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  1. Lone
    Latest Entry

    By Lone,

    10 Most popular topics for 2017
    1) The Green Day Fangirls' Confessions Thread - 10,413 posts
    2) Green Day Instagram Photos - 4,363 posts
    3) Random Green Day Thoughts - 2,540 posts
    4) New shows setlist discussion - 1,961 posts
    5) Donald Trump wins election - 1,933 posts
    6) Blasphemy & Genocide: Unpopular Green Day Opinions, Part 2 - 1,802 posts
    7) Random Thoughts - 1,506 posts
    8) Green Day announce new greatest hits album �God�s Favourite Band� � featuring new song - 1,303 posts
    9) Random Green Day News - 1,175 posts
    10) Revolution Radio Promotion and Commercial Performance - 975 posts

    Top 5 Most Active Members
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    Top 5 Most Liked Posts
    This post by Fuzz in Green Day, Manager Pat Magnarella Part After 21 Years
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    This post by Billie Hoe in Have you met Green Day?
    This post by luketrebilliemike in 2017/02/08 - O2 Arena, London, United Kingdom

    Top 5 Most Viewed Blog Posts
    Update on my dad (1,352 views)
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    My first concert (735 views)

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  2. New lyrics. Enjoy.

     

    I Would Part Oceans, But I'm Powerless At Sea

     

    It's not something that I usually do

    Try to rotate through my comfort zone for someone new

    I guess you're just that worth it to me

    Clearly, or else I wouldn't catch the retrograde in the sea

     

    I can't sleep and I can barely think

    The phantoms are changing and the battery's low

    These notes on my phone are replacing the ink

    and I go and I go until I have these thoughts to show

     

    ---

     

    Raised in the age of the hopeless romantics

    all the chemical mixtures come down to semantics

    and I wish this game show would pull the lights from me

    The heat of the spotlight evaporates all that I want to be

     

    But maybe someday the proper notes will play

    and I'll find the words that I really do want to convey

    I can't say when the multiverses collide

    or when my life will finally subside

     

    But until then

    Now and again

    The anxiety creeps up from behind the curtain

    The one I thought I had covered for certain

    On the screen and filling the spaces

    I left empty in my broken faces

    It pulls up a chair in the front row

    just to show dominance, like I don't know

    I know, oh I know

     

    ---

     

    I've been blissfully alone for so long that I don't know how to cope

    The low glow of the lights below show the shadows that I elope

    Nobody's supposed to be here, the memories are so unclear

    and the alcohol brings back the starlit days of my isolation, the conversations with myself always draw far too near

     

    Nobody's supposed to be here, the memories are so unclear

    Most of me is the silent introvert but this puzzle has more cracks than it appears

    Nobody used to come near, my mind was overrun by fear

    But this slipped my grip when my eyes tripped and you wandered over here

  3. I'm having such a hard time with my life right now. I'm kind of at a crossroads with what I want to do with my life. I'd like to go to medical school with a forensics emphasis so I could be a medical examiner, but I'd also really like to go to medical school and nursing school to be a nurse in the NICU, but I'd also really like to go to piercing school to be a professional piercer, but I'd also really like to go to cosmetology school... Do you see my dilemma?

    None of these are really my "dream job." Just casual interests. The only problem is I live in 'Merica and education here is so damned expensive and I'm nervous about going to school for so long and spending so much money, and ending up hating what I studied and paying for a degree I'll never use until I die. (Such a positive thing - debt until I die). 

    Any advice??

  4. https://driver93.wordpress.com/2018/11/11/new-discovered-albums-months-of-august-and-september/

    Caetano Veloso, Gal Costa – Domingo (1967) 8.5/10

    Peter Buck of R.E.M recommended this album. It’s Brazilian but it’s an amazing album. Probably only accessible on Spotify and vinyl (as I couldn’t find a CD of this album) But has this easy-listening and folk infusion. The vocals are clean. The instrumentals are also pretty clean and easy to listen to. I think this could be an essential record for people into world music. And what I consider world music as an American is foreign for starters, and has an ethnic vibe to whatever region the artists belong to. On a personal base, I wanted to give this album at least two listen throughs before making a rating. This is the first Folk and World infused album I’ve given a chance to, and will listen to it again.

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    Esprit 空想 – 200% Electronica (2017) 7/10

    A chillwave/vaporwave type of album. Definitely a must for avid vaporwave fans. People think of Vaporwave and only think of Macintosh Plus/Vektroid. Esprit 空想 has this chillwave vibe to their work; well with this album anyways. Generally I can’t give vaporwave more than an 8 out of 10, because of how it does sometimes blend into each song, and that can be overwhelming for my sensory issues sometimes; and could make me very tired easily. Not to say that this album is bad by any means, personally I have to be in the mood for this type of music anyways. It’s definitely not something I’d play on repeat every day.

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    Florence + The Machine – High As Hope (2018) 8.5/10

    I’ve heard mixed reviews about this album. From the first lesson, it definitely is a hit with me. I think people didn’t like the polarizing of the tracks. Honestly, this is Florence at her finest, with her vocal range. Yes, this album might not appeal to the mainstream media (people who are fanatics of mumble rap or trending music) Objectively my favorite tracks are: Sky Full of Song, Hunger, and Grace. Indie for sure, through and through. I wanted to give this somewhere between an eight and nine for ratings, so I decided 8.5 would be appropriate (just from my personal tastes).

