We Apologize for the Inconvenience, but This Rezzy Leon Story Is Out of Order
Chapter 1: "This sentence is out of order, this chapter is out of order, and this whole story is out of order!"
It’s another one of those not-so-typical days, as usual, and Rezzy and Tim are having lunch, eating wings and drinking Hawaiian Punch.
"I swear," Tim says as he opens his can of Hawaiian Punch. "Suzy really is working up my nerves today."
"How so?" Rezzy asks as he folds his arms.
"She keeps bugging me for 50 cents just so that she can get a soda out of that damn vending machine in the teacher's lounge."
"I thought the teacher's lounge is only for teachers, staff and student aids, though."
"Suzy IS a student aid. Someone needs to just write down "out-of-order" on a piece of paper and tape it onto the vending machine just so that she thinks it's broken or something. She sure as hell would stop bothering me then!"
Mylo then arrives to the lunch table to join Rezzy and Tim, stealing a wing off of Tim’s plate as he takes his seat.
"Sorry for my tardiness," Mylo says. "I had to calm down Johnny just now."
"What was Johnny all worked up for?" Rezzy questions.
"Eh... Mr. Willis confiscated his phone. I'd rather not talk about it. It wasn't a pretty sight."
"Johnny didn't put an "out-of-order" post-it note on his phone?" Tim asks.
"What the hell are you talking about, Tim?" Mylo responds.
"Please," Tim insists. "Allow me to explain. Rezzy, you recall me saying how I wish the vending machine in the teacher's lounge would have an "out-of-order" sign on it so that people would think it's broken, right?"
"Yeah," Rezzy responds. "You mentioned it not even a minute before Mylo came here just now. Also, were the air-quotes really necessary when you said "out-of-order?""
"Very. That's because the vending machine isn't really broken. Well, at least in my example, it wasn't."
"So...," Mylo says while licking his fingers, finishing the wing he stole from Tim's plate. "Where are you going with this, Tim?"
"What I'm trying to say is that if Johnny would've had a post-it note on his phone that read "out-of-order", then Mr. Willis would've thought that his phone was broken. Broken phones can never be confiscated."
"I call bullshit on that," Rezzy flouts.
"Yeah," Mylo concurs, "I'm actually with Rezzy on this one. I highly doubt that a post-it note will convince anyone that a phone is broken."
"Alright," Tim says as he digs through his backpack, taking out post-it notes. "Since you don't believe me, I'll prove it."
Tim then writes down “out-of-order” on a post-it note and slaps it onto his phone.
"I'll have this note on my phone for the remainder of the day, AND I'll even have my phone exposed in plain sight. It won't even be in any of my pockets, and I will prove to you that it will not be confiscated."
"I'll tell you what, Tim," Rezzy says. "You don't have to prove anything to us. Instead, why don't the three of us all bet and compete against each other with your whole "out-of-order" phone idea? We'll all have a sticky note on our phones that reads "out-of-order," and it MUST be in plain sight until the bet is over."
"I like that idea," Mylo says, "but how much are we exactly betting? My paychecks aren’t all that favorable, you know."
"Hm...," Rezzy thinks aloud. "$25 each sounds reasonable, doesn't it?"
"It does to me!" Tim exclaims. "Count me in, the bet is officially on!"
The three of them then shakes hands, beginning the bet as Rezzy and Mylo writes down "out-of-order" on a post-it note and puts it on their phones.
"We'll need a treasurer for the bet, though," Mylo mentions, "so that whoever loses has to give him/her $25 to hold onto just until the bet is over. When the bet is over, the treasurer will reward the winner his money!"
"But who will be treasurer?" Rezzy asks. "There are only three of us at this table, and we're all betting against each other."
Mary then walks up to the table, taking a seat.
"Whoa," she says. "What's with all of these post-it notes? Are we sharing answers for a big test or something? Anyways, Rezzy, may I have a word with you for a minute or two?"
"Mary," Rezzy says. "Can it wait? I'm in the middle of discussing a bet here."
"Yeah," Tim chimes in. "We're actually looking for someone to hold onto the money until the bet is over. Are you willing to do it?"
"Hm...," Mary hesitates. "I'll do it only if Rezzy's willing to text me next period about what I need to tell him."
"Fine," Rezzy bluntly responds. "I'll text you."
