I sit on my knees and I grasp at the flesh of my palms. My nails sink into the soft mold of skin and meat, no pain. I am swelling, filling up with warm, pounding blood, plump as the ripest plum, ready to burst and paint the intricate fur of the rug underneath with the juice in my veins. At the same time, my pudgy body is sinking, melting into a puddle of human goo, indistinguishable. My nails are growing at an alarming rate, weaving through my palms and into my arms and beyond, building their own root system throughout me. I wonder if they will eventually come back out and repeat until I am so wrapped up in myself that I just lose. The fur underneath tickles my legs and rubs against the coarse hair that grows there. Could I be made into a rug? All my hair, taken along when I am skinned, and carefully cleaned and processed and softened and colored and preened. Someone else sits on the rug that is me.
I am soft. Oh so soft on the outside; I cannot be touched without being ruined, but on the inside grows diamonds. My diamond heart reaching up for my diamond brain but never reaching. Magma flowing through my hollow veins and coating it all. Growing thinner in skin and thicker inside. What am I? Dead? Alive? A human? A rug? The sitter? The seat? Plum? Diamond?
I am me, and me means nothing because it is all the words you attach to it. I have too many words attached to me, I don’t know which ones are real anymore. Who am I? Everything I ever wanted? All I never wanted?
I am null, because I am both. Invalid.
Today the Atlanta Journal-Constitution newspaper published a story on me in their “Weight Loss Success Stories” section. An unscaled photo of my neck/chest area highlights the top of the story, so that obviously makes me proud. LOL. I was hoping they would include my quote about how big a role music has played in my weight loss journey, followed by my undignified plea for (free) Music Midtown concert festival tickets. I obviously can’t afford to buy them! All of my disposable income is tied up in Halo Top ice cream and Sandwich Brothers egg white turkey sausage breakfast thingies!
Here’s a link to the article. Try to not get yourself too worked up over my clavicle.
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New lyrics. Enjoy.
I entertain the thought of you
won't you listen to me?
I never knew just who I was
until I wished I could see
I tie you up and you lie me down
in this cosmic debris
I want to hear your call
won't you sing to me?
Oh, I know just what I need
you're a siren, make me bleed
I'll share my treasure and the peak
of the night and sinner's entropy
If the Devil's real,
he'll be answering to me
The shadow of the snow
melts under my feet
The call of the wild is
I wanna hear your call
won't you sing to me?
Now, I have figured out my path
A statue of the aftermath
Locked in the public, I have the key
This is only between you and me
Reject the holy prison
restore red velvet supervision
I wanna hear your call
won't you set me free?
Hey, everyone. Just wanted to provide those of you who were reaching out to me and my family an update on my dad's health.
We learned today that he does in fact have cancer again even after being labeled "cured". Where the cancer is in we don't know yet until a PET scan is done sometime here soon (date TBA).
The hope is that this cancer is just at his one lymph node and they can remove it surgically. The surgery will be done at the Cleveland Clinic where both my sister and brother-in-law work, so we're feeling confident about the surgery being done there.
Family mood is decent. We're staying hopeful and positive. What we're banking on is that the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else, the surgery will be a success and then he can start recovering.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts, prayers, concerns, etc. It means and a lot and has helped me personally feel better. My dad says he wants a joint right now Told him he needs to come see Green Day again in August and we can take care of that
-Rage and Love-
Perhaps this is a dorky request, but I figure since we're all music enthusiasts here, why not?
The composer of the first three Tomb Raider games is hosting a Kickstarter project to revamp the soundtrack with a full orchestra, to be recorded at Abbey Road studios in London. I wrote up a summary regarding the project over on the Tomb Raider Deviantart page I admin if anyone's interested in more details: http://tombraiders.deviantart.com/journal/The-Tomb-Raider-Suite-News-686956563
Here's the direct Kickstarter link: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1636910846/the-tomb-raider-suite/description
We're almost there! If anyone would like to back the project, there's some epic goodies up for grabs when you participate including signed posters, shirts and more!
New lyrics. Enjoy.
Once more feathers fall
as you wake again, another bore
Time and time again
moving nowhere and attempting to change score
Will someone hold you now?