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    Earth – The Bees Made Honey in The Lion’s Skull (2009) 7.5/10

    Introductory to Drone Metal/Rock. If you want to get into that genre, I suggest you all listen to anything by Earth really. This album in particular, I found via podcasts on iTunes circa 2009ish when I was a 10th grader in high school. For me personally, it does get to be a little boring after the first 2 tracks, because of how lengthy these tracks are (one being nearly 10 minutes long) with droning instrumentals, and no vocals; which is essentially the point of drone metal anyways. The album cover is interesting, I actually like it. There’s like 9 or 10 tracks on this album averaging around 6 to 8 minutes of a track. So around a 45 minute album.

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    Evanescence – Synthesis (2017) 4/10

    Objectively, this has to be Evanescence’s worst album. The concept was okay. But the execution was highly poor. There were two newish songs on there Hi-Lo which was a demo from the previous albums, and Imperfection which was the lone new single that has been written for this album. Other than that, Amy was trying to copy what Epica, Within Temptation, and all the other symphonic metal bands have done in the past. And it was poorly executed in my opinion. There was 12 tracks on this album 2 newish songs, and at least 1 instrumental. Then the remaining tracks were rehashes of older songs/hits. The only good songs that I care for My Heart is Broken, Lacrymosa, Lithium and Hi-Lo. They butchered Bring Me to Life and Imaginary for sure. I try to dodge this album if I can when on Spotify unless it’s the remakes of songs I enjoy.

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  5. Pinhead Gunpowder - West Side Highway

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    The Network - Money Money 2020 - of course this has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Green Day 😉

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    Billie Joe + Norah - Foreverley Taiwanese CD with OBI

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    The Frustrators - Griller on black and red vinyl

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    U2 and Green Day - The Saints are Coming - Japanese promo CD single with OBI

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  6. Hello all! I'll keep this short and sweet -

    Tomorrow is the Extra Life game day! This is my fourth year participating and I am so excited! I'll be playing video games for a solid 24 hours to raise donations for the Children's Hospital of Denver, Colorado. I'd seriously appreciate anything you can give! If you can only give 5$, then perfect! Everything helps! 

    https://www.extra-life.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=318285

  7. Who else thinks that today's "music" is stupid? raise your hand!

    Yes, the "music" that we have today is, actually to some, considered not music, because all it actually is, is mashed up sounds to create a tune.                                                                                         When was the last time you heard a new song from 2016, 2017, 2018 on the radio which actually used a proper instrument like guitar or so?

    I'm talking about songs like "the middle" by Zedd that blew up on radio stations this summer or Ocean by Martin Garrix... I don't hear any actual Instruments! Okay, sometimes you hear piano or drums that are also mushed up to sound kind of more electrical. I hate it!😫

    With Green Day, you have something for everyone and the best thing is that they still use actual instruments! It is a way for everyone to hear what proper instruments sound like. Sure they have maybe the one mashed tone, but the song isn't made out of it, you can still hear and recognize the instruments. They do it in way that sounds cool, people can relate to their songs, the songs have powerful messages that are different from the cheesy songs you hear today. Green Day has something for everyone, some of the newer generation might not hear it and understand it yet, but here on the Green Day Community, where true GD fans are, all understand what Green Day's music is.

    Green Day might swear a lot in their songs, it's still real music unlike today's.

    Why everyone should appreciate Green Day.

    They are actually real people not plastic image people like today, do mostly or always live singing not playback! Use real instruments on stage not a DJ playing in the background.

    Green Day might seem a bit weird to some people, but those people can go piss off.  Green Day have their moments of being crazy, but would ya just take a goddamn look at Justin Bieber!

    We all should appreciate GD for still being original, and so we do!

    Now all the musicians who haven't made it big out there, basically the people who play for friends and family, the private ones, you know what I mean? Anyway, they also mostly use instruments, which is good!

    but all the big famous ones always, always, always use this mashed up shit to create a song. Green Day doesn't.

    Yes, we all love Green Day here. 

    Which of the modern artists' music do you hate the most? 

    I hate Justin Bieber all the way to hell, I hate him so damn much I can't even explain how much I hate him! 

    Thank god Billie isn't Justin Bieber😀

    By the way, I also hate Eminem. 

    Sorry if you like one of those two artists, it's just my personal opinion.                                                                         

  8. If you’d told 12 year-old me these photos were mine, I wouldn’t have believed you. This was one of my photography dreams come true. Enjoy!

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    Kevin was kind enough to take a photo with me after the show, even though they were all in a rush. 10/10 guys. My hoodie from Discount Valley even featured.

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    Bonus fangirl moment:

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    If you'd like to repost my photos, please just ask! I can send you some without watermarks (and I'd much rather do that than see them badly cropped!). I don’t bite, I promise.

  9. BOO! Did I scare you? Probably not. Anyway, welcome back to Nico Talks About Creepypastas, where this guy behind the screen called Nico talks about internet stories called "creepypastas". Yay!

