.

After a long dispute about whether or not Santa Claus or Father Christmas was a better name for the fat man in red, they got to the train station. Upon arrival, Hashpipe ran into the bathroom and came out with a strange package that was supposed to be given to Elvis Drugwhore (Hogfarts' head master). He gave Harry his ticket and promptly told him he had to go, but before doing so, he added "By the way you're a wizard Harry." "I'm a what!?" "Why the fuck do you think you're going to Hogfarts?" replied Hashpipe. Harry asked why his ticket said platform 45 and 75 10ths. Hashpipe, rolling his eyes, said "Just follow me and you'll see." As they got between platforms 9 and 10, Hashpipe started charging at the wall in between the two platforms while screaming more profanity than an Irish sailor. Once he hit the wall, he went right through it, so Harry ran at it, though he did not scream profanity and just gave himself a concussion. So he tried again, this time screaming profanity and went through the wall to platform 45 and 75 10ths. Harry then got on the train and waved goodbye while Hashpipe, slinging snot like a little girl, said "They grow up so fast". The train was starting to take off when Hashpipe remembered something he forgot to give Harry. He screamed "WAIT!!" and grabbed a hold of the train and stopped it, so Harry came out and asked him what the hell he was doing. "I forgot to give you your birthday present! And here it is!" said Hashpipe while giving him a dinged-up-looking owl. "It's taxidermy, and I did the best I could to fix him up. He still looks pretty bad, but you can probably have Drugwhore do it way better." "I will name it Buttwig, thanks Hashpipe!" Hashpipe said goodbye once again, and this time the train was actually on its way to Hogfarts, so Harry began looking for a place to sit his ass. While browsing for a seat, Harry saw many disturbing characters on the train: in one compartment, he saw a blonde girl with upside down rose-colored glasses, seemingly talking to herself and reading one newspaper upside down and another one in Chinese that she read sideways. Sitting across from her (but was not the object of her conversation) was a sad sap-type character: short, geeky dark hair and blood dripping from his nose like the Multnomah Falls. The sad sap seemed to be particularly interested in his mirror (not for gazing purposes). "Not this one," Harry said under his breath as he moved to seek out a different compartment. Harry went up and down the train looking for a seat to no avail. All he found were a few mutants, seven midgets, two giants, the Keebler elf, and a strange, violent-looking blonde-haired dude with two fat friends, who seemingly couldn't stop scratching themselves. Harry's heart sank, with one more compartment to go he figured it was the worst of all. He had second thoughts on even looking inside, though he pulled himself together and took a quick glance, figuring if it really was that bad that he could just stand in the hall. As he peaked around the corner, he saw a kid who looked like a living Howdie Doodie (Rick Astley with a bit of Danny Bonaduce) playing bass. The bass playing caught Harry's attention, as it was "Love Buzz" in the style of Nirvana. Being the biggest Nirvana freak in the world, Harry leaped through the glass. The Howdie-Doodie kid seemed totally oblivious to the glass shattering and the four-eyed freak in front of him and continued playing with his floating amplifier beside him. "Hi, my name's Harry Pothead, what's your name?" Harry said extending his hands to a kid that was obviously in his own world of Nirvana and drugs, a world in which Harry so desperately wanted to be. The red-head kid replied by making noises to the bass line and then proceeding to sing very off-key. "Would you believe me when I tell you, you are the queen of my heart." "I am?" Harry