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  1. Lone
    Latest Entry

    By Lone,

    10 Most popular topics for 2017
    1) The Green Day Fangirls' Confessions Thread - 10,413 posts
    2) Green Day Instagram Photos - 4,363 posts
    3) Random Green Day Thoughts - 2,540 posts
    4) New shows setlist discussion - 1,961 posts
    5) Donald Trump wins election - 1,933 posts
    6) Blasphemy & Genocide: Unpopular Green Day Opinions, Part 2 - 1,802 posts
    7) Random Thoughts - 1,506 posts
    8) Green Day announce new greatest hits album �God�s Favourite Band� � featuring new song - 1,303 posts
    9) Random Green Day News - 1,175 posts
    10) Revolution Radio Promotion and Commercial Performance - 975 posts

    Top 5 Most Active Members
    desertrose (4,335 posts)
    Jane Lannister (4,075 posts)
    SHART (3,350 posts)
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    Top 5 Most Liked Posts
    This post by Fuzz in Green Day, Manager Pat Magnarella Part After 21 Years
    This post by Stefano Bras in 2017/02/08 - O2 Arena, London, United Kingdom
    This post by Todd in Original Version of "Geek Stink Breath" by Pinhead Gunpowder
    This post by Billie Hoe in Have you met Green Day?
    This post by luketrebilliemike in 2017/02/08 - O2 Arena, London, United Kingdom

    Top 5 Most Viewed Blog Posts
    Update on my dad (1,352 views)
    4.09 In Your Coffee(maker) (1,232 views)
    Top 50 influential albums (1,025 views)
    Billie Joe Conspiracy Theories (769 views)
    My first concert (735 views)

    Stats
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  2. I made some art based on some songs by The Network. Sketches+1.pngSketches+5.pngSketches+4.png

  3. My Blog

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    Recent Entries

    G-L-O-R-I-A
    Latest Entry

    So I've decided to write a blog, just because sometimes when you're angry or sad or hating life or whatever, it helps to just write stuff down. People might read this, or they might not, and that's okay - I don't care who sees this, I just want to vent.

     

    So today was another shitty day. I spent most of it laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling, willing it to cave in on my head and crush me to death. It didn't happen (obviously). I wish it had.

    Today was also the day that I finally told my mam that I want to die. I didn't tell her that I was suicidal, but I told her I want to die. She just brushed it off. I don't think she understands. She'll never understand. Nobody understands. I also told her that I wish my dad would just leave and never come back. I don't necessarily want him dead or anything, I just want him gone. I know that makes me sound like an ungrateful child and a terrible daughter (and to an extent, I am both), but it's true. I want him gone, but in reality, I know that my situation would be even worse without him, so that's just totally impractical anyway.

    Furthermore, I've finally come to the realisation that I can't live in a world where there are other human beings. I find myself wishing we were extinct, every single day. That's how I know I'm fucked up - you don't get more insane than wanting your entire species dead lol. Aside from a few people who I absolutely adore, and a few others who I admire for different reasons, I hate human beings. I hate how they're selfish, ignorant, hypocritical liars who are perfectly okay with being slaves to money. I hate how they try and force their opinions onto me, regardless of whether it's a petty opinion or an important one. I hate how they make assumptions. I hate how they think that I actually want to be around them. I hate how they're so self-absorbed that they don't even try to understand others. I hate that they don't even recognise their mistakes, let alone take responsibility for them. I hate how they're unnecessarily bitchy. I hate how they love the sound of their own voices too much and never know when to shut the fuck up. I hate that they talk down to me. I hate that they're totally unapologetic (and sometimes even totally oblivious) to all of this. But most of all, I hate that these qualities appear to actually be valued by other people too.

    On the other hand, I hate it when people do understand. I hate it when they're nice to me and when they try to help. I hate it when they know/remember stuff about me and pay attention rather than being ignorant. I hate it when people say they actually like me or when they speak highly of me. I hate that they can't see what a shitty person I am.

    I hate seeing people happy, but I hate seeing them sad too. I hate everything they do. I hate them all, and it's all on me. Because I'm a literal walking contradiction, and I think that's what got me into this mess.

  4. Sup

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    Brooklyn Baby
    Latest Entry

    Hi!!

    I have a request!

    I'm going through all my photos and trying to make sense of the insane amount of pictures I have, with the goal of making some photo albums. I realized I lost all of the pictures I had of me + the gang (aka the circle-jerk crew) from the time we all met up in Cleveland a few years back. I think I might have deleted what I had in a fit of rage or something, idk. Anyway, if anyone has any of those pics, would you mind sending them to me? My Green Day phase was such a fun time in my life and I'd really like to have the pictures for my photo project!

    I can't remember anyone's username on here anymore so if someone who's savvier than me could tag Alissa, Steve, Hannah, Eva, Carling, and WHOEVER ELSE WAS THERE and might have pics, I'd appreciate it! Thanks so much guys xoxoxo

  5. BetterThanAir
    Latest Entry

    This year has been a rocky one for me, hence my absence here on GDC. I still miss you all and lurk when I can. I figured I'd give you all an update if you're interested.

    • Ricki passed away on April 14th, and I've cried every single day since then. For those of you who don't know, Ricki was my cat who was almost twenty-two years old. He was my best friend and got me through so much in my life. To live through his legacy, I've created a non-profit to raise funds for senior pets in need of medications or medical procedures in my area. It'd mean a lot to me if you could like his Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Ricki.and.Friends/
    • I finally graduated University. A photo is in the Photo Thread. :) 
    • I am currently working four jobs. I'm very tired.
    • I have recently signed up for pole fitness to build my confidence and get my old body back. I hope it goes well. 
    • My stomach disease has really taken over my life. I was not approved for surgery, so I am taking tons of medications for that, as well as my other medical issues. My medications have made me bloat bigger than I have ever been in five years. My self confidence has been shot down, and I have resulted in self-harm as of recently. It isn't something I am proud of, but I am seeking help for this.
    • I applied for my Master's degree in New York to be closer to Tom. :)
    • I am also completing my licensing exam to be a social worker in New York to be closer to Tom. <3 I miss him very much every day. 

    Uhhh other that that I'm not sure what else to say!

  6. It was my last day of training in my new job when tickets went on sale. Our trainer set us up to go for different shows: some for Washington, some for Baltimore. The biggest venue The Longshot was playing had a capacity of 750. Even with a committed team of not-so-professionals, this wasn’t going to be easy.

    People must have wondered what the hell we were doing in the training room, because I was screaming and it was infectious. I had Washington. Two of us had Washington. Baltimore was gone before I could even switch tabs.

    ‘Sam has Baltimore!’

    Sam did indeed have Baltimore. I ran to and fro with my card. I’d forgotten my Ticketfly password and had to make a new account. My heart was still pounding when it was all over. I expected something to go wrong. There’d be some reason I couldn’t keep the tickets.

    I ran into the canteen to text my mum and my partner. They’d both panicked and bought Washington tickets too. It turned out it didn’t even sell out for an hour and a half. Still, there was a two ticket limit per person for every show, and the only reason ours weren’t cancelled out was that I accidentally entered the address I no longer lived at in Cornwall.

    It was a week until we left when I began to feel so ill I could barely even look at my screen. When it got worse, I took the afternoon off and went to my GP. I never get sick. I once went to work photographing kids with swine flu. This was bad. The doctor debated sending me to hospital because I was so dehydrated, but eventually sent me home with a bag of medication. As I spent the evening throwing up, all I could think of was the shows. It wasn’t about the money I’d lose. It was about the opportunity I’d never have again. I absolutely adore Love is for Losers – as much as anything Green Day have released – and the thought of not making it left me feeling very angry with whoever gave me the bug.

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    I got a suitcase in my hand, don't even know just where I am 🎶

    I made it to East Midlands Airport. I’ve done some stupid things, but getting on a plane this unwell is somewhere at the top. Still, there was no way I was giving this trip up. Landed successfully in Dublin. So far, so good.

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    OK, I think it’s funny now, but I’ll admit that night in Dublin was bad. I was scared I wouldn’t get out of the bathroom for long enough to check in. With my mum’s encouragement I did. Somehow we were through security. I was feeling slightly better. The next hurdle was US preclearance. We had under an hour to clear, and we knew my mum would be detained, because she always is for no apparent reason. I rushed through separately so I could speak to the gate staff.

    ‘What’s the purpose of your trip?’

    ‘What?’

    ‘I said, what’s the purpose of your trip?’

    ‘Oh. I’m going to see a Green Day side band, mate.’

    I had never received such a glare of hatred from a Homeland Security officer until then. He stamped my passport and let me through without a word. No sign of my mum. It would probably be OK, the gate staff said. Probably.

    They were late boarding. She reappeared with time to spare. We were on the plane. It was too late for them to throw me off if I suddenly got worse, but it seemed like the Dublin episode was the last of it. That was some high quality relief.

    Newburgh Stewart Airport looked less like a barn miles from civilization in the sun. I watched suburbs pass where ‘VOTE’ signs sprouted from the grass, crammed into every corner until they dissolved into the open highway. In the middle of nowhere, a huge, glass-fronted hotel rose from a clearing. That’s America.