Will you make it somehow?
We are holy
We are unholy
We are unholy in our flaws
And I'm nervous
And I'm anxious
And I'm anxious for the end
But how bad can it be?
How clearly can you see?
This time, more than before
Settle the tides
Control your life
See how your ego hides
Will your life end in a lie?
Will you die to live or live to die?
I an holy
I am anxious
I am content in my flaws
It's too tempting to hide behind a screen
when we all live
in a run-down submarine
Regurgitating the past,
with songs and ideas that rule
I appreciate you but
I won't be taken for a fool
With our open world
Earthly contraptions break us down
But we need them and feed them
and rectify the stolen crown
Will you meet me there?
Will you treat me fair?
I am gracious
I am ruleless
I am faintness
We are greatness
We are absorbent to all harm
We are greatness
We are stateless
We are earthly contraptions in full form
Five years ago, my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 throat cancer after never smoking a single cigarette in his life. The cancer was treatable and he came out on top of it after a few months of chemo and radiation.
Ever since then he's regularly been checked for cancer and everything's been clean for years. They labeled him cured.
Well, after having a sore neck for about a month or so, my dad went to have a biopsy done today and the initial diagnosis is cancer. Fuck. Why? What the fuck? Where did this come from? I guess we find out more Friday, but today's been really tough.
Oh, today's my mom and dad's 37th wedding anniversary, so fuck you universe, God, whatever.
Please keep my dad in your thoughts and prayers. Let's hope the news Friday gives us a clearer game plan as we go forward beating the shit out of cancer again.
The title track for my little fictional album. Enjoy.
One day you're humming to the sound
from an evil violin
then the next you're suppressing
all the demons from within
Candy from Berretta's
with barrels locked and loaded
intimate with the bodies, all
full and young and bloated
Remedy my magnificent
Pour the angel from its womb
and into its demise
Looking inward toward my
Collision in the open wound
ruminating as it dies
Throwing stones in the beaker that
forms a single file line
Exterior voices morph my presence
and convince me that I'm fine
It's a drugstore nation and
an alien teardrop
When the rope calls your name
everybody does the flop
Mental monster nesting in the corner
an ill-advised disguise
Waiting for the clock to strike
and the savior not to rise
Drying in the sun as it comes and
rapes the fertile land
Crying for the silent releases
from my own hand
Dreams of alcohol in a car crash
high-end brands to decay
Green men running to diamond summoning
Caskets brought to lay
Into its demise, ruminating as it dies
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So I don't post songs on here much, obviously. I write a lot more than what I actually post on here. Right now since the last one i posted I've had about 5 songs written at least somewhat. I also had songs done long before that. I'm planning on releasing maybe 3 of these songs, but definitely 2 of them. The others I either don't like, can't finish the lyrics, or can't finish the music. I'll put the lyrics to the songs I probably won't record here and give the background for each
The first one I got an idea for back in May where I came up with a guitar intro. I came up with a chorus but never had any ideas for it until June when my two best friends ditched me and I ended up miserable because of it (Tired is basically the angrier version of this one). The lyrics can be found here: https://pastebin.com/cHh5B1Bu
The second song I wrote back in November. Back in October my friend informed me that they liked me. Our main friend group and some others were shipping us, but I didn't really know if I wanna do it. It gets to November and a ridiculously awkward conversation about this happened and I still didn't know if I wanted to go through with it. I guess with how this song is going it was more of a no. Well I didn't end up releasing this one because 1, I honestly don't like it that much anymore (as you can see I was struggling at that second verse). The 2nd reason? Well three days after I started this song, I ended up saying yes. So it ended up losing its relevance anyway. Lyrics for this one are here: https://pastebin.com/ahEhmJRV
Finally, this song was written in March when school was out for 4 days due to a blizzard. Before I explain what actually happened, one thing to know about me is I am not always good at dealing with serious situations. Especially if I don't understand what it's like. The best example of a situation like this would be a sick/dying relative. This situation is actually the one that comes into play for this song. Over these 4 days the person from the previous song brought up this situation. I didn't handle it remotely well, I basically ended up going into hiding after receiving the texts. The second night it came up again in a group chat and yes, I hid again. I ended up with a series of texts at like 3 AM saying I don't give a shit about their problems blah blah (For the record I do care I am just bad at showing it). I still hate myself for all of this, and this song was written saying how I'm still not that great of a person even though I've gotten better. I was planning on releasing this and actually started recording it, but I got busy and now that this song has sat around for 2 months I'm starting to notice the lyrics aren't as good as they were when I first wrote the song (I was probably just excited I was finally getting an idea for a full song). The lyrics for this one can be found here: https://pastebin.com/ci4aqGL8
That's everything for now. I want to record my three songs soon, but I might have to wait until the summer when I have more time to do it.