replied. "Please don't deceive me when I hurt you, just ain't the way it seems." This time, Harry seemed to understand what the freaky Howdie-Doodieish kid was doing, and joined in to sing "Can you feel my love buzz?" The two losers repeated this line four times when a disturbingly normal-looking girl interrupted by walking into their compartment. The bass line ended abruptly as the red one stopped to gaze at the chick. "Oh, silly me, I thought someone was killing my cat in here. But I guess it's just you two singing." "Hey, I bet you can't sing any better" Harry replied, offended by her remark. "Hey babe, you wanna hear me play 'Sifting'?" the orange one said, still half-assed in his own world. "Oh, I'd love to, but I would like to keep my ears for at least a few more years", the chick said all hoity-toity. "What if we did 'Scoff' instead?" Harry asked, so desperately wanting to play any Nirvana song. "Fine, go ahead. But just play the music, I'll do the singing. Let me show you how it's done." The girl then removed a bong from the inside pocket of her school robes and waved it around and conjured up a microphone. The orange one conjured up some drums for Harry to play and a guitar for the girl. Harry began the drum line so full of passion and admiration for Nirvana, and when the time came, the girl began singing, strangely sounding exactly like Kurt Cobain on the original recording. Again, the bass stopped abruptly. "Hey babe, why do you sound just like the original? Is there something we should know", the orange guy said in total astonishment. "No, you moron, it's a spell. You should already know that if you're going to Hogfarts." "You're going to Hogfarts too?" Harry said so moronically. "No, I'm just taking a joy-ride on the Hogfarts Express for the hell of it" the girl said in an obviously sarcastic voice. "Oh, well that's cool too I guess. Too bad you're not going to school with us... " The girl, totally disgusted now at the two stoners' stupidity, packed up and began to leave the compartment. But, as a farewell, she added "Oh, by the way, my name is Harmonica Stranger" and went on her way. "Wait baby, come back, we can play 'About a Girl'!" the orange one cried out for Harmonica, but his cries fell upon deaf ears. "Damn, I lose more babes that way, shit!" The orange kid turned and, for the first time, noticed Harry standing before him and said "Hey, where the hell did you come from? Who are you?!" "I'm Harry Pothead, I told you that." The red kid's face changed as if he recognized the name, "Hey, you're parents are those wizard porn stars, aren't they? Wow, I never thought I'd meet the product of those movies." Bong stood up and proudly extended his hand to Harry and introduced himself, "My name is Bong, Bong Weasel. It's really nice to meet you Mr. Pothead. I hope we can be great friends. Say, do you like Nirvana?" Harry, nearly peeing himself at the mere mention of the name Nirvana, screamed "I LOVE NIRVANA MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF! THEY'RE THE ONLY REASON I HAVEN'T COMMITTED SUICIDE YET!" "Hey, that's pretty funny, since that main lead singer guy Kurt killed himself. You'd think he'd put some subliminal message in his songs, like 'I Hate Myself and I Wanna Die' or someth-", he stopped. "Oh wait, they had that song." Harry leaped into Bong's face and, yet again, screamed "THAT IS MY FAVORITE SONG! IT SPEAKS TO ME SO MUCH!" "I thought you said you didn't wanna kill yourself." "Well, not anymore, now that I have a friend like you!" Harry said as he squeezed Bong like he had mistaken him for an orange and was attempting to make juice. The two dick heads talked for hours, fanboying about Nirvana and various other weird bands. Eventually, Harry was able to vent about the horrible life he endured, but just as the conversation began, the train had made it to Hogfarts.

