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  1. Lone
    Latest Entry

    By Lone,

    10 Most popular topics for January 2016
    1) Green Day in the studio 2016 - 593 posts
    2) Green Day Instagram Photos - 248 posts
    3) Random Thoughts - 223 posts
    4) Where do you personally think Green Day should go sonically with their next record? - 171 posts
    5) University/College - 144 posts
    6) GDC/GDA Feedback and Help - 128 posts
    7) The Work Thread - 120 posts
    8) The Angry Thread - 109 posts
    9) May the IVth GDC Regulars Club be with you... - 108 posts
    10) Random Green Day Thoughts - 106 posts

    Top 5 Most Active Members
    JJ1964 (310 posts)
    Jane Lannister (239 posts)
    Darth Seditus (236 posts)
    Steven Seagull (205 posts)
    desertrose (199 posts)

    Top 5 Most Liked Posts
    This post by Paola17 in Green Day in the studio 2016
    This post by Fuzz in Billie Joe 2016 Poster
    This post by ozoneplayer in Green Day in the studio 2016
    This post by W_FInkThePlatypusHunter in Green Day in the studio 2016
    This post by Steven Seagull in Green Day in the studio 2016

    Stats
    Members active: 468
    New Members: 130 
    Total Visitors: 15,762
    Most registrations in a single day: 21 (January 31st)
    Single busiest day: January 19th
    New Topics: 79
    Total Posts: 5,699
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    Blog posts made: 20
    Most viewed blog entry: The Journey (350 views)
    Total Rep Given: 5,001

    Hello all! How is everyone enjoying 2016? This past month we've started selling Billie Joe 2016 campaign posters (designed by @Jack and @BeachBum and as seen on Billie Joe's Instagram account). Check out the details here. I also wanted to mention "New in the Download Section" by @Todd. He'll be highlighting new Green Day and Green Day related media for your downloading pleasure. Sayonara for now.

  2. 4933457_orig.jpg

    It's Romantic Isn't It?

    Photographer:

    Maria Gloria

    One of the many wonderful photographs by Maria Gloria. Take a moment to check out more of her photography and leave a comment

    HERE.

    Make a suggestion for next weeks MasterPiece of the week my sending BeachBum a pm.

  3. Random Musings

    • 2
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    • 0
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    Recent Entries

    Incendium
    Latest Entry

    To the people reading this, hello! 

    I just realized that I posted something without even describing my blog or talking about what I intend to post on here. I guess I got too excited after reading lizziebix's suggestion to create one!

    I have been writing stuff for a long time now and I post it here and there but most of it is what you can call "organized chaos." I'm just trying to get back to writing and in the meantime I want to share the things that I have written in the past and this seems like a good place to do that. 

    Before I post anything new, I'd like to say that I'm just an amateur so I really appreciate criticism. Comments are always welcome.

    -Aarushi

  4. She's my miracle

    No other way to say it

    Her song is rapturous

    No other way to play it

     

    So desperate for a fix of hope

    Craving that pure psychic dope

    Any light to pierce the tunnels I'd dug

    To say I was a wreck would be too kind

    An apocalyptic, twisted mind

    So tempting to give up with a shrug

     

    Yet she made me feel deserving

    Against all I understood

    Her eyes were the first mirror

    Where I knew I saw something good

     

    This is not just romance, no

    This is revolution

    A fiery insurrection in my heart

    It's so strange how my life turned out

    Forgetting all I'd known about

    I embraced it all coming apart

     

    Now she's my miracle

    And her touch feels divine

    Having her is surging joy

    And she'll always be mine 

     

    ____________________

     

    Anna, you are everything to me. <3

  5. New lyrics. Enjoy.

     

    The Rebirth

     

    In the light

    guided by the stars

    the true villain appears

    Lay down your arms

     

    In their plight

    harnessed with desire

    as they step to the throne

    with the kingdom on fire

     

    The strength

    in the palm of your hand...

     

    ... will end it all.

  6. So I set myself the task of writing every day, even if it's just something small. Now January has ended, I've found myself with a collection of short poems that I might as well share, see if I can get some feedback and thoughts. None of them have been edited; all are as they were as soon as they were finished. All were written in a day. These are some of the ones I'm happier with. I like writing every day, it helps me capture a snapshot of my thoughts or the sights or experiences of that day, even if I'll never use that piece of writing. So yeah, here's a collection of things. 

     

    Catch 22

    Spoiler

    I thought I was done writing about you
    But I see things that you would like sometimes
    I see them 
    Think about what your reaction would have been
    I know exactly what it would have been
    The exact smile
    The exact laugh
    The exact dimples
    The exact scrunching of your eyes
    The exact appreciation that you'd been thought of
    Then I move on
    And with melancholy 
    I forget
    And I think I am done with you
    Then I see something you would have liked

     

    Unconditional

    Spoiler

    No one will love you so without reservation and absolutely as I have;
    It didn’t always show and it lacked the soil to grow
    But I promise you it dominated every fibre of my bones.
    That no one else will love you so much is not to say you are unlovable, 
    Or that other boy’s love is not strong and glorious 
    Or that they or you are deluded.
    It is fact. It is physics. It is the monsoon and the drought. It is the ocean. The waking dream. The day dimming to night; the sky into space: no one could possibly love you more than I;
    To do so would be to forfeit oneself entirely.
    That is what I would do. 
    That is unconditional love.  

     

    Upon A Star

    Spoiler

    I could wish
    I was taller.
    That I was broader
    I could make myself broader.
    I might wish
    For a prouder chest,
    To be stronger
    Like the rugby boys.
    I might wish to be smarter
    And to have direction
    And to amount to something
    And not to drown it in whisky and wine 
    Wishing don’t get you far.


    Necklace 

    Spoiler

    I wonder 
    If you still wear the necklace
    Even though I was stupid and asked you not to 
    Do you wear it because I gave it to you?
    Or because of what it still means?
    Or is it out of habit?
    Does it mean nothing?
    Is it just a pretty piece of metal?
    Does it collect dust in a draw?

     

    Contentment

    Spoiler

    The room smells like an ashtray
    Months of cigarettes and weed cling to the fibres of the wall
    Below the sound of people enjoying their meals at the Italian restaurant
    Occasionally you hear the sound of uproar in the pub next door 
    Even up here on the third floor 
    My friend strums the guitar 
    Strum strum strum 
    To the favourite songs we play each other 
    I lay back on his bed, still in my work clothes 
    Sucking a bottle of expensive red wine 
    Waiting for him to pass the joint 
    This is the highlight of a good day 
    I am content and the company is excellent
    Whatever troubles there were fade away.

     

    Lotus Eating

    Spoiler

    I know that there is so much skin to see
    But I can’t help but confess that where she is is where I want to be.
    I don’t want to go back to being the guy 
    Who sticks around for a good time, not a long time.
    It sounds conceited I, sound so deluded I
    Can’t help but feeling that if I talk about you enough you’ll come back to me
    Yet all the while 
    I’m in denial, I
    Got two or three girls besotted and thinking ‘bout me when they’re playing with themselves.
    So though I’d rather write trite pseudo-Arristipusian philosophy about myself
    Than some God-awful political commentary straight off the left shelf
    I still can’t confront the real reasons I won’t let go of her and do a favour for my mental health.
    I guess I gotta write and drink and snort while I sort my bank account before I spend all of my wealth.