Next period arrives as Rezzy and Tim are seated in Mr. Bates' class, formerly Mr. Whirly’s. In the midst of Mr. Bates giving a lecture, Rezzy is texting Mary. Mr. Bates begins to pace around the classroom as he is speaking, walking pass Rezzy's desk. He then stops and looks down on him to freeze him with a stern stare.
"Oh!" Mr. Bates exclaims, holding his stare. "Rezzy, I know you're not texting in my class, are you? Let alone the fact that I'm giving a lecture, I'm quite curious about who you are texting. If Mr. Whirly were still here, I bet he'd be furious with you right now."
"Who?" Rezzy responds. "Me? No, not at all. I'm just using this as a calculator because, um... The one that's assigned to me in this class is, um... It has dry batteries."
Mr. Bates then walks to his desk to take a pack of batteries off of it, and opens it. He then walks over to the calculator shelf to grab Rezzy's assigned calculator and replaces the batteries. After that, he walks back over to Rezzy's desk and places his calculator on it.
"Now," he says to Rezzy as he holds out his right hand. "Let me read your texts aloud to the whole class right now, or else I'll have to confiscate your "out-of-order" phone. That post-it note ain't fooling anybody."
"Oh, no, Mr. Bates," Rezzy replies in an uptight voice. "Please don't read them to the whole class."
"Alright, fine. I won't read them... YOU will."
"Are you serious?! Right now? To the whole fucking class? Right when we're learning about calculus?"
"Well, if you were paying attention, you would know that we are, in fact learning about trigonometry! Now, read those texts to us right now. You don't want me to write you up for profanity and disobedience against a teacher do you?"
"Crap... Fine, I'll read it aloud.
"Rezzy: Hey Mary. You wanted to talk to me about something?
Mary: Yes, actually. It's prompted relative.
Mary: Sorry, I meant to say "prom-related." Autocorrect is acting up on me again.
Rezzy: Oh, okay. What about prom?
Mary: I won't go too deep into the details, but my dad asked me who my prom date is, and I told him that I'm going with you. He said that he wants to talk to you at my house afterschool today.""
"Ooooh...," the class instigates.
"Go on!" Johnny demands. "I want to hear the response you texted her!"
"Okay," Rezzy responds. Seconds of silence passes by, as the whole class continued to stare at Rezzy.
"Well?" Johnny says. "What did you say to her, Rezzy?"
"I just said it. I said "Okay.""
"Aw...," the class complains.
"Really, Rezzy?" Tim says. "Women don't like one-word responses."
"I'm letting you off with a warning, Rezzy," Mr. Bates states. "Next time, I will confiscate it."
"Ooooh...," the whole class instigates again.
"Will all of you instigators shut the hell up?!" Rezzy complains.
Chapter 2: "THE RAIN DROPS"
Afterschool, Rezzy goes over to Mary's house and knocks on her door. After a few seconds of silence of Rezzy standing in front of the door, Mary answers the door.
"Oh," Mary says. "Hi, Rezzy!"
"Hey, Mary," Rezzy responds. "Um... Your parents are home, right?"
"Yeah, they're here, but I'm about to leave right now. I have to pick up my little brother from school. I'll be right back."
"Oh, okay. That's fine with me."
Mary then walks up to her car, a red Toyota Prius, opening the door to the driver's seat.
"I'll see you later, Rez-Rez! Just have a seat in the dining room. That's where you'll meet my parents. I hope you'll enjoy meeting them!"
Mary then enters the car, driving away as Rezzy walks into Mary's house. Rezzy then enters the dining room, only to discover that it's vacant and very exquisite. As soon as he took a seat to await the arrival of Mary's parents, he sets his phone onto the dining table.
Mary's parents then walk into the dining room to take a seat across from Rezzy. Mary's father then stares at the post-it note on Rezzy's phone.
"So," he says, still eying Rezzy's phone. "You must be the Rezzy that Mary's been talking about for months."
"Um...," Rezzy hesitates. "Yes, that's me."
"Huh... That's interesting. Say, what kind of phone do you have?"
"Um... It's an Android."
"Excuse me, Rezzy," Mary's mother interrupts. "Would you like anything to drink before we interrogate the shit out of you?"
"Um...," Rezzy answers. "Pepsi, if you have any. If not, then I'll take some water instead."