    I’d never been to New York City in summer. It was reminiscent of trying to run for a bus on Falmouth High Street after 9am, when all the tourists have woken up. We walked to Nintendo World and bought caught a Blastoise. It took longer than we expected and we realised we couldn’t make it to the Megabus stop in time if we walked. We unsuccessfully flagged down yellow cabs until a minibus stopped. He got us there just in time. Of course, the Megabus was an hour late and the minibus adventure was unnecessary.

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    You haven’t experienced America until you’ve stood on roaches, sweating 10 litres, in line for an overbooked Megabus that’s an hour late

    I fell asleep at some point on an anonymous highway (on the bus, not off it). When I woke up, the sun had gone down and the bus was creeping through dimmed city lights. Clean streets were washed pink by the night-time glow. We pulled in to a strange bus station, like a parking lot, under Union Station. While my mum went for a cigarette, we made friends with a lady called Elizabeth who asked if we knew Meghan Markle or Princess Diana. Wherever we go in America, the Diana question is national.

    We walked through streets of columned buildings to my mum’s first Walmart. While I stared aimlessly at cheese, probably having forgotten my own name, a guy asked where I was from and learned about The Longshot. I grabbed two packs of honey buns, some strawberry M&Ms for Sam – the hero behind our Baltimore tickets – and red velvet Oreos to take home. Finding a stupid supermarket: success.

    The receptionist at our hotel thought we were a couple, and wanted to change our room so we weren’t in a double bed. Eventually he decided we looked alike and gave us the key. Mate, I’m not from Sutton-in-Ashfield.

    It was a hot, sticky day when we went out to wander. We scoped out the 750-capacity Black Cat, the dodgiest building on a fancy street. There was definitely no-one camping out 36 hours in advance, so we walked on to the White House.

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    The White House was well fenced off, with police patrolling the street outside. Photographing and marvelling at it was a strange bunch: indifferent tourists, students and news crews filming, and sunburnt, middle-aged men in completely non-ironic Make America Great Again hats. It was hot and crowded (and the MAGA hats looked contagious), so we didn’t hang around.

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    DC was more like a British city than anywhere else we’d visited in America. Like a cleaner, American London. There was something quite emotional for me about visiting the capital city of my favourite country. The first time I went to America we actually landed in DC. I was 16 and Homeland Security made me cry. They held us up so long we missed our connecting flight to Phoenix and met Cone McCaslin from Sum 41. It was quite nice to make it out of the airport, having seen the last of Homeland Security in Dublin.

    It especially got me at the World War II Monument, looking up at the pillars that marked the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, and the names of all the states. I know it has its (huge) faults, and I’m not a stupid European who naively believes in the American dream. I will probably die getting shot in America. But from Wisconsin to New Mexico, wherever I go (except LA), it’s my favourite place in the world. One day I will make it all the way out to Hawaii. OK, I’ll go back to laughing at America now.

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    The last stop on our tourist expedition was the United States Capitol. Everything had long shut by the time we arrived. The sun was setting, tinting it all gold.

    We returned to The Walmart™ before we headed back, re-emerging with a camping chair, battery-powered fan and sun umbrella. We were ready.

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    It was nearly 11pm and there was still no line at the Black Cat. The street was packed with clubbers now. I’d probably have got stabbed with a stiletto if I’d rolled out my sleeping bag. We hesitated before going back to sleep and returning at 6am. I was eighth in line, behind Meri from Finland who we’d seen all over the world on the Revolution Radio Tour.

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    The first few hours passed quickly. We made friends with a fellow Maria, who’d brought her twelve year-old son Daniel. He bonded with eight year-old Chase from North Carolina. Both of them had been on stage with Green Day and couldn’t wait to see Billie Joe again. There were fans from Canada, the Netherlands, Italy, England, Germany and Australia behind us. Most were hardcore fans, as you might expect at a side project show, but there were lots of casual fans too.

    Once the sun reached its peak in the sky and shade receded, the hours began to drag. I spent a lot of time shoving my face in free ice water from Peet’s Coffee. Chase gave us all fabulous Longshot tattoos with a sharpie – and Maria gave Daniel some incredible, detailed Green Day ones – though in the afternoon they all began to melt off. I was very glad for the fan and sun umbrella. Best $20 I’ve ever spent. I was glad, too, that the stomach bug seemed to have finally disappeared completely. Only just in time, but I made it. It felt like coming home. The fact we’d be seeing The Longshot, these songs Billie randomly decided to bless us with, in such a small venue that night, was still surreal. We were incredibly lucky, and I was struggling to believe it wasn’t all just a big joke. Maybe we were actually seeing Green Date.

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    Future rockers of America waiting for The Longshot

    Half an hour before doors, staff checked ID and stamped our hands. The stamps were our tickets. I was frightened mine might melt off like Chase’s tattoo. Outside of our little groups, the atmosphere was hostile now. Thankfully, they let us into the air conditioning early, lining us up in a corridor before the stairs. I was shocked how calmly everyone filed in. It was even more of a shock, then, when they called us up early. Now it was, as usual, every man for himself. I was sitting on the floor and before I even registered what was going on, feet were thundering past me. My mum had gone to sit down and was nowhere in sight. I leapt up, joining the stampede up the stairs. Staff screamed at us not to run but no one listened. We crashed into the front row in the exact order of the line. I was up in front of Kevin Preston’s mic. My mum was still nowhere to be seen. Carling and Lindsay from Canada helped wave to her and we ushered her in. Panic over. Now, resting our arms on the stage with no barrier, only the amps between us and the band – it seemed at least real enough to know it wasn’t some huge joke.

    It seemed an agonisingly long wait for The Trashbags. Then they were gone, their kit was dragged off and replaced with a shiny Ludwig kit that read ‘The Longshot.’ In the meantime, Billie opened the door behind the stage, stared at us and shut it again.

    This was real.

    It wasn’t like Green Day, where Billie Joe is the final, dramatic entrance. The four of them strolled on stage together, smiling and waving to the crowd mere inches from them. I was staring in disbelief at Billie, at Kevin and his setlist taped to the amp in front of me, at David behind the Longshot kit that looked so new – like it was. They tore straight into Kill Your Friends. We were slammed into the stage in a surge I’d only ever experienced in England. All the tourist attractions we’d seen yesterday were long gone. The four walls that packed us in could have been anywhere. It might as well have been England, or maybe it was Washington DC. I’d felt like I was watching Green Day through a thick screen before, many times. Somehow, so close I could see the smallest features on their faces, this seemed more dreamlike than ever. Devil’s Kind was a song I’d listened to on YouTube. Not screaming the words back at Billie in a sweaty club. By Taxi Driver, I was jumping on people’s feet and they were jumping on mine. I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t care. I don’t think anyone cared. It certainly didn’t silence the collective voice screaming the words: ‘taxi driver, I’m rolling, taxi driver!’

    Next up was Happiness. I remember looking round at my mum and her face was just alight with, quite literally, happiness. Billie yelled ‘oh my God, I fucked up the lyrics!’ but that might as well have been the actual line, it mattered so little. The crowd sung along as a raucous chorus to Rockaway Beach.

    Then it was straight into Soul Surrender. There was emotion in Billie Joe’s eyes and voice I’d never known before. These songs resonated deeply with me, too and I felt connected to the band in a way I’d also never experienced, at any show, before. I keep saying it was surreal, but it was.

    ‘This is another cover song, this song was done by a band I saw play when I was 15 years old, in San Francisco…’

    I screamed because I knew this was Bastards of Young. Annabelle introduced me to The Replacements when we got together, and I’ve loved them ever since. I’d never, ever dreamed I’d see any member of Green Day playing a Replacements song. And it was perfect. Paul Westerberg would be proud of his #1 fan.

    Billie Joe sang As Tears Go By with his eyes closed. It was clear it meant a lot to him, and the emotional way he played it meant everyone in the room felt whatever he felt too. Cult Hero was a proper banger. Even the Longshot songs that weren’t my favourites were more incredible live than I could ever have imagined. Now I had memories I’d recall every time I heard them.

    I knew they were going to play Fell For You. I could see it on the setlist in front of me. But this is one of my favourite songs of all time. It was released at a poignant time for me, when I was in my first relationship with someone who really shouldn’t have fallen for me. I’d dreamed of seeing it live since the first time I heard it. I thought that was far less likely than any Replacements song – they were probably more likely to cover Destiny’s Child. Nothing could have prepared me for it. I was losing my voice, in tears at this point. Billie caught my eye and gave me the cutest smile. I know he doesn’t have a clue how any of us feel – but I’ll say again, it’s a connection I’ve never experienced with any other musician.

    Out of the corner of my eye I could see Bill Schneider filming. We didn’t know, but our phones were buzzing in my mum’s bag with our friends telling us they could see us on the live stream. Sadly, I don’t think it’s saved anywhere so I never got to see it.

