Jump to content

Welcome to Green Day Community
Register now to gain access to all of our features. Once registered and logged in, you will be able to create topics, post replies to existing threads, give reputation to your fellow members, get your own private messenger, post status updates, manage your profile and so much more. This message will be removed once you have signed in.
Login to Account Create an Account
We're having a photography contest where you guys send in a photo that describes what that time of year means to you. Only one week left to enter.





Photo

Mnemophobia

Posted by TheJesusOfSuburbiaIsALie , 22 January 2013 · 283 views

Mnemophobia
Basically the title means fear of memories. I'm not very proud of the way this turned out, if you guys could give me any pointers it would be very helpful.
 
All those memories keep him up at night
Can't sleep, can't ever close his eyes
He hasn't felt alive for so long
He feels so torn apart
The dirty war broke his fragile heart
 
He closes his eyes, sees the starry desert sky
He can see the bullet as it pierced his commander's might
He could feel the blood of the soldier flow through his open palms
All the fighting, all the patriotic feelings
Left him with nothing at all.
 
He returned home, a hero of war
He returned home only to fall apart
His father's trying, mother's crying
But how can he forget watching
Men die in his arms
 
The heat of the desert is imprinted in his mind
He remembers aiming to kill a million times
The can't shed the blood on his hands
These memories, seem so unfair
 
 
He closes his eyes, sees the starry desert sky
He can see the bullet as it pierced his commander's might
He could feel the blood of the soldier flow through his open palms
All the fighting, all the patriotic feelings
Left him with nothing at all.
 

  • Maria Gloria likes this


You need a much tighter structure. The words are there, but although that's a great talent to have it's not always enough to really make a piece of writing stand out. First of all it needs balance. The 4th verse has four lines instead of five, for example, making it seem really random in comparison to the rest of the piece. =/ Also, four lines per verse is generally accepted as the norm structure-wise. Although it's cool and unique to challenge that, you'd need to really focus on making each line conform to a syllable/rhyme pattern to make it work well.

 

That's probably the only reason you're doubting it tbh… The writing is generally really great and it has a lot of potential to be a really great piece with some structure changes! :)

    • TheJesusOfSuburbiaIsALie likes this
  • Report
Photo
TheJesusOfSuburbiaIsALie
Jan 23 2013 05:06 AM
You need a much tighter structure. The words are there, but although that's a great talent to have it's not always enough to really make a piece of writing stand out. First of all it needs balance. The 4th verse has four lines instead of five, for example, making it seem really random in comparison to the rest of the piece. =/ Also, four lines per verse is generally accepted as the norm structure-wise. Although it's cool and unique to challenge that, you'd need to really focus on making each line conform to a syllable/rhyme pattern to make it work well.

 

That's probably the only reason you're doubting it tbh… The writing is generally really great and it has a lot of potential to be a really great piece with some structure changes! :)

Thank you so much! Now that you've pointed it out, the difference in the fourth verse seems to stand out a lot. I generally write with a certain pattern in my head but the way this song was originally written in my book and the way it's posted here is rather different so I understand that the pattern is rather off.

Thank you for your opinion, it's really useful :D I'll try to edit this and put the edited version up as soon as possible :D

    • Cat C likes this
  • Report
Photo
Maria Gloria
Jan 23 2013 05:11 AM

I really like these lyrics in general, but I agree about the structure - just add a line to the second verse or remove one from the first. The only other thing I'm not sure about is the line "All the fighting, all the patriotic feelings". It just feels a bit clumsy - maybe try to find a better way of wording the patriotic feelings part.

 

Otherwise, great work as usual! :D

    • TheJesusOfSuburbiaIsALie likes this
  • Report
Photo
TheJesusOfSuburbiaIsALie
Jan 23 2013 05:17 AM
I really like these lyrics in general, but I agree about the structure - just add a line to the second verse or remove one from the first. The only other thing I'm not sure about is the line "All the fighting, all the patriotic feelings". It just feels a bit clumsy - maybe try to find a better way of wording the patriotic feelings part.

 

Otherwise, great work as usual! :D

Ok, I'll see what I can do :) I'm glad you pointed that out too, I completely didn't know what to add after, 'All the fighting' as in the original the next sentence before was a bit different and the continuation, 'all the patriotic feelings' was a rather hasty addition. But thank you :D

 

Thanks!!!! :D

  • Report

December 2014

S M T W T F S
 123456
78910111213
14151617 18 1920
21222324252627
28293031   

Recent Entries

Recent Comments