"Okay," she responds as she smiles and leaves the dining room, going into the kitchen.
"So...," Mary's father continues. "Anyways, you're here to seek my approval to take Mary to prom with you, if I'm not mistaken."
"Oh, yes," Rezzy responds, fiddling his thumbs. "That is correct, sir."
"Please, call me Mr. Lee. So, how long have you had this crush on Mary?"
"Um... Don't get me wrong, your daughter is very lovely. She's friendly and sweet, but I just don't see her anything more than just a friend."
"Oh, okay... That's cool beans in the machine for me, I guess. That still leaves me a bit wishy-washy as to whether or not I should trust you with my daughter on prom night. Why do you think I should trust you?"
As soon as Rezzy was able to answer Mr. Lee's question, Rezzy's phone rang with some Radiohead ringtone to where Thom Yorke is singing aloud "THE RAIN DROPS, THE RAIN DROPS."
"Hold that thought, Mr. Lee," Rezzy says as he takes off the post-it note only to see that Tim is calling. "I'll have to answer this."
"What is it, Tim?" Rezzy answers his phone. "I'm kind of in the middle of something right now."
"Mylo isn't responding to any of my texts or calls at all," Tim panics. "Have you talked to him at all sometime after school today? This isn't like him to not reply."
"Calm down. He's probably just napping or something. For all we know, he could be playing the ponies with his uncle again."
"Well, if you do so happen to get a message from him or something, tell him that I need to tell him something ASAP."
"Why don't you wait until you see him tomorrow?"
"Fine. Go back to whatever you were doing. I'll see you tomorrow."
Rezzy hangs up and sets his phone back on the table and then puts the post-it note back on it, returning his attention to Mr. Lee.
"Where were we?" Rezzy asks. "Oh yes, something about you trusting me with Mary on prom night? Well, I'm pretty sure it'll mean something to Mary if I go with her."
"But then the question remains," Mr. Lee says. "Will it mean something to YOU?"
"If it meant nothing to me, I wouldn't have say "Yes." to her."
"Hm... okay. That's cool beans in the machine for me."
"DANNY!" Mrs. Lee yells from the kitchen.
"WHAT?!" Mr. Lee responds.
"WHERE ARE THE ICE CUBES?"
"WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ONES THAT WERE IN THE FREEZER?"
"I HAD TO MELT THOSE TO GET RAZZY'S WATER!"
"Why did I marry a blonde?"
"WHAT WAS THAT?"
"OH, NOTHING SWEETY. I WAS TELLING REZZY THAT I TRUST HIM WITH BEING MARY'S PROM DATE."
"OH, OKAY. THAT'S NICE ON ICE."
"You should probably leave now," Mr. Lee tells Rezzy.
Chapter 3: "That burrito was the best burrito I’ve ever had."
The next day arrives at lunchtime, and Rezzy, Tim and Mary are sitting at the table, eating burritos and drinking Caprisun... not that it matters anyways, but I digress!
"So how were things with you and my parents yesterday?" Mary asks.
"It felt very awkward," Rezzy claims. "They do, however, have a very nice dining room."
"Wow...," Tim says. "Okay, but at least you got the seal of approval to be Mary's prom day, right?"
"Yeah," Rezzy went on, "but something tells me that he still doesn't trust me."
"Really?" Mary asks. "What makes you think that?"
"I don't know. You just had to be there to see his facial expressions."
"Rezzy," Tim says. "Loosen up a bit, will you? You're starting to act the same way when you thought Charlie hated you for being gay. Wait... Do Mary’s parents know you're gay?"
"No, that topic never came up."
Mylo walks up to the table and takes a seat, slamming his backpack onto the table. He then takes $25 out of his pocket and slams it onto the table.
"I'm out," Mylo says.
"Wow, really?" Rezzy says as Mary takes the money. "Who confiscated it?"
"Some FBI agent did, all because he thought it was a remote to some bomb I allegedly planted in some lake... It's so stupid! He tackled me to the ground, demanding which bomb was "out-of-order" and told me that it wasn't fooling anyone and whatnot... Anyways, has anyone ever got suspicious of your phones yet?"
"No, not really. I had a close call yesterday, but that's the closest I'll ever be. That's because I surrounded my phone with sticky notes so that whenever I text, the teacher will think I'm digging through my notes or something."
