So this is a blog! Pretty cool, I guess.
I'm not sure what I'll put on here, probably just whatever comes to mind. If there's anything you'd like to see, then you can message me and I'll see.
New here, so anyone who wants to reach out and chat, go ahead please!
It's five thirty AM and I haven't slept. I've been thinking about too many things recently, I feel like all I've done for the past month is think. It's so loud, this weirdly boisterous silence in my head.
Mom, all I want is to come see you again. Maybe I'll feel like less of a failure, as a person, as a daughter, if I can visit you without having a fucking panic attack. Because that's what happened isn't it? I managed to talk to your grave for a grand total of maybe two minutes, like you could hear me, before I couldn't breathe. And it had been so long since I'd cried like that, so fucking long. Two years. Since that day I came home from school to the shitty apartment that you took your last breath in and just screamed at your pictures for hours because I knew dad would come back late from work that day. Two and a half years. And I've only come to your grave once, because it was my 18th birthday and I couldn't not come.
The corner of my memory
A brown piano settled on one side
In the corner of my childhood house
A brown piano settled on one side
I remember that moment
Way taller than my height
The brown piano that guided me
Even though I was gone for a long time
You accepted me
Without you there’s nothing
After the dawn, two of us
We welcomed the morning together
Don’t let go of my hand forever, I won’t let go of you again either
I watched a live performance of First Love during my all nighter, and for some reason it made me extremely emotional. There's just something to the passion of the song, the way the instruments rise and fall. I don't know. Give it a listen, it's... unique.
Hello everyone! My name is Nico (you don't say?) and welcome to the sixth entry of Nico Talks About Stuff, where I... talk about stuff. Mostly about gaming. Creative, right?
So, today's topic is how the media treats gamers. By now, it's no secret anymore that the media thinks that gamers like me are retarded kids with lack of reality. And of course we're the ugliest people alive. But sometimes I wonder: Well, who are the ones with a lack of reality here?
The best TV show with the best fake news (in Germany at least) is called RTL Explosiv. I once saw a report about getting scammed on the internet. It kinda went like this: "Jenny from Dallas was also a victim of scam on the so-called Internet". The 'so-called "Internet"'...?! What fucking world do you inhabit?! Did extraterrestrials make the Internet or what...? By the way, have you heard of this so-called "Google"? I heard it tastes yummy!
I'm waiting for now, and in three years there will probably be a guide on how to get started with the Internet... "And now, you move the mouse. Don't be scared, it's not a real mouse!"
At least you get to see things in the "Internet", not just dull humor, like: "Patrick died by crashing into a kitchen roll. His friends are deeply shaken." "Ha Ha You're Dead."
Of course, I don't mean all media, just some outlets. I have a message to these outlets: You say gaming makes us angry, right? Okay, sometimes that's correct, but I think you might have to look in the mirror and see what truly makes us aggressive.
But now, I'm asking you guys out there on the "Internet". What's your opinion on this topic? Leave it in the comments below. That concludes this entry of Nico Talks About Stuff. See you next Sunday!
This one goes out to the Florida man,
The crazy motherfucker on the news
He rode a parasail into a hurricane
He gave an alligator weed and booze
That gator is still out on a bender
He bought some gas station mystery drugs
The Florida man used a homemade flamethrower
Inside his house to kill some bugs
I think there is a Florida man sleeping in my brain.
And I relate to that fucked up gator's pain.
When the Florida man is loose
He flies like a goose
Straight through the propeller of a jet
The gator doesn't curse
The fact he'll one day be a purse
And a pair of boots, no value in regret
I am the gator; my teeth are cheap souvenirs.
Take one from my skull and trade it for a case of beer.
The start of a new collection of lyrics. Enjoy.
once told me how to live
The stone strives
for learning to forgive
only pulls so far
and the essence
grabs the remnants of the star
The heart pulsates
until it hatches
And we're free
then come the relapses
the beam supports you
The darkness ahead,
hidden temporarily from view
Illuminate the path
The plastic coils
your charismatic magnitude
Orphan at last
understand that you don't
The columns are shaking
and we all reside within
The solar flare in you
shows that you won't give in
The trenches within
we are in
Green Day – Nimrod: Feature.
In 1997, Californian band Green Dayreleased their most underrated but diverse record in the form of Nimrod, an album bubbling with hooks and dark edged lyricism. The band had to prove they were still relevant after the disappointing Insomniac, a record which did have its hits, but never hit those meteoric heights. Dookie did so in 1994. That opus brought Green Day into the limelight, a light so vibrant and crucial.
Dookie was a statement of intent, a colossal compendium breaking boundaries, a piece of punk layered with snotty nosed mellow drama. It truly rooted Green Day into the big time, overthrowing their past records. But, as they grew, tensions did too, and the band was banished from Gilman Street, a punk club where many acts nurtured their souls and tweaked their sounds.
As Green Day prospered, many people became distant, fans who loved the band walked away. This is when Green Day became a goliath act, securing places at biggest festivals. But, as they put their pen to paper, their punk laurels were fading. Not to say that the band was forgetting their roots, they just had to grow, they had to burst and breakaway.
Green Day was a major label band when they signed to Reprise in 1994. Some people think the band shot to fame with their seminal record American Idiot all those years later. So the act was making millions well before Jesus Of Suburbia was constructed, they were flying the punk flag through the flurry of scepticism.
And Nimrod pushed Green Day into the light even more so with a ballad that shook the world. That melodic heart-puller is Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life). It’s a song many play at their wedding day, it’s a song which resonates and showcases lead singer/guitarist Billie Joe Armstrong’s impressive writing talent.
Good Riddance sent Green Day onto the airwaves, although it angered the punks and estranged. They were blasting the band for their decision to put a ballad on one of their albums. They thought the act was selling out, nipping at the arms of greed, shooting for the pot of gold. But, Green Day didn’t surrender and moved on up regardless.
Nimrod may contain one of Green Day’s most poignant scores, but the record as a whole is punk infused. Nice Guys Finish Last is a blistering, guitar driven masterclass. Redundant mops up the fragments of punk’s inner core, and cools it down as Armstrong sings with ease and great tone. Reject is a fast-paced pile-driver, it’s in your face. So many of these songs return to the punk days. And that shows us Green Day aren’t leaving their signature sound to rot, they never have cascaded into bubble-gum pop territory, they have tweaked it, adding more complexity. This complexity is heard on American Idiot. A record which saved the pioneers from truly derailing. It’s an album many hate, but many people love the diversity it showcases.
American Idiot may be Green Day’s most popular and audacious LP. But there’s flashes of this magic on Nimrod. The true intensity it creates, the darkness it exudes is believable. It may not be Green Day’s magnum opus, but what it is, is something which strikes punk into veins of those seeking a thrill.
Hey guys, and welcome back to "Nico Talks About Stuff"! Now, hold onto your seats, this might be a bit crazy, but... my name's Nico. Today's topic is Nintendo!
Here's something most people don't know: Nintendo is older than you might've thought. The company was founded in 1889.
And if anyone says something like "What? Nintendo made video games 100 years ago?", please spell IQ for me.
