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The Best Dude EVER
Posted by
RevDrFunk
,
18 August 2012
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222 views
Okay, so I'm going to admit I made a mistake by hyping up the dogsitting that's going on right now and will continue until Monday morning. I made it out in my mind that it was going to be super awful and that tomorrow was going to suck dick. The problem isn't that I think I'll be wrong. The problem is that me thinking about how bad it's going to be isn't gonna make it any better. It's this weird paradox. Yeah, being a recluse all day is gonna suck hard...but like...that's what I usually do anyway, so me hyping it as a bad thing is going to make it a bad thing. Just this once...it's actually kind of a good thing.
Instead I keep giving myself "101 Reasons Why Cats are Better than Dogs," which I should write a book on for every cat lover in the world out there. ...I'd like to save the trouble of you arguing with me (because of ALL the things I've written on this blog that I've WANTED comments on, THIS would be the thing that got them all) because nothing's going to change my mind. You can't come back with "well cats don't LOVE you" or "but dogs are awesome because x y and z!" because it's not gonna work. I'm a cat person. I'm introverted, I like people when I like them, and I'm small, quiet, and mostly harmless.
(I'm turning on my Jules Winnifield voice here a little bit)
Cats are just chill motherfuckers. Like, you might walk into a room and they'll give you a Kubrick Stare, but the worst they can do is run away from you. At least in this house. Take for example, my cat Smokey. Chillest motherfucker I ever met. if cats could do fist bumps, I'd give him one and a huge every time I walked in the same room as him. That's pretty much what happens anyway, but goddamn. Anyone who'll still rub me with their head and purr a song of affection after the shit I've done with that cat over the years deserves a goddamn medal. This includes grabbing him and standing him up on my chest like an AT AT walker every couple of days. I think I've only heard him hiss twice in his entire life and I couldn't tell you why he did it.
Okay, so I wonder if I've told the story about me being a cat lover. Back when i was about five years old and didn't have postconvential morality in me yet, I asked my mom one day "When the dogs and Dad die, can we get a cat?" It's one of my more famous lines, actually. I always kinda remind myself of that though, when I'm screwing around with Smokey. Yeah, the dogs are dead, but Dad's still alive, and the dogs WERE alive when Smokey got here...he was... *sniff* just a wee little thing then, and just....
I mean, Smokey's the kinda guy you grow up with. He was a kitten back when I was more a less a kitten, and I'm just now catching up to him in actually looking more like a full grown cat. If you're really into analysis and stuff, you might say that he rubbed off on me a whole lot, since, yknow, we have some of the same habits and whatnot. So maybe I'm an introvert because I grew up with a cat instead of a dog, but yknow what, no matter how intoverted I get, I've always got him. And the cool thing about him is, he kinda does some of the good things that dogs do, even if inadvertantly. Like yeah he's just coming to the door because he wants to slip outside, but he's still coming to the door for you. Yeah, he'll only get up onto your lap when he wants to get somewhere else or something, but occasionally you can convince him to stick around and badda-bing-badda-boom, you've got your own evil mastermind cat that'll make you look epic while you stroke him. This is why my sister has this little theme song for him called "Smokey the Friendly Cat" which can get stuck in your head every time you look at him.
My variation on the song is usually "Smokey the friendly cat, there he is kicking lots of ass" because he just DOES. Like what other animal just says "yknow fuck what's going on the world, I gotta take a nap or this shit's gonna go all to hell!"? I feel better just looking at him sometimes. Even when he jumps up on the counter at dinner time, stares at my plate of food from over my shoulder with the best poker face I've ever seen in my goddamn life and you just know he's saying "Gimme somma dat, homeboy." After a few years of that, you think you'd get tired of it, but it's hilarious every time. Maybe that's all animals, though.
It's just weird because Smokey's the only cat in this house who's like that. The other two, who are both female and younger, aren't nearly as chill and friendly and consistently awesome. Millie runs when she can, and Kitter...Kitter is...she's just a little weird. Like she'll let me pet her and stuff but then halfway through she'll just be like "whoa I don't even want any more of this." Smokey just kind of deals with it. The cat's been getting insulin shots for over a year now and he's STILL cool with every single one of us.
So...I hear that dog that's spending two nights here in the other room clik-claking when she walks, and whimpering when no one's around, and thudding when she lays down, and barking when something happens, and I just wonder "why the hell can't she just be chill like Smokey over there." He's the chillest motherfucker on the goddamn planet and you gotta bark at his ass just for walking around in his own dining room. I always feel bad for Smokey when the dog comes to visit since she stays on the back porch most of the time, and that is his Sanctuary. He loves it out there and then there's this big black thing that makes a lot of noise out there all day. Poor dude.
Anyway, I just kind of wanted to channel by "Cats > Dogs" sentiment into something good. And Smokey is just that. I could keep going on all night about how fricking awesome Mr. Smokey McMoklepants is, but I don't want to waste too much time saying some sentimental shit about my cat and end up all cliche'd. And Smokey knows I ain't into that shit. Cause in his head, he'd be saying "god dammit man, I ain't some saint that's Jesus with four legs, I'm just a cat that wants to sleep and eat and drink water by scooping it out of the dish with my paw instead of licking it cause I'm just that kind of weird motherfucker." So there. I did something positive.