"Huh... I never thought of that. Well, since I'm out of the bet, it's down to you and Tim."
"Oh!" Tim exclaims. "Speaking of me, I just got a $10,000 scholarship to Texas State University! That's what I've been wanting to tell you two yesterday."
"Wow, okay, whatever," Rezzy remarks. "Well, anyways, I'm not going to lost this bet without a fight. I WILL win!"
"I'll believe that when North Korea becomes a democracy."
"Bitch, please. I'll text you so hard, people will think your phone is a pocket-sized vibrator."
"Ew...," Mary says in disgust at Rezzy.
"I have my phone set on silent, you dumbass!" Tim corrects.
"Okay you two," Mylo says. "Settle down. It's only $50 that's on the line."
"Only $50?" Rezzy says. "ONLY $50?! Let me tell you something, Mylo Alex Flores, you'd be surprise at what "only $50" can do."
"Yeah," Mary replies. "$50 is what bought me this prom ticket!"
"Alright, alright," Mylo relents. "I get your point, but by the end of the bet, ask yourself, "Was it really worth getting my phone taken up?""
"Who are you directing that to, Mylo?" Tim asks.
"I'm directing that to whoever is the next person to get his phone confiscated. Whoever it is, he's the loser, like me. It could be YOU, Tim, or it could be YOU, Rezzy."
"Mylo," Rezzy says. "You're scaring me, along the beans out of my burrito."
Chapter 4: "I don't care what you guys think about Nutella pancakes."
The next morning, Rezzy and his mother were home, enjoying their time during breakfast... Well, at least Rezzy is trying to enjoy a good Saturday morning as Tim kept texting him plenty of messages constantly. Rezzy's phone is on the table, constantly vibrating, causing the orange juice in Rezzy's glass to ripple slightly at the meniscus.
"Rezzy," Mrs. Leon says as she flips a Nutella pancake. "Please respond to that obsessed friend of yours. Your phone is starting to sound like a pocket-sized vibrator."
"Um... Sure thing, mother," Rezzy says as he picks up his phone to see his messages. As Rezzy checks his inbox, he began to notice how many messages were sent from Tim.
Tim sent you 86 messages.
"Wow...," Rezzy says as he stares at the intimidating "86." "This better not be spam."
Rezzy then opens up the messages to see what Tim had sent him. The first seventy or so messages were basically just obscene gestures and whatnot about how he wants Rezzy to lose, sending suggestive and intimidating messages. Here's just some of what he sent Rezzy...
I'm gonna whoop your ass with love so much that you'll take the back door on your way out instead of the front. Believe me, it WILL hit you in the ass. I run this house. You know what I mean? I know, I'd kill myself, too, if I were you.
P.S. I want to do your mom for a career."
"Well?" Mrs. Leon says as she sets down a plate of Nutella pancakes on the table. "How much spam did you read?"
"Um..., hold that thought," Rezzy says as he texts back Tim. Seconds after he sends his response, his phone began to ring again with that Radiohead ringtone of his. "Excuse me," Rezzy says as he stands up out of his seat. "I'll have to take this to my room for a moment or two."
"Easily understandable," Mrs. Leon replied, flipping more of those Nutella pancakes of hers.
Rezzy sat down on his bed and answer his phone.
"What the hell do you want, Tim?" Rezzy complains. "You sent me 86 damn messages within the span of an hour! That HAS to be a world record for the most text messages sent to a person in less than an hour, and it's not even between any arguing couples! You, sir, are displaying a preposterous amount of unsportsmanlike conduct for someone who wants to win a bet."
"Who is this?" an unfamiliar voice responds. "I'm trying to get a hold of some guy named Rezzy Leon."
"Okay, this is starting to scare the shit out of me. How'd you obtain this phone, and why are you calling this number?"
"Why are you scared? This is only Tim's father!"
"Oh," Rezzy relieved. "Okay... What is it you need, Mr. Desmond?"
"Yeah, I couldn't help but to notice my son was constantly texting you, even screaming out stuff like "LOSE REZZY! YOU WILL LOSE!" Talk about being overly competitive... Anyways, next thing I knew, I found a recent progress report on his bed, and since he has failing grades, I told him that he's grounded from his phone. Sure enough, he gave me his phone, yelling "FUCK YOU, REZZY!" Also, why is there a post-it note that reads "out-of-order" on his phone? It just doesn't make any sense."