Upon arrival, Harry ran into Hashpipe again, who was randomly lighting fire to a nearby tree. "Harry, what are you doing here?" Hashpipe said. "You put me on the train to Hogfarts." "Oh yeah, boy your mother was hot." "WHAT?!" Harry replied, as confused as earlier mentioned. "Oh nevermind that, get going" Hashpipe said as he was violently pushing Harry and acting suspicious. Harry and the crew finally got to the grand front doors. Doors that were so large, they made Hashpipe seem like mouse turd in comparison. Inside they were greeted by a woman by the name of Professor McGoogoogoggles. "Welcome, one and all!" the decrepit old woman boasted. "Welcome to Hogfarts! Today, you will all be assigned to one of our four class houses, depending on your personality, likes, dislikes, habits and so forth. Once assigned to your house, you must proceed to your house's dinning table where we will feast." McGoogoogoggles didn't desire to stop there, no, she continued to babble on about Hogfarts' history and other completely boring things that Harry, nor anyone else, cared about. Just as Harry decided to take a nap to pass the time instead of committing suicide like his idol, he could've sworn he heard Bong say "Chad Channing was SOOOO much better than that other guy. Grohl... isn't that his name? Yeah, don't you agree Harry?" Harry could feel flames beginning to take hold in his heart, "No one says shit about Dave Grohl!" he thought. The wonderous idea to calmly state his opinion flashed through his mind only once, but that was soon over-looked when Bong continued "Yeah, then that loser formed that dumb, second-rate 'Foo Fighters' band! What the hell is a Foo Fighter anyway? I mean, seriously!" Harry's fist was plunged into Bong's face a mere 2.3 seconds after that remark was made. Three teeth promptly flew out of Bong's mouth, following the blood that had sustained them for so many years." WHAT THE HELL HARRY?!" "DON'T YOU EVER, EVER SAY ANOTHER UNKIND WORD ABOUT DAVE!!" "LIKE HELL I WILL!" Bong screamed, lunging for Harry's neck. The itchy freaks from the train took a cue from them and started screaming "riot, riot!" at the top of their lungs. And the riot that followed was so gruesome, so revolting that to this day no one will speak of it including us. The only reason it ever ended was that Professor McGoogoogoggles had taken the form of a pink and white Zizzer Zazzer Zuzz and devoured three students involved, which were none that anybody cares about. The room broke into a very refreshingly calm atmosphere, but the damage toll was already too high. Harry had lost his glasses, Bong lost 7 more teeth, Harmonica's magic microphone had been stomped on by four fat men, and McGoogoogoggles was left with the worst case of indigestion know to the wizarding world. They all followed McGoogoogoggles to the great hall where they would get sorted into there houses by The Snorting Hat. The hat was really odd, it was shaped like a nose and the nostril being where you stick your head in, but the strangest thing about it was that it was able to talk. Harry, being about as scared as he was going into Olivelicker's for the second time, forced himself to go up and have the hat placed on his head. Once on, it did a snorting noise as it was trying to decide whether to put him in Slideitin or Sniffenwhore. Harry, seeing that the itchy freaks were in Slideitin, he screamed at the top of his lungs "PLEASE NOT SLIDEITIIN!! PUT ME IN ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Annoyed by the nerd and just trying to get rid of him, the hat yelled "You smell like a Sniffenwhore!". Harry's faith in God was strengthened again and he continued to the Sniffenwhore table, where his two friends were, as well as the nerdy kid with the mirror that he saw on the train, who introduced himself. While his nose was pissing like a race horse, he said "Hi, I'm Sniffle Lungbutton. Welcome to Sniffenwhore". In total excitment, Harry made reference to the fact that Sniffle resembled Krist Novoselic. "Yeah, I get that all the time" Sniffle replied. "Oh, well I'm Harry Pothead and---" "Hey it's Harry Pothead, you're that guy---" "Who's parents were wizard porn stars?" Sniffle, after being interrupted by Harry, continued with "Actually, I was going to say the guy who was the only one to survive Voltagefart but yeah that". Harry, crying like a sap, said "You're the first person to know me not just because my parents were wizard porn stars. Wait, who the hell is Voltagefart?" "Don't speak his name!" said Hashpipe, coming out of nowhere and cutting in abruptly. Harry asked him why we wasn't at his job at the train station, to which Hashpipe replied (lying his ass off) "Oh um, I got injured on the job and they fired me for being late. Now I have a job being grounds keeper here at Hogfarts, which means I get to light fire to demented trees!". "Oh, sorry I got you fired Hashpipe. By the way, can I have my 5,000 pounds back? You never gave it back to me after Olivelicker gave you the bong." As this was going on, Elvis Drugwhore was going to give a speech but every student was being annoying and loud, so he yelled "EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!!!" The great hall quickly went quiet, so Elvis started to give his speech "Thank you very much. Anyway, I would like to introduce you to all the teachers here at Hogfarts: Servemyass Rape will be teaching potions, our grounds keeper is Ravenous Hashpipe, for the dark tarts we have Professor Queero, I forgot what McGoogoogoggles and everyone else teaches, so figure it out yourselves.. Any questions?" Some random kid requested a Mountain Dew, so Drugwhore gave him 4 months detention. Everyone then decided to just keep quiet, and Drugwhore told everyone to stuff their faces. The eating went on for hours until Drugwhore told everyone to get the hell out of his great hall. Harry and the gang went back to the Sniffenwhore common room where they met Bong's older brother Percy, who was "head boy." Percy gave a speech that went something like "Everyone needs to listen to me. All you cunts go up the stairs on your right and all you pricks the same on your left. We want no reproduction, kids!" Harry, thinking this guy was an asshole, went up to where he was supposed to. Harry then asked Bong "Why the hell is he such an asshole?" "It's because nobody has ever put 'Percy in the play pen' if you know what I mean." Not getting Bong's slang, Harry just said "okay" and Percy then went on to say "If some of your clothes are missing, we had immigrants from third-world countries put them away. Deal with it cunts!" and everyone went to bed.