     

    Date Night

    Spoiler

    We went for drinks
    This young blonde thing, only just eighteen. 
    She looked at me like she couldn't believe her luck
    But I barely saw her. 
    We drank a lot of wine.
    Glass after glass
    She sat next to me, saying I should listen to a song. 
    She put the earpiece in my ear and swung her legs over mine and we started kissing deeply. 
    Her tongue piercing turned me on. She said I should see her others.
    I took her outside and we kissed deeply under a street light and
    There was something colder than the air about the yellow-stained asphalt we stood on.
    I felt her tongue in my mouth, but I didn't feel anything. 
    The light was artificial. Everything was artificial. 
    Twenty minutes later I was on the train home
    Hating that I'd have a hangover at work tomorrow. 
    I couldn't wait to be in bed.

     

    Fool for Her

    Spoiler

    If she came crawling back
    I’d say yes without hesitation 
    Because after consideration 
    I’d rather fight against circumstance 
    Than the desire in our hearts.
    What’s stopping us working together?
    What is the force keeping us apart? 


     

  7. my lonely riot

    • 4
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    Recent Entries

    Yes, and how many ears must one man have
    Before he can hear people cry?
    Yes, and how many deaths will it take 'til he knows
    That too many people have died?

    The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind
    The answer is blowin' in the wind. ...

    ( bob dylan )

    hello all GDC'ers,....;)

    IMG_0013.jpg

    There were giant attacks in France. A big earthquake and a tsunami hit Japan. A bomb exploded in the crowd in Turkey, Afganistan, Mali. Another bomb exploded in Lebanon. A Russian airplane hijacked and crashed at Egypt and all passengers died. another Rusian warplane shotdown near the Syrian border and trigering nuclear war,.... There was a great anti-government demonstration in South Korea, Malaysia, Indonesia. ISIS is still killing so many innocent people in Iraq and Syria. Lots of people is being killed in war in many countries.

    We just want peace..........:cry:

    ======

    all this drawing series are my concern by what's going on in the this world now days,..every day i read or heard news about war and violence around the globe...from paris to midlle east...war is goin' on now days.....it makes me sad.
    i questioning myself...where is the love for human being??

    imagine all the people life in peace.....

    You may say I'm a dreamer
    But I'm not the only one
    I hope someday you'll join us
    And the world will live as one...
     
    ========
    this time i post 8 drawing....all just my imagination and my expression....
     
    imagine...
    where_is_the_love_3.jpg
     

    islamophobia...

    where_is_the_love_4.jpg

     

    where is the love,...

    where_is_the_love_9.jpg

     

    i love you all...

    where_is_the_love_2.jpg

     

    love is the answer...

    where_is_the_love_5.jpg

     

    love bombs...

    where_is_the_love_6.jpg

     

    to all the leader around the world..where is the love...

    where_is_the_love_7.jpg

     

    ask your self..where is the love...

    where_is_the_love_8.jpg

  8. Z J
    Latest Entry

     

     

    I could have been your remedy

    But, I’m yours now only in memory

    My head was wrapped around your melody

    But I’ve forgotten how the words go

     

    My heart’s in service to you no more

    Faded, like your knocks against my door

    You don’t own me, like you did before

    I don’t need you, like I did before

     

    It hasn’t been long 

    since you left me in this place

    Yet, I’ve forgotten your song

    And I’ve forgotten your face

     

    This is a place I’ve been

    a thousand times before

    but that was then;

    I don’t recognize it anymore.

     

    As your melody fades,

    I still wonder about the cards I played

    If different moves were made,

    would you have stayed?

     

    Maybe it’s more about the cards I was dealt

    Maybe I thought you were something else,

    Maybe I was wrong-

    Maybe you weren’t someone that I could help

     

    Now you’re gone

    but that doesn’t change how I felt

    You once had me under your spell,

    and I thought I could break that fucking shell,

    but, now all I can do

    Is see you out the door and wish you well

  9. Things I Write

    Darth Seditus
    Latest Entry

    I know a guy
    He's filled with hopes and dreams
    That he hasn't got a clue how to fulfil

    He's got these big ideas
    Of leather jackets, shouts and screams
    In dingy clubs and angry pubs across the land

    What he doesn't realise
    Is that unless he really tries
    To set the scene up for himself
    He'll just keep making alibis

    Late at night up in his room
    He writes the words of pain and strife
    And he hears them ringing out over a crowd

    He sits with his guitar
    And works his fingers 'til he bleeds
    And in his head he's standing up upon a stage

    What he doesn't realise
    Is that unless he really tries
    To set the scene up for himself
    He'll just keep making alibis

    Dissatisfied with music
    Playing on the radio
    He's not content with what the modern world's become

    His mind's stuck in the past
    A time when passion ruled one's heart
    He romanticises life he never knew

    What he doesn't realise
    Is that unless he really tries
    To set the scene up for himself
    He'll just keep making alibis

    The opportunity is there
    It's clear in broad daylight
    I don't understand just what he's waiting for

    What he doesn't realise
    Is that unless he really tries
    To set the scene up for himself
    He'll just keep making alibis

  10. Sweet melody of my heart
    I pray for you to be my guide
    In this world so hurt
    I only know you’re mine.

    ‘Cause I need comfort in these days,
    'Cause they are so hard to face.
    And I want you to be close,
    I want your warm hug to protect me from this world.

    Keep calm and carry on
    But what if I want to be gone?
    Hidden desires in this heart of mine,
    But then I see you shine.

    Sweet melody of my heart,
    What are you trying to say?
    It’s more like you, with your art,
    Are trying to make me stay.

    But it’s strong the desire to go away,
    But why do you wish me to stay?
    Who are you to say me that?
    Are you a part of myself?

    Oh sweet melody,
    It looks like you’re a part of me,
    That part which wants me to live
    And that doesn’t want me to bleed.

    Should I listen to you?
    And now your melody sounds like rain.
    What should I do?
    You’re begging so much and I’m in pain.

    Oh sweet melody of my heart
    I can hear our heartbeat full of life
    I guess I will stay for a while
    Once again till I’m going to fall apart.

  11. Both of these poems are about some intensely personal happenings in my life.
     
    Staying Strong
     
    Do you know the suffering, the pain?
    All these negative feelings that remain
    I push and fight for a little bit of light, out goes the flame
    Rejected in my own mind without a frame of reference to be seen
    Obtain this key, I remove it and refrain
    Running far away from all the mind games
    Because I was frozen in a moment, vulnerable and silent
    No expression of my horror to be seen across my face
    Living in a moment that leaves you broken, weak, and afraid
    Corruption of the innocence, division of the brain
    And so I break these thoughts down, over and over and over and over
    Can't make sense of why it happened, I feel distant and alone
    All hopes that I abandoned I buried deep beneath the snow
    But spring is inevitable, what once I'd buried reemerges, so it goes
    I am stronger than you were, I am strong and beautiful
     
    Little Walking Tragedy
     
    Beautiful and sweet
    Little walking tragedy
    Breakdown in defeat
    Obscure the outcomes agony
    Frail the bones are weak
    Hold it all together
    Stable and steady
    Through this nasty weather
    Suffering you bleed
    Hurting is the treasure
    Little walking tragedy
    Can you hold it all together?
  12. now this is all my green day stuff i've saved. everything else is long gone lmao

    tumblr_nsota3xzMA1txn20yo1_500.png

    tumblr_npgexhLapp1txn20yo1_500.jpgtumblr_nn8a6b3Rtu1txn20yo1_1280.pngtumblr_nuyjvd91BS1uf37q2o1_250.png this smol bean is actually fit for a phone screen!!! so if you wanna use it for that then go ahead

    tumblr_nu9lhgNXFQ1uf37q2o1_1280.pngtumblr_nuc1907BE01uf37q2o1_1280.png

    im missing fairy tre but i will get there and draw him and jason for this year's halloween

  13. Lady Darkling's sort of diary

    Lady Darkling
    Latest Entry

    When I hit puberty, I hated life.