    Last week, I told you about the classic Lost Episode pasta "Suicidemouse.AVI", and today we'll talk about another classic Lost Episode pasta. This one's based on the Simpsons and it's called "Dead Bart".

    Short description:
    Lost episode in Simpsons season 1, Bart dies, some future predicting, the end.

    Long description:
    Looooost eeeeepiiiiisooooode--- ok, I'll stop.

    As you may know, Matt Groening is the creator of the Simpsons. During production of the first Simpsons season, he started behaving weirdly. So, he created the episode with the production number 7G06, which is the production number of a real episode in Season 1 called "Moaning Lisa".
    The author of the Pasta (let's just call him Nico because why not) got the opportunity to meet Matt at a fan meetup. When he was asked about this Lost Episode, he turned pale, was close to tears. Matt wrote something on a piece of paper, gave it to Nico and told him to never bring this episode up again. An unknown URL was written on that piece of paper. When he typed it in, he got to a website that looks like this...

    20151118225007

    Nico clicked on the download link, and a download started. (No shit) And lo and behold, it was a virus from HELL. System Restore didn't work, Windows had to be reinstalled. However, before that happened, he copied the file onto a CD. It was the episode. It consisted of three acts, so here's descriptions of all three acts:

    Act I - The Plane Death
    First of all, we have an angry Homer, a depressed Marge, an anorexic Lisa and a hateful Bart. They want to do a plane trip. Great idea. As the plane takes off, about 50 feet in the air, Bart accidentally destroys a window and gets sucked out, resulting in his death. At the beginning of the series, Matt said that he wanted the animation style to be very realistic at times, and that was used for Bart's dead body. (Warning: the picture contains graphic content)

    Spoiler

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    Act II - Cry Me a River
    I chose that title for a reason. Homer, Marge and Lisa are sitting at the table crying. Throughout the ENTIRE SECOND ACT.

    Act III - "One Year Later..."
    ...is what it says at the beginning of Act III. The Simpson family is still sitting at the table, as skinny as skeletons. No sign of Maggie or the pets. Later, they walk through an empty Springfield into the cemetery to find Bart's dead body laying in the same exact position as at the end of Act I. (basically like the graphic picture) They start crying again, and Homer tells a joke, but it's unknown what exactly he says because the audio is really bad. At the very end, the camera zooms out to show the other gravestones in the cemetery. They're all gravestones of celebrities that have had guest appearances in the Simpsons. Some of them were unknown back when the episode was made. Some of them didn't have their guest appearances yet. Their death dates were ALL correct. That's not all though.

    There's also death dates for those who haven't died yet. All these death dates are listed as the SAME DATE.

    ---

    That's it for today's Creepypasta! Just like Suicidemouse, there's fan-made videos that try to replicate this episode. There weren't any videos that were very good, but here is, in my opinion, the most accurate representation, made by The Lavender Town Project (yes, the bad quality is supposed to be like that):

     

    Link to the CP: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Dead_Bart

  10. Liam
    Latest Entry

    Okay so it's been a while since I updated this!

    Basically we ran into a bit of trouble during the painting process. First off, the weather is shit for a few weeks so the guy painting it couldn't really do it without it turning to shit. When he finally was able to paint it, he started relicing it and went a bit overboard so he had to restrip the guitar and start again.

    After getting it painted the second time, it was getting close to Christmas so he was shutting down for a few weeks. I had the option of him doing a rush job, or waiting till after Christmas when he was actually moving to my city and we could work on it together. It's currently in the processed of being reliced and looking fucking amazing.

    I figured it had been a while since I updated here so I wanted to give a little tease of the paint job. So here it is!

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    Up next - Part Three: Relicing

  11. I made some art based on some songs by The Network. Sketches+1.pngSketches+5.pngSketches+4.png

  12. Sup

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    Recent Entries

    Brooklyn Baby
    Latest Entry

    Hi!!

    I have a request!

    I'm going through all my photos and trying to make sense of the insane amount of pictures I have, with the goal of making some photo albums. I realized I lost all of the pictures I had of me + the gang (aka the circle-jerk crew) from the time we all met up in Cleveland a few years back. I think I might have deleted what I had in a fit of rage or something, idk. Anyway, if anyone has any of those pics, would you mind sending them to me? My Green Day phase was such a fun time in my life and I'd really like to have the pictures for my photo project!

    I can't remember anyone's username on here anymore so if someone who's savvier than me could tag Alissa, Steve, Hannah, Eva, Carling, and WHOEVER ELSE WAS THERE and might have pics, I'd appreciate it! Thanks so much guys xoxoxo

  13. BetterThanAir
    Latest Entry

    This year has been a rocky one for me, hence my absence here on GDC. I still miss you all and lurk when I can. I figured I'd give you all an update if you're interested.