They woke up the next morning to Percy beating them mercilessly with a bit of wood. "What the hell's this for?" Bong and Harry said in unison. "You slept in one minute late. I'm head boy, you get up when I tell you to. If I want you to get up at 11:60 PM, you get up at 11:60 PM!" Bong replied innocently and said "There is no 11:60 PM", which resulted in Percy knocking him unconscious. Harry had to drag his red-headed friend down the 13 flights of moving stairs to get to their first day of class, which they were late for. Bong woke up from his unconscious state and, once they got to their class, McGoogoogoggles screamed "WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU TWO?!". Harry told her about what happened to Bong, and McGoog replied with "Perhaps you should listen to Percy then. After all, he is head boy." The two got into their seats and then it suddenly cuts to them in potions class for some reason. While Rape gave a long, methodical, boring-ass speech about potions, Bong played air bass to Nirvana music (with headphones on) and Harry drew a cartoon of Rape being eaten by a liger. Rape noticed and threw a major, SammyClassicSonicFan-style fit. "What the fuck do you two think you're doing, in MY potions class?!" he yelled. Bong failed to notice him, but Harry replied with "Why don't you get out of my life and shut up!" "WHAT WAS THAT?!" "Go eat a corroded piece of crap!" Harry screamed so loud that it sounded very reminiscent of As I Lay Dying's music. Rape decided to continue the screaming match and said "That's it, 500,000 points from Sniffenwhore!" It cuts away again to flying class and the teacher there was some bitch who was going on about flying and told them to try to pick up their brooms. Nobody could do it, and a butt-load of kids were heard screaming "I CAN'T GET IT UP!" That Sniffle kid from earlier somehow managed to be the first one to get it up, but he got it up too much. It hit him in the face and went flying off in a rampage. While the bitch teacher took Sniffle to the hospital, the itchy freaks appeared again and this time, they introduced themselves. The blonde one, in a very homo-erotic tone, said "Hi, I'm Drago Fukboy, and these are my friends: Crap Eeter and Gargle Kum. What's your name?" Harry responded very aggressively to his tone and said "My name's Go Piss Up a Flagpole, queer!" Drago found his comment to be very offensive and pulled Harry's pants down, turning many of the women there into lesbians. The men roared with laughter as they pointed, while the women shrieked as they turned their faces and vomited. Bong laughed louder than anyone else, and Harmonica was one of the few women not turning her head (she was still disgusted though). Harry pulled his pants back up, trying hard not to cry as he jumped on his broom and flew away. Being sexually aroused by Harry's departure, Drago decided to follow him. Unfortunately, it was both boys' first day of flying, and they crashed into McGoogoogoggles' office that was in the tallest tower of the castle. "WHAT HAVE YOU TWO DONE?!" McGoogoogoggles screamed as she jumped to her feet in freight. She tossed Drago out the window and dragged Harry by the ear down 13 flights of moving stairs to the defense against the dark tarts classroom, where they walked in on Professor Queero performing a disturbing ritual on a goat. "Where's Morgan Wood, where is he?" screamed McGoog. "H-h-h-h-h-e's righ-righ- right over, right over, right ove-" McGoog got very angered at the broken record that Queero had become and punched him in the jewels with brass knuckles. "He's over there" Queero said with a voice that sounded strangely high-pitched like Wayne Newton. The 13-year-old boy Morgan went out into the hall with McGoogoogoggles and Harry. "Put this boy on your Spinage team, for the love of Cliff Burton." "I don't know, this guy looks like a wiener, I don't think he'd be a good player" Morgan said acting like an asshole. "JUST