New lyrics. Enjoy.
It's in the emptiness
of the words I'm told
It lies in the wretchedness
that comes in the cold
The hate that dissolves
The mercury that evolves
Your venom, it remains
like the fire in my veins
I trusted you before
but now you're gutted and abhorred
Oh, the things that I adored
and the thorns that I absorbed
Sometimes you must cut through the stem
to be free once again
That time we danced under the sun
of the knives you've planted
there's no more chances to run
your reprieve is never granted
The misery you've drawn
and happiness long gone
When we drift between reality
and the garden of death
The seeds in my mind
you use to control my breath
When will you whither away?
When will you just die?
When will your parasitic ways end?
The fruit is your lie
Oh my Dahlia
Does it feel familiar?
Oh my Dahlia
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Disquietude Before the Storm
Regret of the spilled words washes over in waves; choking; suffocating. The thoughts I can never retract from my pen and the unease dipping into my soul. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the halcyon to crash and descend into nothingness.
New lyrics. Enjoy.
The Magic Of The Automaton
Here I come
Once was lost
Set me free
I tell myself
Put one up
on the shelf
With every light
that guides my hand
Grind me down
and brittle air
I beg to you
but you don't care
way back then
I could feel
It can't be stopped
with simple force
The damage is done
taken its course
in the confusion
The power of
You can run
but you can't hide
You can't kill
what's deep inside
It's a murder
if I say it so
It's a murmur
now watch it grow
How will you win?
The demon is vapor
Will it take you?
Your will is paper
See it through
hold it down
This is my first blog entry here, so if you've found yourself reading this then hey! I hope you enjoy the chaos of thought this will no doubt evolve into over time
Oh yeah, there will be spoilers for the show if you're reading this btw, if you haven't already finished it.
So last week I started seeing a lot of controversy on my facebook about 13 Reasons Why. I was seeing people praise it for its brutality, but I was seeing far more people complaining that it was too much/too triggering/disrespectful to mental illness and rape victims. So I had to watch it for a number of reasons. For a start I couldn't imagine it possibly being as brutal as people were making out. Secondly, it was touching on issues like bullying, suicide and rape. I know a lot about bullying, but not much about the other two, so I figured it was kind of important to watch.
The first few episodes didn't really grab me much to be honest. I'm only saying this because I can't fully articulate my thoughts, but they felt kind of High School Musical to me. I obviously knew it was going to go to dark places, and the episodes did have dark undertones, but what I saw from those episodes seemed like a huge cliche, the whole idea of jocks and nerds etc. I don't like the setting of an American High School for some reason, and I thought some of the characters seemed like generic archetypes that would never exist. But I guess that was the genius of the show, you never know what goes on in someone else's life.
As it went on it got harder to watch. I saw the life slowly drain from Hannah over the course of the flashbacks, and I saw Clay unravel in the present through his guilt and anxiety, all while everyone else on the tapes seemed more concerned with their own reputations than the fact they collectively drove a girl to suicide. The basketball scene where Clay hallucinates Hannah's corpse in the middle of the hall stands out to me. I ended up growing to really like Hannah as a character, even though the idea of the tapes was cold and fucked up.