Well, Nintendo sold playing cards back then. But who would've thought that Nintendo would ever make video games...?
Now, the question is: What got Nintendo famous?
We from Nintendo got famous thanks to a plumber who turns bigger by doing drugs.
Alright, how about you, Sega?
We from Sega got famous thanks to a hedgehog who turns faster by doing drugs.
It's quite interesting how everything only gets famous through drugs... and people say Nintendo is a role model... yup. 'Course.
But Mario is not the only character that made Nintendo famous. How many Pokémon generations are there?
Have you ever realized that the names of Pokémon get weirder and weirder? Same for their look? Seriously, how can you even think of a name like Cobalion? I'm pretty sure that there will be a Pokémon in Gen 12 called Mokquas, and it will have a human form with spaghetti arms and the face will be a mix of the Me Gusta and Impossibru memes.
Not everyone likes Nintendo. The people who play stuff like Call of Duty or Halo play on PlayStation or Xbox. And I have to admit that the graphics are not the best, but the gameplay is there and it's extremely fun to play games like Super Smash Bros. or Mario Kart!
That concludes this post of "Nico Talks About Stuff"! Leave a comment with your opinion on Nintendo, if you want. See you next Sunday!
Hello there. (As ever, apologies if my rant goes left, right, up and down and I don't claim to be a expert in anything. I'm also going out first draft-no proofreading wither. )
I really don't know what I'm going to post here, but I want it to be good. I want it to mean something.
So, I'm going into therapy next month, and that kinda scares me. Scares me because I'm going to be properly ripping my brain out and spewing its content out for the first time.
I'm not officially diagnosed with anything - possibly stress, but no-one official has ever told me I have anxiety or depression. That's always been me diagnosing myself.
It's been like that for a long time - and for a long time I thought I was OK. I was always distracted by school, education, being a kid, going through puberty, but now when I have to - want to bear the responsibility and become a adult, I feel paralyzed and lost.
Sometimes in the mind-field of mental health, there are doors that you can kick open and get a victory - example being when I confessed how I feel to family, I was bought forward to a doctor - hence the therapist. To anyone reading this, who thinks their family might just shun them or just rattle your problems away, someone out there will understand you and will help you. Just imagine if your child/best friend/sibling/parents came to you and said "I need help" - let them feel your pain and how you need someone to look after you.
Then you have your normal mental health cliches that I go through * - the happy days being sledgehammered by the bad days, just being completely sad for no reason, stupid things that upset you, social anxiety. I'm sure people can relate.
And for a long time, and pretty much will always try to do, I like to help people. I'm on 7Cups a lot as a helper (If you didn't know 7Cups is a anonymous site where you can choose to listen to people's problem or the flip-side vent out to a person) and I will help people here, at home or strangers if I could.
But I can't just keep ignoring me or the voices in my head. There is one thing, one side of me that's always been there. And there is the first time I'm going to bare it out there, so I can practice saying it virtually before I open my mouth and form words.
(I want to ONCE AGAIN paraphrase that I'm not a expert in anything)
I am a addict. Or (kinda) was - but I have little to no faith that I'm gonna stay there. I have relapsed in the month.
I gamble a lot - funny that how I don't drink because I don't like the idea of being drunk or sex because y'know it's ME we're talking about here.
It normally ran on the basis that I would get a paycheck and blow it all in a few days - if not hours. I would somehow survive each month by some miracle or refund or some small winnings - believe me the losses outweigh the winnings. And it's always the same way - like those cartoons - bad you on one arm, good you on one arm, Jekyll/Hyde. The monster would take over my brain and gamble a lot of money, it would end normally badly, the good side would surface and the anger/tears/breaking down will commence. Rinse, repeat until the point I made above, broke down a door, told family, doctor, therapist. The urge to relapse is there though.
So yeah, I'm posting this here first before I do anything - because since 2010 through different members, different venues, different sleep-overs, houses, parties, meet-ups, seeing the band, meeting the band, meeting the people behind the band. From the chat-room in the old days to Green Day around the world to my CAH buddies that I have now (You guys don't know how much you all cheer me up sometimes) I feel some sort of family connection to this place. Even if 55% (even that's a bit high I feel) have never talked or won't interact.
(This bit I'm imagining like the end of the movie with some generic music and narration.)
So I'm not okay, I'm not o-fucki... sorry.
I'm not okay, I probably won't be for a while. I hope to keep this as my progress. I hope I can get back on dating websites soon, or the gym again. It's not gonna be easy, I'm gonna have shit days and might even regret this but I'm going to try and hopefully keep the few of you who read this informed.
Rage and love.
* - When I typed that, The Climb by Miley Cyrus came on shuffle - deal with it, it's a good song.
I thought now would be a good time to tell ya'll about the wonderful time my favorite best friend from Sweden, @I don't care, and I had exactly two months ago when she visited me in Germany.
Everything started about 10 months ago, when we met in the GDC chatroom (that small one on the bottom right corner of your window that <1% of you use) and realized that we were soulmates who just happened to roast ourselves into each other's hearts on an online forum of our favorite band. Our friendship blossomed as quickly as you can say "Billie Hoe and I don't care for Best Board Buddies" and soon enough we fantasized about how we would meet for the first time. Once we came kinda close with the Pinkpop festival both of us wanted to attend (meet my soulmate and go to a Green Day concert together at the same time? Uhh, goals?), but when that didn't work out we made due by skyping for hours on end day after day.
Then her parents (God bless them) finally made it happen and booked tickets for the second week of August (when my own parents conveniently left the country so we had my place pretty much to ourselves). After a few weeks of "okay cool" and not fully grasping the reality that we were actually going to meet, I was on the edge of freaking out when I went to pick her (and her parents) up from the airport. I spent an hour or so pacing around nervously in the arrival hall at the terminal, right at the gate where she was supposed to come out with her luggage. Thanks to @Jenn. and @Shahd (aka. Nicest!) who kept me company on WhatsApp, I didn't completely lose my mind. It was just a mess - Agnes and I kept messaging each other about their progress (she sent me picture and video updates of how her plane landed and on her way into the terminal, etc.), yelling at each other via texts about how excited we were.
I kept peeking through the gate to the hall where they picked up their luggage, but I didn't see her despite her very colorful hair. Then she sent me a picture of a gate that looked a lot like the one I was waiting at, where she was supposed to come out, saying "IS THIS WHERE YOU ARE?" and I went "YES!" and she said "OKAY, I'M RUNNING ONCE I GET MY SUITCASE". I waited peeking through the gate to catch this girl running, but I never did. Instead I saw her mother whom I recognized from her Facebook picture (yes, I befriended her mother on Facebook because of reasons) and her dad calmly strolling through the gate. But where the fuck was Agnes? Turns out she ran out of the wrong fucking gate. Her mother told me where she would be and pointed her out like 30 meters away from us (??? I'm terrible at estimating), carrying her guitar case on her back and looking down on her phone. I started jogging towards her but tried to be as quiet and inconspicuous about it as possible, praying that she wouldn't look up from her phone and see me, and then I tackled her and THUS OUR FIRST EVER HUG CAME TO BE. We hugged so tightly like I haven't hugged anyone ever, and she petted my "red head" (which I had re-dyed JUST FOR HER) because she promised to do so on WhatsApp weeks before.