    Whilst few people knew Walking Out On Love, it fit so well with the theme of Love is for Losers. Billie was really into it when he was in the American Idiot musical (in fact, I think they played it several times in a row at the closing night’s after party). We’d seen Green Day play it once then and I still knew the lyrics, which seemed to amuse Billie.

    Body Bag was beautiful in a way a studio version just can’t capture. At the first chords of Love is for Losers, the whole crowd erupted into a screaming, dancing mess. We could have been 65,000 people in Emirates Stadium. Maybe it was after the lull of Body Bag – or maybe it was that we’ve all been there, searching the winter for the bride of Frankenstein with our delusions of lost love. In that line Billie Joe widened his eyes and spread his hands, playing the Frankenstein part. What a loser.

    Turn Me Loose is, just slightly ahead of Chasing a Ghost, my favourite Longshot song. Seeing it live was everything I expected it to be, from the thumping drums to the emotion in ‘so turn me loose, but don’t call me a loser with dumb tattoos.’ Billie Joe stage dived and at some point I was pushing him off my head. What a time. Have you listened to Turn Me Loose? You should.

    I was still innocent then. Before the Ultimate Trauma 2k18. A stray fan landed on the stage as they began Stay the Night. Then another. Then another. Billie beckoned more. My hair was soon being grabbed. My mum was being kicked and punched. People were trying to push her down. Kids with no idea how to crowd surf were flailing and hurting people. Once they got up, they whipped their phones out for selfies. The crowd that seemed so unified earlier, that one collective voice, no longer cared who they hurt. They just had to get to Billie Joe. It continued through I Fought the Law to Chasing a Ghost. The stream of bodies was incessant. There was no room left on the stage. Kevin and Jeff Matika were out of sight. Billie was on the floor, three strings broken, asking ‘what the fuck?’ – but like true professionals, the music continued uninterrupted. Some guy had his hands around my mum’s neck. When I wrenched another guy’s fingers off her, he yelled ‘relax, slut!’

    The kicking and punching continued until she was slumped, unconscious, over the amp. They still didn’t stop. Eventually, Carling managed to alert a staff member. To get her out, he had to shine his torch in their eyes and fight through them. In the meantime, fans on the front row were helping Billie up. When Chasing a Ghost finished and the band disappeared, we watched, completely stunned, as staff ushered fans back into the crowd. My mum and I have a pact that if something happens to one of us, the other has to stay on the front row. I hadn’t even processed what had happened yet, except that her smile so bright it lit up the room was gone.

    I don’t want to vilify everyone who was up there. Nor do I want to lie or exaggerate to prove my point. It’s a wonderful idea, and a concept I have no doubt Billie loves. I know some went up just to dance or stage dive and caused no harm. But I’ve seen the ones who did touting it as everything from ‘punk’ to ‘love,’ and as someone who’s been to many loving, but still violent, punk shows – this was 95% a rush to get to Billie Joe. No one was hurt in the name of punk. They were hurt by rabid fans.

    The band returned for the encore unfazed. Billie announced ‘fuck it, Love is for Losers one more time!’ and they played it again. It seemed a bizarre moment frozen in time that embodied the confusion of what just happened. I think I just stared blankly at the band in Ziggy Stardust. This night was surreal enough without 50 asses in my face.

    The show ended with Kiss Me Deadly. This was originally going to be me and Annabelle’s first dance song. I remember watching videos of Billie playing just the intro at Soundwave in Australia, and thinking just hearing grainy audio of him playing that was enough. But I was standing there, in Washington DC, just a few metres from him and hearing it in full.

    What a night.

    Me and Meri found my mum outside. While the staff guy helped her, apparently some girl from the stage took photos of her because she thought it was funny. Fans of various nationalities approached her, broken because their show was ruined and they knew she’d understand. Now I’m home it’s only a damper on my memories, but at the time it was awful to see.

    We said goodbye to Meri, thanked Taylor from Ohio for storing our camping chair in her car, and headed to Union Station. As upset as my mum was, she’s 59 and she’d just got knocked out, and she was just chilling off to Baltimore. I know there are a lot of kids bitching that she shouldn’t be at punk shows right now, but I think she’s more punk than all of us.

    People from Baltimore told us not to line up before the sun rose. An employee was apparently murdered outside the Ottobar. Everyone else said they’d get some sleep. I’d read the stuff about how Baltimore is the most dangerous city in America. I still thought they were having us on. You know what Green Day fans are like.

    We stepped off the train into a grubby station. A cop asked us if we were alright. As our Uber approached the Ottobar, we could see the street was completely deserted. They were not having us on. Our driver unloaded our luggage, unfazed by these morons about to set up for the night with a camping chair. Then he left. We were alone with some roaches and all our luggage. It was clear from the dirty street of squat buildings that this was not DC. A police car screeched past, sirens blaring. We were finally going to die. But what if we went to our Airbnb and 10 people arrived? We tried to hide ourselves behind a tree and I shoved our luggage into the shadows with the roaches. A bench I’d seen on Google Maps that said ‘BALTIMORE’ on it was opposite us, which improved the whole scene.

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    The moment I knew I was going to die for a stupid band, at 4am on a street in Baltimore, Maryland

    A potential murderer ambled aimlessly past us. Another stumbled down the street. Murderer? No, he was with a woman and they were trying to hitchhike. A few expensive cars (meaning they could afford to shoot us?) passed. Then there was total silence. I kept hoping other fans would come. None did. Eventually, more headlights glowed in the distance. They approached slowly. It was a big vehicle. Oh God. This was it. It wasn’t just one murderer, it was a bus full of them.

    ‘Why is it driving so slowly? Are they going to get out and kill us?’

    My mum squinted at it. ‘It looks like a tourbus.’

    ‘Why has it slowed down again? We’re going to die.’

    We sat with bated breath awaiting our doom. Even the roaches, startled by the lights, stopped scurrying.

    ‘It’s stopping right here! It’s actually murderers!’

    ‘I’m sure that’s the Longshot bus.’

    The murder mobile slowed to a halt. Then it turned into the Ottobar. Singing floated around the corner. This was officially one of my most stupid moments: being alone on this street in Baltimore, Maryland with just The Longshot, whose tourbus I thought was a murder wagon.

    As 6am got closer, commuters began to cycle past. A man cheerily said ‘morning!’ as if it was standard to find English people there with a sleeping bag and camping chair. We replied ‘morning!’ as if it was our daily routine.

    The first fans arrived shortly afterwards. I recognised one guy from Green Day’s Rose Bowl show. Rescue at last. I’m kind of glad we had the murder wagon experience tho. It made a good story.

    Soon venue staff told us we were queuing at the wrong door. They directed us to another door in front of the bus. It was still running and pumping heat at us. Rude.

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    The above three photos were stolen from @thisisjoyjoyjoy xo

    I spent much of the day laying on my sleeping bag, under the sun umbrella with the Walmart fan in my face. Kevin and David got off the bus, waving as they passed. At some point I must have fallen asleep. I woke up abruptly to feet in front of me. There was a guy with a Blue replica. I sat up. The bus door opened. Billie stepped out.

    ‘Hey.’

    Me, summed up: sitting on my sleeping bag, three-day-old eyeliner on, just staring groggily at the musician I’d come to see. He let the Blue guy have a photo, then Bill Schneider announced they had to meet someone. No one swarmed him or tried to follow as they left. That was a refreshing change. They passed by again later, waving before they went in for soundcheck.

    When venue staff accidentally left the door ajar, we were greeted by the first chords of Love is for Losers. It was surreal all over again; hard to believe it was really The Longshot in there, not just the album we’d been listening to on repeat. Bill passed, my mum joked ‘no, don’t close it!’ and he was kind enough to actually leave it open for us. Fans pressed their ears to the wall to identify the next song. It took me a while, because I didn’t expect it. It was Fever Blister. My favourite of the b-sides Billie released on Soundcloud, I never expected to hear that, either. Too much for my cold, dark heart, guys. Too much. Then a venue man came by and undid Bill’s hospitality. We could still make out Taxi Driver.

    Staff checked my passport and stamped our hands. A man stepped aside and said ‘nearly there.’ The room was completely empty. It was the first time I’d ever walked onto an empty floor with no rapidly approaching stampede behind me. I’d never been quite front centre either. Folding my arms over the amp in front of Billie’s mic was an emotional time. My mum was on one side and Taylor on the other, followed by her friend Alex, Meri and little Chase and his mum. Raiishelle from Australia snapped a photo of us from the balcony. It was such a good feeling to be at a tiny show with so many of my old and new friends.

    32443556_1883209388389795_68713876055696

    Photo stolen from @_greendaytrash

    During The Trashbags’ set, Billie peeked through the backstage curtain, pulled a face at my mum, waved and disappeared again. Murderer.

    The thrill of the drum intro to Kill Your Friends hadn’t worn off. It wound up the crowd like a clockwork toy. One verse in and we were this meme personified. But no one flinched. Billie demanded we clapped to Devil’s Kind. The crowd obeyed in force. I had no room to breathe, let alone jump, but I still was. It was impossible not to. This was what these shows were all about: nothing but the band, the crowd and passion. My voice was already hoarse. As we all screamed along to Taxi Driver, I looked at the faces around me and up on the stage; and not one was filled with anything but joy.