     

    My body went from awkward to chubby. Breasts that were too big, legs that were too fat, stomach rolls that I wanted to cut with a knife. You see, no one ever told me I could be pretty because if you’re not skinny then you’re fat and if you’re fat then you’re worthless.

     

    I felt worthless.

     

    I go to a friend’s house; she says that I look round.
    Cut.
    A guy comments on my ass, and I lose my appetite.
    Cut.
    My dad says he’s worried about me becoming obese at the rate I’m going.
    Cut.

     

    There was always too much blood.

     

    They put me in a cage since I can remember, made my body the only safe place, then made me hate it. My skin is my home but now it feels as grotesque as I look and I need to get out so I cut, but when I cut I’m an attention seeking whore.

     

    I wanted to die.

     

    I had a friend, she was skinny. Every once in a while, she would look at me and say she wanted her figure to be more like mine. I didn’t understand. She was skinny, and skinny was pretty. She didn’t agree. She thought she was bony, her breasts too small, her thigh gap too big.

     

    I didn’t understand.

     

    No matter how you are, no matter how I am, they will always find flaw. You must be skinny to be loved but not you, you’re too skinny. Not you, your boobs are too small. Not you, we can’t see your ribs yet. Not you, you have stretch marks. Not you, your ass is too big. Not you, not you, not you, never you.

     

    The world and their opinions.

     

    My guy friends are awesome. I never had guy friends before, well, I wasn’t allowed to. It’s so interesting to talk to guys who treat me as person, as an equal. They aren’t robots, nor are they scum. I tell them that I like their honesty, that I like that they’re just normal guys with normal personalities and normal bodies. They don’t like that.

     

    I didn’t understand.

     

    They’re so different around others. It’s like they shut down, or shut me out. They say different things, hold themselves different ways. For them, skinny isn’t pretty. Skinny is weak. Women are weak and they must be superior because if they aren’t superior then they are a pansy, then they aren’t a real man, then they’re worthless.

     

    The world and their opinions.

     

    From the moment you’re born, you’re fed something. You learn things you don’t realize, have teachers you don’t know. You learn the world view, the popular opinion. Boys, buff, control, desensitized. Girls, skinny, submissive, emotional.
    You’re taught to hate yourself, to feel uncomfortable in your own skin, to be ashamed of who you are. You try so desperately to fit into the frame that they have made for you, to be that picture of perfection, but you can’t. You’re too big, your personality so much more than they make it out to be. They want you to be one thing, while you are made up of all the things that they can’t even dream of.
    Your body is beautiful no matter what, because in the end, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is a privilege to witness your grace, and I promise you that even if you can’t believe it, at least one person will see that; why not let that be you?
    Skinny, thin, chubby, fat, too little, too big, they’re all just words. It doesn’t matter if you’re skinny or not, it doesn’t matter how muscular you are. Skinny and buff may mean pretty to them but you, who you are, that is what means pretty to us. The beauty that they look for is temporary, the one you have is permanent; never let that go.

     

    I’m almost done with puberty, and for now, I think I understand life.

     

     

    Stay Dirty

    -Pari

  14. ...the left one is metallica fan

  15. Lannister's Debts

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    • 819
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    Recent Entries

    Jane Lannister
    Latest Entry

    I forgot about this blog. Well, here's a new song - let me know what you think.

     

    Violence

    How do you feel about the violence

    you're treating everyone with today

    Did something I said hurt you?

    Or was it someone else?

    this doesn't seem to make any sense

    what are you doing it for?

     

    call me out for everything

    I'm ready to take the blame

    blame me for everything

    I'm ready to ruin your day

     

    How do you feel about the aggression

    do you ever feel tired?

    or is this just the way you are?

    this has never made any sense

    what are you doing it for?

     

    call me out for everything

    I'm ready to take the blame

    blame me for everything

    I'm ready to ruin your day

     

    Does the constant negation make you feel good?

    or would you rather be somewhere else?

    Does the violence make you feel strong?

    well, I don't care

     

    call me out for everything

    I'm ready to take the blame

    blame me for everything

    I'm ready to ruin your day

     

    call me out for everything

    I'm ready to take the blame

    blame me for everything

    I take pride in ruining your day

     

     

  16. I really wanted to write this note and publish it on the last day of 2015, but I honestly think that this is so important to sit down and type out now while I have the worlds to express what I’d like to say.  

    On the last day of 2014, I made a promise to myself that 2015 would be the year of self discovery, self growth, the pursuit to happiness, and, of course, #MakeTheSnip2015. I am by no means looking for sympathy, but the past few years prior were difficult for me; adjusting to University lifestyle, morphing into forced adulthood, etc. It’s so odd how in June of 2013, I had to ask a teacher’s permission to use the washroom, and in September of 2013, I was expected to read, memorize, and practically dictate the whole Little Brown Compact Handbook and pay student finances like a breeze.  

    Fortunately, 2015 was an extremely important year for me. The amount of things I have learned, discovered, observed, and experienced are all so meaningful. I figured that I should publicly share them to potentially reach to someone. I actually decided 2015 would be ‘my year’ after reading how someone made 2014 ‘their year’. Here it goes.

     1. EVEN IF YOU DON’T THINK YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE, TELL YOURSELF OTHERWISE

    This, to me, has been a very hard thing to do. As someone who has struggled with low self esteem both physically and emotionally for the majority of my lifestyle, I literally could not love anything about myself. I saw nothing good in myself, and because of that, continuously found myself unworthy or undeserving of many things. I was disgusted at how I looked. Gaining the courage to even compliment myself is huge. If I even said something as simple as, “Wow, my hair looks nice today,” my eyes would just immediately begin to tear up because in my heart I truly didn’t believe it.  I found one physical trait about myself that I did like, however; my nose. I began to like my nose more and more, and began to just compliment that little part of myself. After a while, I noticed I was also blessed to have great eyebrows that I never have to pluck. That lead to me appreciating the fact that my hair and nails grow very rapidly, and that I have decent looking hands, and so on.  Do I love every part of myself? Absolutely not. I dislike many things and hope to change those things, but that doesn’t mean I have to go through like not recognizing what I do like about myself.  Do I actually think I look as beautiful as Beyonce? No, but me complimenting myself and gaining the courage to even make remarks like that shows that I truly do want to love who I am. I want to feel comfortable in my skin, and if that means me telling myself that I am hotter than Beyonce, so be it. It isn’t a matter of being cocky, but it is a matter of learning to love myself.  (I am Sasha Fierce).  

    2. NOT EVERYONE LIKES HUGS

    It is still an extremely weird concept to me, but not everyone likes hugs or being hugged. I used to take offence to this and assume people just didn’t want my hugs, but it turns out some people just do not like hugs. It make be an awkward situation for them to have a hug in, hugs may trigger past emotions and memories, or maybe hugs are considered intimate. Regardless, I have learned to ask before someone wants a hug. Always ask if someone wants a hug before you hug them.  