    • Ricki passed away on April 14th, and I've cried every single day since then. For those of you who don't know, Ricki was my cat who was almost twenty-two years old. He was my best friend and got me through so much in my life. To live through his legacy, I've created a non-profit to raise funds for senior pets in need of medications or medical procedures in my area. It'd mean a lot to me if you could like his Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Ricki.and.Friends/
    • I finally graduated University. A photo is in the Photo Thread. :) 
    • I am currently working four jobs. I'm very tired.
    • I have recently signed up for pole fitness to build my confidence and get my old body back. I hope it goes well. 
    • My stomach disease has really taken over my life. I was not approved for surgery, so I am taking tons of medications for that, as well as my other medical issues. My medications have made me bloat bigger than I have ever been in five years. My self confidence has been shot down, and I have resulted in self-harm as of recently. It isn't something I am proud of, but I am seeking help for this.
    • I applied for my Master's degree in New York to be closer to Tom. :)
    • I am also completing my licensing exam to be a social worker in New York to be closer to Tom. <3 I miss him very much every day. 

    Uhhh other that that I'm not sure what else to say!

  14. Makingyourmascarableed
    Latest Entry

    Okay so I was one of the lucky few to have gotten tickets to The Longshot. Twice. 

    The first ticket was actually bought by my partner and I gave him my information because I needed just one ticket for myself.

    The second ticket happened Tuesday afternoon on the line as I was waiting to get in.

    Let's recap with Tuesday 5/22:

    • Get up at 6:00 AM and I’m at the venue at 7:30 AM
    • There’s six people in front of me which was surprising but this is also the fact it was raining on and off today (and the fact it’s not technically Green Day despite Billie being the front man and Jeff being there too)
    • People behind me start showing up sporadically between 11 AM and onward. There wasn’t 20 people around until about 3 PM? Maybe even later?
    • Load in happens with the crew
    • Throughout load in, we get a notification that they released 30 tickets for that night and Wednesday shows. I get a Wednesday ticket. 
    • Black car pulls up about a hour after. Billie is the first to come out. An unintelligible yell comes out my mouth but also everyone on line is screaming too. 
      • Side note: Actually very good looking human being and the fluff is real.
    • Soundcheck happens and then Jeff comes out but walks down the block and away from us. 
    • Billie comes out and a few people in front of me are calmly and quietly asking for photos (and people slowly begin to notice). So I made myself seen by Billie and I said something of the fact “I’ve been here since 7:30 AM may I please have a photo?” And we did make eye contact and mini acknowledge that I was to be next. Then this woman who was a few people away shoves me and goes underneath the sanction rope and then everyone starts swarming and pushing him more to his car. And then he says he’s sorry he can’t take any more photos because he has to get laundry. 
      • Going to be bitter for a while about it. 
      • ANYWAYS
    • Get inside and I’m front row and made myself go in between Billie and Jeff because center was out of the question and so was the far side. 
    • Opener was The Trashbags and they were…decent. I couldn’t hear much because I became a certified adult and brought earplugs because I knew I would wind up next to a speaker. The lead singer kept weaving in and out of the crowd during every song. Which was cool because not a lot do that and he got the party going.
    • Longshot gets set up and my heart begins pounding because it hit me I am arms length away from Billie Joe fucking Armstrong. 
    • They were incredible live. A lot of bouncing. My side of the stage wasn’t rowdy and we had a bit of elbow room in the front row too. There were a few people in the front who weren’t jumping around. And there was this older woman who had her arm out blocking a small area where someone could stand and also her other arm holding on to her kids and her feet were literally on the amp. I was like “…this is not the right show for you, lady.” 
    • He skipped over Happiness and we called him out on it.
    • After a few songs, my arm was covering Billie’s set list and he bent down to look and I had to move my arm away and then he looks right into my eyes and sticks his tongue out at me. So I did it right back and then he laughed and then I freaked. 
    • Got a pick at the end of the show when there was one on stage and this other kid behind me lunged for it too but my hand was quicker. 
    • I did leave when it ended because exhausted and also because I was there for almost 17 hours with a mini nap now and then. Also it was a literal sauna in the room.

    Recap of Wednesday 5/23:

    • Made it a point to not be there as early because tiredness and also that I had an interview at 1 PM and I didn’t want to leave stuff there and come back and then see it leave.
    • Get to the venue at around 2:30 and we have about 20 people in front of me. Tuesday it was pouring rain and a bit colder. And Wednesday it was bright and sunny and warm.
    • Met up with Anna from the Green Day group we had on here ages ago and on Twitter. 
    • Made friends with a few people on line too
    • The band doesn’t do soundcheck which was…odd. Or didn’t show up to the venue at all until after we got in. 
    • I get second row and get between Jeff and Billie again but people were taking up a lot more space so the amp was my friend.
    • Crowd was a lot more rowdy. A lot of pushing and shoving and jumping on all sides. Thought I was going to merge with the amp. 
    • Caught Jeff’s attention a few times
    • WILD ONE LIVE akjdsfhkldsjhgljkhdsjkahgdjklas
      • I will say Dos was my least favorite album of the Trilogy with Tre being my favorite. But Wild One is one of the songs I genuinely loved on it. 
      • The dork that is Billie had someone in the front hold the lyrics on a piece of paper.
    • We wait around and head outside and it takes about a hour and Jeff comes by. He does a few autographs and I managed a selfie with him. I thanked him for the show and hope he has a great remainder of the tour. He says it was great having you on his side of the stage because I was active and responsive. 
    • About a half hour later, I see Adrienne Armstrong and oh my god.
      • There are people I do get starstruck for. I did not realize she would be one of them
      • Her hair was pulled up in a high pony tail. She had minimal makeup on with black eyeliner/mascara and a red lip and she looked fucking STUNNING. Just such a beautiful woman that made me go “…oh my god.” Not only that but she has this aura about her that is welcoming and also you know she’s someone and want to be around her. 
      • I wish I could have told her she looked amazing and to thank her for putting up with the fans and that she deserves all good things
    • And then Billie comes out a moment after her
      • Now I will say a selfie with Billie is always goals and the dream. But the literal dream DREAM is for him to write down on a piece of paper “Better Thank Your Lucky Stars” from Waiting and it would be my next tattoo. 
    • Sadly…either didn’t happen. 
    • I didn’t want to scream and rush him but everyone did even though he said something among the lines of “selfies take too long and I will sign”
    • I asked about the lyric but he was getting rushed away by other fans and also his bodyguards saying he has to go. And I didn’t want to follow him down the block but fuck I wanted to do so because it’s a so close and yet so fucking far away. 