    ‘She’s my soul defender, don’t be so uptight! I… oh shit!’ Billie laughed, turned away and before he spun back round, saying ‘I got it! I got it, I swear!’ the crowd was already filling in for him: ‘just me and my imagination! I swear I think I saw a ghost!’

    Soul Surrender is, to me, an incredibly intimate song. A lot of The Longshot’s tracks are. Yet there was nothing uncomfortable for me, the band, anyone about sharing them with the other 350-or-so people in that room. Whatever our backgrounds, whatever we got from that show, we were experiencing it all together. It’s weird – I’ll never see most of those people again, yet in those sweaty crowds, we subconsciously learn so much about each other people in our ‘real lives’ will never see. ‘Send me a message through the window…’

    I could process Bastards of Young better this time. I think I knew, now, I wasn’t dreaming. I’d seen The Replacements play it in London, now I was seeing The Longshot play it in a shitty bar in Baltimore, Maryland. After the song I yelled ‘Wild One!’ as a request. Billie just replied ‘I could say the same thing about you’ before slapping his nose and adding ‘next time bring me a [something I have no hope of ever deciphering].’ Whatever, murderer.

    As Tears Go By hit me even harder that night. ‘My riches can’t buy everything. I want to hear the children sing…’ That line went over my head listening at home, but hearing it there – it almost brought tears to my eyes.

    Screaming ‘I got my darkest secrets and whispers at the moon, where all the stars never align!’ back at the band, it seemed impossible I had a life outside these walls to go back to. Whoever it was, we were celebrating a literal Cult Hero, in a sweaty ritual only those 300-and-something people would ever know.

    Billie repeatedly yelled ‘fuck DC!’ and ngl I cheered. This crowd was equally rough, if not more so, but far less rabid. Sure, I’m bruised all over, but it was from people just having fun.

    I had no excuse for squealing at Fell For You this time. I still did tho. I think I terrified the people around me. Soz guys. Apparently there are two things in life I’ll cry about: Rose Bowl security, and seeing stupid bands play my favourite songs. But seriously, if the murder wagon ran me down then, at least I’d seen Fell For You.

    Walking Out On Love tied all my memories together in this stupid theme of Love is for Losers that resonated with me so much. Able to take it all in so much more, I realised how perfect Body Bag’s place in the setlist is: a bittersweet lament after the bop that’s Walking Out On Love and before Love is for Losers, which is actually heartbreaking but so catchy and fun you’d never know.

    People think American crowds can’t match the British. But this tiny crowd’s chorus of ‘heeeeey-eeeeey-ey-ey-ey!’ to the intro to Turn Me Loose could have been a stadium packed with the worst of us. Billie replaced ‘for the record and the afterlife’ with a roar of ‘for the record I ain’t gonna take no shit from anybody!’ that was smooth enough to be fun, but emotional enough to make that line more poignant. When Billie stage dived he landed right on my head. My face was just smashing into the amp over and over. Murderer.

    33141043_304636663405886_479621148434445

    Premium content: Billie Joe Armstrong giving me a concussion. 📷: @bjguitars

    Stay the Night was a song I associated with stadiums and arenas; with Green Day’s huge performance and blinding lights. It was the exact same song, the same experience, yet completely different at the same time

    Billie introduced Chasing a Ghost and announced ‘do what you want, come up here, I don’t give a shit.’ I will not lie, there was an audible groan from the left side of the crowd. But this was so much more in the spirit of ‘punk’ the DC fans preached about. Rabid people clawing their way up were in the minority. A lot more helped each other and went another way if someone got hurt. I was diagonal against the stage when Billie gestured to us for help before he fell off. Hey, we actually saw most of Chasing a Ghost this time.

    They returned for the encore with Fever Blister. The rumble of the soundcheck came to life. It was the crowd’s last furious dance before Ziggy Stardust, when they preferred to respectfully nod their heads. Then Billie was playing the first chords of Kiss Me Deadly and I knew this dream was nearly over. These were two of the best nights of my life. I knew that too.

    My life that seemed so distant was staring me in the face again. But it was OK. This would live in my heart forever.

    We said goodbye to our friends, old and new, and hurried back to our Airbnb to sleep before the journey home. I didn’t feel like I hadn’t slept since 4am the previous day. I felt like I never needed to sleep again. Of course, I did sleep. I woke up with a concussion. I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t been concussed after a stage dive in 2013. Thanks mate, now I get to tell the story of Billie Joe the murderer giving me a concussion.

    Our Greyhound stopped in Wilmington, Delaware so I got off just to say I’d been to Delaware (of course I did). Raiishelle was on the same bus and we got to discuss the shows again, standing in front of an escalator in Port Authority. I promised I’d see her again at a show in Australia. Hold me 2 it, kids. It is my big stupid dream and one day I will do it.

    I needed one more thing to make this trip complete. I left my mum in Walgreen’s and crashed into the first tattoo studio I found. It crossed my mind that this would be the day I lost a limb, but no. My artist, Lee, made a great job of a design I drew on the Greyhound. When I told him it was a Green Day song, he said so many people had come to him to have Billie’s autograph tattooed while American Idiot was on Broadway he wished they’d go somewhere else.

    32526495_244126499656103_120120327638561

    We flew to Dublin, then flew to Birmingham, then got a National Express and a train home. A reasonably short journey by our standards. I went to work the next day, ringing up passengers with my concussion, and it all seemed so surreal. It’s a bit like New York City – the gateway to my most stupid, but best adventures. It holds you, in its embrace of neon lights and towering buildings; then they fade and crumble to warehouses and empty parking lots, and it lets you go. It’s almost as if it never happened. But the skyline glittering in the distance reminds you it did.

    Like my bruises, my memories, the guitar pick I found on the floor. We all got our delusions.

    I’m a loser with dumb tattoos. But for the record and the afterlife, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  7. It's been a while; I have a lot of lyrics tucked away since last time. Figured I'd still post them here since I've gotten support/a few followers here. I'll try to post once a day until I'm out, if I have time. Enjoy.

     

    Bottleneck Hour

     

    Rituals begun in survival of the fittest

    Trip in the ditch before the race is finished

    Cut through the gut in the screen supreme

    Down my venom; what the fuck you mean?

    Duopoly under your data-filed contract

    Microscope subversion in your foreign contact

    Meddle in the ways of the laws of the wild

    Suck on the coast of the same old style

     

    Chorus:

    Some people fall to the floor in the street

    the blocks of where the nations meet

    Stairway to the top, empire in hand

    you're a stepping stone to your fellow man

     

    Bottleneck hour, the time has come

    the element is treated more than its sum

    With a wrench to fix and dismantle at will

    rock the boat until it's time to get ill

    Crystal cave reflections, the monarch hides

    from the cattle he knows are way inside

    Fear the cornerstone, enter the frame

    when you rig against who owns the game

     

    (Chorus)

     

    Survival of the fittest

    Origin of your finest

    Paragon of your witness

    Who climbs the highest?

     

    The reach of your vibe combines the rules,

    the equilateral nature vaporizes from your tools

    Area of effect, the ambivalent steam

    Monopolize the act of living and what life means

    Blackmail the sockets then vanish in the sun

    make the coin then vanish at the end of a gun

    It's all for one, the rest have none

    Every skydive into your dreams is a race that's begun

     

    (Chorus)

     

    Survival of the fittest

    Survival of the fittest

  8. Makingyourmascarableed
    Latest Entry

    Okay so I was one of the lucky few to have gotten tickets to The Longshot. Twice. 

    The first ticket was actually bought by my partner and I gave him my information because I needed just one ticket for myself.

    The second ticket happened Tuesday afternoon on the line as I was waiting to get in.