1) our first ever selfie together with awesome band shirts, made a few moments after our first hug / my tackle
It's still a bit weird (good weird) when I think about it, because I remembered adding her on Instagram and seeing how she looked like, her Snapchat videos and pictures she sent me (like, definitely not a Catfish, I learned from Nev and Max), but then all of a sudden she was standing right before me and I was holding her and we were taking pictures together. I have never met any online friend I've made since I'm on the internet in real life, with some of whom I've been friends for years. I guess it's never really been real-real because the internet is a different, more anonymous place, but now it's definitely real. On the internet you can portray yourself how you want people to see you, you only send them the pictures where you like yourself, but you have no control over that when you actually meet someone for real. They see you from all the bad angles, they see how you look when you eat or sleep. I guess I was a bit anxious to meet her because, fuck, what if she doesn't like who I *actually* am? What if we have to spend a week together and then not click, despite having had conversations that lasted several hours on the phone? What if it's gonna be awkward and we won't have anything to talk about? Is she gonna be sick of me when she's around me for 24 hours straight? I have also told her more about me than I have ever told anyone I know (not even my other best friend whom I've known since kindergarten), and I trust her, and suddenly she's ... there, right in front of me and I can hug her for real, as I've wanted to do so many times.
Well, I'm happy to say that my anxieties were unjustified. At least I think so, she definitely seemed like she liked me and we're still talking, so that's that. And I can confirm that she is indeed fucking awesome. It's impossible to feel awkward around her because she's such an outgoing and open and talkative and simply un-awkward person, she even managed to engage my brother who never talks to my friends in a conversation.
After I met with her and her parents at the airport, they took us into the center of Frankfurt in their rental (while blasting Rammstein, hell yah, now I know where she gets her greatness from) and we spent the day sightseeing in the city, shopping (more like entering way too expensive stores, trying on things, and leaving), Starbucks, sitting by the river in the sun and just openly talking about everything.
2) by the Main river
3) happy times at Starbucks (not sponsored)
After overlooking Frankfurt (or Mainhattan as some locals are calling it) from the top of a skyscraper (it's called Main Tower if you're ever interested in visiting Frankfurt) we met up again with her parents at a restaurant, and on the way there a kind of funny thing happened that is really telling about cultural differences. We were about to cross a four lane street (which are usually busy since we were in the middle of the banking area where lots of people work, but when we were there not so much), and she just crossed it without waiting for the little man to turn green, leaving me and about ten other people on both sides waiting at the red traffic light and laughing at me from the other side. I'm told that apparently waiting at a red traffic light when there's no traffic is a "typically German" thing to do, but she, a Swede who just doesn't give a fuck, just crosses it.
Another funny thing I noticed is that people you meet in the streets or shops are much nicer to you and more open when you're a "tourist" who speaks English. I accidentally talked to people in English instead of German all the time since I was so used to talking to Agnes in English, and suddenly the clerks were so helpful. So I guess my advice would be, if you can speak English, don't bother trying broken German you might have learned before your trip if you want something. I've lived here for so many years and after spending one day with her I learn so many new things about my own country.
Then we drove back to her hotel which coincidentally was in a small town next to mine and only one bus stop from mine away, and spent an hour in their ridiculously luxurious hotel room before I had to take the bus home. She whipped out her guitar and started playing it on the bed not very quietly, and while that was VERY NICE!!!, I kept thinking "oh my god, this is too loud, it's in the middle of the night, what if the other guests wake up, but oh my god, I don't want to be rude and tell her to quiet it down, and also it sounds so beautiful and I don't want her to stop." Another difference between us: in Sweden she lives in this huge house where she can be as loud as she wants, but I grew in an apartment with five old neighbors who would complain about any loud noise. It was refreshing actually, and she showed me (who has no musical talent whatsoever) a chord, which is pretty sick. She then took me to the bus stop, which was 5 minutes away from the hotel and almost got hit by a car on her way back. THIS IS WHY WE WAIT AT TRAFFIC LIGHTS IN GERMANY! OUR DRIVERS ARE CRAZY!
On the second day her parents dropped her off at my place and I showed her my humble housing before we left for another city in the area which wasn't originally the plan, but that day was the only day I could have picked up my "If There Was Ever A Time" flexi disc from the stupid customs office before it would be shipped back to the US or I would be fined, so essentially we wasted a couple of hours picking that stupid piece of shit up. It's a good song but I've wasted way too much time and money on this thing. However, she made it worthwhile and time spent with her is never time wasted, also this really cool picture happened when we were chilling at the train station waiting for our belated train back home (welcome to Germany my friends. Welcome to Germany.).
4) Let me introduce to you, Punk Rock Chewbacca!!!
We stopped by a grocery store to get supplies for the jello shots we were looking forward to so much, because I am a very responsible adult who wanted to help her 17 year old friend get drunk, who can't get alcohol in her own country. I don't think her parents would approve of me that much if they knew I also offered to buy cigarettes in case she wanted to try it out. Hell, I know how it is as a minor who wants to try something and has to use other people to help her. Other than that though I can assure you that I am a very caring (if not overbearing) mom-friend who looks out for her friends and usually stops them from doing stupid shit. Don't be fooled by her sweet face, she's not that innocent. She has smoked before and even offered to smuggle weed for us to try out in her bra (because nobody would check there anyway, and because she's a cute, white Swedish girl they wouldn't suspect her) but we realized that probably wasn't a very good idea. I didn't want her to end up in a detention cell at the airport for the duration of her trip or anything.
Then we ordered some pizza and sat down on the balcony. You all know that there are two types of people: people who love pineapple on pizza and people who want to kill people who bring a pineapple near their pizza. I am the first and she is the second. Both of us got Margarita pizzas, but I added pineapple for MY pizza. When they delivered them, it turned out that both of them had pineapple on it. So she kept peeling the pineapple pieces off of hers with the most painful expression that I've ever seen and threw them on mine. She ate as slowly as she could and suddenly just stopped in movement with wide eyes staring into nothing and went completely silent. I asked her "are you okay?" and when she started tearing up I started freaking out, and on top of everything she still wasn't talking to me. I thought she was dying for fuck's sake, but no, that goddamn drama queen just swallowed a piece of pineapple.
Then we did the jello shots (recipe: jello powder with 1/2 water and 1/2 pure vodka) but realized, damn, all we have is shot glasses, not cups, and it would be pretty hard for us to get that jelly out of a tiny glass. So Agnes suggested "Hey, let's just put them in ice trays!" and because I'm equally stupid I said "Good idea!", and because we wanted them done extra fast, we put them in the freezer instead of the refrigerator, and then had to scoop out that icy and bitter crap out of the ice trays like barbarians. I painted Princess Victoria of Sweden on her back with water colors for the Gishwhes scavenger hunt while we were waiting and then watched some Netflix and chilled, she played Life is Strange on my computer while I played Sims on hers. It was really nice to just ... chill out at home for one evening and being lazy after all that running around and despite the fact that we didn't have much time together. You'd think we would have to make "the most of it" by constantly doing shit, but not doing that made it so much better because we were doing exactly what we would be doing if we could see each other every day.