    3. OFFER HUGS TO PEOPLE

    Even though not everyone likes hugs, it doesn’t hurt to ask someone if they do need/want a hug. I feel like many people lack common physical embrace due to the whole hands off policy thing, but with consent, there is nothing to worry about. Sometimes, hugs just make everything better. If you see someone may need that non-verbal reassurance, offer it up and make someone’s day. The body responds to both verbal and physical comfort. As long as you are both comfortable, why not, eh?

    4. IF YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO EAT ALL OF THE SUSHI YOU GET AT ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI, YOU PROBABLY STILL CANNOT DO IT, SO WHY TRY?

    Seriously, my eyes are bigger than my stomach, and half of the food I order always goes to waste. Go with a group of friends that are willing to eat, and order only three things at a time. That way, you can keep reordering. It will help eliminate food going to waste.  

    5. NOT EVERYONE SAYS SORRY DIRECTLY BY SAYING, “SORRY.”

    This was a huge lesson I learned this year. Not everyone has the courage to directly apologize over something. Not everyone can get over their pride to directly apologize. If someone is going out of their comfort zone and doing an act of kindness, it may be a form of apologizing.  

    It’s okay to not accept that. In some cases, a formal apology is directly needed out of respect. If their apology isn’t cutting it for you, make it clear. But if someone who has a hard time apologizing about anything musters up something positive and somewhat apologetic, recognize and appreciate the efforts that were made. Not everything has to be straight forward, because not all people are straight forward.

    Also, some people are too prideful to say sorry, which is something huge that I've noticed. These people do need to get over themselves, but if they seem to get out any kind of apology, it's best to take it.

    6. ONLY APOLOGIZE WHEN YOU GENUINELY FEEL SORRY

    This was a huge thing for me, as even when I find myself to be correct, I used to always apologize for the sake of keeping a friendship, relationship, and/or connection. It began to be very unhealthy for me to do. I began to blame myself for absolutely anything negative that mat have happened, and doubted my heart many times. “Is there something more I could have done?” “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.” “I should have known better.” Regretting every single thing you’ve ever done because it has upset people can make your whole life seem very pointless. It’s counterproductive. One cannot progress if they are too afraid of stepping on toes. My intentions are always positive and true. I would never intentionally harm anyone, and just because I may disagree with people and upset some people at times does not make me incorrect. Remember to stand your ground. If you truly feel in your heart that what you did isn’t something harmful to another person, then why should you apologize? Of course things can always be misinterpreted. Talk to the person who is offended. If they offer up a decent reason as to what you have said/done/behaved was offensive, give an apology and make sure you let them know that your intention wasn’t in that way. That is just common courtesy. However, if you did something that you truly feel isn’t wrong and it is for something you support and are passionate for, do not ever make yourself feel like what you are doing is wrong.

    Since I’m not too sure if my point is clear, I will give a short example: I work with animals. A customer had come in and said they have had many goldfish in a bowl before, and each goldfish has lived for up to a year. Technically speaking, that isn’t really a good life for a goldfish, and I did take the time to explain to her why it wasn’t a good idea. I offered up alternatives, and showed her appropriate tanks for goldfish. She immediately became aggressive and demanded a goldfish. My job is to make sure every animal goes into a loving, caring, safe home. I told her she could not have her fish. She immediately told me, “My God, I am so offended.” I truly did not feel like I had to apologize, so I just said, “My intention isn’t to offend you, but it is my job to make sure these fish get the proper care they need.”  

    7. DON’T EVER BE AFRAID TO APOLOGIZE

    No matter how minor the incident or how large the issue, if you genuinely feel sorry for any of your actions, words, and/or behaviour, let someone know. It does not make you weak. It does not make you look like some asshat who is constantly wrong. It makes you look like someone who is comfortable with being wrong at times, and accept that it is just a stepping stone in helping you learn. Apologize in a way that makes you feel comfortable, and in a way that makes the other person feel reassured.

    8. SPEAK THE TRUTH, EVEN IF YOUR VOICE SHAKES

    Always be honest with others and to yourself. I found myself unhappy for many years for giving the standard answers to things, but those answers were not true or clear representations of who I was, what my intentions were, or how I may have been feeling. Replying with little things like, “I’m fine” if you aren’t ‘fine’ and “Okay” when you actually do not find something okay become so automatic, that it keeps a barrier between your own persona and reality. My feelings, thoughts, and attitudes are all valid, so why should I not make them apart of my reality? If I am not fine, I will not tell you that I’m fine, and if I don’t like something, you are as sure as heck I will let you know! Even if something is hard for you to tell someone, let them know. Let people know things because you love them, respect them, and want to fix things. Even if what you have to say is hard for you to get out, rip it off like a bandage. Keeping things bottled up inside is torture and causes more problems down the line.  Be respectful, calm, kind, and collective when telling people things; do not ever break boundaries and insult someone. If what you have to say is something you find ‘truthful’ but hurtful, don’t bother saying that. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. Know the difference between being truthful and being incredibly indecent and rude.  This helps you stay true to yourself, and when you are true to yourself, you are keeping a promise to yourself that the little things that make you, you are valid.  

    9. RACISM IS STILL ALIVE

    It is continuous, and at the rate people are handling it, the issue will be persistent for many years. For many, many years, I figured that racism was dead, because I truly believed that all people thought the way I did. After going to University, my eyes opened up to the harsh reality. Just because I do not have prejudices and discriminate against people, doesn’t mean other people don’t. Innocent people are being seen as inferior, and being treated with the most passive-aggressive forms of racism that can be so subtle and unnoticed, and if they keep getting away with it, they will continue to become colder and more callous.  Educate yourselves on different ethnic backgrounds, and stand with the people who are fighting for equal rights. Embrace the beauty and differences that other cultures have to offer. It is so lovely to have so many backgrounds and types of people in the world; all have something unique and special to offer. If you don’t open your eyes now, you will never see how beautiful people are.

    9.5. DISCRIMINATION IS A HUGE ISSUE

    Take a stand. Fight for the rights of minorities. All minorities. Advocate and empower the people who are marginalized for who they are due to discrimination and do the right thing. For example, if you see someone making fun of someone for their weight, tell them to quit it, and you find something about that victim you find beautiful, and you tell them that they are beautiful. If you see someone mocking an elderly individual, you tell them to be more patient and considerate. If you see someone being made fun of for their sexual orientation/identity, validate the victim of the harassment that the issue is not them, and defend them against the other person who is causing harm. Things cannot change if you are not willing to change your habits in protecting others.

     10. IF SOMEONE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, THEY ARE NOT A PERSON YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE

    It’s difficult to accept, but some people will not always care about your mental health. Many people are egotistical and manipulate everything and anything to be about themselves. If someone ever says you are being sad for ‘attention’ instead of asking exactly what has got you down, avoid them. If someone tells you that you have no reason to be upset, avoid them. If someone ever tells you that your feelings or wrong or stupid, they are a dangerous person. If someone cannot recognize when they are harming you and instead tells you that you are wrong, that is not right. If someone tells you that your problems are not worth speaking about due to incredibly stupid reasons, they do not care about you. A few of the things I have been told by some people this year are, “Your problems aren’t as bad as _____’s, so why are you so down?”, “Your feelings aren’t really worth talking about, because I can’t do or say anything to make you feel better”, and, “There is no point in talking about your problems.” That is disgusting. If someone is not in a good state to talk about their problems, that is different (and if this is case, always let someone know if you are not feeling up to it), but do not ever reject someone in need. They are reaching out, and 99% of people don’t choose to be sad, or even want attention. If a “friend” ever says these things to you, they are not a friend.  