    Let's recap with Tuesday 5/22:

    • Get up at 6:00 AM and I’m at the venue at 7:30 AM
    • There’s six people in front of me which was surprising but this is also the fact it was raining on and off today (and the fact it’s not technically Green Day despite Billie being the front man and Jeff being there too)
    • People behind me start showing up sporadically between 11 AM and onward. There wasn’t 20 people around until about 3 PM? Maybe even later?
    • Load in happens with the crew
    • Throughout load in, we get a notification that they released 30 tickets for that night and Wednesday shows. I get a Wednesday ticket. 
    • Black car pulls up about a hour after. Billie is the first to come out. An unintelligible yell comes out my mouth but also everyone on line is screaming too. 
      • Side note: Actually very good looking human being and the fluff is real.
    • Soundcheck happens and then Jeff comes out but walks down the block and away from us. 
    • Billie comes out and a few people in front of me are calmly and quietly asking for photos (and people slowly begin to notice). So I made myself seen by Billie and I said something of the fact “I’ve been here since 7:30 AM may I please have a photo?” And we did make eye contact and mini acknowledge that I was to be next. Then this woman who was a few people away shoves me and goes underneath the sanction rope and then everyone starts swarming and pushing him more to his car. And then he says he’s sorry he can’t take any more photos because he has to get laundry. 
      • Going to be bitter for a while about it. 
      • ANYWAYS
    • Get inside and I’m front row and made myself go in between Billie and Jeff because center was out of the question and so was the far side. 
    • Opener was The Trashbags and they were…decent. I couldn’t hear much because I became a certified adult and brought earplugs because I knew I would wind up next to a speaker. The lead singer kept weaving in and out of the crowd during every song. Which was cool because not a lot do that and he got the party going.
    • Longshot gets set up and my heart begins pounding because it hit me I am arms length away from Billie Joe fucking Armstrong. 
    • They were incredible live. A lot of bouncing. My side of the stage wasn’t rowdy and we had a bit of elbow room in the front row too. There were a few people in the front who weren’t jumping around. And there was this older woman who had her arm out blocking a small area where someone could stand and also her other arm holding on to her kids and her feet were literally on the amp. I was like “…this is not the right show for you, lady.” 
    • He skipped over Happiness and we called him out on it.
    • After a few songs, my arm was covering Billie’s set list and he bent down to look and I had to move my arm away and then he looks right into my eyes and sticks his tongue out at me. So I did it right back and then he laughed and then I freaked. 
    • Got a pick at the end of the show when there was one on stage and this other kid behind me lunged for it too but my hand was quicker. 
    • I did leave when it ended because exhausted and also because I was there for almost 17 hours with a mini nap now and then. Also it was a literal sauna in the room.

    Recap of Wednesday 5/23:

    • Made it a point to not be there as early because tiredness and also that I had an interview at 1 PM and I didn’t want to leave stuff there and come back and then see it leave.
    • Get to the venue at around 2:30 and we have about 20 people in front of me. Tuesday it was pouring rain and a bit colder. And Wednesday it was bright and sunny and warm.
    • Met up with Anna from the Green Day group we had on here ages ago and on Twitter. 
    • Made friends with a few people on line too
    • The band doesn’t do soundcheck which was…odd. Or didn’t show up to the venue at all until after we got in. 
    • I get second row and get between Jeff and Billie again but people were taking up a lot more space so the amp was my friend.
    • Crowd was a lot more rowdy. A lot of pushing and shoving and jumping on all sides. Thought I was going to merge with the amp. 
    • Caught Jeff’s attention a few times
    • WILD ONE LIVE akjdsfhkldsjhgljkhdsjkahgdjklas
      • I will say Dos was my least favorite album of the Trilogy with Tre being my favorite. But Wild One is one of the songs I genuinely loved on it. 
      • The dork that is Billie had someone in the front hold the lyrics on a piece of paper.
    • We wait around and head outside and it takes about a hour and Jeff comes by. He does a few autographs and I managed a selfie with him. I thanked him for the show and hope he has a great remainder of the tour. He says it was great having you on his side of the stage because I was active and responsive. 
    • About a half hour later, I see Adrienne Armstrong and oh my god.
      • There are people I do get starstruck for. I did not realize she would be one of them
      • Her hair was pulled up in a high pony tail. She had minimal makeup on with black eyeliner/mascara and a red lip and she looked fucking STUNNING. Just such a beautiful woman that made me go “…oh my god.” Not only that but she has this aura about her that is welcoming and also you know she’s someone and want to be around her. 
      • I wish I could have told her she looked amazing and to thank her for putting up with the fans and that she deserves all good things
    • And then Billie comes out a moment after her
      • Now I will say a selfie with Billie is always goals and the dream. But the literal dream DREAM is for him to write down on a piece of paper “Better Thank Your Lucky Stars” from Waiting and it would be my next tattoo. 
    • Sadly…either didn’t happen. 
    • I didn’t want to scream and rush him but everyone did even though he said something among the lines of “selfies take too long and I will sign”
    • I asked about the lyric but he was getting rushed away by other fans and also his bodyguards saying he has to go. And I didn’t want to follow him down the block but fuck I wanted to do so because it’s a so close and yet so fucking far away. 

    I am not going to the Brooklyn show unless I do get a ticket and even then, I did say I would pick up a shift at work and money is needed to me because of other things. I know my friend Caitlyn will be going so I may ask her if she can somehow get the lyric for me. 

    Despite those so close moments, it was two of the best nights ever and two of the best shows I’ve been to. 

  9. Z J
    Latest Entry

    Inauguration Day

     

     

    Wailing winds carry forth the sound

    Of Empires past burning down;

    They’re buried deep beneath the ground,

    Sharing tombs with skeletons dispersed

    Throughout our history, but in this mall

    Stories of buried

    Empires before us fall

    On deaf ears.

     

    Silent, I wait in the park

    On Inauguration Day.

    Gray skies are falling;

    Weeping for a fool’s parade.

     

    The crowd bow their heads;

    Red hats wear white anger,

    Worshiping false-prophet’s rancor,

    Controls relented to Wall Street bankers.

     

    In the trees, I hear their whispers,

    And in their seeds, a disparate mixture.

    Hold for pity and for grace,

    Hold for all in broken faith.

    Wave to soldiers beyond the gates,

    Ask them if they know that they’re dying.

     

    Fanatics kneel as the whistle-blows,

    Echoing the strangest prose.

    See Spring rise from the streets below,

    See the early sun, the yellow rose,

    Toppling the golden towers,

     

    Gather here at midnight hour

    To usher in the turning flowers,

    The wiser half will turn and run.

    Why has no one told them that they’re dying?
     

  10. Okay I should definitely stop saying I'll start posting regularly if I just can't make it happen. But hey, it's Wednesday, time for a new post... after two weeks. I wanted to post twice a week, not once every two weeks!
    Oh wait, it's actually Friday, not Wednesday. God fucking damn it.

    Well, moving on... welcome back to Nico Talks About Gaming Myths, where I tell you about three video game myths and you have to decide if they're true or false. Speaking of that, here are the results of episode 1:

    • The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (SNES): "Chris Houlihan Room" - REAL - For a long time, no one was able to find this room. But it actually exists, and there's five ways to get there. But they only work on the SNES version, not the GBA remake. Here is a video of YouTube user "thartwick" demonstrating one of the ways to get there:
    • Pokemon Red and Green (Game Boy): Lavender Town Syndrome - FAKE - So, the part of the song where the Unown are shown in the spectrogram are not there in the original game. Also, suicide rates didn't go up in 1996, they actually went down in Japan. However, Nintendo/Game Freak actually did change Lavender Town's theme for the American/European versions, but that wasn't a big changes. There were just a few little notes taken out.
    • Minecraft (PC): "Herobrine", the ghost of a dead miner - FAKE - Minecraft's creator Markus "Notch" Persson has spoken about this myth a lot, saying "Herobrine isn't real in any way, no. I never had a brother (well, there's a half brother I never meet..), and he's not in the game." on Twitter in January of 2011. But some people actually brought Herobrine into the game with the help of modifications.

    So, with that out of the way, let's get to today's three myths!

    1. Tiger Woods 99 (PlayStation): The Hidden "South Park" Episode

    According to this myth, an EA Sports employee accidentally copied a South Park episode onto the golf game "Tiger Woods 99 PGA Tour Golf" for PlayStation.

    The first South Park episode was called "Jesus vs. Frosty" and was made in 1992 by the founders Trey Parker and Matt Stone. It was first shown at the "Student Film Screening". In 1995, they got $2,000 from FOX to create a similar short film as a Christmas episode.

    The episode got the name "Jesus vs. Santa" and it was about Jesus Christ and Santa Claus arguing about whether presents or the birth of Christ was more important on Christmas. This animation was sent around a lot. It was also sent to an EA Sports employee, who liked the short film a lot and accidentally copied it onto Tiger Woods 99. But can such a mishap actually slide through the final game check? Well, that's for you to decide!

    2. Sonic CD (Sega CD): The Diabolical Message

    This myth is about "Sonic CD". Apparently, you can find a hidden message from the Prince of Darkness in the game. How, you may ask?

    In the title screen, you can reach the Sound Test menu by pressing down, down, down, left, right, A. There, you can hear songs from the game by putting in various settings. If you choose the settings "FM no.46, PCM no.12, DA no.25", you'll become a witness of a strange event...

     

    You can see a background of many Sonics with bizarre faces. In front, there's some Japanese text, which means: "Fun is infinity - Sega Enterprise - signed: Majin". Majin means "devil". Also, there's some very outlandish music playing. But who would put such an absurd message in a game made for kids?!

    3. The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (Nintendo 64): The Cursed Cartridge (Ben Drowned)

    This one's a big one, so get ready.

    In September of 2010, a guy bought a Zelda: Majora's Mask cartridge. However, the things that happened in the game followed him into reality and drove him to the edge of insanity. He documented his adventure with a diary as well as videos.

    The story begins with a young man named Alex, also known as "Jadusable" who just got an old Nintendo 64 from a friend. Because he doesn't have many games, he decides to look for cheap games at a house flea market. He meets an old man there who presents him with a Majora's Mask cartridge. In the end, they say goodbye to each other, the old man saying "Goodbye then". When Alex starts up the game and finds a single save file with the name "BEN", he realizes the man might've said "Goodbye Ben" as well.