    I am not going to the Brooklyn show unless I do get a ticket and even then, I did say I would pick up a shift at work and money is needed to me because of other things. I know my friend Caitlyn will be going so I may ask her if she can somehow get the lyric for me. 

    Despite those so close moments, it was two of the best nights ever and two of the best shows I’ve been to. 

  15. Z J
    Latest Entry

    Inauguration Day

     

     

    Wailing winds carry forth the sound

    Of Empires past burning down;

    They’re buried deep beneath the ground,

    Sharing tombs with skeletons dispersed

    Throughout our history, but in this mall

    Stories of buried

    Empires before us fall

    On deaf ears.

     

    Silent, I wait in the park

    On Inauguration Day.

    Gray skies are falling;

    Weeping for a fool’s parade.

     

    The crowd bow their heads;

    Red hats wear white anger,

    Worshiping false-prophet’s rancor,

    Controls relented to Wall Street bankers.

     

    In the trees, I hear their whispers,

    And in their seeds, a disparate mixture.

    Hold for pity and for grace,

    Hold for all in broken faith.

    Wave to soldiers beyond the gates,

    Ask them if they know that they’re dying.

     

    Fanatics kneel as the whistle-blows,

    Echoing the strangest prose.

    See Spring rise from the streets below,

    See the early sun, the yellow rose,

    Toppling the golden towers,

     

    Gather here at midnight hour

    To usher in the turning flowers,

    The wiser half will turn and run.

    Why has no one told them that they’re dying?
     

  16. Writings and shit

    it's four am and i just realized that i have a blog where i could post literally fucking anything and not care so here it goes i guess; don't mind the ramble like nature of this i'm just kind of exhausted.

    there's something that's been bothering me for a long while and i didn't have anyone i felt really comfortable talking about it to; because it's just, i don't know, weird? unnatural? too unspecified? i don't even know.

    my sexuality was never something i really struggled with. the first person i liked was a girl, and throughout my childhood i was so separated from everything that i never really realized how homophobic the world was. even so, i was, interestingly enough, kind of homophobic for a while. not towards myself, but the type that's just kind of weirded out by it and says it's unnatural. i moved past it, all fine and dandy, whatever.

    gender was something i never really thought about, because i didn't know anything on the topic, you know? no one ever spoke about it, no one ever made me think about it, not in terms of gender identity. somewhere from the internet i learned about the fact that there are people who trans, and i was like ok, and still didn't think about it. since then i've learned a great deal more but again, i never gave it much thought in regards to myself.

    but recently i have. a lot. and here's the thing.

    fuck it's even hard to write. i don't know what the thing is. just that there's something, i think. i'm just perpetually confused, because there's things i'm now realizing i've always thought and done that i've just assumed were normal but now i'm thinking maybe they're not. and i'm not trans, i don't feel like a male.

    most of the time.

    and some times i don't feel like a female or a male and i'm just a fucking lump of nothing and i don't understand anything and it's so fucking stupid. i have no problems with female pronouns, or male pronouns or anything, but that probably stems from the fact that my mother tongue is a language with non gendered pronouns so to me, it's kind of all the same. i have no issues with my body being female, but sometimes, some fucking times, i just want it to be a dick instead. or both.

    and it's not really a big deal, because i guess all of this is one of two things. it's either me just being fluid on the gender spectrum or just me being weird. either way, not too big a deal. but what's been bothering the fuck out of me is that i have no one to talk to about it. because i want to, who knows, maybe it'll help me figure out what the fuck i'm feeling.

    i have five people that i would feel comfortable talking to about something this personal in detail, and with this i can't for any of them.

    christina has been a safe haven of no judgment and comfort for a lot of topics, and i would have gone to her with this too except that i know she doesn't really believe the whole gender being a spectrum thing, as a lot of people don't. and i'm scared of becoming another person that she will support but not truly believe.