    11. NEVER BE ASHAMED OF STIGMATIZED ASPECTS OF YOURSELF

    This one is a bit more personal, but I did want to share it with you all. I was formally diagnosed this year with not only severe anxiety disorder, but panic disorder, which no one had ever considered me to have. It was a relief to find out that the way I think isn’t my fault; I just can’t help but worry and over think. I have had many people not understand this and get angry at me, think I’m “faking”, and blame me for many things due to this. I have also met many people who accommodate me, understand what it is like, and have been there for me through thick and thin.  I would especially like to thank all of my friends who have been there for me, even when times were very hard for me. Thank you for dealing with my mood swings and comforting me. You know who you are, and you have absolutely no idea how grateful I am to have you.  Because of the good that has happened, I am finding it easier to love myself, even though I always panic. I know it isn’t ‘normal’ to vomit during exams from stress, get nosebleeds from stress, or cry and shake in panic. This year I have managed to get academic accommodations to better myself, and because of that, my grades have sky-rocketed.  

    12. LOVE HAS NO BOUNDARIES

    You can love whoever your heart desires, no matter how far away they are. If someone makes your heart feel whole and happy just by being them, something must be special about them. Love someone who makes you feel like you’re special, who does cute little things for you, and expresses how important you are. Don’t give up on people you love just because of rough patches. Times can be tough, and it is difficult to have distance between two people, but remember why you loved that person in the first place, and try to think of all the happy times the future has to hold. People get busy, and that is okay; business doesn’t change love.  

    13. PEOPLE WILL JUDGE ANYTHING AND ANYONE

    Just because someone does something you may not do yourself, does not make what they are doing ‘weird’ or ‘wrong’. If you dislike smoking, don’t do it. If you dislike drinking, don’t do it. If you dislike sleeping around, don’t do it. If you couldn’t do certain things in a relationship that someone else does, don’t do those things. If you can’t imagine yourself wearing clothes someone else is wearing, don’t wear them. Just because someone else is doing that stuff, does not make them wrong or bad. It means that they have a different lifestyle than you. As long as everything is legal and no one is getting harmed, it is absolutely none of your business to judge someone’s happiness based on your own values.  The only exception to this rule is disliking people who eat sushi with a fork (kidding, of course).  

    14. ACCUTANE: CLEARS YOUR SKIN, MAKES YOU SUICIDAL

     As many of you may know, I was on Accutane for one year, three months, two weeks, and three days. My acne was so horrible and painful, and I really needed this cure to work. Unfortunately, one of the main side effects of the pill is causing depression and suicidal thoughts. For that duration of my life, everything was a blur. I do not remember that time of my life vividly because I was just so constantly sad for absolutely no reason. A week or so after getting off of the pill, I felt like my old self again, and like I woke up from a horrible curse. I am sorry for being so emotional during that year, but again, thank you to everyone who was there for me. Just know that if you consider using Accutane, prepare for living in a daze, being constantly fatigued, and crying for no reason all the time. I mean, my skin does look better now, but I am not sure I would have gone through the treatments if I would have know it would take that big of a toll on me.  

    15. GOODBYE DOESN’T MEAN FOREVER

    Rekindle old friendships. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you miss someone, let them know. What do you really have to lose? Throughout the year, I have rekindled many old friendships and I have never regretted it once. Sometimes, we are not meant to be in every chapter of a person’s life, but that doesn’t mean we can’t come back in the future. Sometimes people just need some time apart, and that seemed to be the case with me and the certain people I had lost for a bit. We just were going through two different paths in our journey into adulthood and needed time. If someone is meant to be in your life, they will always come back into it.  

    16. MAKE MEMORIES; GET INVOLVED

    I have been getting more engaged in my classes and speaking up, and getting involved with the community for a while now. I have gained a lot of knowledge, experience, and insight through my volunteer work and these classroom experienced that have helped shaped me as a person. I have been able to figure out what I like and dislike, and who I am as a person due to these things. Help your community, and by doing so, you will help yourself. Help out with at least one organization, and I promise you that the benefits you will get in return for your time outweigh any doubts you have about volunteering.  

    17. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY PETS...

    ...unless it is a hoarding issue, in which case, that is too many pets. But I truly believe that pets make all humans better people, and there is so much we can learn from animals. Surrounding myself with my pets is something that truly makes me happy. I will continue to fight for animal rights, freedom, and justice until the day I die, and will continue to protect and care for any animal I can. Even if times get tough with my pets, they will still be able to get out of their cages, eat as much as they’d like for whatever they care for, and get snuggles from me. Even though sometimes they can be expensive (medically, mostly), I will never give up on them because I am all they have. When I am blue, all I need to do is hug Fletcher and the fact that is so happy to be with me makes me happy.  Having compassion and empathy for vulnerable living creatures makes you more human than people who do not, in my opinion. It teaches you to not care for yourself, and to care for others who may depend on you. If you want a pet, adopt one, but please be sure you have the means and capacity to care for them.  

    18. GREEN DAY STILL IS, AND, ALWAYS WILL BE, THE BEST BAND EVER

    This one is a no brainer. Agree with me. Their lyrics are so relevant to my life and they have impacted me tremendously. Here is a video to prove why they are amazing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFP...

    18.5. MAC DEMARCO IS LOVE, MAC DEMARCO IS LIFE

    In the summer, I had the amazing time seeing Mac DeMarco live with two of my best friends. I absolutely love his music and his attitude and lyrics have really helped me think about my own life a lot. I’m so happy I got into his music.  

    19. FLOSS YOUR TEETH,

    TRUST ME. FLOSS. FLOSS. FLOSS. YOUR TEETH WILL FEEL AMAZING EVERY TIME, AND YOUR GUMS WILL EVENTUALLY STOP BLEEDING, I PROMISE YOU.

    20. DO NOT TAKE PEOPLE FOR GRANTED, ESPECIALLY YOURSELF

    Tell people how much they mean to you. I have realized this late in the year, and my plans for 2016 are to always let people know how much I appreciate them and love them. Life is so short and so precious, so let people know how precious they are to you. There are so many people that I value, need, and love with all of my heart. Thank you all so much for making my life so wonderful. I value each and every one of my friends, and please never think for a second that I don’t. If I ever seem like I am not doing enough, let me know, and I promise I never want to make you feel any less than how I actually feel for you. Also, recognize your strengths. Embrace your weaknesses. Set goals. Love yourself no matter what. You are capable of more than you think, remember that.    

    To end off, I would just like to once again thank everyone who has been apart of my life. I have had hardships and so many gains this year. I never thought so much self growth could be possible in one year, but it was. Thank you so much. I hope 2016 is blessed for all of us (I will probably edit in a better ending to this note in the future, but for now, I’m too tired to think)!

  17. Hey, I hope you're all well. This isn't my comeback post or anything. I just wanted to share an important milestone in my life with you.