    Even though Jadusable creates a new save file called "Link", the NPCs still call him BEN. That didn't even change with deleting the "BEN" save. After a few hours of playing, the game suddenly starts to communicate with Alex. Strange glitches get him even more sceptical. He doesn't believe that the game is broken anymore. It seems more like cursed.

    The strange things pile up. In the game, he often meets the Mask Salesman, the Horror Kid, and also BEN's embodiment in form of a statue...

    latest?cb=20101110013701

    If you don't know, normally you summon this statue to trigger switches with its weight. Well, this statue doesn't only follow him in the game, but also into his real dreams. Also, all NPCs just vanish after some time, and the background music is playing backwards. The most notable example for this is the so-called "Song of Unhealing", the reverse version of the Song of Healing.

    At this point, Jadusable decides to document these events in video form and upload them to YouTube to not stand as a liar. His channel name is Jadusable, if you want to check the videos out.

    To end the horror, he decides to look for the seller's house again. However, he finds that this house is empty now. Shortly afterwards, Alex meets a friendly neighbor who gives him some information. Apparently the old man has moved and was never married. He also asks him who this Ben guy is. The neighbor tells him that about eight years ago, a child with that same name had a horrific accident.

    Jadusable starts the game up yet again. He's brought to a beach as a Zora. There, he finds that damn statue again in the water. It drowns Link, which should not be possible considering Link can breathe underwater as a Zora fish.

    Now, underneath the "BEN" save game, there's another one with the name "DROWNED", which lets Alex think that Ben's cause of death was drowning. When he starts up "DROWNED", messages appear...

    "You shouldn't have done that..."

    "BEN is getting lonely..."

    He gets a final chance to solve the riddle. So, both save files are reset.

    Days later, Alex finds a text file on his desktop. It says "Hi... cleverbot.com". Cleverbot is a website chat where a bot answers you. Well, he opens the site and finds that Ben is talking to him, not Cleverbot. Apparently, Ben is controlling Alex's PC.

    It's no wonder that he needs a little break from this game and from BEN specifically. His roommate uploads a video for him, where Alex solves the riddle. He realized he didn't get the song "Elegy of Emptiness" yet. You normally summon that statue by playing this song. So, he goes to Ikana Canyon and gets the melody from the King of Ikana. After playing this melody, the screen turns black, and another message appears.

    "It'll be our little secret, okay?"

    After a short playable scene, Link suddenly stands next to BEN and the Mask Salesman. Once again, the screen turns black with one final message...

    "Please... help me..."

    He gets thrown into the title screen and realizes the "BEN" save game was gone and replaced by a file called "MATT".

    ---

    Wow, that one was way longer than the other two myths combined! Well, that does it for today's episode of Nico Talks About Gaming Myths. Once again, you have to decide, which are real, which are fake? Post a reply with your thoughts on it, if you'd like to. I'm not forcing you, but it would be nice. :D

    Before I end this post, I just want to say R.I.P. Chris Cornell of Soundgarden/Audioslave. He committed suicide one year ago today. He was an amazing artist who was gone way too soon. Just wanted to let that out.

  11. Writings and shit

    it's four am and i just realized that i have a blog where i could post literally fucking anything and not care so here it goes i guess; don't mind the ramble like nature of this i'm just kind of exhausted.

    there's something that's been bothering me for a long while and i didn't have anyone i felt really comfortable talking about it to; because it's just, i don't know, weird? unnatural? too unspecified? i don't even know.

    my sexuality was never something i really struggled with. the first person i liked was a girl, and throughout my childhood i was so separated from everything that i never really realized how homophobic the world was. even so, i was, interestingly enough, kind of homophobic for a while. not towards myself, but the type that's just kind of weirded out by it and says it's unnatural. i moved past it, all fine and dandy, whatever.

    gender was something i never really thought about, because i didn't know anything on the topic, you know? no one ever spoke about it, no one ever made me think about it, not in terms of gender identity. somewhere from the internet i learned about the fact that there are people who trans, and i was like ok, and still didn't think about it. since then i've learned a great deal more but again, i never gave it much thought in regards to myself.

    but recently i have. a lot. and here's the thing.

    fuck it's even hard to write. i don't know what the thing is. just that there's something, i think. i'm just perpetually confused, because there's things i'm now realizing i've always thought and done that i've just assumed were normal but now i'm thinking maybe they're not. and i'm not trans, i don't feel like a male.

    most of the time.

    and some times i don't feel like a female or a male and i'm just a fucking lump of nothing and i don't understand anything and it's so fucking stupid. i have no problems with female pronouns, or male pronouns or anything, but that probably stems from the fact that my mother tongue is a language with non gendered pronouns so to me, it's kind of all the same. i have no issues with my body being female, but sometimes, some fucking times, i just want it to be a dick instead. or both.

    and it's not really a big deal, because i guess all of this is one of two things. it's either me just being fluid on the gender spectrum or just me being weird. either way, not too big a deal. but what's been bothering the fuck out of me is that i have no one to talk to about it. because i want to, who knows, maybe it'll help me figure out what the fuck i'm feeling.

    i have five people that i would feel comfortable talking to about something this personal in detail, and with this i can't for any of them.

    christina has been a safe haven of no judgment and comfort for a lot of topics, and i would have gone to her with this too except that i know she doesn't really believe the whole gender being a spectrum thing, as a lot of people don't. and i'm scared of becoming another person that she will support but not truly believe.

    ana would believe me, probably, but she would kind of cling on to it. she would bring it up more than i would want her to, she would make it bigger than it is. she would make me feel alien because she's trying so hard to make me feel normal. she's a fantastic sister, but i've come to learn that she can't give me what i need in terms of things that really bother me.

    kaylyn i might've told if we saw each other more often. since i moved we haven't seen so much of each other and i don't want to unload this kind of shit on her when it's the first time i'm seeing her in months. if given the right time and opportunity i might, because i know she wouldn't make a big deal out of it, and she wouldn't not really take it seriously.

    asma and shidi are kind of a similar case, but also not. they're my fucking soulmates and i love them both so goddamn much but i don't know how much they know about gender stuff, and there's also the fact that i haven't seen them in like three and a half years. we talk all the time, sure, but that's different. i'm going home for like 6 weeks during the summer so maybe then i'll talk to them but i just don't know.

    i'm exhausted. i feel like i'm lying to people, or lying to myself. i feel like i can't tell people because they won't understand or try to or even care or believe and i don't blame them because i don't understand it, i sometimes feel like i'm making it all up. like it's something the internet put in my head, something i'm forcing on myself to be different. but i don't want it. i don't want to feel like i don't know what i am, like there's something wrong with me. i'm just

    tired.

  12. Hello, GDC.

    For those keeping up with the never ending saga that is my dad's health and my current family situation here is the latest...

    He had finished treatments for throat cancer back in October. Yesterday, we went to have some scans done on my dad's lungs for a spot that noticed back in January.  The nurse practitioner came in and went over the scans with us and told us probably 10-15 times that everything looked good and that she wasn't seeing anything worth worrying about. We were elated and relieved.

    10 minutes later, she comes back in the room and tells us that she was completely wrong and that there is in fact something developing on my dad's left lung. I never wanted to yell and attack someone more than that fucking nurse. Who the fuck does that? That shit only happens in terrible movies.

    So, now we have to schedule another PET scan and have a biopsy done on his lung to see if it's cancer.

    Yesterday was awful. Hearing my dad say, "I'm going to die. I just want to see my grand kids grow up," was probably the worst moment of my life. His attitude and outlook did improve once we met with the actual radiation doctor and he's ready to fight cancer again for the 3rd time.

    Fuck. Positive thoughts, vibes and prayers are welcomed.

  13. If you've paid attention to me recently, you'll know I went to Oakland in February. I wrote a thing about it here: https://wander.media/from-scotland-to-oakland-with-rage-and-love

    Please go read! (or at least click on the link and leave it open for a while)

    I really enjoyed my time there, and I'm so grateful to have had this opportunity, although there's still so many places I'd love to visit. I missed out on a Cover Ups show by about a week, which is frustrating, but at least I got to see Mt. Eddy. I might write something else about the trip here when I have time. 

  14. Good Luck With That

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    Would love if you guys would take some time to check out my soon to be released to the public EP Good Luck with That and help me choose the song to lead off on promoting the album this Monday. Please help, I'm more indecisive than you could ever know.

     

  15. Smoldering Panda
    Latest Entry

    *The title of the sermon today is inspired by the song by the aptly titled Chumbawumba. 

    Chapter/Verse/Hymn 3 - Head above the water.

    Hello there. If you haven't read the last two entries in my randomly updated blog thing I suggest you do for context~.

    As always, disclaimer that if I offer any opinions that they are my opinions and if I ramble I ramble.

    ~

    I think I'm winning, y'know? 