On the next day she woke me up with her acoustic guitar and we had breakfast on the balcony. This was the day when I showed her my town, and as soon as we left the house, she stopped EVERY. SINGLE. person we saw to ask them if she could pet their dogs. It was really adorable, and most of them let her do it which was a bit surprising because not all of them understood English and some of them declined because their dogs were really shy or aggressive, but that didn't stop her to try again next time. Agnes loves dogs more than you. She did the same thing in Frankfurt on our first day too, and one time when she asked a woman who obviously didn't understand her well if she could pet her dog, she said "No, thank you" and continued on, possibly thinking we wanted to scam her or something.
5) Agnes on her quest to pet every single doggo she sees, even the artificial ones
6) she's a tree-hugging hippie
Later we took the bus to the town where I grew up and went to school in before we moved away a couple of years ago, to meet with my other best friend Rebecca, who just like Agnes is really into metal music, who can play the piano and the guitar, and also understands Swedish. If I didn't know better, I'd say I have a type. Agnes was so nervous to meet her and really wanted to make a good impression on her, so she ate an entire bowl of alcoholic jelly that was left from the previous day before we left and got herself tipsy. While she was shoveling the jelly in, we were talking to the lovely @Jenn. on the phone who enchanted us with her lovely Irish accent (Accept yer faet, Jenn)
After fleeing from a roughly 200 year old US army veteran who uses his extremely bad eyesight as an excuse to come uncomfortably close to you to, as he would say in his thick American accent, "see the ladies better", we met with Rebecca, and not-surprisingly they got along really really well - we spent the evening sitting on a bench in the dark and Agnes played Rebecca's guitar and sang a beautiful Swedish song with her beautiful voice. I recorded it and I desperately wanna show you all, but it got lost somewhere on my phone, but I assure you, it's magical
Sadly that was also the last evening we spent together, because they already departed on the next day We got to spend a few final hours in Frankfurt together and had lunch but then we drove to the airport together and hugged for the last time. It was pretty sad because we wouldn't see each other again for a while, but I am hell bent on visiting her in New York when she moves there and see and hug her again💖 I'm so incredibly happy and grateful that we got this chance, not only to the universe and her parents, but to Green Day and this forum without whom this never would have happened. 💖
I was sitting in Burger King when I realised my flight to Kraków was two hours earlier than I thought. Maybe it was the journey: I’d spent 24 hours getting back to uni from Italy, handed in an assignment, then got straight back on the bus for 12 hours. Whatever my excuse was, I ended up sprinting through Stansted Airport with a backpack far too big for running.
I skidded to a stop at the gate – the furthest gate possible, because Ryanair – as it was closing. My mum Joy was far behind, unable to run and I begged them to wait another minute for her. The lady at the gate said I was lucky and advised me to go through, so I did. After crashing down the plane to my seat with a lot of confused people staring at me, I got into an argument about my backpack (it was far too big, I admit) and checked my phone to find my mum had been sent to returning passengers. The flight took off before I could get another response.
This was not good. The next flight wasn’t until the following morning, she wasn’t well enough to stay in the airport all night and she had all our Polish money. It felt like the longest flight ever until I could text her again and find out that she’d had no choice but to go to an airport hotel and pay for a new flight. I drew out my bank balance in zlotys and went to the hotel in Kraków alone.
The Tauron Arena, the day before the show
While I waited the next morning, I trudged through snow to the arena to check there was no one camping. The show wasn’t until the next day – we’d come a day early for a day trip we could no longer afford – so fortunately, the arena was completely deserted. I was momentarily tempted to sit there already, but I had no idea where the line was supposed to start, so I just headed back to the hotel to meet my mum.
We decided we’d go into Kraków to at least see something, so we got on a tram we thought was headed to the centre. After an hour of watching the landscape become more and more barren, we figured we were going the wrong way.
Lost in Kraków
Going the right way… eventually
Night had fallen by the time we made it to the centre. We were just in time to meet up with Eleonora from Milan at the Green Day bar. It was warm and cosy in there after that freezing cold outside, and I was very glad I was not pointlessly sitting outside the Tauron Arena. Our luck, though – Tré Cool came in about 10 minutes after we left.
I mean, it was called Green Day!
We couldn’t afford our day trip, but at least we made it into the centre
Armed with thermals, heat packs and foot warmers, we arrived at 6am to a line of about 15 people. One fan was from Finland, another from Ukraine and others from all over Poland. A girl from Warsaw told us how the ticket and travel costs were an entire month’s wages to her, but that it was her first chance to see Green Day and she knew it would be worth it. Fran joined us soon and we later went to the nearby supermarket to buy our tour staple, dry bread and also Pizzerina.
I hope Green Day Bread is proud of us
This week in The Things We Eat For Green Day: Pizzerina, which cost about 20p
The line, before noon
The line was gradually becoming hostile. Soon after we arrived people began pushing and by the afternoon, many were too scared to sit down or to leave for a few minutes, in case they couldn’t get back in. A few hours before doors opened, it was almost impossible to move and some people were stumbling from the pushing. ‘Aggressive sardines’ is an accurate description.
It was predictable chaos when the staff opened the gates to let us closer to the entrance. People were screaming while others used the opportunity to push further forward. When we were finally lined up outside the huge door that led to the pit, the girl from Warsaw was in tears because she’d been there so long only to lose her spot. I don’t know what happened to her or if she even made it to the barrier but I hope she somehow did.
Traditional barrier selfie: Poland
Me, Fran and Eleonora made it there in front of Mike, but my mum had been sent to a cloakroom for no reason and in the time it took her to argue her way out, a man had forced his way in next to us. I remember thinking this was one of my most ridiculous experiences yet – which I suppose it was – but I don’t want to give Poland a bad rep because trust me, England and the US can be just as bad.
The Interrupters were still as energetic and entertaining as they had been in Italy. Rather than growing tired of them, as I got to know their songs and speeches I enjoyed their sets even more. I’d soon forgotten the pushing, the cold, the ridiculous venue. The arena, one of the biggest in Europe, was far from sold out but when Green Day ran on stage, the crowd made it sound like it was. The band played like it was. In Bang Bang, Billie filmed the crowd holding up ‘Bang’ signs, though security had snatched many away.
We even made it in to the video. I get irrationally excited when I see myself in crowd shots, OK?
Every time I see Green Day, there’s a different song that resonates with me most. It was obviously Scattered that night. I remember locking eyes with Billie and for a moment we were singing at each other, sharing whatever it was that resonated with us about those words and he pointed at me before he turned away. Maybe that’s another reason fans will go to these lengths to see them live. They aren’t inaccessible, emotionless rock stars. Even when you’re miles out in a seat, their energy fills the room. They are sharing their souls with everyone in those crowds when they perform. Awestruck kids leave knowing their heroes are human just like them. Billie’s ‘freaks, weirdos and strangers’ leave knowing they are understood and not alone. Whether it’s the travelling fans who’ve seen them twenty times before, the kid from Kraków who’s been waiting their entire life for that moment, or the parents who tag along out of duty to find they love the band – our experiences are all so different yet at the shows we are all the same.