DO IT! If he joins the team, he might actually become a good flyer and not crash into my window" McGoog insisted. "What about Drago?" Harry said looking up to the old bitty as she was still reefing on his ears. "It wouldn't matter if he was put on the team or not, he'd still find a way to crash through my window. The Fukboys have been crashing through my windows for 150 years now." Harry, slightly bugged by this, shook his head and nodded. Morgan unhappily took Harry's other ear and took him to the Spinage field. Harry, now feeling as if his ears had been torn off, was put through many tests and challenges to see if he would actually be a good player. Spinage was a game that was somewhere between basketball, baseball, soccer and surfing that also had one of the house bands perform. So, our young, frail Harry was not a good candidate for the team (he sucked badly). He was so awful that Morgan simply said "You really are a wiener" and beat him with a bit of wood, complete with nails that rivaled Percy's in size for 4 hours straight. Their on-sight nurse, Dr. Gottfried, was called to the scene as Harry was so badly beaten. "This looks really bad" Gottfried said in a voice somewhere in between a duck and a dying pheasant. Harry's ears felt more like they were being torn off, simply by Gottfried's annoying voice. Still spurting blood, Harry got up and said "I'm okay now, thanks Mr. Gottfried, bye!" and ran like a fat man for the last piece of fried chicken. While running, Harry ran into Morgan, who said "You suck and all, but we're really hurtin' for Spinage players, everybody wants to join the band and not play the actual sport 'cuz of its high death toll! So, I'll put ya on the sports team!" Harry smiled like he had the Anal Intruder up his ass, said "Awesome!" and continued to run. He climbed the 13 flights of moving stairs again, intending on going to the Sniffenwhore common room when he saw Percy on the flight above him. Panicked, he got off on the floor he was already on and found a convenient room to hide in. The room was very dark and strangely resembled Olivelicker's bong shop. Just as Harry was about to leave, he heard growling which he decided to investigate. Harry found that the growling was coming from behind a creepy door that said "If you value your life at all, don't open this door. Otherwise, you're an idiot." Harry decided to be an idiot and open the door. Inside, what he found was a three-headed poodle that was about as fat as the Scurvey men. As the dog lunged for Harry spitting acid at him, he calmly shut the door and ran screaming like a girl getting her hair pulled out (or maybe he was just doing his Slayer impression). The trail of urine caught the attention of the janitor Mr. Feltcher. Feltch, with his cat Chuck Norris in hand, followed the trail to the idiot, who was cowaring in a corner. Feltcher got mad at the trail of urine that rivaled James Hetfield's penis in length and beat Harry senseless with a plunger that he had just used to clean the filthiest bathroom in the school. He then attempted to drag Harry down to the school dungeon when Bong and Harmonica arrived and bribed Feltcher with a box of Chicken in a Biskit. The bribe was accepted, Harry was released and the three friends proceeded to the Sniffenwhore common room, as Harry initially intended. Once they got to the common room, Harry began telling all the other Sniffenwhores about what he saw. "I SAW THIS BIG FUCKING DOG, IT HAD 3 HEADS, IT WAS SO FUCKING SCARY!" Harry said so unintelligibly that he was giving Tim Armstrong a run-in for his money. Sniffle, not understanding what Harry was yelling about, said "Maybe you should videotape this and play it back in slow-motion." Everyone ignored Sniffle and Harmonica told Harry to put a cork in it and added "Ask Hashpipe about it, he knows a lot about weird disgusting things." Harry decided to listen to her (even though he didn't want to) and went to bed.