     

    My third block class this semester is Guitar 2 and a requirement of this class is to perform in the Winter Concert. I was unaware of this when I signed up, or I probably would not have signed up. I was terrified when our teacher told us about the requirement, as I've never played for an audience before (except for my family and a few friends). The turnout last night was about 200 people. Apparently they've had way more some years, but that sounds like a heckuva lot of folks to me. We had more than enough time to learn our parts, though, so I was confident in my ability.

     

    As much as I don't like getting dressed up, I rather enjoyed being dressed up. Kinda felt nice for a change. My trio of guitar players was the second to last group to go (followed only by the excellent Jazz Band), so we had plenty of time to rehearse and stress before taking the stage. I really wasn't even nervous until I was standing sidestage, waiting for my cue. I have no clue if the other two guys were nervous or not. We played two songs: "In the Bleak Midwinter" and "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas." We were going to play "Joy to the World" too, but couldn't get ourselves together. Instead of counting off, we decided to add an "intro" to "In the Bleak Midwinter." This consisted of me playing the first four measures of the song solo and then going right back to the beginning, this time with my group playing their parts. That's right, folks. The first four measures of our whole performance were entirely in my hands. Nobody could back me up if I screwed up. That first note, that open E string, was the most nerve-wracking one-and-a-half beats of my existence. I got more comfortable when the guys jumped in. By the end of the song, I was enjoying myself. "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" was fun and easy for all of us. I'm very glad we chose to end with it. I tried looking out into the crowd on this number, but it was totally dark. Couldn't pick out a single face.

     

    My time on the stage clocked in at about three minutes, and it felt even shorter. It's too bad that we couldn't get the other song prepared in time. It would've been nice to play a bit longer. All things considered, my first live performance was a great experience. I look forward to the Spring Concert, even though I've no clue what I'll play. I'm also going to try to find a singer so that I can perform with them at the Gay-Straight Alliance's coffee house event in March. Next week during study hall, my groupmates and I are going to record "In the Bleak Midwinter" in one of the practice rooms (using my Tascam DP-006). We'll be playing separately for the recording's sake and then I'll work my multitrack magic. I'll give everybody a CD of the track when it is mixed. Keep an eye out for a SoundCloud link of that. 

     

    Below are the videos that my mom took of my trio performing.

    (If you've forgotten what I look like, I'm on the left with the stickered guitar.)

     

     

     

     

     

     

  18. Juste Bro's Blog

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    Juste Bro
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    I'm sorry, I don't have the energy or the nerves to translate my thoughts into English. But I need this out of my system.

    ----------------

    Ich will nicht mehr, ich will nicht mehr, ich will nicht mehr, ich will nicht mehr, ich kann einfach nicht mehr.

    Ich hab es satt, erwachsen zu werden. Ich habe es satt, weiterhin Teil dieser Welt zu sein. Ich habe es satt, mich diesem System zu beugen, in das ich hineingeboren wurde, ohne darum gebeten zu haben. Mit jedem Tag und mit jeder Minute, die vergeht, wird dieses Loch in meiner Brust zusammen mit der Frage nach dem “Wofür lebe ich eigentlich?” immer größer - und gleichzeitig unbedeutender.

    Die Taubheit, Gleichgültigkeit und Motivationslosigkeit nimmt langsam aber sicher Überhand, obwohl ich es zu unterdrücken und zu überspielen versuche, dann ich darf. nicht. aufhören. Ich muss weitermachen, weil die Leistungsgesellschaft, in der ich lebe, mir ein Ultimatum stellt. Wenn du nicht in der Lage bist, ein beitragendes Mitglied der Gesellschaft zu sein, bist du nichts wert. Weil meine Eltern mich nicht gern genug haben, dass ich bei ihnen wohnen bleiben darf, wenn ich nicht zur Uni gehe. 

    Mir wird alles zu viel, ich hab das Gefühl, dass ich keine einzige Prüfung bestehen werde, die Präsentationen kommen in viel zu kurzen Abständen, ich bin von Sonnenaufgang bis Sonnenuntergang in der Uni und komme abends todmüde nach Hause und fühle mich schuldig, wenn ich schlafen gehe, weil ich ja eigentlich noch etwas für die Uni erledigen müsste. Ich habe langsam den gefährlichen Punkt erreicht, an dem mir alles egal wird und dass ich mich nicht mehr genug um mich und meine Verpflichtungen kümmere. Nur um dann von allem überrannt zu werden. Ich habe ständig den Eindruck, weder schlau noch kreativ genug für das Fach zu sein, von dem ich anfangs noch so begeistert gewesen war. 

    Ich war der festen Überzeugung gewesen, dass das Fach das richtige für mich war, da es das einzige ist, das mich halbwegs interessiert und dessen Inhalte meinen Hobbys entsprechen. Dachte ich. Es gab einiges mehr, dass mich interessiert hat, doch dafür habe ich mich gar nicht erst beworben, denn - seien wir mal einen Moment ehrlich - ich hätte es sowieso nicht geschafft, in einem Fach wie Design oder Motion Pictures angenommen zu werden. Ich bin einfach nicht gut darin, nicht talentiert genug, um mitzuhalten oder um dem Mindestanspruch gerecht zu werden.

    Ich versuche, mich dazu zu zwingen, es zu mögen, weil mir keine andere Wahl bleibt. Doch wenn ich ehrlich bin, finde ich es schrecklich. Es ist überhaupt nicht das, was ich mir vorgestellt habe und ich bin enttäuschter als je zuvor. Ich habe Angst, dass ich es nicht schaffe. Was heißt Angst, es ist mehr eine bittere Gewissheit. 

    Aber wenn nicht Studium, was dann? Es gibt absolut nichts, dass ich wirklich so gut kann oder das mich so sehr interessiert, dass ich es wert bin, dafür bezahlt zu werden.

    Das einzige, was mir bleibt, ist wohl klar. Aber ich möchte es nicht aussprechen. Ich bin nicht der Typ Mensch, der sowas tut. Damals war ich strikt dagegen, hielt die Menschen, die diesen Ausweg wählen für selbstsüchtige Schwächlinge. Doch dieses schwarze Loch in mir, das mich nach und nach auffrisst, pflanzte diese Saat des Zweifels in meinem Hirn. “Vielleicht bist du tatsächlich nicht für dieses Leben gemacht.” Aber ich habe weitergemacht. Einfach so, weil es auch gute Tage gab. Doch diese schwinden immer mehr. Das Glück in mir wird durch Pflicht stranguliert. Die Pflicht ruft, Leben ist zweitrangig. Sei Kapitalist, leiste, sei eine der Personen, die du schon immer verabscheut hast. Schlucke deinen Stolz und ersticke an deiner Hoffnung. Gebe dein Herz und deine Seele ab. 
    Dieses schwarze Loch wird immer größer, genau wie der Wunsch, der Welt endlich endgültig adieu zu sagen und mich loszusagen von der Realtiät, von allem, was mich hier festhält und unglücklich macht. 

    Ich mag einfach nicht mehr und dennoch tu ich, weil ich muss. 

  19. Beethoven's Eulogy

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    Can't go to my dream school, or my top choice logical school. I've been in a depression for the past month. I didn't bother applying to the University of British Columbia, which I had been dreaming of since I was a little kid, because of green card issues. A month ago, I got in to my top choice logical school which I'm absolutely in love with- University of Pittsburgh, and I got in to the program I applied for (pharmacy). For exactly 4 days- 96 hours exactly- I was unfailingly happy, finally able to smile for the first time in months, feeling absolute joy and relief and excitement of what's to come, euphoric, knowing that I could finally escape the hell life I've lived and for once be able to start fresh somewhere I love, that everything I dreamed for was finally in my hands and becoming reality. Some of you might know my background. Essentially, the idea of going off the college and finally being free has been one of the only things keeping me sane. I remember watching the personalized Pitt acceptance video non-stop- a thousand times would be no exaggeration. I took a selfie for my snapchat story announcing my acceptance. I still have it- my eyes have never shined brighter nor has my smile ever been wider and more genuine.