It always gets me too when I see Billie holding the country’s flag, both because I know then I’m really having that experience, and also because I know what it means to so many people there. It was a predictably rough crowd, but once I’m in I don’t care, because it reminds me that I’m alive. Dziękuję Poland for another night I won’t ever forget.
Our Polskibus to Prague was at 7am the next day. My mum set an alarm, but I guess her phone died in the night. When I woke up and checked my phone I was confused for a moment before shouting ‘IT’S 9AM! OUR POLSKIBUS LEFT TWO HOURS AGO!’
I heard from Fran that the bus before was five hours delayed and left at 5am instead of midnight. We could have legged it to the bus station in the hope ours would be the same, but I didn’t want to risk spending the money in case it wasn’t. The next one, leaving at midday, would barely get us to Prague in time and if it was delayed even an hour, we’d miss Green Day. Trains were expensive and with all the transfers they entailed, I didn’t trust them. A taxi transfer was 300€, which was cheaper than flying, but we just didn’t have it. I’d heard that Uber was meant to be cheaper, but I didn’t even really know what it was. When I found out it was an app, I frantically deleted music and photos on my phone to make room for it. It gave me an estimate of 600zł-800zł, about £130-£170. We had that. It was obviously more than we’d usually spend considering the Polskibus was £11, but it was insanely cheap for what it was (I just checked Uber’s calculator and I guess they got wise to people stupid enough to call an Uber for that, because it told me almost double). So I did it: I called an Uber to take me from Kraków to Prague.
He arrived within a few minutes, a polite and well-spoken young man called Michał, and asked with a smile where we wanted to go. My mum glanced at me and took a deep breath.
‘Well, we need to get to Prague.’
He apologised for his English – which was perfect, I’m sure he just thought we couldn’t possibly be that stupid – and asked her to repeat it. Now he understood, stared at us blankly for a moment and laughed.
My mum tried to explain what had happened and he listened patiently as it sunk in that we were seriously asking him this.
‘Wait. How far is it? 500 kilometres? How much will it cost? Maybe we can do it.’
All three of us struggled to get an Internet connection out there, but I told him what the Uber app had estimated and he said that would be fine. He just had to go to his dad’s house to get money for petrol. He reckoned we could get there by 5pm and we told him it didn’t matter as long as we were in time for Green Day.
Seriously considering my life choices as I waited for our Uber driver to get his petrol money
So, here we were: heading out in an Uber to Prague. It turned out Michał had lived and worked less than ten miles from us in England and his mum still lived there. This was his second day working for Uber after moving back. Yes, you read that right, it was his second day working for Uber and two English girls had asked him to take them 539km/335 miles to Prague. He was extremely professional and nice about the whole thing, though.
My mum having a cigarette at a gas station somewhere in the Czech Republic
Oh, don’t wanna think about my bank account tomorrow
Snowy wilderness. Lots of snowy wilderness to make me consider my life choices. Again.
The road signs are starting to tell us how many miles to Praha!
What would you wish if you saw a shooting star? Probably that I’ll get to Prague in time for Green Day
The Interrupters were finishing as we arrived. As much as I’d loved all their sets, I was not going to complain that we’d missed them. Thanks to Michał, the best and most patient Uber driver ever, we’d made it in time for Green Day.
This was the furthest back we’d ever been at a Green Day show, and it only confirmed all I’ve been saying about how it doesn’t matter. Of course front row is awesome and I love being able to see so well, but my mum and I had so much fun dancing together at the back. I still felt that same connection to the band and every word Billie sang. Seeing the full stage with the crowd all around us took me back to my first seated shows that had changed my life so. Scattered around us were people who didn’t know the band well but still watched in awe, and others who knew everything and sang and danced like we did. It was 100% worth getting an Uber all the way from Kraków. I regret nothing.
We got a taxi to Prague Airport the next morning, because it only cost the equivalent of £5 and we did not want to risk getting lost and somehow missing our flight. Our journey to Oslo was surprisingly – and refreshingly – uneventful.
Morning in Prague
Arriving in Oslo
We bought a loaf of bread to eat and just wandered around Oslo. Despite how cold and expensive it was (though I did get a Pokémon backpack for the equivalent of £15), I liked those modern streets a lot and I hope I can go back one day when I haven’t been wiped out by an Uber.
The fjord was almost entirely frozen over
This photo accurately reflects how cold it was
We didn’t make it up the hill to take photos, but this view of the skyline was pretty good
Pretty Oslo streets
I decided not to camp that night. I’d heard that people didn’t queue in Norway and though it was technically 14°C warmer than Kraków’s -15°C, it was a different cold that seeped into the bones and froze you from inside. I sometimes wonder if I should have done just to add ‘then I camped out in Oslo’ to ‘I got an Uber from Kraków to Prague’ but it would have been pointless, because when I arrived in the early morning there were only three people at our gate (and Fran at the other one). We were all foreigners – three Finnish girls and us three English. The first locals arrived around 10am.
7am, Oslo, Norway: my mum standing away from the line for a cigarette
Finland and England represents: Rosamari, Jenna, Maria and Meri (and Joy pressing the shutter)
The first five
Me and my mum wrapped in foil blankets as the sun rose
The line, midday
Phone pic of the line when I got back from putting my camera away
I can feel the nerves in that photo – knowing the line had finally been moved from the steps to its ‘proper’ place and that doors were getting closer. And the cold. That cold was definitely worse than Kraków or Prague, or at least it was by the time I’d been standing there all day.
Traditional barrier selfie, cut off because my mum hates it
Security lined up by the door and one stood in front of us, confused that none of us spoke Norwegian. Still, he laughed and told us to go in English. Everyone ran. The security who’d lined up were mobbed, but I slipped around to one at the side with no line. I was in, down some steps, and saw – for the first time ever – a completely empty barrier. Our door was Jason’s side and I think we all considered running to Mike’s, but we could hear the mob coming that side and chose to play it safe. I spread my arms to save a spot for my mum at the corner of the catwalk, next to Jenna and Rosamari. Fran had got the corner on the other side and waved to us. I couldn’t see my mum anywhere though and as more people flooded the barrier, I was struggling to keep the spot. She did make it and we ended up in number order – the first time I’d ever seen that, too – but she was in a lot of pain. People had pushed her to get in front and she’d gone flying into a turnstile and seriously hurt her ankle. She was worried she wouldn’t last the show, but when The Interrupters came on and we sang all the words we knew, she was dealing with it well.
Phone pic: Billie playing his harmonica during Scattered in Oslo
Once the bunny was off the stage and Green Day ran on, it was as it usually is: we forgot the cold, the idiots who’d pushed her, even the pain became bearable. After Prague – as much fun as that was – our great spot felt especially close. The band were on fire. I don’t know how receptive the crowd were, because I was just in my own world with my favourite band.
‘SHE knows it!’ Billie laughed as he walked past, looking for someone to sing Longview. He picked a guy we’d lined up with though, which was great.