The next day, while every jerk in the school was eating breakfast, Queero burst in running and screaming like a freak, whining about there being a "troll" in the school dungeon and then passed out. Everyone screamed as if someone was lighting their asses on fire and starting running around like idiots. Drugwhore then told everyone to calm the fuck down, shut up, and to return to their common rooms while the teachers blew away the troll with their wizard miniguns. Harry and Bong, while on their way to the common room, broke away from the group to go have a fist-fight with the troll for fun. Harmonica heard them and decided to tag along, figuring they'd get themselves killed without her. After about 20 seconds of running around the school like chickens without heads, they ran into the alleged "troll" that was so fat, it gave King Henry the 8th a run-in for his money (if he wasn't dead of course). The troll started heading for the girl's bathroom, so they followed him there, only to find him drinking the toilet water. Harry, very unimpressed by the troll, said "This is it?" "Well forget the fist-fight, this troll's defective" Bong replied. "Well maybe he won't be defective if we stab him in the ass!" Bong forced Harmonica to conjure up a well-placed knife and they began stabbing the troll in the ass repeatedly, but it acted like nothing was even going on. Harmonica then decided to conjure up a gun and proceeded to shoot the troll. It seemed very angered by this, but they figured that it was just the noise. The troll started to steam-roller them and the trio began to run like fuck in a panic. While chasing after them, the troll destroyed 3 bathrooms, the great hall, and Feltcher's apartment. They ran into the teachers who noticed the troll and began to shoot it with their wizard miniguns. By the time the teachers were threw with it, the troll was nothing but a bloody mess on the floor. The teachers were very angry at the trio's stupid idea of trying to take on the troll and took 400,000,000 points from Sniffenwhore and sent them to their common room. The next morning, Bong woke up everyone screaming, as it appeared that Harry had no head. "WHAT HAPPENED TO HARRY'S HEAD?!" he screamed so loud that Harmonica's family in Seattle heard it. Startled by Bong's screaming, Harry jumped up as his head came back and noticed some weird dress fall to the ground. The dress was pink polka-dotted and also came with a bonnet, booties and a pair of gloves. Harry put on the strangely-colored clothes and, apart from his face, appeared invisible. Bong, as excited as if he was meeting Kurt Cobain, yelled "Awesome sauce, that's so Radcliffe!" as he nearly choked on the cookie he was shoving down his throat. "WHAT?!" replied Harry, not understanding Bong's slang yet again. "Who cares, let's go show Harmonica!", so they did just that. Harmonica was in the library reading I Can Read with My Eyes Shut by Dr. Suess when her two dumb friends came in and shouted "Look what we got, look what we got!" She quickly shut the book, not wanting them to see what she was reading, and whispered "What the hell are you guys doing here? And keep it down, this is a library you know." "But look, we can be invisible, show her" Bong told Harry. Harmonica, commenting on the clothes, said "That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen, throw it in the garbage this instant Harry Pothead!" "Fuck you, it's an invisibility dress." "I can see that" Harmonica said. Bong very stupidly replied "No you can't, no you can't, it's invisible!" Harmonica cringed as she said "Why don't you go show somebody that gives a shit?" Harry screamed "YOU MUST SEE THIS!" as he ripped off his clothes, flashing everyone in the library as he proceeded to put on the dress. Unfortunately for Harry, he had put the dress on inside-out and was not invisible, which he did not notice. Being stupid and thinking he was invisible, Harry said "Oooooh, who's flipping through your book Harmonica? Have you ever seen a Dr. Suess book go and destroy the great hall?!" "Um, Harry-" Harmonica said trying to tell him he was not invisible. Her warnings fell on deaf ears, and Harry went into the great hall, just as brunch was being served, looking like a loser. The hall was filled with uproarious laughter, and every witch and wizard pulled out their wizard cellphones and took very magical pictures of Harry's get-up. They then promptly posted the humiliating pictures of Harry on Wizard Twitter, Facebook, and basically every other social media website. Realizing what happened, Harry ran to Hashpipe's house crying once again, bonnet and all.