    I'm being battered a lot by my brain but I'm very rarely staying down for 10 at the minute. Sure, I have lapses of fuck the world, and fuck myself but doesn't everyone? If anything it's good old procrastination that's holding me back a little.

    I'll start with the positives, most I've kept to myself to now. I've always been private really, always a help people out but never reveal my troubles if prompted.

    I was 20 stone 1lb at the start of the year, and am now nearly 18 stone. Through dieting and (kinda when not procrastinating) exercising I can see the physical progress I have made, as shown by the lack of double chin and I can kinda see my hips. :lol:

    I have not relapsed back into gambling at all this year, as someone who did this daily this is a massive step up for me. It does help that I blocked everything from myself to stop including through my bank and PayPal, using programs that are password locked that block the sites. I kinda realize that, whilst not working currently I'm sure I will get this when I do start a full time job again, I'm not running out of money as much, so I can afford to go to London and see fellow members. 

    I have amazing support thanks to fellow members on here, and hey if you're reading this and we don't talk, drop a message. I'm always up for talking to new people. I'm always happy to offer help and advice for problems.

    So yeah, let's keep fighting. Together if we can.

    Liam.

     

  16. Hello! My sister has started an online fundraiser to purchase supplies for her band students because her school doesn't have the money to pay for them.

    I wanted to share it with you all in case you'd like to donate to support the cause — anything helps! If you use the promo code "liftoff" during checkout today, your donation wll be matched by the fundraising website.

    https://www.donorschoose.org/project/making-a-stand-for-band/3030567/?challengeid=20848860&givingCartId=7019185

    I don't think many people realize how many teachers in the U.S. use their own money to purchase supplies, especially for elective classes like music and art that are seen as "non-essential" compared to the others. On average, they spend about $600/year on their own supplies, and it's worse in schools with lower-income students like the one where she teaches, according to the most recent survey from nonprofit adoptaclassroom.org.

  17. undefined

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  18. Starving The Voice

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    I don't know if The Voice is something that we are all born with, which only flourishes under the right circumstances. However, I know it has been active since I was old enough to form an opinion of myself.  I  remember thinking I was ugly and unlikeable at the very beginning of primary school. Throughout my childhood and my teenage years, The Voice grew stronger and more powerful, fuelled by the harsh words of my fastidious, traditional parents and bullies. At first, I believed The Voice was my friend. It pushed me to excel academically and to be an obedient daughter. It apparently protected me, the socially awkward kid, from any harm by reminding me I was just no good at making real friends. Yet, The Voice never rewarded, but only punished. No amount of A* grades, first class degrees and graduate job offers could convince The Voice to tell me I was worthy. They were all just a fluke. And if they weren't a fluke, The Voice would take all the credit.

    The Voice became steadily more and more intelligent. It adapted to changes in my environment, and found ways to thrive. When I left home for university, I also left the bullies and my oppressive parents. Very quickly, I became more outgoing and sociable. By reminding me constantly of the shy, overweight teenager I once was, The Voice pushed me to make friends and to be a good friend, all under the guise of so called high self confidence, high self esteem and good social skills. It picked apart my appearance, alluding to the callous remarks of the year ten boys, who told me I was so ugly that I would never find love. I lost weight and started wearing make up. I got more attention and met my (now ex) boyfriend. The Voice congratulated itself.

    I fell absolutely, hopelessly and deeply in love. For a year or so, I was so happy. The Voice lay dormant for the majority of the time, making only very occasional, flimsy remarks. But it was far from dead. It was just weak from a lack of negative events to fuel its purpose. Then it had its greatest chance yet. My boyfriend was white and non-Muslim, two features I knew my parents would not tolerate in any partner of mine. Thus, I kept my relationship secret for a year, uncertain of how to convince them that he made me happy. I felt guilty for keeping him a secret and even worse for lying to the two people who brought me into this world, but I knew telling them wouldn’t be easy. The Voice awoke from its slumber, more aggressive than ever.

    “You selfish, undeserving bitch. You’re a fucking coward.”

    And so, after a year of dating, at the beginning of my third out of four years of university, I came clean to my parents. As expected, they were furious, and not because I’d kept it a secret. The exact chain of events is long and difficult to explain exactly, but in short, over the course of the next year, they did everything they could to punish me. They emotionally manipulated me, withdrew what financial support they could and kicked me out of the family home where I grew up and would have spent my summers and Christmases in between university terms. They stopped speaking to me entirely. The Voice turned on me.

    “This is what you fucking deserve, you cretin. This is all your fault.”

    It seemed as soon as I told my parents, my relationship with my boyfriend began to falter. At first, I thought it was due the newfound long distance between us, as I had started a yearlong degree related internship, and he a PhD in different cities. He grew callous and disinterested, rarely coming to visit or allowing me to visit him, and constantly making snide comments about my intelligence, appearance and family. Through my tears and heartbreak, The Voice matured drastically.

    “Oh stop crying, you weak bitch. It’s just a joke. You expect too much from the world, you spoilt fucking cow.”

    I finished my internship and returned to my university city for the final year of my course, to live with four of the best friends anyone could hope for. Throughout the last four years, these people have supported me emotionally and practically, and I would not be anywhere without them.

    “You don’t fucking deserve them. Why don’t they just let you rot on the fucking roadside?”

    Their love and support helped me to see how unhappy my relationship was. No matter how much I told him he was being unfair or hurtful, he would not change/ After two and half years together, just before Christmas last year, I left my boyfriend. It was an agonising decision. I had made the effort to tell my parents about my life choices, at least partially for him. Now it felt as I was throwing it all away.

    “You weak, flaky c***. You think you can do better? Bullshit. Don’t fucking cry. You broke your own fucking heart.”

    But heart broken I was. Shortly after the break up, my housemates popped out for some groceries, leaving me alone for all of half an hour. I remembered I couldn’t even call my mother for support. The dreaded feeling of endless loneliness and a distinct lack of purpose started to arise. The walls felt like they were caving in. I started panting, then sobbing, as the feeling of abandonment began to overwhelm my senses. I collapsed on the floor, beating the ground with my fists and getting more and more frustrated when it didn’t give way. My housemate found me in this state. I still remember how immediately soothing her embrace and gentle instruction to “let it all out” felt.

    Barely a month later and now in 2017, I half-jokingly joined a popular dating app, and met a rather arrogant but attractive man who chased me relentlessly. He held utterly appalling views with regards to women and non-white people.

    “You’re never going to get any better, hun. Who the fuck do you think you are?”

    Unsurprisingly, he disappeared more or less as soon as he got to sleep with me. He told me I was too aggressive and not feminine enough for him to want to consider a relationship with me. The fact my parents didn’t speak to me also made him think I was crazy.”

    “Too fucking right. You need to know your place, you arrogant, entitled bitch.”

    The new year did bring some good news. I graduated with a first and got an elusive graduate job near London with one of the world’s biggest pharmaceutical companies.

    “You. Are. A. Fraud.”

    With some encouragement from my friends and also The Voice telling me I was a cold hearted c*** if I didn’t, I invited my parents to graduation, making it clear that, while I was single, I would happily date outside my race again. My dad turned up and a month later I went home for the first time in almost two years. I thought it meant peace.

    That summer, I moved down south in preparation for new job, which started in September. I also met a friend of a friend, a genuine and lovely man, at a festival in Scotland. We spent three days together. Although it would have meant very long distance, I was determined to see him again. He took a long time to answer my texts, and eventually stopped contacting me altogether.

    “Why the fuck would a true gent like that want YOU? Disgusting trollop.”

    As I started my first permanent graduate position, and started to experience the stresses of modern working life, The Voice employed a brand new tactic to keep me down: fantasy. It was like opium for my sense of reality. I was on the way to achieving my concept of perfection: an idyllic middle class family life, everlasting love, financial stability, and a fulfilling career. It was all I thought about – this journey to obtaining self worth through specific achievements. And my would be festival lover could be the leading man. We would not be apart if it were not for circumstance.

    I clung onto this ideal for dear life for months following my trip, using it occasionally to distract me from the constant fear of being found out as an incapable, useless fraud at my new job. Then I fell out with my parents again. They told me they still couldn’t accept me or my life choices, that my successes were mediocre and unimpressive and that I would end up alone and a failure. As I walked away from my childhood home once more, I was utterly heart broken. But I was also angry. The Voice took a softer approach this time.

    “You *could* prove them wrong. You just need to achieve perfection. I’ll let you off. But nothing less.”

    I lived and breathed this fantasy future. It was so much more attractive than the present, seemingly so much more in my control than the bleak past. I started to adjust at work. The Voice wasn’t going to reward my progress.

    “Everyone here can see how lazy you are. Stay late, you pig.”

    One day, I kept telling myself, we will meet again and fall in love. The Voice didn’t correct me at moments like these. I was allowed to lie to myself, so long as I was aware there was a gold standard I had to aspire to, that I had to desperately want in order to achieve my worth.

    This false sense of contentment, which led me to believe the counselling therapy I was now receiving was working all too quickly, inevitably shattered yesterday. Social media can be a poisonous thing. Our would be lover had found another. Upon investigation, it would appear he probably met her shortly after our weekend together.