    ana would believe me, probably, but she would kind of cling on to it. she would bring it up more than i would want her to, she would make it bigger than it is. she would make me feel alien because she's trying so hard to make me feel normal. she's a fantastic sister, but i've come to learn that she can't give me what i need in terms of things that really bother me.

    kaylyn i might've told if we saw each other more often. since i moved we haven't seen so much of each other and i don't want to unload this kind of shit on her when it's the first time i'm seeing her in months. if given the right time and opportunity i might, because i know she wouldn't make a big deal out of it, and she wouldn't not really take it seriously.

    asma and shidi are kind of a similar case, but also not. they're my fucking soulmates and i love them both so goddamn much but i don't know how much they know about gender stuff, and there's also the fact that i haven't seen them in like three and a half years. we talk all the time, sure, but that's different. i'm going home for like 6 weeks during the summer so maybe then i'll talk to them but i just don't know.

    i'm exhausted. i feel like i'm lying to people, or lying to myself. i feel like i can't tell people because they won't understand or try to or even care or believe and i don't blame them because i don't understand it, i sometimes feel like i'm making it all up. like it's something the internet put in my head, something i'm forcing on myself to be different. but i don't want it. i don't want to feel like i don't know what i am, like there's something wrong with me. i'm just

    tired.

  17. Hello, GDC.

    For those keeping up with the never ending saga that is my dad's health and my current family situation here is the latest...

    He had finished treatments for throat cancer back in October. Yesterday, we went to have some scans done on my dad's lungs for a spot that noticed back in January.  The nurse practitioner came in and went over the scans with us and told us probably 10-15 times that everything looked good and that she wasn't seeing anything worth worrying about. We were elated and relieved.

    10 minutes later, she comes back in the room and tells us that she was completely wrong and that there is in fact something developing on my dad's left lung. I never wanted to yell and attack someone more than that fucking nurse. Who the fuck does that? That shit only happens in terrible movies.

    So, now we have to schedule another PET scan and have a biopsy done on his lung to see if it's cancer.

    Yesterday was awful. Hearing my dad say, "I'm going to die. I just want to see my grand kids grow up," was probably the worst moment of my life. His attitude and outlook did improve once we met with the actual radiation doctor and he's ready to fight cancer again for the 3rd time.

    Fuck. Positive thoughts, vibes and prayers are welcomed.

  18. If you've paid attention to me recently, you'll know I went to Oakland in February. I wrote a thing about it here: https://wander.media/from-scotland-to-oakland-with-rage-and-love

    Please go read! (or at least click on the link and leave it open for a while)

    I really enjoyed my time there, and I'm so grateful to have had this opportunity, although there's still so many places I'd love to visit. I missed out on a Cover Ups show by about a week, which is frustrating, but at least I got to see Mt. Eddy. I might write something else about the trip here when I have time. 

  19. Good Luck With That

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    Would love if you guys would take some time to check out my soon to be released to the public EP Good Luck with That and help me choose the song to lead off on promoting the album this Monday. Please help, I'm more indecisive than you could ever know.

     

  20. Daddy.
    Latest Entry

    *The title of the sermon today is inspired by the song by the aptly titled Chumbawumba. 

    Chapter/Verse/Hymn 3 - Head above the water.

    Hello there. If you haven't read the last two entries in my randomly updated blog thing I suggest you do for context~.

    As always, disclaimer that if I offer any opinions that they are my opinions and if I ramble I ramble.

    ~

    I think I'm winning, y'know? 

    I'm being battered a lot by my brain but I'm very rarely staying down for 10 at the minute. Sure, I have lapses of fuck the world, and fuck myself but doesn't everyone? If anything it's good old procrastination that's holding me back a little.

    I'll start with the positives, most I've kept to myself to now. I've always been private really, always a help people out but never reveal my troubles if prompted.

    I was 20 stone 1lb at the start of the year, and am now nearly 18 stone. Through dieting and (kinda when not procrastinating) exercising I can see the physical progress I have made, as shown by the lack of double chin and I can kinda see my hips. :lol:

    I have not relapsed back into gambling at all this year, as someone who did this daily this is a massive step up for me. It does help that I blocked everything from myself to stop including through my bank and PayPal, using programs that are password locked that block the sites. I kinda realize that, whilst not working currently I'm sure I will get this when I do start a full time job again, I'm not running out of money as much, so I can afford to go to London and see fellow members. 

    I have amazing support thanks to fellow members on here, and hey if you're reading this and we don't talk, drop a message. I'm always up for talking to new people. I'm always happy to offer help and advice for problems.

    So yeah, let's keep fighting. Together if we can.

    Liam.

     

  21. Hello! My sister has started an online fundraiser to purchase supplies for her band students because her school doesn't have the money to pay for them.

    I wanted to share it with you all in case you'd like to donate to support the cause — anything helps! If you use the promo code "liftoff" during checkout today, your donation wll be matched by the fundraising website.

    https://www.donorschoose.org/project/making-a-stand-for-band/3030567/?challengeid=20848860&givingCartId=7019185

    I don't think many people realize how many teachers in the U.S. use their own money to purchase supplies, especially for elective classes like music and art that are seen as "non-essential" compared to the others. On average, they spend about $600/year on their own supplies, and it's worse in schools with lower-income students like the one where she teaches, according to the most recent survey from nonprofit adoptaclassroom.org.