Big Cheese

Stupid stuff

I'm tired of hiding under a mask, I don't really have anyone to talk to about my problems. I've been being a dick on this forum, trying to be funny to hide my insecurity and ignore my depression but I'm just completely sick of it. And this is really the only place I can think of to say anything about it.

I've had issues with depression for a while, since I was about 8 years old. I've dealt with other problems too since I can remember, like anxiety, OCD, ect ect. I had a break from depression for about a year, from 15 to about 16, after that things went back to how they were, I used to be able to ignore it most of the time. But around August, it got much worse, and since then I've been more depressed than I ever have before. That's when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I don't want to take pills, but I have to to be somewhat normal. I can't sleep, even though I really want to, I only get like 2 hours of sleep per night, some days I don't even sleep at all. I'm at the point where I just want to sleep forever and dream. I've had sleeping problems since I was like 5 though so it's nothing new. I mood-swing all the time, everyday. For like 20 minutes I'll feel somewhat happy, then I'm just so sad/depressed that I want to cry and/or kill myself, then I'm so angry I want to beat the hell out of anyone/anything I see, and I deal with this everyday. I just hate myself so much, I hate basically everyone in the world, I even hate most of my family, the only people in my family I give a shit about are my parents, my siblings and my godparents, besides that I greatly despise everybody in it. But even with them I feel like I can't talk about much. I've talked to my brother a bit about stuff but he has issues with depression too so I don't like to load my problems onto him. I like quite a few people on GDC, but there's only about 3 people on here I feel close to. I've never been good at making friends. Since I can remember, quite a lot of people haven't liked me. I've tried to have friends, and a few times I've felt like I've made real friends, but then they just turn around and say they hate me, or just break off any contact with me. A lot of my relatives have just decided they don't want anything to do with me either, they act like they're all "too cool" for me or something. My relatives are so judgmental, my grandma used to call me all sorts of names, tell me I was no good, anything bad you can think of. She's dead now though so good fucking riddance. Then I'm basically disowned by my dad's whole family 'cuz they're all highly religious and I'm agnostic. All my cousins always make fun of me too, and for stupid stuff, they make fun of me for not having a girlfriend, not having all the nice stuff, not using stuff like Facebook/Twitter/Ask.fm, ect ect and I just hate it, I hate them so much. I have absolutely no friends in real life, I'm incredibly lonely, and when I'm not working (which isn't much anymore), I just lay around and do absolutely nothing but listen to music/write songs and come on here, I spend a lot of time alone. I really wish I didn't care what people think of me, but I do and I hate that so much. Various people have been critical of the stuff I do: my guitar playing gets trashed on, my lyrics have been trashed on, my drawings and my films scripts I used to do, ect ect and I'm so tired of it. Plus, I can't keep my band stable. We had a bassist, but me and him hate each other now, but my brother and sister are still friends with him, so I still see him and he just does nothing but annoy me to no end. And then because of my brother's depression, he hasn't been too into the band stuff lately either.

Then to top it all off, there's this girl I really, really like. I like her so much, I've liked her since June. I've written tons of songs about her, I dream about her every night, she's in my every thought, she's everything I've ever wanted in a girl. She doesn't hate me, but she has a boyfriend. I can't stand it, whenever I see them together I literally vomit all over myself, and when I think about it I get uncontrollable: I knock things over, I kick things and I just get so angry. I'm not gonna give up on her though, I love her too much. She's very important to me and I'm gonna fight for her. But then I think to myself and about all the stuff I mentioned above and think "Why would she like me?". But all I really want is her, I don't give a shit if anything I wanna do works out as long as I get to be with her.

Sorry about that long spew, I just wanted to get all of it out. This is basically just 10+ years of repressed emotions that are finally being let out.

Big Cheese

"Cuckoo Bin" (lyrics)

Basically all the lyrics came from a song I wrote a few months back called "Caged" (you might remember that one, I posted it in my WIMHA thread), while the chorus was something that had been floating around in my head for the last two years (even though it's only two lines)! lol We had a song called "Padded Cell" that had basically no lyrics (except the chorus) and really went nowhere, so we used the music from that for this song and retitled it "Cuckoo Bin".

Trapped in this asylum, I just wanna be free

I try to call out but everyone ignores me

Maybe one day I'll be let out

That's wishful thinking, it's something I doubt

I'm not insane

I've been put here by mistake

Someday they might take pity on me

But that's something I just can't see

I really want to see the light of day

I gotta get out, there must be a way

Big Cheese

"Slug" (lyrics)

This one's a song I wrote about some guy I really, really don't like. Nobody I know likes him either. And the worst part about this guy is... his favorite song is "Gangnam Style"! :lol:

Stay away from me you stupid fuck

Nobody likes you and I think you suck

Someday I'll get revenge for what you've done

I'll ruin your life and have so much fun

You're really just a wimp but you try to act tough

You've pushed me too far, I've had enough

I'm sick of all the shit you put me through

Fuck you and that "Gangnam Style" shit you listen to

Quit trying to hit on all the girls

They hate you and you make them wanna hurl

You think you're so smart but you're really dumb

You act all cool though you're nothing but scum