"Eh, I'm not sure, honestly. Anyways, may I speak with Tim just for a few moments right quick?"
"Sure... TIM! Rezzy wants to talk with you."
"What the hell you want?" Tim answers.
"Oh, I don't want anything. I just wanted to let you know that I win the bet!"
"Whatever... Just shut your mouth. Please don't tell Mylo tomorrow. I'll tell him myself."
Chapter 5: "Do I look fat in this prom dress?"
Rezzy is sitting alone at the lunch table writing a paper on the following Monday they returned to school from the weekend break as Mary arrives and takes a seat to join Rezzy.
"Where is everyone?" she asks as she takes her seat.
"In Galveston," Rezzy replies as he sets his pencil down to take a break from his writing.
"No, I just wanted to see how you'd react."
"Oh, okay. Anyways, while you and I are having our "alone" time together, I have something to show you."
"You... You have something to show me?"
Mary then takes out her phone and begins to scroll through the pictures and gives her phone to Rezzy.
"Look," she says as Rezzy takes the phone. "How do I look in it?"
"Um...," he says as he observes the picture. "You look very beautiful, but are the pearls really necessary? I mean, come on, you look like you could be the girlfriend of Sir Pearl Marbles."
"Shut up," she laughs as she gives Rezzy a love-tap on his shoulder. "That's no way to talk about my prom dress. At least you didn't say I look fat in it or anything, like what Tim told me this morning as he gave me his $25 from losing the bet."
"Oh yeah, speaking of Tim, where is he? He should give your prom dress a second opinion."
"Hm... I don't know where exactly Tim is, but he really should second guess his opinion, although I know he didn't meant what he said about it this morning. He was mainly talking about how he should've kept his grades up so that he wouldn't have been grounded from his phone. Oh, by the way, he told me to tell you that he said "Congratulations, fucker.""
"Hm... Oh well. It's Tim's lost now. Just give me my money that I won."
"Oh, about that..."
Mylo then joins Mary and Rezzy as he smiles and nods in greeting to the two, interrupting what Mary was about to say.
"Hello there, Mylo," Rezzy says. "Have you seen Mary's prom dress?"
"No, I haven't," Mylo says as Mary gives him her phone so that he can see the dress.
"It looks really beautiful on you, Mary," Mylo says. "However, you kind of look like Sir Pearl Marbles' girlfriend."
"Oh shut up, you," Mary says as she takes back her phone. "Rezzy, over here, said the exact same thing. I do appreciate the compliment, though."
"Speaking of you, Rezzy, how does it feel to win the bet?"
"Never have I felt so victorious in my life before," Rezzy says as he raises his sugar-reduced milk to propose a toast.
"I'd like to propose a toast! This man, over here, have been suffering through what felt like years of mourn and pain over the two phones that were lost in their heroic battles and struggles to win."
"It was actually about four days," Mylo corrects Rezzy.
"Shut up, I'm giving a speech before my toast. Anyways, before I was so rudely interrupted, I' like to thank everyone who supported my phone and I, like my service provider, Verizon, and Staples for providing the post-it notes that we three used on our phones."
"Fine," Mylo says as he raises his milk. "I'll drink to that."
"Now," Mary says as she raises her milk in conformity, "let's have a toast to the one and only, Rezzy Leon!"
Just as everyone were reaching in to collide milk cartons to toast, Mylo then decides to throw his milk at Rezzy, drenching him as Mary quickly backs away in her seat from the table to avoid getting milk on her.
"What the hell was that for?!" Rezzy snaps as he uses his paper to dry himself.
"For winning, you fucking cheater!" Mylo responds as he shoots up two middle fingers at him.
"I can't believe it! I didn't even cheat! And to think Tim would be the one acting like this..."
He then turns his attention to Mary, staring at her in confusion.
"Can you at least give me my $50 for winning?"
"What $50?" Mary asks, shrugging her arms. "Oh, you mean the accumulated money Mylo and Tim gave me? Yeah, about that..."
"What about that, Mary?"
"You see, what had happened was that this Saturday, I went to this place and, uh... Yeah, how did you think I was able to get that pearl-embellished prom dress?"
© Anthony Romero, 2013