    I failed to think through the logistics of my dream. I had just expected to take out student loans and be fine- I would graduate in 6 years and a pharmacist's starting salary is $100,000. However over the course of those 6 years, EXCLUDING room, board, and other expenses, adding in current interest rates, I would end up having to pay over half a million dollars worth of debt. My family has no money for me, I'm on my own. In a new state, a new city, studying a profession I don't love. I will be getting no merit awards and only very little financial aid from Pitt (the school is known to be terrible at providing aid no matter how much you need it).

    Four days after I got my acceptance to Pitt, I got my acceptance to Duquesne. I had just applied to Duquesne just because, as a safety, just a back up school that had the 6 year program, a school I never though I'd have to go to and would hate to attend but you know, just in case. They are giving me an absurd amount of money. I would be able to attend undergrad (2 years) for absolutely free (and they also gave me a few thousand to pay for on campus rooming), and also have guaranteed admission in to their Grad school (Pharmacy is super competitive and hard to get in to Grad school for, which makes Pitt also a gamble if I went) plus a continued scholarship to Grad school where I would have to pay minimal. This sounds great, except that I don't want to go there. However, I was stupid and didn't apply anywhere else since I thought I was going to Pitt, and by the time I came around, I had missed all the deadlines. Often 6 year programs such as pharmacy have their own special deadlines. I could apply regular decision to other schools, but I wouldn't get as much as I need for scholarships. I've tried applying for private scholarships- submitting essays, writing short answers, all of that stuff. It's just nor working out. I'm stuck at Duquesne.

    Maybe going to Duquesne wouldn't have be as bad if I hadn't gotten in to Pitt. But having that opportunity and not being able to take it for financial reasons is just crushing. I've spent my whole life not being able to afford things- eating reduced for quick sale stale bread and not so fresh produce, wearing hand me downs from friends, having only one pair of jeans that I had to wear all year round, never going to movies or hanging out with friends, or do anything much at all. It hasn't been until recently that things have become a bit better for my family financially. Not being able to go to the college I love because of money just broke my heart. All I wanted was to get away and go somewhere I love, and I can't even do that. I've been through so much crap and I can't even have this one thing. I'm sorry if I sound really whiny, I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around this.

    I've been trying so hard for the past month to make myself love Duquesne. I've been googling everything I can, I've been talking to Duquesne graduates and I've called the school multiple times for more information on the school, I've been looking only at the pretty pictures (google maps shows the school as just a bunch of ugly buildings in the city, not much campus at all), I've followed the school on facebook and youtube, I've set my backgrounds to the Duquesne logo- literally everything I could think of. It's not working. How am I going to spend the next 6 years looking next door to Pitt, knowing that could have been me there (Duquesne is also in Pittsburgh)? All of the research and reaching out to Duquesne grads have also only made me more wary about the school. Everyone I've talked to who have attended the school have told me that the girls at Duquesne (70% female population) are basically all rich whites who wear designer labels and don't talk to you if you don't wear the right clothes or can't afford to drink starbucks every day and whatever else they do. I know those aren't the people I would want to be friends with, but when that's basically everyone at the school, it's kind of hard to ignore. I know there has to be a few low income people like me on scholarship, but those are very few and I'd still probably be overwhelmed by all of the other girls. It's just going to be like the past 17 years of my life again- being made fun of and being the outcast because of factors stemming back to my financial situation. People who have been to Pitt however love it and tell me it's a much more open and kind environment than Duquesne, that they loved it so much more than Duquesne (I know people who have gone to both), and that the school in general is just so so so much better. I have visited Pitt's campus and it's so beautiful. My parents and I took one look at Duquesne and went gag puke nope, didn't even stop the car to get out for a better look.

    All of the people in my "friend group" at school are also judging the fuck outta me and they all still think I'm going to Pitt, nvm Duquesne. I don't really care, but in a few weeks, all I will hear and see are their acceptances into Cornell, Stanford, Princeton, Carnegie, Northwestern, UVA, Georgetown, and all of those schools. I grew up running with the best- being one of the very few people in the nation who took AP Biology freshman year etc. All of these kids have above a 2350 sat score and have well rounded resumes. This sounds so selfish and mean, but even though I'll be happy for my friends, how am I going to cope with the feeling of being left behind, of them having everything set and happy and me having everything crushed around me for the thousandths time? Where is my payoff for doing the same stuff as they do, while at the same time dealing with so much crap that this post comes nowhere near to covering? Am I going to be forever the underdog, the one that's just there, the failure who doesn't deserve to be happy? I'm a second generation immigrant that was born in China, I know I'm not meant to be happy and my role is to create the third generation which actually gets to do what they want and be happy, but can't I have anything? I've given up my dream profession for a more stable one, I've given up my country (Canada), and I might have to give up love and enter in to a loveless marriage. What do I have.

    If any of you have any advice on how I can make myself be ok with going to Duquesne, on how to not be completely shunned by everyone there, or any other advice, please comment below. I'm pretty fucked up rn.

    TL;DR- Hurry up America with the free tuition ideas and implementation.

  20. My youth group was in charge of leading the church service this morning and I offered to be the main speaker because I never shut up anyway and I figured it'd be a good opportunity to talk about some things I consider important. So that's why this is written as if I'm speaking to a congregation.

    ---

    So I'd like to start this out by quickly introducing myself to the members of this congregation who don't recognize me or know me very well. My name is Eva [insert last name]. I am a senior at West High School and have been heavily involved with this church's youth group for the past four years. I'm a percussionist, a member of the high school marching band, and I still enjoy playing Pokemon video games and watching Spider-Man cartoons. And my 18th birthday is tomorrow.

    But, honestly, I get a pretty weird feeling when I think about my birthday this year.

    I'm not saying it's a bad thing because it's definitely exciting - I've made it another 365 days, people praise me just for existing, I get to eat cake, open a few presents.

    And while those things are fun and exciting, I'm also a little scared. I don't feel old enough to be an adult - a real, official, legal adult. It just doesn't seem real. And not in one of those "It's so good and so exciting that I'm in disbelief because of just how great it is" ways. It's more of a "Oh God, I'm a legal adult and I'm graduating high school and I have to pay for college next year and live on my own for the first time and then I'll have to graduate from college and find a real job even though there are adults today who have professional degrees and are still unemployed or working at basic entry-level positions and I probably won't be able to buy a house when I'm older and I don't have a car and I barely know how to make myself dinner and I just really, really, really want to hang out with my friends and chill without having anyone mention the words 'college' or 'plans for the future' to me ever again."

    And in some ways, I believe I'm incredibly lucky to have been born in 1997 because coming of age in 2015 has definitely had some perks, but sometimes it just seems like a pain. Of course, every generation is going to have problems and misunderstandings with people who are older than them, but with the technological and social and global changes that have happened in the past 20+ years, I just think that it's incredibly hard for a lot of older people to even understand where my generation, the millennial generation, is even coming from half the time.