I remember having that almost spiritual experience I’d had with Scattered in Kraków, screaming along with Billie to 2000 Light Years Away, Waiting, Forever Now and some others I’ve forgotten. He told us ‘tusen takk’ (thank you very much) and ‘jeg elsker deg’ (‘I love you’) and I felt like such a part of it all. Possibly because I have a Norwegian friend and actually understood, possibly just because shit, guys, this is my life – I was in Norway seeing Green Day.
Phone pics: Billie during King For A Day and Jason trying out the local attire
For the first time I caught a pick Billie threw me and I’m so glad it’s from Oslo, one of my favourite shows of all time and a memory of all the songs I sang along to with my favourite person I’ve never met.
Waiting at Oslo Airport on our way home
We’d originally planned to carry on to Stockholm after Oslo, but we just couldn’t afford it and all the travel disasters on this trip had now wiped us out completely. I was OK with that. Oslo was tied with Florence as my favourite show on this tour so far, we’d made it to Prague, Kraków was great too. This was our last show until Manchester two weeks later… or so we thought.
Next up: going to Brussels and Paris on a bus, with about 24 hours notice.
Once upon a time, a young servant traveled from a faraway land to a faraway land. Oh, look! A swallow! The little bird lead the man over the mountains, to an old Holy Shrine. There, in the middle of the cobblestone path, stood an ancient, gigantic LCD monitor! The young servant from the faraway land in the faraway land thought, "Dude, what are those weird characters on this device? 'Log in'?" He did not understand anything. But as he touched the monitor with his hand, a bright light shined on his ugly gob--um, face. And so, the young servant began the adventure of World of Warcraft!
I'm not kidding, if the World of Warcraft books were full of content like that, I'd buy every single one of them.
...oh! Hey, and welcome to a new episode of Nico Talks About Stuff! My name is Servant. And today, we'll talk about MMORPGs. There are so many of them... Silk Road, Cabal Online, World of Warcraft... well, I have to say tha-- oh, I have to go. Someone's coming.
...um, who was that servant?
Welcome to a new episode of Nico Talks About Stuff. If you didn't already know by the title and my username, my name is Nico. And today, we'll talk about... what, there's a topic already? What servant?!
Okay... MMOs. There are a LOT of them. Rappelz, Guild Wars, and Flyff are some examples. I play none of them.
It's not that I hate MMOs, but I think there are way too many contras. But don't worry. I'm not one of these people that say MMO players would behave like this when they're outside:
So, this is... the Real Life? Those graphics are just mindblowing... but what's the story? I didn't quite catch that.
I mean, I played some MMOs back in the day, like Flyff for example. And of course they can be fun, but it's not my type of games. For me, it's just about beating up the same monster all the time to then brag about your awesome equipment a few months later... and then get killed with a shoehorn.
Of course, MMOs have some pros. But now, I want to tell you some things I HATE about MMOs.
1. "Buff me" scroungers
Nothing to explain here. By the way, BUFF ME!
2. Stupid stereotypes
This actually happened to me once:
Player: Hey, where are you from?
Me: I'm from Germany.
Player: ewww, nazi.
WHAT THE FUCK? Why does this happen so often...?!
TotallyNotAScam: Hey! My name is Yam! Something's wrong with your account! Please give me your password so I can check your account!
SomeNormalPlayer: Oh, okay. My password is "password123".
TotallyNotAScam: You sell your set for 100,000 gold? I take it!
SomeNormalPlayer: Hey, hold on, why is it only 10,000 now instead of 100,000?
But, I think it's actually your fault if you fall for them. I don't know how it is with the other communities, I'm talking about Flyff experience. But still, MMOs are not my thing.
However, at least they're better than those weird anime dating roleplay games...
"I don't know if I can forgive you after what you've done!"
-> "Buy ice cream for her"
"Oh, ice cream! You are forgiven!"
Okay, that concludes this episode of Nico Talks About Stuff. Leave a comment below so I can see your thoughts on this topic. See ya next time!
Oh, and also, happy 1 year anniversary to Revolution Radio! I know it was yesterday, but I post a new topic here every Sunday, so... yeah.
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Hey guys, and welcome back to Nico Talks About Stuff! Read the title to see what my name is. No, it's not "Stuff".
Before we start, there will be multiple characters speaking in this post. You can differentiate them based on the text color: White is me (Nico), yellow is the person who likes high end games, red is the person who likes retro games. Okay? OK. And of course, I hope that no one here is like the yellow and red guys.
So, what we all know is: there's various tastes, various opinions, and of course various types of pizza. I know it doesn't really fit to the theme of this post... whatever.
But today, we will talk about: New games or retro games? But STOP! Before we start, I want to respond to a comment that Trotsky left on my latest post about Counter Strike, in which he was surprised that people still play that game. And he also said he's old. So, for the first part: I also thought CS died out after the long nothingness after Source, but then Global Offensive came out and almost all of my friends started playing it. For the second part, 25 is not old.
Hey man, get to the point already. Just tell that nostalgia idiot that the new games are way better than the old rotten crappy retro games!
You have no idea, dude. Just look at those new games! It's only about graphics, and the gameplay and ESPECIALLY the story just falls out completely. Crysis is the best example!
Don't talk shit, man! Look at Portal 2, good graphics and still gameplay and story!
Well, Portal 2 is an exception. But I'm talking about all those first person shooters, and I CAN'T OPEN THIS BAG OF CHIPS!
Guys, just calm down! I think a few people are worse than the discussions themselves. What do I mean with that? I have no idea. Just kidding. First of all, there are these people...
What, Nintendo and graphics? Nintendo is just for little kids, I play GTA on PS4 all the time man! I have this gun here and-- what is this umbrella doing here, I want a gun!! There we go-- A SHOEHORN?!
Oh really...? And how about... Splinter Cell? Resident Evil?!
Splinter Cell? Resident something? Doesn't count man, it's for little kids too.
And also, the term "nostalgia" is always used so positively. Do you know about the "nostalgia factor"? I will demonstrate it by using a conversation me and a friend of mine had a few weeks before Zelda: Breath of the Wild was released with the Nintendo Switch.
Yellow (me): Oh, I'm so excited for Breath of the Wild! You too?
Red (friend): Nope, Ocarina of Time is better.
So, how are you supposed to know when the game isn't even OUT yet?!
Ocarina of Time is the best Zelda game and NOTHING CAN EVER GET BETTER.
This over-the-top conservative thinking is just... over the top! Just give the new games a chance. The developers always have new ideas. Maybe they'll release the Umbrella Gun... okay, that's not a good idea.
But we all see that everything gets newer. And in a few years... everything will be 3D. Maybe not, but that's not so important.
And that concludes the third episode of Nico Talks About Stuff. Leave your opinion in the comments: Which do you like more, high end or retro? And I'll see you next time. Bye!
The last song from my fictional album Liquid Mirror. I had a lot to say on this one, apparently. Enjoy.