    “Fucking knew it. You would fucking repulse a nice guy like him, and he was mad enough to give you a chance in the first place! Oh, don’t get upset, you pathetic, selfish bitch. Be happy for people that are better than you.”

    The ideal is over. I am faced with my reality. Single and alone in an expensive dreary commuter town, in a demanding graduate job, still many years away from the elusive senior positions and without the support of my family. I am forced to come to terms with the mediocrity and imperfections of my lonely, unimpressive and hateable existence. The Voice doesn’t care how far I have come. It only cares how far I have to go. It tells me everything will be just fine when I complete a list of actions, only to reprimand me when I complete the job, but don’t do any better.

    But today was the first time in a long time that I accepted the present as being the best dimension for me to focus my attention on. It is the only time I truly have control over and can only be as happy as I am willing to make it. It was the first time in a long time I have ever made the effort to forget the mistakes and pain and the regrets of the past. It was the first time I tried to succeed in the present and for the benefit of tomorrow, without living entirely in the future. That is how I want my life to be.

    To continue doing this, I need to kill The Voice. It won’t die with a single shot or a stab. It has to be starved slowly of the negative thoughts that arise from unfortunate situations. It will be a long, hard road. But I have spent somewhere between 15 and 20 years torturing myself by allowing it grow to the monster it is today. I can’t take it anymore. I know how bad it could get if I let it consume me.

    “I don’t want your sympathy

    I don’t want your honesty

    I just want to get some peace of mind”

    My friends and their families have supported and loved me through all of this, but their genuine kindness will not pull me through this alone, as grateful as I am. Silencing and killing these lifelong demons myself now is important.

    “I don’t want to hear it anymore”

    I’ve had enough, and I am ready to change.

     

  19. A few weekends ago I stumbled upon a really cool neighborhood in Hamburg that's basically the punk leftist heartland. There's cute little shops, cool restaurants and street art everywhere. I fell in love instantly. :wub: If I could choose anywhere to live, it would probably there. In the first two pictures there were a few people watching a footballame in front of a bar. The second picture honestly isn't that good but I had to take it secretly because I loved his vest. I was kicking myself for not telling him that and later after exploring the neighborhood I was sitting in the train and fantasizing about complimenting him, and just in this moment he walked past my window at the station, and yet I never saw his face. :( 

    I also randomly saw a feminist protest in the city which I immediately joined. I haven't been to any protest in so long (not because I don't want to go, but because I never know when there are protests in the city). It ended in front of the coolest building I've ever seen. It's called the Rote Flora (the red flora) and it's an old theater that's been occupied by leftists since the late 80s. 

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  20. Spoiler

    If you told me I'd be loved one day
    I'd laugh, turn around, and walk away
    This feels nothing like reality
    But still not my fantasy
    How did I deserve to get here
    With you my problems
    Seem to disappear
    I was at my worst, now at my best
    My mind won't give you a rest

    Everything feels so right
    We can rule the world tonight
    You're everything that
    I could ever need
    I'll never leave

    I know you more than anyone else
    I care more about you than about myself
    When I was lost in my own despair
    You were the one who cared
    They all said the same thing every time
    But still I couldn't make up my mind
    Now I’ve made my choice and now I know
    I’m never letting go

    Everything feels so right
    We can rule the world tonight
    You're everything that
    I could ever need
    I'll never leave

    I have had no regrets
    Not one since I said yes
    I found my answer at last
    This is one wild ride
    The best of my life
    Can this go on until the end of time

    Everything feels so right
    We can rule the world tonight
    You're everything that
    I could ever need
    I'll never leave [x2]

     

  21. Trotsky
    Latest Entry

    Here I stand
    More or less intact
    Sunshine on my back
    In fact, I'm fine
    I'm getting by
    One reassurance at a time

    I would write myself
    A battle hymn
    And sing the words
    Day in, day out
    But self-talk
    Has a self-defeating way
    Of burning out
    And seeding doubt

    I stare down my demons
    But they don't tend to flinch

    The guilt, the insecurity
    And all this fucking baggage
    If there's one thing that I've learned
    It's that this shit is made of plastic:
    Throw it all away
    But it will stay right where it lays
    It takes so much longer
    Than a lifetime to decay
    It's in the way

    In the ocean of the mind
    It flows into a garbage reef
    Soda cans and grocery bags
    A monument to grief

    An image of the struggle
    To move on; it would resemble
    The visage of an old dog's foggy eyes
     

  22. Fike speaks

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    now the summer of 2015 was only a small spark.   after returning home and listening to green day i began to find other good punk music  i found a love for nirvana as well

    a few bands include : the dead kennedys, the Ramones, Greenday, rancid, sum41, some blink-182, the offspring, and a few other random punk songs 

  23. NickTheToaster blogs about stuff

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    NickTheToaster
    Latest Entry

    So this is a blog! Pretty cool, I guess.

    I'm not sure what I'll put on here, probably just whatever comes to mind. If there's anything you'd like to see, then you can message me and I'll see.

    New here, so anyone who wants to reach out and chat, go ahead please!

  24. Green Day – Nimrod: Feature.

     

    In 1997, Californian band Green Dayreleased their most underrated but diverse record in the form of Nimrod, an album bubbling with hooks and dark edged lyricism. The band had to prove they were still relevant after the disappointing Insomniac, a record which did have its hits, but never hit those meteoric heights. Dookie did so in 1994. That opus brought Green Day into the limelight, a light so vibrant and crucial.

     

    Dookie was a statement of intent, a colossal compendium breaking boundaries, a piece of punk layered with snotty nosed mellow drama. It truly rooted Green Day into the big time, overthrowing their past records. But, as they grew, tensions did too, and the band was banished from Gilman Street, a punk club where many acts nurtured their souls and tweaked their sounds.

     

    As Green Day prospered, many people became distant, fans who loved the band walked away. This is when Green Day became a goliath act, securing places at biggest festivals. But, as they put their pen to paper, their punk laurels were fading. Not to say that the band was forgetting their roots, they just had to grow, they had to burst and breakaway.

     

    Green Day was a major label band when they signed to Reprise in 1994. Some people think the band shot to fame with their seminal record American Idiot all those years later. So the act was making millions well before Jesus Of Suburbia was constructed, they were flying the punk flag through the flurry of scepticism.

     

    And Nimrod pushed Green Day into the light even more so with a ballad that shook the world. That melodic heart-puller is Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life). It’s a song many play at their wedding day, it’s a song which resonates and showcases lead singer/guitarist Billie Joe Armstrong’s impressive writing talent. 

     

    Good Riddance sent Green Day onto the airwaves, although it angered the punks and estranged. They were blasting the band for their decision to put a ballad on one of their albums. They thought the act was selling out, nipping at the arms of greed, shooting for the pot of gold. But, Green Day didn’t surrender and moved on up regardless. 

     

    Nimrod may contain one of Green Day’s most poignant scores, but the record as a whole is punk infused. Nice Guys Finish Last is a blistering, guitar driven masterclass. Redundant mops up the fragments of punk’s inner core, and cools it down as Armstrong sings with ease and great tone. Reject is a fast-paced pile-driver, it’s in your face. So many of these songs return to the punk days. And that shows us Green Day aren’t leaving their signature sound to rot, they never have cascaded into bubble-gum pop territory, they have tweaked it, adding more complexity. This complexity is heard on American Idiot. A record which saved the pioneers from truly derailing. It’s an album many hate, but many people love the diversity it showcases.

     

    American Idiot may be Green Day’s most popular and audacious LP. But there’s flashes of this magic on Nimrod. The true intensity it creates, the darkness it exudes is believable. It may not be Green Day’s magnum opus, but what it is, is something which strikes punk into veins of those seeking a thrill.

        

         

     

     

     

  25. 9876gwen
    Latest Entry

    Man its been a long while since I posted one of these on here but not time better than the present, right? So ever since I started college, ive been having more people coming up and saying they thought I was still in high school or that I look like I still belong in middle school(im 19 btw). What's worse is that most of the people who say that begin treating me like a kid who's still in 8th grade or something. Like, they treat my thoughts or opinions on a matter like they're invalid because I look like im a child and apparently a childs opinion doesnt matter. It's really demeaning and confidence crushing ya'know? Like for example, the last date I went on with my boyfriend was horseback riding, we had to sign this waiver saying we wont sue if we get hurt or whatever, the lady who gave us the waiver almost made my boyfriend sign the parent/guardian part until we gave her a strange look and she asked for my age, she acted surprised and apologized =/  Or sometimes older people will shoot us dirty looks because we are holding hands. Not to mention the NON STOP carding I get. Just about anything that could require ID I get asked for and extensively questioned, some times accused that im using a fake. Sometimes I just wanna scream "Im an adult, stop treating me like a little kid!" I already know im going to be looked down upon in the workplace when I get a job because im young/ look young, that im going to get the barrage of child jokes. Anyone else struggle with something like this? Like why do most people my age look like models in their mid 20s?

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