    Everyone I know has a cell phone and has always had a cell phone, for one thing. I knew how to use Google when I was in the 1st grade and I knew how to upload YouTube videos by the age of 11. My best friend in middle school was a girl named Alexys who lives in Toronto, Canada, and we're still friends and communicate frequently today. I met her online when I was 12. I've never met her in person.

    I've always been stressed out about college. Or rather, I've always been stressed out about paying for college. When you need a college degree to get a job these days, it feels like there are no other options - go to college or live out your life unhappy and struggling to find decent work. That's what we've been taught since elementary school. But how can we be happy about attending college when it costs $9,410 a year if you're in-state or $23,893 a year if you're out-of-state or at least $32,405 if you go to a private college and the average student debt for the class of 2016 is expected to be higher than $30,867?

    I was 11 when the 2008 recession happened. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand the current unemployment rates and how low they actually are because when I think about my childhood, no one had jobs and all the stores were closing down.

    The United States has been in war for practically my entire life. George W. Bush is the first president I can remember being in office and ignorance towards Islam is something I've had to grow up constantly hearing. And I don't remember what the world was like before 9/11. And I don't remember a world without mass shootings.

    My heart goes out to all those who were affected in Paris these past few days but it didn't shock me at all. It was just another Friday night. And that almost makes it worse.

    While I was writing this, I looked up things about the millennial generation just to brainstorm and there were a few good things written about us but there were also quite a few negative things. A few generational theories hypothesize that we are the next Me Generation, entitled, shallow, and narcissistic.

    But I don't think that's true. I think that we could be seen as entitled and shallow and narcissistic when $30,000 of student debt and mass shootings and the War on Terror are normal. Because the adults who are watching us grow up, who are parenting us, didn't grow up in 2015. To them, it may seem entitled that a majority of my generation expects to go to college. But is it a feeling of entitlement if we expect to come out of it with $30,000 of student debt? Are we entitled because we've reluctantly accepted that we need a college degree to be considered "successful" in modern America? Because when you grow up seeing anyone from high school drop-outs to adults with professional degrees unemployed because of a recession, it's hard to feel entitled to a job. It's hard to even expect to have a job.

    And are we narcissistic because we have front-facing cameras and selfies and social media? I honestly don't know where the idea that millennials are narcissistic even comes from. How are we a self-centered generation when we are the ones primarily leading and organizing the Black Lives Matter movement? My generation spends so much time educating each other on social justice issues like racial inequality, financial inequality, or transgender rights, mental health rights, and reproductive rights - just to name a few - that I honestly believe we can make a huge difference in the world.

    So I don't think we're entitled. And I definitely don't think we're narcissistic. I think we've grown up in an age of technology that other people just don't understand. I think that we're not understood because others don't realize that we've been worrying about college debt since the 3rd grade. I think so many huge economic and global events have happened in our short lifetimes that the cultural and social climate we've grown up in is completely unrecognizable to most people in more ways than they could ever imagine.

    So, with all of this in mind, tomorrow is my 18th birthday.

  21. Dirntbag's Landfill

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    Dirntbag
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    Though at present they are tremendously decayed
    my memories are brighter now than when first conveyed.
    Experience is dull, but remembering is vibrant -
    at first just thrumming vibrations in my mind, then
    coherent orchestral noise that engulfs rooms;
    upon reflection the past turns completely new.

    A continually superior high, a shade cooler,
    a path less travelled by,
    and though I could spend years in a dream,
    I know that eventually the wick of my fantasy
    will wane and I’ll be left only with
    the shadows of shadows on the walls of my cave.

    Though my body feels blue-dress clad,
    I must know I’m not in wonderland, must realize
    my life elixir is not of indefinite supply.
    I know this and yet, make a scuttling retreat
    into the dark like so many scared fish from sharks
    in the face of all that new, unexamined…

     

    Leaves curl and whither in a life without light,
    my body is exhumed. I have lived my life
    unbloomed.

     

     

    This poem was inspired by (and sort of a response to) the fictional Allen Ginsberg poem written for the movie Kill Your Darlings.

  22. GreenDayBass
    Latest Entry

    our chains were tightly weld,
    as the letters melted
    from the brim
    of our lips and exhaled
    to lovers words.

    they became vacationed;
    our  years passed
    and still, the moon's edge
    secretly wore her tattered
    perfume that arose,
    impressing our celestial sphere.

    it's as if sweetness recycled
    the rain's softness into
    an illusion that fed flower basins
    and crept mixed scents into foreign winds.

    the pastures is a place she marked
    and wept in as fragments
    of her imagination wished to
    be pieced together.

    jealousy's murmur breached
    a creation it ached for, longing to wear
    the flesh that treasured sounds of birds singing
    to the flow of a rivers drought.

    and as the bridge closes in,
    light's descent aimed beneath
    and we'd walk together
    to a rhythm of fidelity's chorus.

  23. 5th November 2015. Remember, remember, the 5th of November. I’ve had this in my mind in the coming days to today’s date, and felt a more potent significance in it than ever before. I’m not sure why, and maybe it is just a coincidence, but it has taken on real significance as I’ve just received news that one of my friends took his own life in the last few days. I’m stunned and shocked at the moment, and finding it difficult to know what to think, feel and say.

    I hope Simon has found peace now. I felt an affiliation towards him, but knew that he was troubled and it was difficult to really connect completely with him. I knew that he was a good guy and I can’t imagine what he has had to go through, along with his brother, having lost both of their parents to alcoholism a few years ago.

    My last meeting with him, I’m sad to say, was a difficult one. I made a couple of off the cuff remarks which I didn’t think were pertinent, but it struck a chord in him and he questioned me, knocking me back making me aware of how it could sound to him. I understood later from my own judgement and also confirmed by my friend that he thought I was just talking rubbish and 'taking the piss'.

    My oblivious nature makes me do or say inappropriate things some times, for which I have to take responsibility as it is borne of my sometimes reckless behaviour. I want to say I’m Sorry to Si. I wanted to say sorry when he was here, but didn’t think I could. I hope that you are reunited with your parents and can look over your brother from the peaceful place that I hope you have found. I felt I understood you from the perspective of a brother, as we both share similar sibling circumstances. I saw inside you the good person that should be able to strive for joy in life, but I also know how hard that can be. With an illness as well to deal with, I can understand how it could get too much to handle on your own. I can feel how lonely it must have been, but it hurts to think it was enough to take your own life. I wish I could’ve helped.

  24. DO YOU WANT TO PLAY GAMES FOR 24 HOURS?! :ga: 

    Whhhoooooooooooooooooo wants to participate in an awesome campaign for the children's hospital of your choice? :woot: 

    The Extra Life campaign is open, and you can sign up to play video games for 24 hours to raise money for your chosen hospital. They don't have to be PS4 or Xbox games, either. Play whatever you want! If you want to play a game of monopoly, or Flappy Bird on your phone, go for it! It all counts. :D

    If you wish to sign up for this year's game day (Which is November 7th) Go here -> http://www.extra-life.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=cms.page&id=1197 

    Allllsssssoooo, if you would be so kind to donate to my donation pool, no ammount is too low. If all you can give is 5 cents, then that's 5 cents more than I had before. I'm sponsoring the Children's Hopsital of Denver, Colorado.  http://www.extra-life.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=account.profile 

    If you're already signed up, or plan on doing so, let me know and I'll spam the internet seeking donations for ya ;)