Can someone explain why it is we refer to him more as "Mokey" than "Smokey" though? Weirdest thing ever. Also, fun facts:
1. This is the only cat of ours that my mom didn't name. I named him.
2. Smokey's appeared in several of my stories. In the original MageBoy, he was king of the ancient kingom of Nathalen. He was slated to be the King in my Kingdom Hearts fic as well. He AND Kitter also have roles in Paroon, Smokey being a top-hat and monocle wearing, Alan Rickman voiced aristocat that lives in a town full of cats. In fact...
Instead I keep giving myself "101 Reasons Why Cats are Better than Dogs," which I should write a book on for every cat lover in the world out there. ...I'd like to save the trouble of you arguing with me (because of ALL the things I've written on this blog that I've WANTED comments on, THIS would be the thing that got them all) because nothing's going to change my mind. You can't come back with "well cats don't LOVE you" or "but dogs are awesome because x y and z!" because it's not gonna work. I'm a cat person. I'm introverted, I like people when I like them, and I'm small, quiet, and mostly harmless.
(I'm turning on my Jules Winnifield voice here a little bit)
Cats are just chill motherfuckers. Like, you might walk into a room and they'll give you a Kubrick Stare, but the worst they can do is run away from you. At least in this house. Take for example, my cat Smokey. Chillest motherfucker I ever met. if cats could do fist bumps, I'd give him one and a huge every time I walked in the same room as him. That's pretty much what happens anyway, but goddamn. Anyone who'll still rub me with their head and purr a song of affection after the shit I've done with that cat over the years deserves a goddamn medal. This includes grabbing him and standing him up on my chest like an AT AT walker every couple of days. I think I've only heard him hiss twice in his entire life and I couldn't tell you why he did it.
Chillest. Mofo. Of all time.
Okay, so I wonder if I've told the story about me being a cat lover. Back when i was about five years old and didn't have postconvential morality in me yet, I asked my mom one day "When the dogs and Dad die, can we get a cat?" It's one of my more famous lines, actually. I always kinda remind myself of that though, when I'm screwing around with Smokey. Yeah, the dogs are dead, but Dad's still alive, and the dogs WERE alive when Smokey got here...he was... *sniff* just a wee little thing then, and just....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I mean, Smokey's the kinda guy you grow up with. He was a kitten back when I was more a less a kitten, and I'm just now catching up to him in actually looking more like a full grown cat. If you're really into analysis and stuff, you might say that he rubbed off on me a whole lot, since, yknow, we have some of the same habits and whatnot. So maybe I'm an introvert because I grew up with a cat instead of a dog, but yknow what, no matter how intoverted I get, I've always got him. And the cool thing about him is, he kinda does some of the good things that dogs do, even if inadvertantly. Like yeah he's just coming to the door because he wants to slip outside, but he's still coming to the door for you. Yeah, he'll only get up onto your lap when he wants to get somewhere else or something, but occasionally you can convince him to stick around and badda-bing-badda-boom, you've got your own evil mastermind cat that'll make you look epic while you stroke him. This is why my sister has this little theme song for him called "Smokey the Friendly Cat" which can get stuck in your head every time you look at him.
My variation on the song is usually "Smokey the friendly cat, there he is kicking lots of ass" because he just DOES. Like what other animal just says "yknow fuck what's going on the world, I gotta take a nap or this shit's gonna go all to hell!"? I feel better just looking at him sometimes. Even when he jumps up on the counter at dinner time, stares at my plate of food from over my shoulder with the best poker face I've ever seen in my goddamn life and you just know he's saying "Gimme somma dat, homeboy." After a few years of that, you think you'd get tired of it, but it's hilarious every time. Maybe that's all animals, though.
It's just weird because Smokey's the only cat in this house who's like that. The other two, who are both female and younger, aren't nearly as chill and friendly and consistently awesome. Millie runs when she can, and Kitter...Kitter is...she's just a little weird. Like she'll let me pet her and stuff but then halfway through she'll just be like "whoa I don't even want any more of this." Smokey just kind of deals with it. The cat's been getting insulin shots for over a year now and he's STILL cool with every single one of us.
So...I hear that dog that's spending two nights here in the other room clik-claking when she walks, and whimpering when no one's around, and thudding when she lays down, and barking when something happens, and I just wonder "why the hell can't she just be chill like Smokey over there." He's the chillest motherfucker on the goddamn planet and you gotta bark at his ass just for walking around in his own dining room. I always feel bad for Smokey when the dog comes to visit since she stays on the back porch most of the time, and that is his Sanctuary. He loves it out there and then there's this big black thing that makes a lot of noise out there all day. Poor dude.
Anyway, I just kind of wanted to channel by "Cats > Dogs" sentiment into something good. And Smokey is just that. I could keep going on all night about how fricking awesome Mr. Smokey McMoklepants is, but I don't want to waste too much time saying some sentimental shit about my cat and end up all cliche'd. And Smokey knows I ain't into that shit. Cause in his head, he'd be saying "god dammit man, I ain't some saint that's Jesus with four legs, I'm just a cat that wants to sleep and eat and drink water by scooping it out of the dish with my paw instead of licking it cause I'm just that kind of weird motherfucker." So there. I did something positive.
Can someone explain why it is we refer to him more as "Mokey" than "Smokey" though? Weirdest thing ever. Also, fun facts:
1. This is the only cat of ours that my mom didn't name. I named him.
2. Smokey's appeared in several of my stories. In the original MageBoy, he was king of the ancient kingom of Nathalen. He was slated to be the King in my Kingdom Hearts fic as well. He AND Kitter also have roles in Paroon, Smokey being a top-hat and monocle wearing, Alan Rickman voiced aristocat that lives in a town full of cats. In fact...
Poppycock.
most insightful comment ever i know