The sun has my fever
carried in the open air
The dead slumber
empty in icons without care
My people return
with fire from the waves
The blades of our fields
sheathed, nothingness saves
clean and no regret
We are eternal
Our atoms dissipate
in our flash of light
Wounded and afraid
Invasions by the wayside
and I feel
the death of my pride
In the sunburst
all comes to an end, then
the dark comes
never to rise again
And that's fine
We run to no avail
when we fear growing frail
Our last wish
but we emptied our dish
And that's fine
How we beg for another chance
The final movements in our Ghost Dance
They never come back again
Press on and forget what happened then
I feel alive
Bathed in your light
Puzzles in the hive
You will not control
The elements always lie
We all unify
then split into thirds
Forced against the odds
and the core of the world
Recoil into the bunker
and destroy the radiance whirled
Take control of your evil
and open the beginning
I am finally here
The hostiles are not winning
Before time runs out
Seize the memory
The fragments of the truth
are my infidelity
When my life disappears
The boat of the night
comes when I'm drowning in my fears
I couldn't die
no matter, how I wanted to
I couldn't try
no matter, how I had to
alone in my mind
Left at home
home I couldn't find
I will die
My life arrives
riding on gamma waves
I will die
I will die
No set purpose
but that's up to me
in a flash of light
There is a point of no return
That point isn’t clearly marked
Some stray dogs keep watch nearby
But don’t count on them to bark
And let you know to watch your step
They have their own concerns
This place has been their homestead
So long as the sun has burned
On which side are we standing?
Is there no one who can tell?
Denied are all the wishes
Of the ones who dug the wells
Scarce sustenance is offered
By the crescent, cross, and wheel
The fittest ones among us
Still await a chance to heal
And I am the reluctant self
Confined to the first person view
I would like to be something else
Not someone else, but something new
Stranger than animal, alien, android
A difficult thing to conceive
Something unmoored, entirely free
Or merely a grain through a cosmic sieve
Man its been a long while since I posted one of these on here but not time better than the present, right? So ever since I started college, ive been having more people coming up and saying they thought I was still in high school or that I look like I still belong in middle school(im 19 btw). What's worse is that most of the people who say that begin treating me like a kid who's still in 8th grade or something. Like, they treat my thoughts or opinions on a matter like they're invalid because I look like im a child and apparently a childs opinion doesnt matter. It's really demeaning and confidence crushing ya'know? Like for example, the last date I went on with my boyfriend was horseback riding, we had to sign this waiver saying we wont sue if we get hurt or whatever, the lady who gave us the waiver almost made my boyfriend sign the parent/guardian part until we gave her a strange look and she asked for my age, she acted surprised and apologized Or sometimes older people will shoot us dirty looks because we are holding hands. Not to mention the NON STOP carding I get. Just about anything that could require ID I get asked for and extensively questioned, some times accused that im using a fake. Sometimes I just wanna scream "Im an adult, stop treating me like a little kid!" I already know im going to be looked down upon in the workplace when I get a job because im young/ look young, that im going to get the barrage of child jokes. Anyone else struggle with something like this? Like why do most people my age look like models in their mid 20s?
Hey, I'm back! Today, I want to take the time to talk about Counter Strike. As you can see from the title of this blog, my name is Nico. Yay.
Counter Strike is one of the most popular shooter games of all time. Everything you have to know about that game is shootin' people, shootin' more people, and campers (I'll talk about them in a bit as well).
I'm just kidding. Let's go into more detail about this game. It's basically a battle between the Counter Terrorists (the good people) and the Terrorists (the bad people). The Terrorists can win in two ways: They can either wipe out the entire Counter Terrorist team, or they can place a C-4 somewhere and let it explode. The Counter Terrorists can win in three ways: They can either wipe out the entire Terrorist team (who would've thought?), they can defuse a C-4, or they can save a hostage.
As we all know, every game has some points of frustration. I think Counter Strike has a lot of them, but my dog says it's just because I'm such a noob at that game, so...
So, here is my list of the Top 3 things in Counter Strike that annoy me the most!
3. People saying weird stuff on servers through voice chat
Why do people do this? Imagine you're in this situation: You just join some random server, and because you're friendly, you want to say "Hi". Response? "Sup you freak we're extreme here and you'll be gone soon, ohhh"...
You don't know what's going on and think it's just one person who's being annoying. You type in "How are you?" and a second person sings "I'm doing fine, yeahhh"
I mean, it's okay if you keep it limited. But don't just do stuff like that after every word-- "Word, word... words are so pretty, woah-oh..." WHAT THE HELL?! It's just unnecessary and annoying. But as you can see, that's not the worst thing...
2. Various players you can find on some servers
First of all, it's just SO ANNOYING when some people just shout into their microphones... especially in a language you don't understand. Then, there are the wonderful campers. They are these players that just hide in one spot and kill everyone in sight.
And now, don't say it's tactical waiting. For me, tactical waiting is when you stay at one place for a short time. Not through the entire game! But there's some players that just take the cake...
Hackers. Cheaters. Cornflakes. Oh, wait...
Yeah, they're just the perfect candidates. There's one question: Hackers and cheaters, why do you do that? Do you feel overpowered through it, or do you have no life?
"but y?!?! i have a house made out of obsidian and theres lava flowing around it--" Minecraft is NOT life! "wat do u mean?!?!"
However, if you cheat in games, you indirectly admit you have no skill. That's why hackers and cheaters are... how should I say it... b00ns! But don't worry, you will eventually stop... maybe.
1. Anti Shooter Games
Now, this isn't a problem with the game, but the game plays a big role in this one. Think about it, what annoys about every gamer who plays games like Counter Strike? We're all annoyed by this ONE THING.
"Forbid this useless violence! Forbid killer games! All killer game players will become gunmen!"
Dear Anti Killer Game community... what's going on in your heads? Do you really think that games like that are the main reason for rampages?! And what about the social complications? Mental disorders?!
Of course, it can happen that shooter games can drive you to do stuff like that, but for that you already have to be kinda... you know...
If there's one thing that made me more angry, it was Mario. Do you remember the underwater stages in the original Super Mario Bros. with the bloopers? Oh man, I was angry at that! So, I don't think you should put the blame on shooter games. But they still do it. I WILL FIND YOU-- I mean, I don't think that's right.
If you want, leave your opinion about this topic as a comment, and I'll see you in my next post!
Hey guys! I'm Nico and welcome to Nico Talks About Stuff! So, today we're talking about gaming stuff... of course in a silly way.
Today's topic is: Minecraft! Minecraft is probably one of the most popular games ever. Especially in 2011, that thing just exploded. Everyone wanted to play it, every 2nd Let's Player wanted to do a Let's Play of it. Everyone who didn't want to do videos about it got this response:
"I don't want to play Minecraft." "WHAT? Everyone unsub him!!"
But why is Minecraft so successful? I think it's because it's kinda like playing with Legos. Everyone played with Legos when they were kids. Admit it, you did it too!
For those of you who don't know what Minecraft is about: You collect materials and craft many items with it. With that, you can build even more stuff, like houses, mines, planes, everything you can imagine. There's one guy who is interesting. He's called "Creeper". It's a green... thing with four feet and no arms. When you're near it, it can explode, and so it can destroy a lot or even kill you. Be careful...