  22. undefined

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  23. Starving The Voice

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    I don't know if The Voice is something that we are all born with, which only flourishes under the right circumstances. However, I know it has been active since I was old enough to form an opinion of myself.  I  remember thinking I was ugly and unlikeable at the very beginning of primary school. Throughout my childhood and my teenage years, The Voice grew stronger and more powerful, fuelled by the harsh words of my fastidious, traditional parents and bullies. At first, I believed The Voice was my friend. It pushed me to excel academically and to be an obedient daughter. It apparently protected me, the socially awkward kid, from any harm by reminding me I was just no good at making real friends. Yet, The Voice never rewarded, but only punished. No amount of A* grades, first class degrees and graduate job offers could convince The Voice to tell me I was worthy. They were all just a fluke. And if they weren't a fluke, The Voice would take all the credit.

    The Voice became steadily more and more intelligent. It adapted to changes in my environment, and found ways to thrive. When I left home for university, I also left the bullies and my oppressive parents. Very quickly, I became more outgoing and sociable. By reminding me constantly of the shy, overweight teenager I once was, The Voice pushed me to make friends and to be a good friend, all under the guise of so called high self confidence, high self esteem and good social skills. It picked apart my appearance, alluding to the callous remarks of the year ten boys, who told me I was so ugly that I would never find love. I lost weight and started wearing make up. I got more attention and met my (now ex) boyfriend. The Voice congratulated itself.

    I fell absolutely, hopelessly and deeply in love. For a year or so, I was so happy. The Voice lay dormant for the majority of the time, making only very occasional, flimsy remarks. But it was far from dead. It was just weak from a lack of negative events to fuel its purpose. Then it had its greatest chance yet. My boyfriend was white and non-Muslim, two features I knew my parents would not tolerate in any partner of mine. Thus, I kept my relationship secret for a year, uncertain of how to convince them that he made me happy. I felt guilty for keeping him a secret and even worse for lying to the two people who brought me into this world, but I knew telling them wouldn’t be easy. The Voice awoke from its slumber, more aggressive than ever.

    “You selfish, undeserving bitch. You’re a fucking coward.”

    And so, after a year of dating, at the beginning of my third out of four years of university, I came clean to my parents. As expected, they were furious, and not because I’d kept it a secret. The exact chain of events is long and difficult to explain exactly, but in short, over the course of the next year, they did everything they could to punish me. They emotionally manipulated me, withdrew what financial support they could and kicked me out of the family home where I grew up and would have spent my summers and Christmases in between university terms. They stopped speaking to me entirely. The Voice turned on me.

    “This is what you fucking deserve, you cretin. This is all your fault.”

    It seemed as soon as I told my parents, my relationship with my boyfriend began to falter. At first, I thought it was due the newfound long distance between us, as I had started a yearlong degree related internship, and he a PhD in different cities. He grew callous and disinterested, rarely coming to visit or allowing me to visit him, and constantly making snide comments about my intelligence, appearance and family. Through my tears and heartbreak, The Voice matured drastically.

    “Oh stop crying, you weak bitch. It’s just a joke. You expect too much from the world, you spoilt fucking cow.”

    I finished my internship and returned to my university city for the final year of my course, to live with four of the best friends anyone could hope for. Throughout the last four years, these people have supported me emotionally and practically, and I would not be anywhere without them.

    “You don’t fucking deserve them. Why don’t they just let you rot on the fucking roadside?”

    Their love and support helped me to see how unhappy my relationship was. No matter how much I told him he was being unfair or hurtful, he would not change/ After two and half years together, just before Christmas last year, I left my boyfriend. It was an agonising decision. I had made the effort to tell my parents about my life choices, at least partially for him. Now it felt as I was throwing it all away.

    “You weak, flaky c***. You think you can do better? Bullshit. Don’t fucking cry. You broke your own fucking heart.”

    But heart broken I was. Shortly after the break up, my housemates popped out for some groceries, leaving me alone for all of half an hour. I remembered I couldn’t even call my mother for support. The dreaded feeling of endless loneliness and a distinct lack of purpose started to arise. The walls felt like they were caving in. I started panting, then sobbing, as the feeling of abandonment began to overwhelm my senses. I collapsed on the floor, beating the ground with my fists and getting more and more frustrated when it didn’t give way. My housemate found me in this state. I still remember how immediately soothing her embrace and gentle instruction to “let it all out” felt.

    Barely a month later and now in 2017, I half-jokingly joined a popular dating app, and met a rather arrogant but attractive man who chased me relentlessly. He held utterly appalling views with regards to women and non-white people.

    “You’re never going to get any better, hun. Who the fuck do you think you are?”

    Unsurprisingly, he disappeared more or less as soon as he got to sleep with me. He told me I was too aggressive and not feminine enough for him to want to consider a relationship with me. The fact my parents didn’t speak to me also made him think I was crazy.”

    “Too fucking right. You need to know your place, you arrogant, entitled bitch.”