The last few episodes really broke me though. Watching the scene of Bryce raping Jessica was uncomfortable, and I was finally understanding that the show was as brutal as everyone had said, and was only going to get worse. Jeff's death was sad too, he was a sweet guy and didn't deserve his fate, and I felt for Clay in the flashbacks having lost who seemed to be his closest friend. Everybody deserves a Jeff. Then Clay's tape really upset me. The fact that Hannah included him in the tapes, but revealed that she didn't blame him for anything, instead telling him that he was just such a good guy that she didn't deserve because she would've fucked him up. Including him in the tapes to me means that she wanted to explain to Clay why she killed herself, maybe in the hopes of her not wanting him to blame himself. She didn't even do that for her family, and it was really poignant I guess. And Clay's reaction was heart wrenching. Following that, Tony's support for him was touching. We all deserve a Tony too. And the rape in the next episode was painful to watch. The life drains from Hannah's face as it happens. Katherine Langford did a great job as Hannah.
The finale broke me. There had been two rapes and a number of heart ripping emotional scenes, how could it get worse? It showed Hannah actually killing herself. It pulls no punches, we see her slit her wrists and bleed to death in the bath. And if that wasn't bad enough, we see her parents find her body. Nothing happens off screen. I won't lie, that was the moment I finally cried like I'd wanted to since episode 11. And then I cried some more an hour later when I'd gone to bed. Some people can maybe write the suicide scene off as fiction, but it's not. It's reality for so many people every day. When life overwhelms them, they die alone in a bathtub and in agony after cutting their wrists only to be found by a family member or friend who had no idea anything was wrong. It was so raw it really got to me thinking about the people who die like that. And I don't even know anyone who has, I can't imagine what it must be like for people who have known someone who killed themselves. It was sad letting the character of Hannah go too, like I said earlier I'd grown to like her as a character a lot. I should also say I've never been so emotionally invested in a TV show before because I finished it last night but I still feel really fucking sad and gloomy. So please recommend a more cheerful show on netflix to get my mind off this if you can.
I think I'm glad I watched it though, it fucked me up but I can't praise 13 Reasons Why enough.
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Lone here with your late stats post for the month of March. The end of March/beginning of April marks the end of the first leg of the North American tour but they will be back at the end of summer! For you new folks who went to a show, go on over and say hi in the show threads. We had an increase of total visitors (+31%), total posts (+2%), and total reputation given (+1%). We'd like to welcome @Paola17 to the top five active members of the month, joined by four others who made an appearance the last month. That's it for now. Toodle-loo!
Nearly every day starts the same for me. I wake up late, grab a coffee while getting ready for work, then I spend a few minutes reviewing stats and metrics from across a dozen different websites. On days off like today, the only change is that I haven't showered yet. After getting my coffee and powdered donut (my biggest weakness) I went about trying to find something entertaining to watch while I tweet from my cell phone about other bands I've heard about. Then I finally decided to get of my ass and then immediately plop in front of the desk and start really promoting things. Running an ad on Facebook/Instagram, that takes a lot of work. Then I have to go see what is trending on twitter, might be able to use those. Of course I have 2 of 6 songs left to record for the album, so a quick review of those and any fresh ideas that might come from em are a must! Right now I'm working on the new intro for Opposition, I think it will be massive! It is of course a 7+ minute long song, the second one on this EP. Just can't help myself.
After losing a straight hour between submissions, media contacts, streaming, uploading, downloading, cross referencing, and just general PR shit, I think I'll take a break with some more coffee and keep watching the 13 Reasons Why show. MAybe.
On a side note, I quit nicotine on Friday morning so now I'm noticing how much more ADD I really am! It's fucking insane!
I'm just going to hammer out some quick things here as I'm dozing off anyways. I've been making music for a few years now, even longer if you consider my time in a band prior to my personal works. Over the years a lot has changed for me, both personally and musically, that now and again really leaves me wondering about just about everything. The concept of selling out vs staying who you are. The opinions of the bottom vs the top. Just a lot of... noise really. Doing this has been my passion, drive, and sole desire for a long ass time, yet it's still something I don't discuss publicly. It's too naive a dream or pursuit to most, who quickly return your admission with a sarcastic sneer and "Oh, you're in a band?". It's a real pain to happen to oneself, but when I see others do it? Ah, it's just a train wreck of emotions.