Of course, there's not only creepers, there's also other things that can attack you, like spiders, skeletons or zombies. Ouch.
By now, pretty much everyone plays Minecraft. Even the cool kids. "Dude, I'm so awesome, I got Minecraft on DS! ...what? What do you mean, there's no Minecraft for DS?!"
Notch is the creator of Minecraft. His real name is Markus Persson. He made millions with that game! With those graphics? Yup.
Minecraft is one of the best examples that graphics are not the most important thing about gaming. I think other people should take that as an example, because today, everyone only cares about the graphics. Soon, everyone will be like this: "What's reality? What's in-game?"
Minecraft is like an addiction that no one can stop...
Okay, I have to admit: I bought Minecraft as well. In the first three weeks I enjoyed playing it, but then it became very boring for me. Yup, even this game can get boring. OMG!
But still, it's a very good game, and that's why it gets a "YAY!"
So, that's it from me. I hope you enjoyed reading this first post. Leave your opinion to Minecraft in the comments, if you want. See you next time!
New lyrics. Enjoy.
The air is following the fumes
of the pillars and mundane light
Where is the energy stored
when we choose not to fight?
It's tireless suffocation
gathering dust in my mind
Leading to the catastrophe
upheld by the blind
I can't fade
and the molecules we share
remain the same
don't feel as strange
and the bonds that we take
remain the same
Though the outside is deserted
it is home just the same
Through your contact
the anticipation is just a game
Introduced to the sound
and the bombs that drown
The tempest now knows
how to collude with what I've found
To those that feel it, too
Amused with the decrepit askew
Those with dry hands
cup the rain and take it from you
To those that see it through
and stand by me though you knew
The waltz we dance
is like the tidal of what is true
you'll never fade
With your magnitude of grace
The atomic legacies I won't erase
The melodies gathered beneath
feed the recesses by the fire
From the depths of the abyss
and the breath of every last desire
If I never fully heal
it has consumed me long enough
Finally belonging in the brine
has forced foundation to my bluff
I love you just the same
However guarded my forces feel
can't stop the heart I can't conceal
I have changed
you have changed
But the fusions of us all
leave no one left to feel estranged
I guess I'm feeling some type of way. I think it should be happy; but, well, shit. Nothing's ever that simple is it?
Apocalyptica (AKA awesome Cello dudes from Finland) are on a tour for the 20th anniversary of their Plays Metallica by Four Cellos album, and I saw them at one of their shows last night with my sister. The album was their debut, a collection of Metallica covers, if the name isn't a dead giveaway for that part. The show was fucking awesome. Maybe that's why I feel so guilty about being too messed up right now to feel that concert afterglow in full effect. Or maybe it's because I'm lying to my sister about how I feel, but can you blame me? I took her to the concert as her birthday gift, who the fuck am I to ruin her night with whatever the fuck this is?
I know what this is, it's me putting too much stock into my dreams, and not in a premonition type of way. I can't really explain it, but the last time I had a dream about someone I love dying, it was my sister, and immediately after I woke up I went over to her and I held her for like two hours until I calmed the fuck down. Can't really do that this time, seeing as the person is nowhere near me.
I'm scared. The dream was different this time. When it was my sister, her death was an accident. She was going to school and she got hit by a car or some shit. But in my dream this time, Sunshine's death wasn't an accident. She killed herself, and it fucking terrifies me because I know she's really fucking depressed and therapy and her pills haven't been helping much lately. I know because I'm the one that talks to her every other day when she can't sleep and feels like she can't breathe, and all I fucking want is to be next to her so I can fucking hold her and know she's still breathing and not doing anything stupid but I can't. I can't because we're literally fucking oceans apart, and what the fuck kind of friend am I when I can't do shit? I'm not saying I expect myself to cure her depression, no. That's some movie bullshit, I know firsthand it doesn't work like that. But I would very much like to be able to hug her when she says she wants to, to have her see me or hear me in person, because for some goddamn reason Sunshine loves me and I'm one of her best friends.
It kills me that I'm making her sad. I know it's not my fault, that I can't really help the fact that my family had to move to America and that I'm not back home anymore, but there's no getting rid of this guilt. I don't know how I would forgive myself if she does something to herself. I don't know how I would forgive her.
Oh right. This entry had a song to go with it. One by Metallica, as covered by Apocalyptica twenty years ago. No lyrics because Apocalyptica are usually just instrumental, but I've found that the way they play it manages to convey the message anyway. I did almost break out into sobs when they played it last night, so there's that. Enjoy if you decide to listen (it's linked to the name, in case you didn't notice it).
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The Universe is but a Network of Interdependent Probabilities.
Yet, here you stay, in practice acting more
one from which I can not escape.
You may feel like impossibility,
but as sure as I’m still breathing,
my thoughts will create reasons to return to you.
I know that each time I wake,
the rush of you is waiting, sworn
to grace my head with silly notions
of our escaping with each other,
but then soon after, I’ll recover myself—
I should know by now that love is no good for my health.
Still, you’ll have my heart racing,
I should probably tell you about the affection
that’s baiting me, but I’m not sure that’s a conversation
that I can sell.
So I write it here, in hopes of—well, I don’t know what.
Perhaps this is an illocution. I could give it up to you,
but that would take precise execution.
Even then it may be no solution,
more like an illusion than means of absolution,
more like elusive, barely a beggar’s chance at improving affairs.
I could dare to let loose and lay my thoughts out in a fusion
of emphatic rhymes, poetic screeds, epigrammatic lines,
and dramatic pleas for your constitution. I’d bleed for you,
leave my heart out bare, leave no room for confusion,
no room for ambiguous conclusions.
Perhaps doing this will lift the noose
and disperse these daydreams
it seems thoughts of you are oft producing.
Even if I hand you this as unrepentant proof
of how much of my attention you command,
I can’t imagine that you’ll care.
Still, I’d like to prepare something grand,
it’s my nature to embrace hyperbole.
To chase dramatic tropes and wear
them as a cloak in the streets for all to see.
Oh, how audacious I must be
to call what I do poetry.
New lyrics. Enjoy.
Atom Bomb Tears
Curtain call, roll call, enter
the seasons morphing through
the fall of Morpheus in distress
Undress the motors through inherent
void quarters with no value and the
nickel baptized in reclusive magnitude
Atom bomb tears
The fog now clears
One rogue, one laser beam
dances through globes of ultralight steam
One skull clown car, one by one
emerges from afar in the glass of the gun
Bullet of two in jet-lag vew
Confusion in the blush of the lavender brush
Toddler with a turnpike point collapsed
in the axe of a heated joint amassed
Cabin fever from the opulent screens
Never knew it from the dried fields of green
Alkaline fever in the crass collection of
heathens in the history of 1000 reasons
Run to the next sinking iceberg last
Run to the graphic expansive class
Beating of a drum of life causes a
life of strife, portrait of enigmatic
emblems and the sponge on top
The world is evil but who says so?
The roots of the labor seed the fruit
of the lust in fuss of the cusp, go!
Clear and serene
The fog now clears
The fog now clears