    The new year did bring some good news. I graduated with a first and got an elusive graduate job near London with one of the world’s biggest pharmaceutical companies.

    “You. Are. A. Fraud.”

    With some encouragement from my friends and also The Voice telling me I was a cold hearted c*** if I didn’t, I invited my parents to graduation, making it clear that, while I was single, I would happily date outside my race again. My dad turned up and a month later I went home for the first time in almost two years. I thought it meant peace.

    That summer, I moved down south in preparation for new job, which started in September. I also met a friend of a friend, a genuine and lovely man, at a festival in Scotland. We spent three days together. Although it would have meant very long distance, I was determined to see him again. He took a long time to answer my texts, and eventually stopped contacting me altogether.

    “Why the fuck would a true gent like that want YOU? Disgusting trollop.”

    As I started my first permanent graduate position, and started to experience the stresses of modern working life, The Voice employed a brand new tactic to keep me down: fantasy. It was like opium for my sense of reality. I was on the way to achieving my concept of perfection: an idyllic middle class family life, everlasting love, financial stability, and a fulfilling career. It was all I thought about – this journey to obtaining self worth through specific achievements. And my would be festival lover could be the leading man. We would not be apart if it were not for circumstance.

    I clung onto this ideal for dear life for months following my trip, using it occasionally to distract me from the constant fear of being found out as an incapable, useless fraud at my new job. Then I fell out with my parents again. They told me they still couldn’t accept me or my life choices, that my successes were mediocre and unimpressive and that I would end up alone and a failure. As I walked away from my childhood home once more, I was utterly heart broken. But I was also angry. The Voice took a softer approach this time.

    “You *could* prove them wrong. You just need to achieve perfection. I’ll let you off. But nothing less.”

    I lived and breathed this fantasy future. It was so much more attractive than the present, seemingly so much more in my control than the bleak past. I started to adjust at work. The Voice wasn’t going to reward my progress.

    “Everyone here can see how lazy you are. Stay late, you pig.”

    One day, I kept telling myself, we will meet again and fall in love. The Voice didn’t correct me at moments like these. I was allowed to lie to myself, so long as I was aware there was a gold standard I had to aspire to, that I had to desperately want in order to achieve my worth.

    This false sense of contentment, which led me to believe the counselling therapy I was now receiving was working all too quickly, inevitably shattered yesterday. Social media can be a poisonous thing. Our would be lover had found another. Upon investigation, it would appear he probably met her shortly after our weekend together.

    “Fucking knew it. You would fucking repulse a nice guy like him, and he was mad enough to give you a chance in the first place! Oh, don’t get upset, you pathetic, selfish bitch. Be happy for people that are better than you.”

    The ideal is over. I am faced with my reality. Single and alone in an expensive dreary commuter town, in a demanding graduate job, still many years away from the elusive senior positions and without the support of my family. I am forced to come to terms with the mediocrity and imperfections of my lonely, unimpressive and hateable existence. The Voice doesn’t care how far I have come. It only cares how far I have to go. It tells me everything will be just fine when I complete a list of actions, only to reprimand me when I complete the job, but don’t do any better.

    But today was the first time in a long time that I accepted the present as being the best dimension for me to focus my attention on. It is the only time I truly have control over and can only be as happy as I am willing to make it. It was the first time in a long time I have ever made the effort to forget the mistakes and pain and the regrets of the past. It was the first time I tried to succeed in the present and for the benefit of tomorrow, without living entirely in the future. That is how I want my life to be.

    To continue doing this, I need to kill The Voice. It won’t die with a single shot or a stab. It has to be starved slowly of the negative thoughts that arise from unfortunate situations. It will be a long, hard road. But I have spent somewhere between 15 and 20 years torturing myself by allowing it grow to the monster it is today. I can’t take it anymore. I know how bad it could get if I let it consume me.

    “I don’t want your sympathy

    I don’t want your honesty

    I just want to get some peace of mind”

    My friends and their families have supported and loved me through all of this, but their genuine kindness will not pull me through this alone, as grateful as I am. Silencing and killing these lifelong demons myself now is important.

    “I don’t want to hear it anymore”

    I’ve had enough, and I am ready to change.

     

  24. Spoiler

    If you told me I'd be loved one day
    I'd laugh, turn around, and walk away
    This feels nothing like reality
    But still not my fantasy
    How did I deserve to get here
    With you my problems
    Seem to disappear
    I was at my worst, now at my best
    My mind won't give you a rest

    Everything feels so right
    We can rule the world tonight
    You're everything that
    I could ever need
    I'll never leave

    I know you more than anyone else
    I care more about you than about myself
    When I was lost in my own despair
    You were the one who cared
    They all said the same thing every time
    But still I couldn't make up my mind
    Now I’ve made my choice and now I know
    I’m never letting go

    Everything feels so right
    We can rule the world tonight
    You're everything that
    I could ever need
    I'll never leave

    I have had no regrets
    Not one since I said yes
    I found my answer at last
    This is one wild ride
    The best of my life
    Can this go on until the end of time

    Everything feels so right
    We can rule the world tonight
    You're everything that
    I could ever need
    I'll never leave [x2]

     

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